Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I Want My Baby Back...

I regret killing my baby. I thought I was doing the best thing for my child. I knew he was a baby, living inside of me. My boyfriend told me, among many other things, he did not want a baby right now and not to be mad at him if he wasn't there for his child.  All the people around me who I had told I was pregnant offered no sound advice either. My cousin who became a mother at 14 let her opinion be known that being a single parent is hard and basically not worth it. My sister who had suffered numerous miscarriages before adopting her child figured out I was pregnant. She offered to take me to the clinic and even admitted her secret of having an abortion 20 years ago. Friends and family who have revealed their experience with abortion to me made it seem as if it was OK. That life goes on. However, that was not my experience.

January 2009: After pleading and begging my child's father to reconsider, I gave up and scheduled the procedure. Everyone stated the procedure was akin to having wisdom teeth removal. That of course was my only surgery prior to this fiasco and I must say I actually enjoyed it. I remember waking up from the extractions feeling light headed and giddy. The sedation was wonderful and now no more pain from my wisdom teeth. Unbeknown to me, waking up from the abortion was... indescribable.

I made a mad dash to gather my things and get out. I looked around at the other lost women and was immediately sicken. They promised relief but all I had was misery and despair. I wanted my baby back but it was much too late for that. I can not describe adequately the emptiness I felt. I came in swollen and full of life and left fragmented, broken, and empty. I was 10 weeks and 2 days the sonogram tech confirmed. I told her I 10 weeks., My baby's due date being August 13, 2009. I have been a wreck. I could barely get out of bed from the grief. I would wake up, shower, and return to bed. I could not work. All I could do was cry, and sob, and weep. The emotional pain engulfed me like a tidal wave. I wanted to die. A part of me did die, and not just my baby. I am forever changed. I have been battling depression ever since. I have taken a post-abortive counseling class. I know I am forgiven and my sin cast in the sea of forgetfulness. I am not ashamed because I sinned against God; judge not lest ye be judged.

But... I am having the hardest time getting over my maternal instincts and bond with my baby. I knew it was the killing of a baby. Just not My baby. I struggle with what type of mother/father kills her/his own baby? She/he is clearly unfit to ever parent. I wonder about my fertility now and if I will ever have children. Now all I want is a baby. Before this ordeal, all I wanted was a husband.

I know a couple of women who claim to be not affected by their abortions and none of them had the emotional response I experienced but they all display other issues. The cousin I mentioned earlier is very promiscuous and takes Plan B like birth control. My sister has been in counseling. Another cousin is abusing drugs. A friend who wanted her abortion against the baby's father wishes, didn't understand why he left her after she aborted his baby and then she married a guy who she knew to be cheating on her 2 months before the wedding.  No problems, huh?

I know my experience is not truly unique or every woman's experience. I was pro choice before my abortion, I am pro-life now. I don't even believe in Plan B anymore. Life begins at conception. The baby is not meant to be viable outside the mother during the first trimester. He is meant for our womb. That's its purpose.

If abortion was illegal, I definitely would not have sought out a back alley one. I think people know that it's a baby or a life. The abortion industry is fueled by greed. Back alley abortionists did not do it to help women or they would have done it for free and learned the skill as not to butcher women. They did it for the same reason they do it today, money.

My baby is worth more than $400.00. But do the math. On the day I was at the clinic I counted at least 10 women. At an average of $500.00, more or less if you are pass the first trimester, that's about $30000 a week times  52 weeks is more than $1.5 million for that one clinic. So you do the math.

How does abortion empower women if it increases our risk of breast cancer, decreases fertility, exposes us to infection and surgical risks, and damages our mental health? I did not want to see the truth. I truly wish I did not have first hand knowledge of its devastation.

This2willpass This2willpass 31-35 65 Responses Jun 5, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

Add a response...

I had an abortion on 8/05/2015. 15 days ago. I'm 14 and I absolutely regret having one. I was 9 weeks when I found out at the hospital. I went with my mom because I would throw up and I just thought I was sick. Turns out my urine pregnancy test came back positive. I told the father who is 14 also and he walked away. Out of fright he said. I cried during the whole procedure. I was so scared exspecially since I was alone. My mother wouldn't look at me. The father he hadn't texted at all. My sister had picked me up seeing me in tears. I hadn't cried like that in so many years. Usually cry about a few tears. But I couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurt. I would wake up in the morning and cry because I would expect morning sickness. I would wait. But I had a hard time knowing it wouldn't. I don't really eat. I have only one picture of my baby. One. I wish I wouldn't have ended my baby. I regret it so bad. I only knew I was pregnant for three days. Only three. My sister told me that if I didn't end it now then in 2 more weeks I couldn't end it. I didn't know that I could have waited longer. Had more time to think. I found out a week later what they did to my baby. Tore it piece by piece. I literally felt my heart falling apart. Now I am consumed by anger. I have no one to talk to that understands. I lash out. I punch things. I'm filled by anger. I cry so many days. I hold the picture of my baby to my heart every night. I wish for her to come back. I wanted to know her gender but I only hope she was a girl. I would have named her Addison Emery Sky (My Last Name). I wish I would have a second chance and would have left that place. Saved my baby.

I am so sorry that this this happened to you. It was the hardest thing I ever did too. Abortion should be made illegal due to the emotional and mental damages it causes.

Add a response...

I feel this grieve right now here I am successful and beautiful. I am becoming the woman I always wanted to become except the mother I always thought I would be. God is punishing me now after having 3 miscarriages back to back. After losing three family members back to back. Yet, every year due date which is actually the birthday of my precious little boy I am distraught! Also, every Christmas I am filled with disbelief that me the beautiful and kind woman I am to other children have murdered my very own. How could I the sweetest woman I am allow my child that I rubbed for several weeks and approximately 12 weeks and 5 days that I would keep him safe. God allowed me to dream of him and his precious birth during my pregnancy. Yet, young and naive at the time as I was mislead to believe this was acceptable. There is nothing on Earth acceptable about this as much as we would like to believe. I see now that these humans who help us young women at a devastating time in our lives when we truly need nothing but prayer and love are the devils!!! I have became bitter with every miscarriage and the fathers not one but two failed relationships have left! I have the same sad experience with him begging me for a child, me being pregnant and nothing but a strong fear and my heart and the wanting to not be a mother! Why would I beg God for children I don't want because I want my baby the one I threw away as if it was a doll! And because of this my God has snatched the joy I start to feel and comfort I start to earn from realizing although it's not my first pregnancy it just may be my first born child. Whenever, I get excited and bond those babies are ripped away from me with excruciating pain that isn't compared to abortion! Nobody can feel sympathy for us crazy and deranged women murdering our own flush in blood! However, the pain felt when all you wish is to hold them and love them. All you wish is to make up for failing your aborted child and yet God punishes you indefinitely! I am sure now at least I am going to Heaven because here God has said to me he has forgiven but he has also multiplied my pain on Earth. If God does decide to ever bless me again with a life which I pray he does, I pray for my sanity! Because as of today looking back on my teen years and not being able to give a child financial stability I've learned a child only needs love. Children don't care about you having a degree, a $60K salary, a stupid cubicle with nosey coworkers who you call friends and a nice house that you sleep alone in but it's fancy enough for your liking all they want is a mother's love! Since, the day I loss my baby I never looked at me the same. Yet, everyone still looks at me as beautiful, loving and sweetheart! How can I be these things if I have given away such a precious gift from God because I was selfish and spoiled! Because I felt like I wanted to break up with a guy and make him feel just as bad as I was feeling from morning sickness that I murdered our child! He has never forgiven me and I blame him for all the pain I feel but in reality I caused him pain! I didn't give him the opportunity to bond with our baby, I didn't give him the opportunity to love us I just out of fear shoved him away like he was an animal and turned around did the exact same thing to our baby! I'm so sorry ladies if I am making a big rant here. But, yes we are mothers and me I think I'm a horrible one so horrible all my other babies spontaneously abort themselves from my womb! I want to just hold my baby one day but I guess that is up to God not me. I miscarried 4 months ago, I don't know why but I suggest it was due to being traumatized after an abortion. I thought about my first pregnancy and I reacted the exact same way very depressed. A baby can't be born to a mother who is so stressed she can kill herself if she continues. It's sad because the father is such a loving father to his child from prior relationship. It's sad because he cried when I was no longer with child and it's sad because the way I had acted during the pregnancy he believes I aborted our child!!! He cried out to me how could you kill my baby! Here I am the women who is feeling bad enough for my trouble and he thinks I would kill his baby. Yet, now I know exactly why he believes this because of my recurring traumatic experience the personality I displayed during my first pregnancy continues during each pregnancy as a result these babies leave me on there own! I am just trying to make up for not being a good mother and persuading this man that I still care and I didn't abort his baby! So, now I lost two people I love this year. It's almost Christmas too I'm going to have a day of mourning on Christmas eve!

