Unable to Make Peace

I had an abortion. It's hard for me to even write this and the abortion was May 15 2007, almost two years ago. I believe and think an abortion is a right and something that women should be able to choose. But I didn't really choose to have this, there was some pressure and I was made to feel that it was the best, only option that I had.  I thought if I didn't do this I would ruin his life and I didn't want to ruin the life of a man I loved. I went to the clinic alone. He would've been there but he couldn't. It was scary and I didn't have them use any numbing agents nor did I elect to go under. I wanted it to hurt and wanted to feel pain. For a long time I burried this pain and guilt, but it compounded and it resurfaces more frequently now. I think of how old my baby would be now and I knows this is crazy but I sometimes dream of him. I know I need to let this go. That I can't keep reliving this moment. But its hard. I find myself crying at night. Sometimes its uncontrolable and I hate feeling like I don't have control of my own composure. I fight off depression, guilt, and self-loathing. I feel alone and just wanted to share this in case anyone might have some advice, words of wisdom, or just an I've been there and this too shall pass. I don't know anyone personally whose had an abortion (or who has openly), and I just wanted to talk with women who've been there. thank you

movingforward movingforward
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Thank you for sharing (((HUGS)))... I had to go by myself too!!! it was terrifying but I was able to speak with others there and that made me feel not so alone... But the feelings do hurt, and you'll feel them for a very very long time.. I cannot say they go away completely but they do fade in strength.. But I feel you are having a strong reaction to this and need to talk to someone. I am here if you ever need anything at all! I would look into seeking a professional just in case it could be something that could be better handled with such a person. Writing does help. Fully understanding helps.. and venting helps!!! I do it all the time. You will find TONS of stories from me about how I felt at random times... I feel that I can have a positive outlook on my experience because it showed a strength and resolve in me I had never seen before... I grieve but I do so in my own way. Everyone does this and it is normal. You made a very tough decision and you are very very strong even if you do not feel it... Facing this was very hard but accepting it can be a challenge all on its own. stay strong, know that you are a good person with a good heart. You were thinking of others, and remember that! take care of yourself OK! and again I'm here anytime as well as many other wonderful ladies here! this is the BEST support group you will find on the internet!!!

Thank you both so much for your comments. The guilt and loss I feel are terrible but the feeling of isolation makes it worse. That I am not alone means more to me than you might know. Thank you again.

I don't know you, your name, the gory details, the personal and individual struggle you have and are going through.. but you should..you MUST know. You are not alone.<BR><BR>I had an abortion a year ago, so i dont know what position I am in to give you advice, but I will say that i have tremendous empathy for what you and numerous other women are dealing with.<BR><BR>All I can say is continue to share your story. You will be amazed what kind of impact it has on others just to say the words "I had an abortion too."<BR><BR>Thank you.

[HUGE hugs to you] This is a severe and traumatic event you have went through. Thank you for sharing here - it takes a lot of courage to do this. Please keep posting --- all your emotions. This will help get it out of you so you can move on. Journaling helps too.<br />
<br />
You are grieving - it's necessary to grieve, and to not skip any of the stages. It sounds like you may be a little depressed also. <br />
<br />
The grieving part hurts like hell when you lose a baby - it really does. I really suggest to you that you find a professional to talk to. This is hard enough to go through - they may be able to provide meds for the depression.<br />
<br />
Also - I really suggest you go online and find an abortion support group. These women are great, kind, and will not judge you. It will help to talk to these women. <br />
<br />
I lost a baby - I still dream about him, think about him. This is normal. it did help me to name my baby - and to say goodbye. He was not here - but I did it anyway. <br />
<br />
The sadness becomes less - but has never fully went away. I hope you get there.