Post

I Want My Baby Back...

I regret killing my baby. I thought I was doing the best thing for my child. I knew he was a baby, living inside of me. My boyfriend told me, among many other things, he did not want a baby right now and not to be mad at him if he wasn't there for his child.  All the people around me who I had told I was pregnant offered no sound advice either. My cousin who became a mother at 14 let her opinion be known that being a single parent is hard and basically not worth it. My sister who had suffered numerous miscarriages before adopting her child figured out I was pregnant. She offered to take me to the clinic and even admitted her secret of having an abortion 20 years ago. Friends and family who have revealed their experience with abortion to me made it seem as if it was OK. That life goes on. However, that was not my experience.

January 2009: After pleading and begging my child's father to reconsider, I gave up and scheduled the procedure. Everyone stated the procedure was akin to having wisdom teeth removal. That of course was my only surgery prior to this fiasco and I must say I actually enjoyed it. I remember waking up from the extractions feeling light headed and giddy. The sedation was wonderful and now no more pain from my wisdom teeth. Unbeknown to me, waking up from the abortion was... indescribable.

I made a mad dash to gather my things and get out. I looked around at the other lost women and was immediately sicken. They promised relief but all I had was misery and despair. I wanted my baby back but it was much too late for that. I can not describe adequately the emptiness I felt. I came in swollen and full of life and left fragmented, broken, and empty. I was 10 weeks and 2 days the sonogram tech confirmed. I told her I 10 weeks., My baby's due date being August 13, 2009. I have been a wreck. I could barely get out of bed from the grief. I would wake up, shower, and return to bed. I could not work. All I could do was cry, and sob, and weep. The emotional pain engulfed me like a tidal wave. I wanted to die. A part of me did die, and not just my baby. I am forever changed. I have been battling depression ever since. I have taken a post-abortive counseling class. I know I am forgiven and my sin cast in the sea of forgetfulness. I am not ashamed because I sinned against God; judge not lest ye be judged.

But... I am having the hardest time getting over my maternal instincts and bond with my baby. I knew it was the killing of a baby. Just not My baby. I struggle with what type of mother/father kills her/his own baby? She/he is clearly unfit to ever parent. I wonder about my fertility now and if I will ever have children. Now all I want is a baby. Before this ordeal, all I wanted was a husband.

I know a couple of women who claim to be not affected by their abortions and none of them had the emotional response I experienced but they all display other issues. The cousin I mentioned earlier is very promiscuous and takes Plan B like birth control. My sister has been in counseling. Another cousin is abusing drugs. A friend who wanted her abortion against the baby's father wishes, didn't understand why he left her after she aborted his baby and then she married a guy who she knew to be cheating on her 2 months before the wedding.  No problems, huh?

I know my experience is not truly unique or every woman's experience. I was pro choice before my abortion, I am pro-life now. I don't even believe in Plan B anymore. Life begins at conception. The baby is not meant to be viable outside the mother during the first trimester. He is meant for our womb. That's its purpose.

If abortion was illegal, I definitely would not have sought out a back alley one. I think people know that it's a baby or a life. The abortion industry is fueled by greed. Back alley abortionists did not do it to help women or they would have done it for free and learned the skill as not to butcher women. They did it for the same reason they do it today, money.

My baby is worth more than $400.00. But do the math. On the day I was at the clinic I counted at least 10 women. At an average of $500.00, more or less if you are pass the first trimester, that's about $30000 a week times  52 weeks is more than $1.5 million for that one clinic. So you do the math.

How does abortion empower women if it increases our risk of breast cancer, decreases fertility, exposes us to infection and surgical risks, and damages our mental health? I did not want to see the truth. I truly wish I did not have first hand knowledge of its devastation.