When I got pregnant last year, my husband was not ready because of our financial situations, and his failing health, us not having a house yet, and more reasons not to keep the baby... We were going to give him up for adoption so he could have a better life.. After my husband considered adoption, I cried almost every night before I would go to sleep... even though our baby was still in my womb, for some reason I felt that emptiness in my heart.. it was really hard.. I wasn't ready to be a mom yet but it happened, I got pregnant and to think that I would never have the chance to nurture him, and be there for him all his life, it was heart breaking... My husband did not want our baby because of the circumstances we were in. He couldn't even rub my belly when our baby would do kicks..But you know what I did? I have prayed, and prayed and prayed to God to find a way for us.... I have fought for my baby, and to God be the glory, our baby boy came out last January 24th, 2014 and he got his daddy's toes;) Yup, he did.. and when my husband first held him in his arms, he told me that he told himself, "I can't give you up for adoption"... Our baby boy is now 9months old, and very sweet and my husband loves him to life! If giving up my baby for adoption scared me to life, how much more is abortion?My friend, abortion is murder.. People that think that respecting women's right to abort her baby is loving, they are SICK in the head... this is murder, and innocent little babies that have been killed will be vindicated by God. Jesus died on the cross for our sins because there was no way we could follow the law perfectly. The blood He shed on the cross cleanses all the unrighteousness of a human being who would repent and have faith in Jesus Christ.. God is a loving God but there are consequences of our actions. If you aborted your baby, it is normal that you feel guilty, sad because the laws are written in our hearts.. we know that it is wrong to murder innocent babies but we still do it anyways... we're not just selfish, but we are sinning against God...

Me too I had an abortion a week ago...I was 8 weeks pregnant..if me and my lover or I can call my bf had fight for it maybe I still or we still have our baby but our situation is the matter we are both married but I am separated and he is still with his wife but he wanted to leave her but of course its not that too easy...we love our baby in my womb but the circumstances is so hard, the day that I had my operation it was to painful not only physically but emotionally I lost my baby with even fighting for him/her...I really missed my baby for about 8weeks that I had her/him in my womb it feels so great and beautiful..I felt its pulses over me..a bubble feeling inside my tummy. .every time I eat ,I ate for my baby..before I go to sleep I sang a song SOMEONE WAITING FOR YOU..I really missed those days but I can't regret more coz it was too late for me I had a wrong decision for my baby. ..but we really love our baby that we keep on praying and asking for forgiveness. .I also recited a novena for the peace of the soul and happiness of my baby in heaven

Add a response...

I am in the same situation. He wants one. He calls me selfish. He was thinks I am stupid.

I have been debating to do it bc I don't want to deal with this guy anymore but I can't every time I go to the clinic I run out.

Is something wrong with me

November 2005, I was 15 yrs old. I met the love of my life. We met in August that year. I became pregnant. He gave me the option. But did not force me to do anything I didn't want to do. I waited, & waited until I decided to call and schedule the appointment. February 10, 2006 I was 1( years old. A freshman in highschool, I skipped school and went to have the procedure done. I remember it like it was this morning. I saw all the other woman/ young girls waiting in the same room as me. Bug I still went through with it. After the sonogram the nurse left the room, and I peeked in my folder to see the little speck of the life form that lived inside me. Why I didn't run then? I don't know. Thank you satan. (Sarcastically). There was another young girl sitting next to me in the recovery room. An African American girl, who asked me if I regretted what I had just done. I said yes, and she then asked, "do you think God will forgive us?" I'll never forget that. I wish I knew who she was. Her name, where she is today! I am now 24 years old. I am married to the same love of my life. We have 2 children now and just passed our 3 year anniversary in September. Ashton Kinsley will be 4 in Decemeber, and Alexander James just turned 1 in August. They should have an older brother or sister who would be about 9 years old now. I've asked for forgiveness. I know God is good and forgave me. But it's so hard to forgive myself. I'm still trying. I wish I could forget that whole day. The procedure itself. But I can't. Your not alone if you searched what I did to find this page. God loves you and your precious baby on heaven. We HAVE to find a way to forgive ourselves. Help me do that? Please.

I might be pregnant and I have the same problem as you already and I don't even know yet... I don't want an abortion but my partner is not ready yet, he wants to live life and wait in till he had a house and a job and money, me ... All I want is not to kill my baby :,( I've got no choice, so there was no point me writing this :,(

You'll never forgive yourself. Being a single parent is hard. But taking your sweet babies life is harder. Please talk to God and other woman who are in your situation or have been there. Like me. Being a mom is a gift. I promise.

I know how you feel I am 17 years old now and I got pregnant at 16. I knew I made a mistake and I should of used protection. But I had made that mistake and to be honest it is not a mistake at all to me because now that I think about it god wanted me to have that baby and I didn't listen to him. I feel really bad that I went throw abortion. It kills me every day that I went throw that. I have an ultrasound picture of my baby and I miss her/he so much. I feel like I am dying every day with pain. My due date was going to be September 28,214

I meant September 28,2014 sorry my phone going crazy

It's ok. We all make mistakes. I did too. I saw my babies sonogram as well. I have 2 living babies now. The pain doesn't go away. It just gets easier to deal with. god loves you. And forgives you.

To all the mother's out there that have carried a child, felt their presence and/or was lucky enough to get to raise their child, happy mother's day (11/05/14). Although our child may no longer be here, I feel that they will forever live in our heart and mind. Sadness and regret may always remain, but life continues each day and hopefully friends and family may help ease some of the pain. For me my child lives on in my heart and although the memories of the abortion still remain, I pray that he/she will be happier and healthier in a better and brighter life until the day we meet again, and I am thankful to have had my child's existence living on my memory and am looking forward till the day we meet again.
Try to be strong for the people you hold dear still around you and also I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to read your story. I am now going thru the same hell. I felt pushed into a abortion I did not want, but I felt I didn't have a choice. Now all I want is my baby back. It's all I can think of. I cry everyday. I've never been so shattered in my life. I wish abortion was illegal, because if it was, my baby would still be growing inside me. I will never stop regretting what I've done. Ever.

I had an abortion on March 9, 2011 via medicines. I forgot what medicine exactly it was. I took orally and one inserted inside me. My boyfriend was with me. He read blogs about abortion pills and bought it from someone who even instructed us the proper procedure. It happened too quickly. When we learned I was pregnant, I knew he wasn't happy. He was afraid because he's younger than me. He didn't go to college and worked on his own. He still lives with his parents because he works freelance and can't afford to rent his own apartment and live independently. I work at home and also didn't have a regular job. I was 25 that time and my bf was 21. We had an ultrasound and learned that the baby was 2 months with a heartbeat. I felt happy. I saw him smiling in the clinic. We got in the car and told me he can't afford to have a baby. I was speechless. I stayed quiet. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I knew my family will support me especially my mom because she once stood up for me when my father wanted to abort me for same reason my bf had, they weren't ready financially. But I was afraid of the judgement I'm gonna get. From his family, mine, & even our friends. I was alone that time I had no one to speak with. His sister sounded proud when she called me and knew about it. She had it thrice and told me it was safe and I will be alright. My bf planned everything.

That last morning I had my baby, I was in pain. It was terrible. I talked to him (I assumed it was a baby boy cos I looked different during the pregnancy), told him it's gonna be alright. I knew he felt that something's gonna happen. Then the pain stopped. I pictured myself having a baby alone, I said to my bf I will be there for the baby, I was ready to raise him. But my bf begged me to choose him and not the baby. Told me the baby was a mistake and we're gonna have babies in the future at the right time. He said if I stayed away and raise my child, he'll be dead. He will commit suicide because I will be gone forever. I was weak, afraid of the future for me and the baby. I thought of financial challenges. I was afraid of everything that I was inside the room and about to take the abortion pill.

It was like having period cramps. I bled profusely I had to wear a diaper. I felt the chunks of blood coming out of me. And that very last chunk I checked, it was my little angel. Lifeless. I cried and cried. I took a photo of him covered with my blood that supposedly give life to him. He lived with me for only two months. I took the chance from him to play around under the sun. To laugh and cry with me. To sing and dance with me. To be fed by me. To be told that I love him. I took everything from him. I was selfish. I feel so sorry and I still can't stop crying now. I will forever be sorry for myself because I killed a part of me. I didn't want to have a child anymore because I thought it would be selfish of me for my first child. Why would I let my 2nd child live when I didn't let my 1st child did? I want to be fair.

I talk to him. I tell him one day I'll be with him. And I won't let anyone hurt him, I won't hurt him. I thought of wanting to die someday saving my baby's life. Because that way I know I can correct my past mistake. That way I know my life will be valuable.

I hated my bf. I hated his sister who is now committing adultery with a married man who has a daughter. I hated their family for supporting their immoral relationship. I'm disgusted with them. I wanted to tell them that they are supporting adultery, abortionist, and murderer. I hated them. I want to let them know what I'm going through so they will feel the pain I'm feeling until now, and forever.

But a voice tells me not to because I feel it's revenge and getting even.

