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I'm Taking the Group Back Whos With Me??

This is for those who have been affected by inconsiderate, untactful comments on this board that were disguised as "helpful" or concerned let alone the obviously hurtful comments based on political/religious beliefs. This is directed at stopping these kinds of passive aggressive "attacks" on our stories, our experiences. If you disagree with what I am saying that is fine, BUT I care about those who post in this group. I believe it should be geared to TRUE support not fake support.  I will give examples of these kinds of non-support statements so if you don't understand where I am getting this from, you can see what I mean. I am not here to offend anyone, but I do believe in this groups mission, to share and to support. It is NOT telling someone what they did was wrong, or what they should have done. It is NOT about telling someone how they should feel, and what they "will" feel.  If you are not that person you are basing your opinions on either a pre-conceived notion from your own experience, OR you are basing it on faulty information or just a plain old opinion.

So I'm here to take the group back.  I am standing up against these actions because they are wrong and are hateful in their own ways.

ONE: Original Poster: I say I feel fine. I am free of regrets. I know I made the right decision, and I know this is not something that negatively affected me in the least.

Passive aggressive commenter: S1: Well when you do feel regret, because I did much later.... or S2: well you will feel regret, and when you do, I hope you are strong enough to face the decision you made... or S3: "I am going to save you from yourself" comments. The ones where one feels the need to voice their opinions about how they felt their experience has affected them as fact. As a means to utilize a scare tactic to persuade others who may be thinking of making a choice to take a different route, or for those who have already decided to make them feel differently about their choice.

so S1  is assuming that just because they did, someone else will and by stating this they are not being very tactful or unbiased with their support aka NOT very helpful, rather it is offensive to many people when one tells them how they themselves will feel.  If you are not someone else, you do not know how they feel unless they tell you and you do NOT know how they will feel later. It is not set into stone. If they are free from regret right now, support them because it is obvious how strong they truly are to make a decision and make the one that is right for oneself, its hard to do what is right for yourself when one is opposed, and to do it and know you are OK about it is a GREAT thing. Telling them that they will feel horrible like S2 is highly offensive and judgmental and comments like this should not tolerated in this forum. It is also very condescending, leading to my point that comments like this are trying to tear the original poster down, not lift them up in support. Beware of these kinds of commenters, they are not thinking of support all they care about are their own opinions and throwing them around in a group that is vulnerable to things like this.  S3 like S1, is not unbiased and is very unhelpful. I feel like I had to add this one in there as well because some felt that this was ok to tell others that "this is a horrible thing that everyone regrets for the rest of their lives...." and that its "something that must be stopped at all costs".. These statements are not only false but they are not helpful in the least when offering support! Again, the best way to offer support is to remain unbiased, to remain objective and open to how they other person is feeling and be accepting of whatever comes. That is what a true friend would do. That is what one who wants to offer true support should do.

TWO: S1: This is murder, you killed your baby, you baby is wondering why you hate them so much blah blah blah "I think I'm clever or doing something good by doing this"...

It is obvious that these people are opinion pushers, we cannot do anything but ignore them here, because they come in and they leave.  Many do not  come back.  I urge those who have these comments posted on their stories or forum comments, to delete these kinds of comments as soon as you realize they are there.  We are all searching for support and running across this is highly offensive and we don't have to stand for it and take it lying down. Also this opinion pusher is not the smartest one of the bunch are they because they think that these kinds of comments are clever (like those happy little protesters many of us have seen) haha, if you are vulnerable to these kinds of comments and you take them to heart, because I do know we all feel differently about our choice in one way or another.  it is something we will get through, and we can get through it together by not letting these comments affect us! We are stronger then them! If one is telling you how horrible you are then is it really worth paying any mind to what they say after you realize that is what they are doing? NO! Don't take it! You are a great and strong woman who is facing or has faced a very tragic event in your life, one that many will never understand unless they have been there too.  Most of us have been there, we know how it feels, we are here for you and we express ourselves in ways that portray caring and support with nothing else mixed into it. Focus on this kind of help if you are in need, those terrible guilt pushing comments are nothing to pay attention to. Just hot air blown onto a computer screen.

THREE: I hope you are much less irresponsible now, and hope that you have learned from this.  If you thought about your decision prior you wouldn't of had to face this kind of thing.  Sleeping with someone without protection is the dumbest thing ever.  blah blah blah you know how these guys go on and on about what is the "right" choice, and what is "best" for you...