This2willpass This2willpass 31-35 55 Responses Jun 5, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I had an abortion on March 9, 2011 via medicines. I forgot what medicine exactly it was. I took orally and one inserted inside me. My boyfriend was with me. He read blogs about abortion pills and bought it from someone who even instructed us the proper procedure. It happened too quickly. When we learned I was pregnant, I knew he wasn't happy. He was afraid because he's younger than me. He didn't go to college and worked on his own. He still lives with his parents because he works freelance and can't afford to rent his own apartment and live independently. I work at home and also didn't have a regular job. I was 25 that time and my bf was 21. We had an ultrasound and learned that the baby was 2 months with a heartbeat. I felt happy. I saw him smiling in the clinic. We got in the car and told me he can't afford to have a baby. I was speechless. I stayed quiet. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I knew my family will support me especially my mom because she once stood up for me when my father wanted to abort me for same reason my bf had, they weren't ready financially. But I was afraid of the judgement I'm gonna get. From his family, mine, & even our friends. I was alone that time I had no one to speak with. His sister sounded proud when she called me and knew about it. She had it thrice and told me it was safe and I will be alright. My bf planned everything.

That last morning I had my baby, I was in pain. It was terrible. I talked to him (I assumed it was a baby boy cos I looked different during the pregnancy), told him it's gonna be alright. I knew he felt that something's gonna happen. Then the pain stopped. I pictured myself having a baby alone, I said to my bf I will be there for the baby, I was ready to raise him. But my bf begged me to choose him and not the baby. Told me the baby was a mistake and we're gonna have babies in the future at the right time. He said if I stayed away and raise my child, he'll be dead. He will commit suicide because I will be gone forever. I was weak, afraid of the future for me and the baby. I thought of financial challenges. I was afraid of everything that I was inside the room and about to take the abortion pill.

It was like having period cramps. I bled profusely I had to wear a diaper. I felt the chunks of blood coming out of me. And that very last chunk I checked, it was my little angel. Lifeless. I cried and cried. I took a photo of him covered with my blood that supposedly give life to him. He lived with me for only two months. I took the chance from him to play around under the sun. To laugh and cry with me. To sing and dance with me. To be fed by me. To be told that I love him. I took everything from him. I was selfish. I feel so sorry and I still can't stop crying now. I will forever be sorry for myself because I killed a part of me. I didn't want to have a child anymore because I thought it would be selfish of me for my first child. Why would I let my 2nd child live when I didn't let my 1st child did? I want to be fair.

I talk to him. I tell him one day I'll be with him. And I won't let anyone hurt him, I won't hurt him. I thought of wanting to die someday saving my baby's life. Because that way I know I can correct my past mistake. That way I know my life will be valuable.

I hated my bf. I hated his sister who is now committing adultery with a married man who has a daughter. I hated their family for supporting their immoral relationship. I'm disgusted with them. I wanted to tell them that they are supporting adultery, abortionist, and murderer. I hated them. I want to let them know what I'm going through so they will feel the pain I'm feeling until now, and forever.

But a voice tells me not to because I feel it's revenge and getting even.

So now I've been sacrificing. I'm crying alone and grieving alone. I did not tell anyone about it because Im protecting my bf and his family. I want to serve the Lord wholly by admitting my mistake but I can't. Because if I did, I will hurt people.

Now I choose to be quiet about it. One day, I can talk about my baby.

To you who's reading this and thinking of having an abortion, think multiple times before doing it. Think of yourself. Talk to the right people. Ask yourself if you can bear the pain that lost mothers had, like me. Ask yourself if you want to live alone or with someone who will love you unconditionally.

Today, I'm still with my bf, but things have changed. I can live without him. It's okay if he goes away because in my heart, our relationship is a mistake until we get a chance to correct it. Until we wholly accept God and admit our fault.