So now I've been sacrificing. I'm crying alone and grieving alone. I did not tell anyone about it because Im protecting my bf and his family. I want to serve the Lord wholly by admitting my mistake but I can't. Because if I did, I will hurt people.

Now I choose to be quiet about it. One day, I can talk about my baby.

To you who's reading this and thinking of having an abortion, think multiple times before doing it. Think of yourself. Talk to the right people. Ask yourself if you can bear the pain that lost mothers had, like me. Ask yourself if you want to live alone or with someone who will love you unconditionally.

Today, I'm still with my bf, but things have changed. I can live without him. It's okay if he goes away because in my heart, our relationship is a mistake until we get a chance to correct it. Until we wholly accept God and admit our fault.

I'm so sorry you went through this :( I see too many times society focusing on the choice of pregnant women to terminate, but what about the choice to KEEP the baby? Many times women are pressured into having an abortion they don't want to have, resulting in so much pain and regret :(

I'm relating to everyone's story and responses. Something my psychic explained to me when she read me and saw I had "lost my children" was that it really wasn't my choice or decision, it was the souls (of the children) that made things work out that way. It's like getting ready for that roller coaster ride and then realizing you're just not ready and back out at the last minute. She said I had to let the guilt go and they would come back when they were ready. Of course I still think about the "what if's" and it still hurts. I dream of them from time to time and they let me know they love me. I'm 100% ready and waiting for my kids to be also. I have faith we'll be together again in this physical world again soon.

I wish I had read these articles before I had my abortion. I wanted my baby but knew I couldn't cope financially. I heard stories of other women who felt relief and were fine. My boyfriends sister had an abortion and told me that I would never think of it again. My aunt had an abortion. I read stories online of how abortion meant life for the mother. Everybody told me that it would be the best choice the only choice.

I don't remember waking up from the procedure I remember crying hysterically and the nurses having to call my boyfriend. I spend my days staring at the wall wondering if it were a boy or a girl. I can't look at children. I can't watch films with baby's in them. I cry randomly at any time of the day. I'm on medication for sleeping. I hoped and prayed that there was some mistake that I would have a follow up scan and the baby was still there.

Please don't think you will be fine because everyone else. Choose for yourself. Only you. Abortion is too easy to rush into. I wish I had someone at the clinic really take the time to see that the abortion was what I wanted.

There are many of us. I had mine four years ago. Since then, I have had two other children (I'm married) and it doesn't hurt as much, but sometimes it comes back all of a sudden - I feel like a terrible person. But remember that all of us are human and there were so many pressures on us and so much confusion. I was in a better place than most of you and could have stuck it out, but I went along with my husband's pressure to abort. There is a wonderful place for support, passboards.org. I hope it helps you all heal or at least talk about it. I was a pretty good person up to I had the procedure, and now I always feel like I did something wrong - but I also know that I have a lot of love to give, and will spread it for the rest of my life. For those of you who want children in the future, there are so many ways to have them someday, even single, even in your late 40s, so take heart.

I know RXACTLY how I feel

i narrowly escaped the forever regret. I absteined from pre-marital affair for 33 years, living a righteous live and very prayerful. My friends were getting married and i became a mockery. Men who promised me disappointed me without mercy, i became fed up and because i was till naive a deceiver came my way and i fell for him, immediately i became pregnant. I became ashamed of myself because of the righteous life i had lived before. The father of my baby was ready to marry me any way because he saw how innocent i was and how long i had reversed myself but family pressure here and there threatened me for an abortion but i refused. After overcoming this i had my pretty baby girl but she had a hole in the heart. I did all i could to help her medically. I spent my last penny on her despite all accusations here and there i cried all the time so that God will have mercy and heal my baby but to no avail, finally i lost my baby after 5 months. Everybody accused me, except the father of the baby who was sober. My family and friends wished i aborted the baby to save my head from the stress and mess but i still had peace that i didn't have an abortion. After the death of my baby, i decided to leave the father of my baby to start up a newlife. Life became horrible for me, friends were mocking me and my family looked down on me, so i reported my matter to pastors but no help so I had to go back to my former man (father of my first baby) to stay for some months till i can save money to start up my life elsewhere in order to be off from the shame. I successfully saved the money and gave a pastor who was willing to help me get an apartment far from my man and to be out of the mess. He saw my tears and decided to offer me a help. To my greatest surprise he spent my money and left me stranded, this kept me longer in my man’s house and i got pregnant again. Wow! This time around the first thought that came to me was abortion. I met a pharmacist that could help, he directed me to a doctor who is good at abortion, the irony of this whole thing is that each time i want to take the step, there is this still small voice that tells me to keep the baby that the baby will not bring sorrow to me again that i should not fear because of the previous experience but fear and worries took over, i became mad at the pastor i gave my money to and quarrelled with him he set me up and i was beating mercilessly by another pastor, knowing fully well that i was pregnant. Few days after the beating, i started bleeding profusely. I went for a scan immediately and the radiologist asked my to evacuate my 10 weeks old baby because it was dead and only particles were left. I cried bitterly for the loss of another baby by satanic beings. I had no money to evacuate my baby so i had to wait for a week. Meanwhile, the father of the baby was very concern and helpful, when i was about to evacuate i told the doctor my story and he asked me to go for another scan and lo and behold! My baby was still alive but very close to the mouth of the womb, that is about to be flushed out of the womb. i was given a lot of precautions to avoid premature delivery. i must tell you that that pregnancy period was hell. i finally got an apartment of my own very far from people that know me but was alone for the remaining 6 months but the father of the child comes time to time to see me. At times under tension because of premature labour but i endured it and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy to the glory of God. Yet i still had bad adivses from evil people who said i would have aborted the baby to save my self of the stress and shame but it’s worth while to keep a soul and loss my integrity with people. It was actually a narrow escape!

This post is old, but its real. Its so real.

I had an abortion at almost 18 weeks, it was illegal because at the time I was 13 ( don't judge me I was ***** ) and got it without my parents consent ( didn't want them to find out) because I knew the right people. Before then I didn't think anything about an abortion...it didn't really seem wrong, but now I realize I couldn't have been more wrong. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Four years later I'm still yearning for my baby.


When you say even though you are forgiven, but you still feel that bond I completely understood what you meant. I think it has to do with if you wanted the baby or not as to how the abortion effects you. I wanted mine but for obvious reasons I couldn't have it, and you wanted yours but decided it was better not to raise it alone.

Have you had children since you wrote this?? If so did it help you to feel less aching for the one you gave up or did it make it worse??

I had my first abortion 3 weeks ago today, I was also 18 weeks, I was just wondering has anyone found any counselling support etc? My clinic was over an hour away and the only counselling they could offer me was there, I'm in a pretty bad place so could do with any sites or something that may help or support me?

Thank you bushwah, I've just posted my own story and will have a look at the more recent stories, thank you very much for your help x

Hi I had an abortion at 8 weeks, I pleaded with my boyfriend at the time go didn't want to know, he said to me I would live in a 1 bedroom flat with my baby and he would only see me once a week. I was 21 at the time he said if I was abit older he would have dragged me out of the hospital to stop me. He had been married and wanted children which I couldn't understand. We separated a week after I had the abortion and wouldn't speak to me and I was beside myself. I let myself go. I was going home with another man and I saw him I begged for him to take me back and he wouldn't I went home with this man but couldn't go through with it. I had to go to a friends house about 3Am I was so sorry I have my baby up even to this day. He is now married to my ex-best friend and they have a baby girl. I went in2 depression 2 I thought of who he/she would look like, colour eyes, sex I still think of the baby now and it's 5 years on. I cry myself to sleep some nights I don't tell anybody. I feel sometimes I want to find a man and get pregnant on purpose just to try and have a baby just to try and replace my own. Iv been betrayed hurt and now I'm all alone with no baby to love xx

How do you feel now.... I had an abortion at 14weeks and I feel like the pain will never pass.... I desperately want to have another baby and part of me feels as though that will ease the pain of the abortion. I don't care if my partner leaves or stays at this point I just want peace of mind and my child. I know having another wont replace the one I knowingly gave up but I hope it helps.

I went threw the same thing a couple months ago im 14 and im just not myself since. I dont have my babyboy i miss him so much ill anything to have him back :'( rest in the sweetest place my little angel mommy will always love you.for anybody who went threw this i really feel for its not easy overcoming this im crying so much i cant type anymore..

I have always been against abortion, when I was 15 I got pregnant and even though I knew my dad would hate me for embarrassing him by being pregnant at such a young age and I didn't love the babies father, I kept her. Today she is a beautiful 4 year old. Well in June of this year I found out I was pregnant again, my boyfriend didn't want the baby and emotionally beat me into having an abortion. I hate myself now for doing it. I know I could do it on my own. I raised my first child when I was only 15 but I was weak and let someone bully me into something I am morally against. I feel for you more then if it had been a miscarriage, those are devistating and I can't even imagine the pain but we made a choice and it's on our hands. There's no pain or guilt more painful then that.

