I Want My Baby Back...
I regret killing my baby. I thought I was doing the best thing for my child. I knew he was a baby, living inside of me. My boyfriend told me, among many other things, he did not want a baby right now and not to be mad at him if he wasn't there for his child. All the people around me who I had told I was pregnant offered no sound advice either. My cousin who became a mother at 14 let her opinion be known that being a single parent is hard and basically not worth it. My sister who had suffered numerous miscarriages before adopting her child figured out I was pregnant. She offered to take me to the clinic and even admitted her secret of having an abortion 20 years ago. Friends and family who have revealed their experience with abortion to me made it seem as if it was OK. That life goes on. However, that was not my experience.
January 2009: After pleading and begging my child's father to reconsider, I gave up and scheduled the procedure. Everyone stated the procedure was akin to having wisdom teeth removal. That of course was my only surgery prior to this fiasco and I must say I actually enjoyed it. I remember waking up from the extractions feeling light headed and giddy. The sedation was wonderful and now no more pain from my wisdom teeth. Unbeknown to me, waking up from the abortion was... indescribable.
I made a mad dash to gather my things and get out. I looked around at the other lost women and was immediately sicken. They promised relief but all I had was misery and despair. I wanted my baby back but it was much too late for that. I can not describe adequately the emptiness I felt. I came in swollen and full of life and left fragmented, broken, and empty. I was 10 weeks and 2 days the sonogram tech confirmed. I told her I 10 weeks., My baby's due date being August 13, 2009. I have been a wreck. I could barely get out of bed from the grief. I would wake up, shower, and return to bed. I could not work. All I could do was cry, and sob, and weep. The emotional pain engulfed me like a tidal wave. I wanted to die. A part of me did die, and not just my baby. I am forever changed. I have been battling depression ever since. I have taken a post-abortive counseling class. I know I am forgiven and my sin cast in the sea of forgetfulness. I am not ashamed because I sinned against God; judge not lest ye be judged.
But... I am having the hardest time getting over my maternal instincts and bond with my baby. I knew it was the killing of a baby. Just not My baby. I struggle with what type of mother/father kills her/his own baby? She/he is clearly unfit to ever parent. I wonder about my fertility now and if I will ever have children. Now all I want is a baby. Before this ordeal, all I wanted was a husband.
I know a couple of women who claim to be not affected by their abortions and none of them had the emotional response I experienced but they all display other issues. The cousin I mentioned earlier is very promiscuous and takes Plan B like birth control. My sister has been in counseling. Another cousin is abusing drugs. A friend who wanted her abortion against the baby's father wishes, didn't understand why he left her after she aborted his baby and then she married a guy who she knew to be cheating on her 2 months before the wedding. No problems, huh?
I know my experience is not truly unique or every woman's experience. I was pro choice before my abortion, I am pro-life now. I don't even believe in Plan B anymore. Life begins at conception. The baby is not meant to be viable outside the mother during the first trimester. He is meant for our womb. That's its purpose.
If abortion was illegal, I definitely would not have sought out a back alley one. I think people know that it's a baby or a life. The abortion industry is fueled by greed. Back alley abortionists did not do it to help women or they would have done it for free and learned the skill as not to butcher women. They did it for the same reason they do it today, money.
My baby is worth more than $400.00. But do the math. On the day I was at the clinic I counted at least 10 women. At an average of $500.00, more or less if you are pass the first trimester, that's about $30000 a week times 52 weeks is more than $1.5 million for that one clinic. So you do the math.
How does abortion empower women if it increases our risk of breast cancer, decreases fertility, exposes us to infection and surgical risks, and damages our mental health? I did not want to see the truth. I truly wish I did not have first hand knowledge of its devastation.