I feel the same way. I'm a young teen. Getting ready to be 16 years old and my babysfather was 20. When I found out he was the first I told. He was very supportive (at first). Then I took a pregnancy test for my mom and first she prayed and then she took me to the E.R and it was positive. She cried and cried and my dad cried and cried and then they told me everything is going to be ok. And the next day they told me that I wasn't having my baby and we all went back and forth about it. His parents found out and told me they don't want me to have it because their son is not doing anything with their life. Then he told me to get a abortion because he doesn't want to go to jail. I was heartbroken and had no support. They told me if I have the baby their not going to be there and I have to get out their house (my parents and they are suppose to be church people). So I told them I would. I was so heartbroken I had no other choice. Where was I going to go? I am only 15! I cried and cried about it and I felt so depressed. I already had depression issues. And then This Sunday (Yesterday) at February 2, 2014 I had the abortion. I thought it was what I wanted to do at the time because I was brain washed. and before they gave me the abortion they gave me a sonogram. As I was looking at my baby I was thinking WHAT AM I DOING? and my mind was telling me to JUMP OFF THAT TABLE! but I couldn't because I didn't want to make my parents and family upset with me. So I got it. and after that for like a hour everything was ok well, I acted like everything was ok but deep down inside I was crushed. That night I couldn't sleep I cried and I cried and was thinking about Why I would do that? and why would I let people talk me into that. Now I see its gone forever and that made it worse. This whole day I cried. I could have sworn I heard my baby cry! I am a nervous wreck and I know its going to get worse! I want to put a picture of my sonogram on my wall with a 5 page letter about how I want My child and God to forgive me but I know my parents are going to say something. So I put it in my wallet and every second I look in my wallet pull out my sonogram and kiss it and shed a tear. WHAT DO I DO? I really regret this. and when I want to take it back, I remember I cant! and its over now! I'm broken hearted and I know I will never be the same. I feel so empty and full of guilt.

I know exactly how you feel I had my abortion on January 12, 2013. I was 17 getting ready to graduate the babys father walked out on me and my parents did the same thing yours did. I was sedated for mine and woke up fine but ever since I have been depressed. I was almost four months pregnant and the only time I saw my baby was at the clinic. I wish I could say after a year I was fine I mean im better but not fine. Im glad I didnt get a copy of my ultrasound. Otherwise I'd want to do the same thing you do.

I'm relating to everyone's story and responses. Something my psychic explained to me when she read me and saw I had "lost my children" was that it really wasn't my choice or decision, it was the souls (of the children) that made things work out that way. It's like getting ready for that roller coaster ride and then realizing you're just not ready and back out at the last minute. She said I had to let the guilt go and they would come back when they were ready. Of course I still think about the "what if's" and it still hurts. I dream of them from time to time and they let me know they love me. I'm 100% ready and waiting for my kids to be also. I have faith we'll be together again in this physical world again soon.

I wish I had read these articles before I had my abortion. I wanted my baby but knew I couldn't cope financially. I heard stories of other women who felt relief and were fine. My boyfriends sister had an abortion and told me that I would never think of it again. My aunt had an abortion. I read stories online of how abortion meant life for the mother. Everybody told me that it would be the best choice the only choice.

I don't remember waking up from the procedure I remember crying hysterically and the nurses having to call my boyfriend. I spend my days staring at the wall wondering if it were a boy or a girl. I can't look at children. I can't watch films with baby's in them. I cry randomly at any time of the day. I'm on medication for sleeping. I hoped and prayed that there was some mistake that I would have a follow up scan and the baby was still there.

Please don't think you will be fine because everyone else. Choose for yourself. Only you. Abortion is too easy to rush into. I wish I had someone at the clinic really take the time to see that the abortion was what I wanted.

There are many of us. I had mine four years ago. Since then, I have had two other children (I'm married) and it doesn't hurt as much, but sometimes it comes back all of a sudden - I feel like a terrible person. But remember that all of us are human and there were so many pressures on us and so much confusion. I was in a better place than most of you and could have stuck it out, but I went along with my husband's pressure to abort. There is a wonderful place for support, passboards.org. I hope it helps you all heal or at least talk about it. I was a pretty good person up to I had the procedure, and now I always feel like I did something wrong - but I also know that I have a lot of love to give, and will spread it for the rest of my life. For those of you who want children in the future, there are so many ways to have them someday, even single, even in your late 40s, so take heart.