I had an abortion 4 weeks ago and my life feels so worthless now :( I didn't keep her because I was afraid of the judgement I would get from my family . My finance was behind whatever decision I wanted to make. I have never hurt this much in my life and I am pro life now. Everytime I see a baby or a pregnant woman my heart breaks even more

\" Everytime I see a baby or a pregnant woman my heart breaks even more.\" - same here it\'s devastating I beat myself up all over again, and I know that I was the one meant to be a mother.

hi, i had an abortion 5weeks and im exactly the same. my boyfriend didnt want a baby either after actually planning to have a baby together, sorting out names .. everything. when we broke up, i finally decided to have an abortion .. i was 20weeks gone. i still regret having an abortion and i cry everyday wishing i didnt do it. a couple of days ago, i had a meeting with a counseller and she said the best way to heal yourself is to name your baby but also i found this poem which might help. even though your baby is not here, he/she is up in heaven, and no matter you're still a mother:
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Beautiful poem.....thank you for posting

I have just read your post, and although i know it is an old post, i hope someone out there will read it and right back. I had an abortion 3 weeks ago, i was 8 weeks, i found out at 3 weeks but we were going to keep him/her, then we weren't etc. So it then became quite a late abortion. I felt relief in the first few days, perhaps selfish relief or sickness and bloating. Now all i feel is regret, i feel like i have no purpose in life now. I am at uni, studying musical theatre, which i used to love. I have no been in 3 weeks as i can't seem to find the motivation to even get out of bed, and if i manage to get out of bed then i really cant get out of my pj's. I have no idea what to do, i miss my baby. I had an incling it was a boy and since then i felt like i bonded with him, and wanted him. I though an abortion was best for me and my partner and most of all the baby, as we dont have an awful amount of money. But i now know that we could have coped. There is nothing i can do, i want a baby and i want to be pregnant. But i dont want to just get pregnant again, i want my baby back! :( I am in pieces, please can someone give me some advice? x

I have read what you have said and I feel so much the same as yourself!! I had my abortion only two weeks past and already I feel empty, apart of me had died along with my baby, I can barely respect myself never mind ask for respect from others!!

I have not yet forgive myself and don't think I ever will so there fore can not ask for forgiveness!!

Pain is not a headache or toothache it's the grieving process gone through when you loose someone close and no one could be closer that the child living in you!!

I am sorry for you loss and the pain you feel but please remember you are not a lone there is many of us out there all feeling as low as you my love!!

Take care

I had an abortion 2 days ago! I was 9 weeks! All along my partner didn't want it and told me he would leave if I had it. His mom pressured me to get rid. I have 3 children from prev marriage and he has 1 child from prev marriage. He didn't want anymore.
I wanted the baby, but with no choices I decided to let them win, I couldn't fight anymore.
I had the surgical, I said good bye to it sobbing, I woke up sobbing. Now it's gone, I'm empty and want my baby back so much.
I don't feel the same towards my partner.
They put a coil in me 2 and I want to pull it out, I don't want it there.
I'm in such a mess. Just regret what I did x x

I hope you are feeling a little healed! I understand excatly how you are feeling! If you ever need to chat I'm here x

I had an abortion at 11-12 weeks. I'm still not sure why I did, I guess I felt like my husband would not leave me? He didn't want more kids, mine are 12&8, and I've had major medical problems that would've required a lot of medical attention, and he wanted me to be healthy for our children now. But if it was meant to be, then why was I still pregnant at 12 weeks? And everything was going great. Strong heart beat, healthy as far as I knew. I wanted that baby for so long and I finally got it. But I was not my self when I walked into that room. I'd already walked out of one abortion clinic, and it took me 4 more weeks to decide. It was the worst experience of my life. Mine took longer then normal, I was awake the entire time just bawling, and it was terrible. I needed pitocin afterwards, I was in so much pain. It's been 4 weeks now, and I know I made the wrong decision. I feel it in my soul. I am a terrible person, and I feel like I killed my baby, and I will never forgive myself. I just wish my husband of 10 years knew me better to have let me go through with it knowing all along I wanted a baby. It's very very sad for me to think about, and my sister is pregnant, was due 4 days before me. I miss my baby, more then anyone knows, and my husband just tells me to get over it already, he doesn't even care. Just glad he doesn't have another damn kid..;(

Your story is like mine. I wish I never listened to them. I wish I was stronger for my baby, I gave in! Why did I do that? I'm angry with myself that I did this.
How can I put things right? I want to leave him and find someone who loves me and my children. And if I got pregnant would support me, not drop me off at an abortion clinic.
I am weak and stupid for letting people influence me to have an abortion.
I just want my baby back ;( x x my heart goes out to all of you knowing you all feel the same pain, these men are useless and should be ashamed of them selves x x x

I am reeling with regret as I went thru with my abortion just 5 days ago. I was 15 weeks. I truly made the biggest mistake in my life. I just wish when I was told I was 15 weeks along that I got up and walked out of the clinic. By this time I was already given an ativan and was just mute and passive. I could hear well but my mind was clouded. I just kept going along with each step they shuffled me onto. By the time I walked into the procedure room I was not me, I just wished I hadn't put those 2 pills under my tongue, hadn't gotten crampy, hadn't climbed up on the table and wished I found my voice thru the haze of drugs they gave me, and walked out of there with my baby still growing inside of me. I haven't stopped crying since. I have 2 children (8 & 5) and today my 8 year old brought tears to my eyes by saying he wished he had a brother. I wish I could tell him in a little bit you just might. I did what their father wanted, although I stopped talking to him at the end of July. I terminated my childs life because of other people --not me. I knew my family would be really upset if I decided to have my baby. I'm sitting here at my parents dining table wanting to tell my mom and let out my guilt to her even tho what I did 5 days ago is un-do-able. <br />
What's killing me the most is that I miss the daily vomitting, the inability to eat, the hardness in my belly, and today I was putting my bra on and fluid came out of my breasts---i started bawling that was supposed to come 25 weeks from now to feed my baby, and now its hitting me that I forever stopped that. <br />
My due date was Feb 16, 2013.<br />
I named my baby Jahsiah Xavier (as I thought in my heart that it was a boy).<br />
All I can say now is R.I.P my baby, please forgive me, I love you and really wish I could undue what I have done.

I miss my baby i.see so many other girls my age having babies n i wish i.didnt do it im only 17 n so is my boyfriend i.never wanted to do it everyone told me to.n if anyone asks me about abortions id say have your baby dont kill it it hurts too much after . Everyone of my friends.say id be a good mumn thats all i ever want to be and i need ny baby back i.hate this i.just want a cuddle n for someone to.listen to me

I had had an abortion about 12 years ago. I was with someone I didn't love and our relationship was a really complicated one. Like many of you, I felt no support from anyone, even my own boyfriend behaved like it just didn't matter. I felt so overwhelmed, alone and absolutely not ready I asked him for the money and went to make the appointment. I remember having a sort of short talk a week before the procedure and being asked if I'm sure I want to go through. Of course I said yes. Partly because I didn't see any other way and partly because I felt I had already taken so much of their time and attention - oh how stupid I was, I know. I remember also how tender I felt when tocuhing my stomach and thinking I should not eat sth wrong just in case sth changes and the baby will live through but harmed by my actions.. In a truly illogical manner, a week later I was in the clinic.. I didn't cry afterwards. I just felt very very sad to have lost the life in me but did not really feel devastated. 12 years on, almost 40, still in the same relationship, and still with no children of my own, this time I'm about to attend the FERTILITY! clinic though I feel I may have started with the menopause already. I'm so desperate I'm ready to be a mother to a child of the same man I had teh abortion with. I've been depressed for the last 10 years or so but recently the realization of how many wrong decisions have I made makes me almost unable to move. Thinking back to then, I can only wish internet was as available as it is today and that I would have found posts like those here early enough. I used to support the idea of choosing abortion in place of coping with unwanted pregnancy but now I think the decision is just too awfully irreversible.

Hi ladies I am still so sad. Am not pregnant and don't know if I could be again. I don't want another baby I want the one I stupidly aborted. I am so torn with guilt today. Feel like such a bloody fool. I would be nearly 19 weeks if I hadn't chosen that path, but I did and I'll need to live with that. I am so lucky I have four great kids. who I feel like I really don't deserve. I'll keep praying this pain will go and eventually I'll heal. Stay strong ladies. Life isn't easy but just wish it wasn't so hard.

I had an abortion exactly one year ago, August 13, 2011 to be exact. That day a part of me died and I thought I was the only one who felt that way. No one in my immediate family or close friends knoww the pain that I've gone through since that day and reading your story made me realize that I'm not alone. I believe that our unborn children are angels in heaven.