i narrowly escaped the forever regret. I absteined from pre-marital affair for 33 years, living a righteous live and very prayerful. My friends were getting married and i became a mockery. Men who promised me disappointed me without mercy, i became fed up and because i was till naive a deceiver came my way and i fell for him, immediately i became pregnant. I became ashamed of myself because of the righteous life i had lived before. The father of my baby was ready to marry me any way because he saw how innocent i was and how long i had reversed myself but family pressure here and there threatened me for an abortion but i refused. After overcoming this i had my pretty baby girl but she had a hole in the heart. I did all i could to help her medically. I spent my last penny on her despite all accusations here and there i cried all the time so that God will have mercy and heal my baby but to no avail, finally i lost my baby after 5 months. Everybody accused me, except the father of the baby who was sober. My family and friends wished i aborted the baby to save my head from the stress and mess but i still had peace that i didn't have an abortion. After the death of my baby, i decided to leave the father of my baby to start up a newlife. Life became horrible for me, friends were mocking me and my family looked down on me, so i reported my matter to pastors but no help so I had to go back to my former man (father of my first baby) to stay for some months till i can save money to start up my life elsewhere in order to be off from the shame. I successfully saved the money and gave a pastor who was willing to help me get an apartment far from my man and to be out of the mess. He saw my tears and decided to offer me a help. To my greatest surprise he spent my money and left me stranded, this kept me longer in my man’s house and i got pregnant again. Wow! This time around the first thought that came to me was abortion. I met a pharmacist that could help, he directed me to a doctor who is good at abortion, the irony of this whole thing is that each time i want to take the step, there is this still small voice that tells me to keep the baby that the baby will not bring sorrow to me again that i should not fear because of the previous experience but fear and worries took over, i became mad at the pastor i gave my money to and quarrelled with him he set me up and i was beating mercilessly by another pastor, knowing fully well that i was pregnant. Few days after the beating, i started bleeding profusely. I went for a scan immediately and the radiologist asked my to evacuate my 10 weeks old baby because it was dead and only particles were left. I cried bitterly for the loss of another baby by satanic beings. I had no money to evacuate my baby so i had to wait for a week. Meanwhile, the father of the baby was very concern and helpful, when i was about to evacuate i told the doctor my story and he asked me to go for another scan and lo and behold! My baby was still alive but very close to the mouth of the womb, that is about to be flushed out of the womb. i was given a lot of precautions to avoid premature delivery. i must tell you that that pregnancy period was hell. i finally got an apartment of my own very far from people that know me but was alone for the remaining 6 months but the father of the child comes time to time to see me. At times under tension because of premature labour but i endured it and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy to the glory of God. Yet i still had bad adivses from evil people who said i would have aborted the baby to save my self of the stress and shame but it’s worth while to keep a soul and loss my integrity with people. It was actually a narrow escape!

This post is old, but its real. Its so real.

I had an abortion at almost 18 weeks, it was illegal because at the time I was 13 ( don't judge me I was ***** ) and got it without my parents consent ( didn't want them to find out) because I knew the right people. Before then I didn't think anything about an abortion...it didn't really seem wrong, but now I realize I couldn't have been more wrong. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Four years later I'm still yearning for my baby.


When you say even though you are forgiven, but you still feel that bond I completely understood what you meant. I think it has to do with if you wanted the baby or not as to how the abortion effects you. I wanted mine but for obvious reasons I couldn't have it, and you wanted yours but decided it was better not to raise it alone.

Have you had children since you wrote this?? If so did it help you to feel less aching for the one you gave up or did it make it worse??

I had my first abortion 3 weeks ago today, I was also 18 weeks, I was just wondering has anyone found any counselling support etc? My clinic was over an hour away and the only counselling they could offer me was there, I'm in a pretty bad place so could do with any sites or something that may help or support me?

Thank you bushwah, I've just posted my own story and will have a look at the more recent stories, thank you very much for your help x

Hi I had an abortion at 8 weeks, I pleaded with my boyfriend at the time go didn't want to know, he said to me I would live in a 1 bedroom flat with my baby and he would only see me once a week. I was 21 at the time he said if I was abit older he would have dragged me out of the hospital to stop me. He had been married and wanted children which I couldn't understand. We separated a week after I had the abortion and wouldn't speak to me and I was beside myself. I let myself go. I was going home with another man and I saw him I begged for him to take me back and he wouldn't I went home with this man but couldn't go through with it. I had to go to a friends house about 3Am I was so sorry I have my baby up even to this day. He is now married to my ex-best friend and they have a baby girl. I went in2 depression 2 I thought of who he/she would look like, colour eyes, sex I still think of the baby now and it's 5 years on. I cry myself to sleep some nights I don't tell anybody. I feel sometimes I want to find a man and get pregnant on purpose just to try and have a baby just to try and replace my own. Iv been betrayed hurt and now I'm all alone with no baby to love xx

How do you feel now.... I had an abortion at 14weeks and I feel like the pain will never pass.... I desperately want to have another baby and part of me feels as though that will ease the pain of the abortion. I don't care if my partner leaves or stays at this point I just want peace of mind and my child. I know having another wont replace the one I knowingly gave up but I hope it helps.