I can relate to all your stories an have so much empathy for all of you. I aborted my fifth child 8 weeks and three days ago. I was clinically depressed at the time. I am a Christian and was at the time of the termination . I miss my child so much and had I been well I know I would never have went down that path. I know Gods understands this and have prayed daily to get my child back. I think he could do this if he chooses.I hate myself and look at my other 4 kids and wonder how in the world I could possibly have done such a thing. I feel I owe it to my child to get pregnant and at least give him a chance of life. Maybe that is just stupid??? God Bless you all we too are victims in this though maybe not as much so as our unborn angels.

I aborted what would be my 4th child 14 weeks ago I should be round and glowing full of love instead I am empty and sad and alone in my grief my husband didnt want the child it was a night of forgetting oursleves. I get hyperemisis severly and we were moving countries, I had been hospitalised twice already for the sickness and we simpky ran out of time. I tricked myself into thinking all I cared about was being better again. Now I think back I had a mesley 4 weeks to go and the sickness would have left. How did I get so caught up in the sickness that I didnt see what I was dong to myself. My hubby listens to my whinging but doesnt understand hes never felt what its like to have a baby inside you twisting and kicking, he doesnt get how you share yourself with that baby for ever not just while they're inside you. Will I ever get over this. I now want another baby I want to give my baby a chance to live and smile and laugh and be held and loved, but I have this wall this awful sickness that is making it impossable for me to make myself whole again. Sorry about the bad typing I'm struggling to see through tears

The comments here break my heart. No one has the right to tell you can't grieve or that you should "just get over it" or that your experience somehow doesn't matter because other women say their abortions don't affect them. You have every right to grieve and remember the child lost to you. I would like to recommend if I may Rachel's Vineyard. They help with healing after abortion and I know they have helped friends of mine who had abortions.

After googling i can accross this wish id had seen this 4weeks ago :( i was 14 weeks and regret it so much i feel so alone and lost and like i failed my other child i kept her but killed this one like it was second best like i didnt care :/ i wish i could go back i was raped so i felt was only fair the baby didnt have a monster as a dad but it turned out to have a killer of a mum ,ladies please think long and hard ITS YOUR CHOICE !!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had a abortion 11 yrs ago and til this day it kills me. I wish someone (anyone!!!!) could have told me not to. The only people ( my family) I didn't tell because I was to scared to tell them ,would have told me not to. Everyone else told me I was too young and to do it. I'm now 28 with aggressive Endomitriosis and I may never have children. I pray I will...... Just be strong, we all may mistakes, even big ones. I'm ashamed of what i did and I don't tell to many people but i would be interested in some group counseling. I never knew they had that. I have just been dealing with this on my own all these years. I'm glad I just found out. I have been in a depression all this time. I know I'm going on and on but this is the first time I'm really voicing anything about it. Its hard and I can't understand how people don't care after their abortion. As soon as I woke up after the procedure I started to cry. I tryed to say stop before they knocked me out, but it was too late.. I went under. I just hope God forgives me and gives me another chance.. Enough about me.... Be strong.... and if someone starts to tell u that they are about to have one just tell them ur story even if they don't want to hear it. That will be my way talking about it..

I had an abortion on Thursday 3 may 2012. I woke up after the abortion and I was fine and for few days i was so relieved. All the pain, heartburn, nausea everything was gone. But now i cant stop thinking about the child i cant look at my fiancé because it just reminds me of my child. I cringe at his touch. No one forced me for the abortion it was my own choice. My finacé even asked me if I want to keep it. But to be honest that wasnt possible. Sex before marriage is a BIG NO in my community. Even if we would have gotten married I was already 6 weeks in when I found out. And having this child would have disgraced our families. But even with all tht rationalization i cant stop thinking about the baby. And i cant stand being touhed by my fiancé and i feel like i am a horrible person. I just want to be drunk all the time so i dont think about it. I wish i could just go back in time and make the right choice. About sex before marriage and tht baby. I wish i could fix everything but i cant!!!!!

I had a abortion on august 3rd 2011. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I dont know what to do, im still with my boyfriend who i was pregnant with, but everytime i see him it reminds me of our lil baby. I dont talk to him about it because i dont want to upset him, but its killing me. He keeps talking about how he wants a lil girl but i think to myself if you didnt want me to keep our baby the first time, why would you want another kid now. Im scared of upsetting him, but i cant take it no more. I cant go near him unless im drunk, that surely isnt right. I cant even look straight at him even now, and its been 8 months. Everytime i look at my boyfriends picture i imagine how our lil baby wouldve looked like. I seriously dont know what to do, any advice anyone?

I'm sorry for all your losses, and the pain you all had to go through. I truly empathize with you all and even though i have never been through anything like this in my life, i can understand how you feel. I have an two aunts (mom's sisters) and both of them have had abortions prior to them being married. Today, they're both happily married and one of them yearns for a child but has never been able to have one and the other has a beautiful young boy (18 years old). Always remember, the only thing you really need is to be a mother. And you do not need to be pregnant to be one. You will have a child, whether adopted or your own, when you are ready to be a mother. And I have no doubt in my mind that each and everyone of you will love their child a lot. My aunt that has never been able to have a baby really wanted to adopt one but her husband was against it. They are happy together but I always wonder if she regrets the abortion she had. I have never spoken to my aunt about this and my mom is the one who told me about their stories and educated me about how I need to be careful in life and not make any decisions i would regret. I am blessed with a wonderful, caring mother, thanks to god almighty and I really pray and hope that the ones that feel sorry will soon feel like they have been forgiven. One thing you should remember always, is that it could have been worse. Things could have been worse, so wherever you stand right now, is the best possible thing that could have happened to you. When you hurt yourself because you are being too hard on yourself, you are making yourself weaker and you won't be able to face life the way you used to.. n this lowers your chances of being a happy, strong and confident woman that you could be someday .. for your future child and baby. I will give you some stories of women that suffer from diseases that cannot get preggo even though they want to. If any one of you have ever heard of endometriosis ( I have a brother who is a doctor and I learn a lot from him ) Women with Endo, work so hard to try to get preggo but they can't. N I have been told stories about women whose doctors told them upright, to lose all hope and to adopt a child.. once a doctor told an endo suffering woman = You have to be your own advocate when it comes to fertility, even when the whole world tells you its impossible.. if its something you want, you have to fight for it. N the woman got pregnant after 7 months of being in a relationship with no medication what so ever. Someday, you will have what you want.. for now you should focus on what you need.. which is finding your own stability and happiness in life .. and getting over your tragedies. Bless you all.

After reading through by the sounds of it you all did sonething you did not want to do, i found out i was pregnant back in september, wasnt planned but as most of you, i fell in love with my baby, the father told me to get an abortion in which i refused, i have never agreed with abortion and now i think it should be banned....if you decide you dont want the baby when its born there are plenty of people who want a baby that cant have one....the reason for my post is friday 16th march 2012 i went in to premature labour, with only 16 weeks and 2 days remaining i had my beautiful little boy and he sadly passed away after 2 b a half hours of life...all i am doing now is asking why?! I loved that little boy more than life itself and i keep praying for a miracle to bring him back to life....i am just so thankful i didnt do as his father said and got the abortion....my baby boy was beautiful and it really was love at first sight....abortions should be band all together....u may think u dont want the baby but until you meet them its an unknown feeling!

I had an abortion a year ago that i was pressured into by my family my boyfriend and his family i was the only person who wanted to keep the baby my dad had just died a few weeks prior to the abortion so my head was all over the place and i was looking for comfort in people that i thought were old and mature enough to know about life experience. i have regretted it everyday since at least crying once a day i split with my boyfriend because he just reminded me of what i had done to my unborn baby who was innocent in all this. i to this day feel empty with emotion the only feeling i have is the NEED to get pregnant i know this will not solve my guilt or make the shame of what i did go away but i feel to have a baby would be the only way i can move on with my life.

I feel the same, even though I know getting pregnant again won't replace the baby I lost. I am planning on getting my implanon out, getting private health insurance then trying to fall pregnant again, even though my first was unexpected and unplanned...

I too understand how everyone else feels, I never wanted to lose my baby. . .it was my heart and i am disgusted with myself for letting myself be pressured into going through with it.<br />
<br />
I was a emotinal wreck the entire time, they had too pick me up off the floor after i had the scan as i collapsed and then had to be taken into a side room as i started having a panic attack. The day I lost my baby i never stopped crying, I was in a room full of other women who dident seem to care a less what they where about to do, they even had the nerve to say to another. . ."god is she crying again" they wheeled me down to put me to sleep and the entire time i cryed and i had my hand on my stomach, begged for forgivness and how sorry i was. When I woke up in recovery I stated screaming at the nurse "wheres my baby" i was in such a state they had to give me pure oxygen to calm me down, when i got back to the ward i broke down completely. . .I was truely broken. . .Iv never exerienced that feeling of total emptyness, regret and at that time all i wanted to do was be with my baby. when i went to the toilet and seen the blood i collapsed and started vomiting. <br />
<br />
It has now been two of the most horrific months of my life, I suffer from mental health problems anyway but i have been on the verge of being sectioned as I dont want to live with myself knowing what I did. I loved that baby from the moment i knew it was inside of me, yet I was backed into a corner by everyone else around me. I will never forgive myself for what i did.