I went threw the same thing a couple months ago im 14 and im just not myself since. I dont have my babyboy i miss him so much ill anything to have him back :'( rest in the sweetest place my little angel mommy will always love you.for anybody who went threw this i really feel for its not easy overcoming this im crying so much i cant type anymore..

I have always been against abortion, when I was 15 I got pregnant and even though I knew my dad would hate me for embarrassing him by being pregnant at such a young age and I didn't love the babies father, I kept her. Today she is a beautiful 4 year old. Well in June of this year I found out I was pregnant again, my boyfriend didn't want the baby and emotionally beat me into having an abortion. I hate myself now for doing it. I know I could do it on my own. I raised my first child when I was only 15 but I was weak and let someone bully me into something I am morally against. I feel for you more then if it had been a miscarriage, those are devistating and I can't even imagine the pain but we made a choice and it's on our hands. There's no pain or guilt more painful then that.

I had an abortion 4 weeks ago and my life feels so worthless now :( I didn't keep her because I was afraid of the judgement I would get from my family . My finance was behind whatever decision I wanted to make. I have never hurt this much in my life and I am pro life now. Everytime I see a baby or a pregnant woman my heart breaks even more

\" Everytime I see a baby or a pregnant woman my heart breaks even more.\" - same here it\'s devastating I beat myself up all over again, and I know that I was the one meant to be a mother.

hi, i had an abortion 5weeks and im exactly the same. my boyfriend didnt want a baby either after actually planning to have a baby together, sorting out names .. everything. when we broke up, i finally decided to have an abortion .. i was 20weeks gone. i still regret having an abortion and i cry everyday wishing i didnt do it. a couple of days ago, i had a meeting with a counseller and she said the best way to heal yourself is to name your baby but also i found this poem which might help. even though your baby is not here, he/she is up in heaven, and no matter you're still a mother:
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Beautiful poem.....thank you for posting

I have just read your post, and although i know it is an old post, i hope someone out there will read it and right back. I had an abortion 3 weeks ago, i was 8 weeks, i found out at 3 weeks but we were going to keep him/her, then we weren't etc. So it then became quite a late abortion. I felt relief in the first few days, perhaps selfish relief or sickness and bloating. Now all i feel is regret, i feel like i have no purpose in life now. I am at uni, studying musical theatre, which i used to love. I have no been in 3 weeks as i can't seem to find the motivation to even get out of bed, and if i manage to get out of bed then i really cant get out of my pj's. I have no idea what to do, i miss my baby. I had an incling it was a boy and since then i felt like i bonded with him, and wanted him. I though an abortion was best for me and my partner and most of all the baby, as we dont have an awful amount of money. But i now know that we could have coped. There is nothing i can do, i want a baby and i want to be pregnant. But i dont want to just get pregnant again, i want my baby back! :( I am in pieces, please can someone give me some advice? x

I have read what you have said and I feel so much the same as yourself!! I had my abortion only two weeks past and already I feel empty, apart of me had died along with my baby, I can barely respect myself never mind ask for respect from others!!

I have not yet forgive myself and don't think I ever will so there fore can not ask for forgiveness!!

Pain is not a headache or toothache it's the grieving process gone through when you loose someone close and no one could be closer that the child living in you!!

I am sorry for you loss and the pain you feel but please remember you are not a lone there is many of us out there all feeling as low as you my love!!