I want my baby back as well. I cant forgive myself and it still hurts really bad after 5 months! I am crying constantly. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS what it would be like now if I kept it. I would be happy, now I'm miserable. I hope we can all get through this!

Hi Losthopein2011<br />
<br />
I feel the same way i keep thinking of what my baby would of looked like and sounded like, but il never get that chance. I have read everyone's comments and see similarities it seems so sad that many of us were made to feel we had no choice, we were at a very vulnerable time and whatever people said maybe felt like more sense. I will never forgive myself for forgetting how i truly felt i deep down knew i wanted the baby. i had no support and just got negativity from my family and no support from the father (he didnt want it). Even though i wasnt in a relationship with him i felt we we’re getting closer, maybe just an illusion. I resent him because i had to go through such a long time of deciding whether to have or not have my baby, i kept saying no i dont need him its his loss, but felt i couldn’t do this by myself without my family. <br />
<br />
I havent really ever had a good relationship with my mum but i thought this would of changed everything but unfortunately it didnt she wouldnt tell me whether she would of helped me or not and now after i had the procedure she now tells me she would of babysat and took the baby at the wkends i couldnt believe it thats what i needed from her before.<br />
<br />
I resent her for this, during my pregnancy she made my life a misery she even hit me and wanted me out of the house she fought with me because after weeks of begging for support from my mum and dad i was made to feel i couldnt speak to them she just didn’t want to know, i felt like a burden and it really hurt she made me feel unwanted and my baby was unwanted. Now i say to myself all my baby needed was me its mother i wanted it and would of loved it soooo much. I wish i wasnt so scared of the unknown but hindsight is just a wonderful thing  i now realise i shouldnt of been scared of MY child. I try and stay sane by saying now il never be scared to do what i want and will never listen to others if i want something il have it and do the best i can. <br />
<br />
When i have children and i hope i can as im worried about the pain i feel in my side, my doctor says im okay but i just cant help worrying. I still need to get a check up and hope that im okay. When i do have kids i hope that im in a better place, better job, a house of my own and security and really dont have to rely on anyone. Also this sounds bad but when i leave the house and start my new life my mum will be dead to me and she will never see my future children, my dad will know il always love him and know he'll always understand and help me, he'll know my children and will be a great grandfather. I hope she knows what she done was the worst thing she could ever of done to me, i did tell her i wanted the baby and felt happy about that but she said when i had u’s i wished my life away . i couldn’t believe what she was saying or why she made me feel it was wrong what i had said. Then i said i felt it was a boy and it would be her first grandson but she just grunted and walked away.<br />
<br />
I felt so confused and very lonely but at times i kept saying ill be okay ill have to manage with MY baby but i started getting depressed and withdrawn. In the end i feel like i gave up on me and my baby I didnt believe in me and felt nobody else did. i HATE myself for listening to all the negative things that surrounded me at the time i should of realised i could of made it better. i cant stop thinking i would of managed and the baby would of made me a better person, even enhanced my life. Now ive never felt so lonely in all my life.<br />
<br />
Even though it happened not even 2 weeks ago my mum isnt even letting me grieve she doesnt want to hear me or be there for me, and does not allow my dad to talk to me isn’t that a joke, i dont know why i expect anything less from her. I have so much going on in my head at the moment and its hard trying to deal with them all and having not even your family to help, it was my birthday 2 days ago and not a word was said to me, it certainly wouldnt of been a happy birthday but them not even acknowledging it hurt. I feel forced to shorten my grieving process because of everything happening around me, my mum has given me a short while to leave the house and i cant even think of that at the moment. <br />
<br />
So many thoughts, ive been made to think ive no time or chance to grieve but i know i need to and have been trying. I have thought of emigrating to another country maybe abit dramatic but i feel this has changed my life forever i cant go back to what i did or go back to things that would make me remember, i dont feel like me anymore. I realised how special it was being pregnant now i dont feel special, i miss my baby being inside me, i couldnt even touch my tummy because i knew my baby was there, i should of embraced what was happening to me instead i was made to think it was wrong. I had went onto websites to try and hear different stories when i was pregnant, recently i have searched and found this site and others and wish i had seen them before my procedure feel they would of changed my mind, i don’t think i would of realised the consequences of what i done or really how i would feel. It kills me inside.<br />
<br />
Ive had to go to strangers to get comfort and understanding, after the procedure i broke down and felt that what i done i couldnt carry on with my life so am on medication and now i feel numb. I kept thinking of just getting pregnant again to have my lost babies brother or sister so i could get as close to having that baby as possible, maybe bring a part of that baby back sounds ridiculous but thats what i thought was a possibility but in reality its not really. Theres so many things i regret, so many what if's and shoulda done's one is that i should of seen my baby in a scan if i had i knew things would of been different to this day. It would of been made it real for me and i would of fell in love with my child, its all i ever wanted was for something to love and to be loved back and il hate myself for the rest of my life for not accepting that i fell pregnant i should of been a grown up and dealt with it, instead of being a little scared child.<br />
<br />
Nothing will bring back my baby, i just hope il get the chance to have a child to love twice as much and be the mother i knew i could of been to my little angel that should of lived, i so miss him (felt like a boy).

Hi Losthopein2011<br />
<br />
I feel the same way i keep thinking of what my baby would of looked like and sounded like, but il never get that chance. I have read everyone's comments and see similarities it seems so sad that many of us were made to feel we had no choice, we were at a very vulnerable time and whatever people said maybe felt like more sense. I will never forgive myself for forgetting how i truly felt i deep down knew i wanted the baby. i had no support and just got negativity from my family and no support from the father (he didnt want it). Even though i wasnt in a relationship with him i felt we we’re getting closer, maybe just an illusion. I resent him because i had to go through such a long time of deciding whether to have or not have my baby, i kept saying no i dont need him its his loss, but felt i couldn’t do this by myself without my family. <br />
<br />
I havent really ever had a good relationship with my mum but i thought this would of changed everything but unfortunately it didnt she wouldnt tell me whether she would of helped me or not and now after i had the procedure she now tells me she would of babysat and took the baby at the wkends i couldnt believe it thats what i needed from her before.<br />
<br />
I resent her for this, during my pregnancy she made my life a misery she even hit me and wanted me out of the house she fought with me because after weeks of begging for support from my mum and dad i was made to feel i couldnt speak to them she just didn’t want to know, i felt like a burden and it really hurt she made me feel unwanted and my baby was unwanted. Now i say to myself all my baby needed was me its mother i wanted it and would of loved it soooo much. I wish i wasnt so scared of the unknown but hindsight is just a wonderful thing  i now realise i shouldnt of been scared of MY child. I try and stay sane by saying now il never be scared to do what i want and will never listen to others if i want something il have it and do the best i can. <br />
<br />
When i have children and i hope i can as im worried about the pain i feel in my side, my doctor says im okay but i just cant help worrying. I still need to get a check up and hope that im okay. When i do have kids i hope that im in a better place, better job, a house of my own and security and really dont have to rely on anyone. Also this sounds bad but when i leave the house and start my new life my mum will be dead to me and she will never see my future children, my dad will know il always love him and know he'll always understand and help me, he'll know my children and will be a great grandfather. I hope she knows what she done was the worst thing she could ever of done to me, i did tell her i wanted the baby and felt happy about that but she said when i had u’s i wished my life away . i couldn’t believe what she was saying or why she made me feel it was wrong what i had said. Then i said i felt it was a boy and it would be her first grandson but she just grunted and walked away.<br />
<br />
I felt so confused and very lonely but at times i kept saying ill be okay ill have to manage with MY baby but i started getting depressed and withdrawn. In the end i feel like i gave up on me and my baby I didnt believe in me and felt nobody else did. i HATE myself for listening to all the negative things that surrounded me at the time i should of realised i could of made it better. i cant stop thinking i would of managed and the baby would of made me a better person, even enhanced my life. Now ive never felt so lonely in all my life.<br />
<br />
Even though it happened not even 2 weeks ago my mum isnt even letting me grieve she doesnt want to hear me or be there for me, and does not allow my dad to talk to me isn’t that a joke, i dont know why i expect anything less from her. I have so much going on in my head at the moment and its hard trying to deal with them all and having not even your family to help, it was my birthday 2 days ago and not a word was said to me, it certainly wouldnt of been a happy birthday but them not even acknowledging it hurt. I feel forced to shorten my grieving process because of everything happening around me, my mum has given me a short while to leave the house and i cant even think of that at the moment. <br />
<br />
So many thoughts, ive been made to think ive no time or chance to grieve but i know i need to and have been trying. I have thought of emigrating to another country maybe abit dramatic but i feel this has changed my life forever i cant go back to what i did or go back to things that would make me remember, i dont feel like me anymore. I realised how special it was being pregnant now i dont feel special, i miss my baby being inside me, i couldnt even touch my tummy because i knew my baby was there, i should of embraced what was happening to me instead i was made to think it was wrong. I had went onto websites to try and hear different stories when i was pregnant, recently i have searched and found this site and others and wish i had seen them before my procedure feel they would of changed my mind, i don’t think i would of realised the consequences of what i done or really how i would feel. It kills me inside.<br />
<br />
Ive had to go to strangers to get comfort and understanding, after the procedure i broke down and felt that what i done i couldnt carry on with my life so am on medication and now i feel numb. I kept thinking of just getting pregnant again to have my lost babies brother or sister so i could get as close to having that baby as possible, maybe bring a part of that baby back sounds ridiculous but thats what i thought was a possibility but in reality its not really. Theres so many things i regret, so many what if's and shoulda done's one is that i should of seen my baby in a scan if i had i knew things would of been different to this day. It would of been made it real for me and i would of fell in love with my child, its all i ever wanted was for something to love and to be loved back and il hate myself for the rest of my life for not accepting that i fell pregnant i should of been a grown up and dealt with it, instead of being a little scared child.<br />
<br />
Nothing will bring back my baby, i just hope il get the chance to have a child to love twice as much and be the mother i knew i could of been to my little angel that should of lived, i so miss him (felt like a boy).

Hi Losthopein2011<br />
<br />
I feel the same way i keep thinking of what my baby would of looked like and sounded like, but il never get that chance. I have read everyone's comments and see similarities it seems so sad that many of us were made to feel we had no choice, we were at a very vulnerable time and whatever people said maybe felt like more sense. I will never forgive myself for forgetting how i truly felt i deep down knew i wanted the baby. i had no support and just got negativity from my family and no support from the father (he didnt want it). Even though i wasnt in a relationship with him i felt we we’re getting closer, maybe just an illusion. I resent him because i had to go through such a long time of deciding whether to have or not have my baby, i kept saying no i dont need him its his loss, but felt i couldn’t do this by myself without my family. <br />
<br />
I havent really ever had a good relationship with my mum but i thought this would of changed everything but unfortunately it didnt she wouldnt tell me whether she would of helped me or not and now after i had the procedure she now tells me she would of babysat and took the baby at the wkends i couldnt believe it thats what i needed from her before.<br />
<br />
I resent her for this, during my pregnancy she made my life a misery she even hit me and wanted me out of the house she fought with me because after weeks of begging for support from my mum and dad i was made to feel i couldnt speak to them she just didn’t want to know, i felt like a burden and it really hurt she made me feel unwanted and my baby was unwanted. Now i say to myself all my baby needed was me its mother i wanted it and would of loved it soooo much. I wish i wasnt so scared of the unknown but hindsight is just a wonderful thing  i now realise i shouldnt of been scared of MY child. I try and stay sane by saying now il never be scared to do what i want and will never listen to others if i want something il have it and do the best i can. <br />
<br />
When i have children and i hope i can as im worried about the pain i feel in my side, my doctor says im okay but i just cant help worrying. I still need to get a check up and hope that im okay. When i do have kids i hope that im in a better place, better job, a house of my own and security and really dont have to rely on anyone. Also this sounds bad but when i leave the house and start my new life my mum will be dead to me and she will never see my future children, my dad will know il always love him and know he'll always understand and help me, he'll know my children and will be a great grandfather. I hope she knows what she done was the worst thing she could ever of done to me, i did tell her i wanted the baby and felt happy about that but she said when i had u’s i wished my life away . i couldn’t believe what she was saying or why she made me feel it was wrong what i had said. Then i said i felt it was a boy and it would be her first grandson but she just grunted and walked away.<br />
<br />
I felt so confused and very lonely but at times i kept saying ill be okay ill have to manage with MY baby but i started getting depressed and withdrawn. In the end i feel like i gave up on me and my baby I didnt believe in me and felt nobody else did. i HATE myself for listening to all the negative things that surrounded me at the time i should of realised i could of made it better. i cant stop thinking i would of managed and the baby would of made me a better person, even enhanced my life. Now ive never felt so lonely in all my life.<br />
<br />
Even though it happened not even 2 weeks ago my mum isnt even letting me grieve she doesnt want to hear me or be there for me, and does not allow my dad to talk to me isn’t that a joke, i dont know why i expect anything less from her. I have so much going on in my head at the moment and its hard trying to deal with them all and having not even your family to help, it was my birthday 2 days ago and not a word was said to me, it certainly wouldnt of been a happy birthday but them not even acknowledging it hurt. I feel forced to shorten my grieving process because of everything happening around me, my mum has given me a short while to leave the house and i cant even think of that at the moment. <br />
<br />
So many thoughts, ive been made to think ive no time or chance to grieve but i know i need to and have been trying. I have thought of emigrating to another country maybe abit dramatic but i feel this has changed my life forever i cant go back to what i did or go back to things that would make me remember, i dont feel like me anymore. I realised how special it was being pregnant now i dont feel special, i miss my baby being inside me, i couldnt even touch my tummy because i knew my baby was there, i should of embraced what was happening to me instead i was made to think it was wrong. I had went onto websites to try and hear different stories when i was pregnant, recently i have searched and found this site and others and wish i had seen them before my procedure feel they would of changed my mind, i don’t think i would of realised the consequences of what i done or really how i would feel. It kills me inside.<br />
<br />
Ive had to go to strangers to get comfort and understanding, after the procedure i broke down and felt that what i done i couldnt carry on with my life so am on medication and now i feel numb. I kept thinking of just getting pregnant again to have my lost babies brother or sister so i could get as close to having that baby as possible, maybe bring a part of that baby back sounds ridiculous but thats what i thought was a possibility but in reality its not really. Theres so many things i regret, so many what if's and shoulda done's one is that i should of seen my baby in a scan if i had i knew things would of been different to this day. It would of been made it real for me and i would of fell in love with my child, its all i ever wanted was for something to love and to be loved back and il hate myself for the rest of my life for not accepting that i fell pregnant i should of been a grown up and dealt with it, instead of being a little scared child.<br />
<br />
Nothing will bring back my baby, i just hope il get the chance to have a child to love twice as much and be the mother i knew i could of been to my little angel that should of lived, i so miss him (felt like a boy).

Wow, first off I am so sorry about your family not being there for you.

Reading your story made me feel as if I was reading my own, or writing to myself. I too, had no support from my family and regret my decision every single day. The way you feel about your mother is also the way I feel about mine. I thought to myself that I will never let my mum see my future kids too. I haven't talked to her over a month now.

I know that your post was a year ago, how are you coping now? Are you okay?

Right now I'm going through the same thing I miss my unborn baby but the father didn't want it and so I got the abortion which is about 5 days now and I cry every time I wake up and everytime I go to sleep and I'm with the father but he doesn't understand the lost I'm feeling and that I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done.

I know how you feel its very hard and im still struggling to cope with things. I got my procedure in the UK in May 2011 (I hate the word abortion, its feels so surreal because I never thought in my life I would have one) I dont know if this will help but i found out your allowed to write to the clinic and ask for your scan that you got done in the clinic, it is legally your property. I got mine sent to me not that long ago and it took me along time to look at it but when i did i was in shock because I never seen my baby before and it made it so real for me. It upset me also but Im glad i have it to look at when I need to.

Take care x

I was already a married mother of two children ages 3 and 1 when I found out I was pregnant. I had recently been told that the company I worked for was closing down and I was a few months from graduation. I found out I was pregnant and I remember crying so much it hurt . I have always been pro life and it killed me that I felt so hopeless. I ended up having a medication abortion and at first I was confused on how I felt. But now I know that killing my unborn child was not the route I should have chosen. It tears me up every anniversary of the baby's abortion date. I customized a picture of my husband and I and use it as a visual to what my baby could have looked like. It soothes the pain some seeing a picture but it hurts because this baby could have been real instead of just a picture. I let fear and circumstances back me into a corner and I never plan to do that again. I miss my baby and I wish (s)he was right here with me right now.

I went through the same thing you did. I had my abortion 8 years ago. I thought I was fine with what I did until I became pregnant 2 years ago. I fell into a deep depresion throughout my entire pregnancy and cried every day for my lost child. I recently read something about the soul of an aborted baby hovers around the mother until the next opportunity comes. That could very wel be total b.s. just like the idea of religion to me is total b.s., nevertheless whenever I look at my daughter, I smile. I still get upset ocassionally especially when I'm off the meds but what can you do. <br />
...And to all the people who talk all that pro choice crap, guess what?- everyone is an individual, myself and the woman who wrote this have the right to regret our decision and mourn. Stop telling us what we did is okay just b/c you would do and be fine the next day. EVeryone reacts differently and, on my part, it certainly has nothing to do with christianity. My reaction of sadness and regret was ba<x>sed on my human motherly instincts not religion.