Take care

I had an abortion 2 days ago! I was 9 weeks! All along my partner didn't want it and told me he would leave if I had it. His mom pressured me to get rid. I have 3 children from prev marriage and he has 1 child from prev marriage. He didn't want anymore.
I wanted the baby, but with no choices I decided to let them win, I couldn't fight anymore.
I had the surgical, I said good bye to it sobbing, I woke up sobbing. Now it's gone, I'm empty and want my baby back so much.
I don't feel the same towards my partner.
They put a coil in me 2 and I want to pull it out, I don't want it there.
I'm in such a mess. Just regret what I did x x

I hope you are feeling a little healed! I understand excatly how you are feeling! If you ever need to chat I'm here x

I had an abortion at 11-12 weeks. I'm still not sure why I did, I guess I felt like my husband would not leave me? He didn't want more kids, mine are 12&8, and I've had major medical problems that would've required a lot of medical attention, and he wanted me to be healthy for our children now. But if it was meant to be, then why was I still pregnant at 12 weeks? And everything was going great. Strong heart beat, healthy as far as I knew. I wanted that baby for so long and I finally got it. But I was not my self when I walked into that room. I'd already walked out of one abortion clinic, and it took me 4 more weeks to decide. It was the worst experience of my life. Mine took longer then normal, I was awake the entire time just bawling, and it was terrible. I needed pitocin afterwards, I was in so much pain. It's been 4 weeks now, and I know I made the wrong decision. I feel it in my soul. I am a terrible person, and I feel like I killed my baby, and I will never forgive myself. I just wish my husband of 10 years knew me better to have let me go through with it knowing all along I wanted a baby. It's very very sad for me to think about, and my sister is pregnant, was due 4 days before me. I miss my baby, more then anyone knows, and my husband just tells me to get over it already, he doesn't even care. Just glad he doesn't have another damn kid..;(

Your story is like mine. I wish I never listened to them. I wish I was stronger for my baby, I gave in! Why did I do that? I'm angry with myself that I did this.
How can I put things right? I want to leave him and find someone who loves me and my children. And if I got pregnant would support me, not drop me off at an abortion clinic.
I am weak and stupid for letting people influence me to have an abortion.
I just want my baby back ;( x x my heart goes out to all of you knowing you all feel the same pain, these men are useless and should be ashamed of them selves x x x

I am reeling with regret as I went thru with my abortion just 5 days ago. I was 15 weeks. I truly made the biggest mistake in my life. I just wish when I was told I was 15 weeks along that I got up and walked out of the clinic. By this time I was already given an ativan and was just mute and passive. I could hear well but my mind was clouded. I just kept going along with each step they shuffled me onto. By the time I walked into the procedure room I was not me, I just wished I hadn't put those 2 pills under my tongue, hadn't gotten crampy, hadn't climbed up on the table and wished I found my voice thru the haze of drugs they gave me, and walked out of there with my baby still growing inside of me. I haven't stopped crying since. I have 2 children (8 & 5) and today my 8 year old brought tears to my eyes by saying he wished he had a brother. I wish I could tell him in a little bit you just might. I did what their father wanted, although I stopped talking to him at the end of July. I terminated my childs life because of other people --not me. I knew my family would be really upset if I decided to have my baby. I'm sitting here at my parents dining table wanting to tell my mom and let out my guilt to her even tho what I did 5 days ago is un-do-able.

What's killing me the most is that I miss the daily vomitting, the inability to eat, the hardness in my belly, and today I was putting my bra on and fluid came out of my breasts---i started bawling that was supposed to come 25 weeks from now to feed my baby, and now its hitting me that I forever stopped that.

My due date was Feb 16, 2013.

I named my baby Jahsiah Xavier (as I thought in my heart that it was a boy).

All I can say now is R.I.P my baby, please forgive me, I love you and really wish I could undue what I have done.

I miss my baby i.see so many other girls my age having babies n i wish i.didnt do it im only 17 n so is my boyfriend i.never wanted to do it everyone told me to.n if anyone asks me about abortions id say have your baby dont kill it it hurts too much after . Everyone of my friends.say id be a good mumn thats all i ever want to be and i need ny baby back i.hate this i.just want a cuddle n for someone to.listen to me