Hey you are so not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I used to want a good lasting relationship before my abortion and now all I want is a baby. I look at the girls at my school and at my friends and family members that have kids or are expecting and it hurts so much. I had my fiances support but my parents forced me into it and I didn't have a choice. I've been in counseling for over two years and I'm still depressed. I wish I could turn back time and change everything, but I can't. I just have to suffer, find any ways I can to cope, and keep moving forward. When your abortion is unpleasent as some people's are its hard to forget and sometimes you don't but you can learn over time to cope with the pain because many others feel the same way. Reach out and talk to people let your voice be heard and grieve that's the most important thing is to let your self grieve the loss. Just keep looking forward, it's all you can do for now. *HUGS*

i am feeling the same thing that you are going through. i want my baby back also, and i think about him every day..... i felt pressured by the father and couldnt bare to go through this alone.... even though i would have gotten over it.... having an abortion is something i will never get over... i accept Gods forgiveness but i can not forgive myself.... what kind of mother does that to their child? I never believed in abortion and i am disgusted with myself that I let others influence me... but at the time my mind was all over the place and i clearly made the wrong decision. No i am not ready to be a mother right now, but i also wasnt ready to feel like this for the rest of my life either. My life would have been changed forever no matter what decision i made, but life is never a bad decision.

When I was 23 years old, in December of 1999, I too was pressured to have an abortion by my boyfriend of 2-yrs, I did not want to tell him I was pregnant when I first found out because ever since he knew I was a couple days late he was already saying negative things to me about it. When I found out I was pregnant, my plan was to not tell him I was pregnant until I was further along, at least another 2-months since I was already 6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. This way I would be far enough for him to just let me keep it. That same day I called my older sister to tell her I was pregnant, she asked me right away, "Does he know yet?" I told her "no, I want to wait at least 2 more months to tell him because I knew how negative he is." but no, she made me feel I was being wrongful not to tell him right away, she said I was not being realistic and that he had the right to know... she did not support my plan in waiting to tell him.. so I felt pressured to tell him, and once he knew he harassed me day and night, calling me 15-20 times a day repeatedly asking me to hurry up and schedule an abortion and he kept asking why was I taking so long and why was I waiting so long, he kept telling me I couldn't have the baby because I was still in college, and because we weren't married.... he called and called me making me feel guilty about it and made me feel that abortion was my only option, and I felt it was all up to me to fix his world. <br />
<br />
So, I scheduled it and my older sister took me, but she provided no advice, she did not tell me I had the option to choose to keep my baby, and never asked me if I wanted to do this, I did not want to do it. She never stood up for me or protected me... for years I have dealt with the regret, the hurt but this year especially I thought about it so much and kept asking myself why did it turn out that way, why didn't I stick with my plan? Then I remembered, my older sister was the one who pressured me to tell him when I wasn't ready to, she didn't even give me a day or two to think about things, she had me tell him the same day I found out... if she would had just supported me in my plan to wait in telling him, my baby would most likely be HERE with me today!! I am so upset at my sister for not guiding me in making the right choice for me, she never once said, "if you want your baby, have your baby." never.. she should have known better being a mother herself... and she was the one who took me to the clinic. I remember siting there in the chair with my gown on and thinking in my head, "Get up! get out of here! you don't want to do this!" but I couldn't move I sat there thinking about how upset he would be if I turned around and left, he would had made me come right back, then they called my name, I was the first one in... to this day I winder why? why was I the first one to be called in? If I would had been the 4th or 5th person, I would had thought so much about it i probably would had ran out... I almost feel the universe was pushing for this to happen???

I had an abortion two years ago in the uk, I was 8 weeks pregnant and when they gave me a scan she searched across my tummy so am sure it was twins. I went privately and took the medical procedure rather than the 'operation' side of things. I had always wanted children and when I found I was pregnant to my boyfriend of 3 months I was completely shocked, to be honest I did not know what to do. After much thought and talking to my boyfriend we deiced that I should have an abortion, I have to admit it was the post painful thing I have ever been through mentally and physically. I was in pain for days and afterwards I felt in complete disgust with what I did, although I knew in my head I was not ready for this/these babies but still felt horrid afterwards. It took met at least a year to get over what I did and to be honest I don't completely forgive myself, although I have gone from thinking about it every day to once a week/once every two weeks. I always think back to friends who have gone through the same thing some of them having two or three abortions and I can never remember them feeling or going through what I did, so I do have to say that everyone is different. My boyfriend and I have now been together nearly three years and are very happy, we are even trying for a baby now and I just hope that what I did will not effect our chances. To anyone having second thoughts, or thinking about doing what I did you have to think with your head and not your heart, when you are ready and it is the right time for you, you will know.

After you commented on my story i was compelled to read yours. My baby's due date is August 13th as well. I am 9 months pregnant on thursday and even though my husband and I arent getting along I know i have this little man inside of me i have to protect and love. I am so sorry you did not have the support from the father and that you had to end the pregnancy. But know the chances are very very small that you will not be able to conceive after an abortion. Next time you will hopefully have a lot of love and support all around you so you can be an amazing mother to your child. Keep your head up, find a good man and be very sure about him before moving things into a more serious place. god bless

may i say i am glad you included god in that equation. i am glad that you did ask god to forgive you. now you must forgive yourself. you have committed no worse a sin than any other sin, is the good news. because all sins are equal in the eyes of god. i hope this gives you some comfort along with what i say next. the baby still exists, it is in heaven. it has the best care givers in the arms of the angels. you will see your child someday as long as you committ to walk with god. your child already forgives you because there is nothing but forgiveness there.

I agree forgiving yourself is the hardest part. I look at others who are pregnant now and so wish I still was but I am not. I'll keep you in my prayers because only God can heal your broken heart and give you the oil of joy rather than ashes. You deserve to mourn your child but you do need forgive yourself. God is a God of choice. We chose to sin but yet we chose to acknowledge our sins and seek His forgiveness. I pray that you have peace in your heart. You are not alone because He is forever with you. I wish you many blessings and pray that you are blessed with a wonderful husband and you all have as many children as your heart desires.<br />
<br />
Be Blessed

I think you shouldve trusted your instincts adn kept the baby if you really wanted to although your boyfriend didnt.Although you now need to heal its not your fault as all you did was what you thought was the only option at the time every women does this then regrets it but in the long run it may be better?<br />
<br />
Although i am alot younger than you i too had an abortion and completely understand your greif , all i do is feel i want a baby and i miss my baby so much too.I am too scared of not being able to have children in the future ,but all you need to do is forgive yourself and im sure you will have a child who you can love and care for.You just need to forgive yourself ...i think it is good that you are now pro life as i am too now after having an abortion.<br />
<br />
please try and heal, you are not alone <br />
<br />
xxxx

i am sorry that you had an unpleasant experience. but you know, having an abortion doesn't increase your risk for breast cancer or any of these ridiculous claims that anti-choicers would want you to believe. i'm also of the opinion that many women's lives (including my OWN) have been saved by the right to choose. i did NOT murder my baby. i terminated an unwanted pregnancy. when coming out of anesthesia i felt the immediate relief that you felt when you had your wisdom teeth pulled and many women will agree with me.<br />
<br />
if you don't want to have another abortion, by all means do not. but making it illegal should NOT be an option.

I too aborted once. But i was too young at that time. I was only 13years old and more over i got pregnant from my uncle.

[HUGE HUGS] I understand - COMPLETELY. PLEASE - seek some professional help, to talk. NOT that this will help to convince you to think differently. To help you grieve. You can NOT undo the past - BUT - it is IMPERATIVE that you move forward and stop this blaming of yourself. It hurts - I know this - it hurts LIKE HELL!!!! And no - it is not like getting your wisdom teeth pulled. It's much more than that. <br />
Please look on the internet too - there are abortion support groups that can help you deal with some of these feelings. <br />
I have been where you have been - you want to blame someone, and until you get through this - your are going to continue to blame yourself. PLEASE - talk about this with other women. PLEASE.... I still hurt. I still think about it. but I am in a better place now. I hurt - and no - I have no shoulder to cry on, and I could beat myself up ever day ... but I refuse to do this, because I have a son who needs me. And if you do believe in God, then you should know, with the Grace of God - he forgives you. The hard part will be forgiving yourself. Please - talk about this - and seek some counselling to help deal with the hurt.

you will feel better in time. <br />
you will see that you did what you really had to do at that time in your life. <br />
you will see how other people influenced you, and gave you no choice in a way, its a scary thing to be pregnant and alone.<br />
you will realise that however bad you feel, you will just have to accept it has happened and no amount of guilt and shame can undo it. <br />
everything happens for a reason, and you'll eventually see why you went through this. <br />
<br />
take it easy on yourself.

This2willpass , <br />
i really feel sorry for you. i felt the things you feel and i say the same "I truly wish I did not have first hand knowledge of its devastation."<br />
you are right. and yes , the abortion "industry" makes a lot of money out of our misery. i wonder why the same amount of money are not spent on prevention or better advertising of prevention.

Your weren't ready to be a mother...but someday you will be. Too many kids end up in adoption agency's and never get a family. What you did was the best thing for you. Wait until you're truly ready...and are with someone who will be there for you and the baby. *hugs*