I had had an abortion about 12 years ago. I was with someone I didn't love and our relationship was a really complicated one. Like many of you, I felt no support from anyone, even my own boyfriend behaved like it just didn't matter. I felt so overwhelmed, alone and absolutely not ready I asked him for the money and went to make the appointment. I remember having a sort of short talk a week before the procedure and being asked if I'm sure I want to go through. Of course I said yes. Partly because I didn't see any other way and partly because I felt I had already taken so much of their time and attention - oh how stupid I was, I know. I remember also how tender I felt when tocuhing my stomach and thinking I should not eat sth wrong just in case sth changes and the baby will live through but harmed by my actions.. In a truly illogical manner, a week later I was in the clinic.. I didn't cry afterwards. I just felt very very sad to have lost the life in me but did not really feel devastated. 12 years on, almost 40, still in the same relationship, and still with no children of my own, this time I'm about to attend the FERTILITY! clinic though I feel I may have started with the menopause already. I'm so desperate I'm ready to be a mother to a child of the same man I had teh abortion with. I've been depressed for the last 10 years or so but recently the realization of how many wrong decisions have I made makes me almost unable to move. Thinking back to then, I can only wish internet was as available as it is today and that I would have found posts like those here early enough. I used to support the idea of choosing abortion in place of coping with unwanted pregnancy but now I think the decision is just too awfully irreversible.

Hi ladies I am still so sad. Am not pregnant and don't know if I could be again. I don't want another baby I want the one I stupidly aborted. I am so torn with guilt today. Feel like such a bloody fool. I would be nearly 19 weeks if I hadn't chosen that path, but I did and I'll need to live with that. I am so lucky I have four great kids. who I feel like I really don't deserve. I'll keep praying this pain will go and eventually I'll heal. Stay strong ladies. Life isn't easy but just wish it wasn't so hard.

I had an abortion exactly one year ago, August 13, 2011 to be exact. That day a part of me died and I thought I was the only one who felt that way. No one in my immediate family or close friends knoww the pain that I've gone through since that day and reading your story made me realize that I'm not alone. I believe that our unborn children are angels in heaven.

I can relate to all your stories an have so much empathy for all of you. I aborted my fifth child 8 weeks and three days ago. I was clinically depressed at the time. I am a Christian and was at the time of the termination . I miss my child so much and had I been well I know I would never have went down that path. I know Gods understands this and have prayed daily to get my child back. I think he could do this if he chooses.I hate myself and look at my other 4 kids and wonder how in the world I could possibly have done such a thing. I feel I owe it to my child to get pregnant and at least give him a chance of life. Maybe that is just stupid??? God Bless you all we too are victims in this though maybe not as much so as our unborn angels.

I aborted what would be my 4th child 14 weeks ago I should be round and glowing full of love instead I am empty and sad and alone in my grief my husband didnt want the child it was a night of forgetting oursleves. I get hyperemisis severly and we were moving countries, I had been hospitalised twice already for the sickness and we simpky ran out of time. I tricked myself into thinking all I cared about was being better again. Now I think back I had a mesley 4 weeks to go and the sickness would have left. How did I get so caught up in the sickness that I didnt see what I was dong to myself. My hubby listens to my whinging but doesnt understand hes never felt what its like to have a baby inside you twisting and kicking, he doesnt get how you share yourself with that baby for ever not just while they're inside you. Will I ever get over this. I now want another baby I want to give my baby a chance to live and smile and laugh and be held and loved, but I have this wall this awful sickness that is making it impossable for me to make myself whole again. Sorry about the bad typing I'm struggling to see through tears

The comments here break my heart. No one has the right to tell you can't grieve or that you should "just get over it" or that your experience somehow doesn't matter because other women say their abortions don't affect them. You have every right to grieve and remember the child lost to you. I would like to recommend if I may Rachel's Vineyard. They help with healing after abortion and I know they have helped friends of mine who had abortions.

After googling i can accross this wish id had seen this 4weeks ago :( i was 14 weeks and regret it so much i feel so alone and lost and like i failed my other child i kept her but killed this one like it was second best like i didnt care :/ i wish i could go back i was raped so i felt was only fair the baby didnt have a monster as a dad but it turned out to have a killer of a mum ,ladies please think long and hard ITS YOUR CHOICE !!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had a abortion 11 yrs ago and til this day it kills me. I wish someone (anyone!!!!) could have told me not to. The only people ( my family) I didn't tell because I was to scared to tell them ,would have told me not to. Everyone else told me I was too young and to do it. I'm now 28 with aggressive Endomitriosis and I may never have children. I pray I will...... Just be strong, we all may mistakes, even big ones. I'm ashamed of what i did and I don't tell to many people but i would be interested in some group counseling. I never knew they had that. I have just been dealing with this on my own all these years. I'm glad I just found out. I have been in a depression all this time. I know I'm going on and on but this is the first time I'm really voicing anything about it. Its hard and I can't understand how people don't care after their abortion. As soon as I woke up after the procedure I started to cry. I tryed to say stop before they knocked me out, but it was too late.. I went under. I just hope God forgives me and gives me another chance.. Enough about me.... Be strong.... and if someone starts to tell u that they are about to have one just tell them ur story even if they don't want to hear it. That will be my way talking about it..

I had an abortion on Thursday 3 may 2012. I woke up after the abortion and I was fine and for few days i was so relieved. All the pain, heartburn, nausea everything was gone. But now i cant stop thinking about the child i cant look at my fiancé because it just reminds me of my child. I cringe at his touch. No one forced me for the abortion it was my own choice. My finacé even asked me if I want to keep it. But to be honest that wasnt possible. Sex before marriage is a BIG NO in my community. Even if we would have gotten married I was already 6 weeks in when I found out. And having this child would have disgraced our families. But even with all tht rationalization i cant stop thinking about the baby. And i cant stand being touhed by my fiancé and i feel like i am a horrible person. I just want to be drunk all the time so i dont think about it. I wish i could just go back in time and make the right choice. About sex before marriage and tht baby. I wish i could fix everything but i cant!!!!!

I had a abortion on august 3rd 2011. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I dont know what to do, im still with my boyfriend who i was pregnant with, but everytime i see him it reminds me of our lil baby. I dont talk to him about it because i dont want to upset him, but its killing me. He keeps talking about how he wants a lil girl but i think to myself if you didnt want me to keep our baby the first time, why would you want another kid now. Im scared of upsetting him, but i cant take it no more. I cant go near him unless im drunk, that surely isnt right. I cant even look straight at him even now, and its been 8 months. Everytime i look at my boyfriends picture i imagine how our lil baby wouldve looked like. I seriously dont know what to do, any advice anyone?

I'm sorry for all your losses, and the pain you all had to go through. I truly empathize with you all and even though i have never been through anything like this in my life, i can understand how you feel. I have an two aunts (mom's sisters) and both of them have had abortions prior to them being married. Today, they're both happily married and one of them yearns for a child but has never been able to have one and the other has a beautiful young boy (18 years old). Always remember, the only thing you really need is to be a mother. And you do not need to be pregnant to be one. You will have a child, whether adopted or your own, when you are ready to be a mother. And I have no doubt in my mind that each and everyone of you will love their child a lot. My aunt that has never been able to have a baby really wanted to adopt one but her husband was against it. They are happy together but I always wonder if she regrets the abortion she had. I have never spoken to my aunt about this and my mom is the one who told me about their stories and educated me about how I need to be careful in life and not make any decisions i would regret. I am blessed with a wonderful, caring mother, thanks to god almighty and I really pray and hope that the ones that feel sorry will soon feel like they have been forgiven. One thing you should remember always, is that it could have been worse. Things could have been worse, so wherever you stand right now, is the best possible thing that could have happened to you. When you hurt yourself because you are being too hard on yourself, you are making yourself weaker and you won't be able to face life the way you used to.. n this lowers your chances of being a happy, strong and confident woman that you could be someday .. for your future child and baby. I will give you some stories of women that suffer from diseases that cannot get preggo even though they want to. If any one of you have ever heard of endometriosis ( I have a brother who is a doctor and I learn a lot from him ) Women with Endo, work so hard to try to get preggo but they can't. N I have been told stories about women whose doctors told them upright, to lose all hope and to adopt a child.. once a doctor told an endo suffering woman = You have to be your own advocate when it comes to fertility, even when the whole world tells you its impossible.. if its something you want, you have to fight for it. N the woman got pregnant after 7 months of being in a relationship with no medication what so ever. Someday, you will have what you want.. for now you should focus on what you need.. which is finding your own stability and happiness in life .. and getting over your tragedies. Bless you all.