These people, at least most of them, I think, are experiencing something like "word vomit".. They talk and talk and talk without actually thinking about what they are saying and how they sound. To me this is very condescending and very belittling.  I give this one its own spot because well, it is its own kind of passive aggressive commenting. To those who have said things like this and are reading this may feel offended but THOSE COMMENTS ARE OFFENSIVE!!! I will not apologize for calling someone out because they are OK with belittling someone here for support or to share their own story.  If they didn't care about what kind of decision they made why would they post it here for others to see and speak about! I mean c'mon now, think before you post please. This whole story is about respecting one another, not belittling everyone we disagree with just because we think we know better...

FOUR: Original Poster: I am free of regrets, I know I made the right decision we were not ready to be parents, we hadn't been together long etc etc etc.

Commenter: While it is good you feel OK now, I hope you were not pushed into this by anyone? Are you still OK with your decision, because most do get pushed into it and later regret it. 

Now I gave this one its own spot because its a very passive aggressive comment that feigns support and interest because the poster "cares".  Well I don't fall for that. This poster is hopefully not thinking about what they are writing to the other person or didn't read carefully. If someone says "hey I made my decision I am FINE!" They mean, "hey I made my decision and I am fine." There are not any hidden messages in that statement. If they felt pushed into it WHY WOULDNT they say "hey, I think my bf pushed me into this decision." People just don't lie about how great they are just to say how great they are doing when they feel like they need support! That just doesn't happen. If you have made this kind of post and are reading this I hope you see the point of my putting this out there. Its not helpful at all to be like well you could have been pushed because most women are. ONE, not everyone is pushed and its incorrect to say most are when you don't post the source of that information or know for a 100 percent fact of how much "most" truly equals. I hope everyone asks for sources when one states something like this as fact. Again I have made this statement above if the O.P. says they are fine. They. are. fine. If they are experiencing some kind of pain, they will share it and you can support them in the right way by showing true support, by being real. If you get these kinds of comments don't let them get to you.  Fake support isn't always that obvious because people can be down right tricky and conniving. BUT I wanted to shed light to these kinds of actions and how to fend against them.

TWO cont./FIVE: THREATS, anything that is threatening or hateful in general. Ex: telling someone "I hope you choke" and you deserve to never conceive again blah blah blah... You guys know what I am getting at with this...

This could go with the "murder screaming" commenter, but I felt I had to add this one in on its own because its just plain ridiculous. I get the whole I disagree and I'm going to use my "protester" skills to share my beliefs on other women's stories here just like I would with a sign kind of method, they think its clever or persuasive or whatever. But the outright hateful ones that condemn and attack others, they are a breed of their own.  Telling someone to choke, die whatever, that they are horrible human beings, ew... this is sickening and should not be tolerated. I was personally threatened today and later on I felt it necessary to report once I saw that this same person was leaving multiple comments that were extremely hateful. If you find this kind, its always good to report and delete. I also copy and paste the comment in the report details so EP can see what kind of actions are being reported.

SIX: Original Poster: I am grieving my loss, I feel as if I regret my decision now and it is making me depressed.

Commenter: S1: You are the only one making yourself feel this way or You are the only reason you feel depressed and regretful or You are telling yourself to feel that way. S2: You are pathetic if you can't see that these feelings are only your fault and anyone enabling you to forgive yourself for doing something you shouldn't be regreting to begin with is only enabling your feeling grief. S3: You didn't lose anything at all so stop whining about it... etc etc etc. All of these things stated above can be said in a multiple of ways.

Now this commenter apparently forgot that everyone feels differently about their own experience or just doesn't care to acknowledge that fact due to their own strong opinions. Regardless, this way of commenting isn't being sensitive to the original posters feelings and beliefs.  The commenter may feel like this is support, but in truth it only causes offense when it is said in this way as well as being no help to anyone at all.  They are letting their personal biases on abortion leak into their comment/"support" as well as posting their comment in cold and insensitive ways.  They again, like some commenters above, fail to realize that unless one is that person (original poster), they know nothing about that person's beliefs nor do they understand how the experience effected the original poster. So if one feels that they are grieving a loss, who are we to tell them that they lost nothing and are only making themselves feel that way? It is wrong and extremely rude.  Which leads me to my next point, none of us want to be sad or regretful, so assuming that one is making themself feel this way is quite a illogical reach. If no one wants to be sad, why would they do everything in their power to make themselves sad? It makes no sense at all. What one believes, ties into how they feel about their experiences in life, especially when it comes to things like abortion. None of us can tell someone they are wrong in their belief and be supportive and by this commenter telling the original poster that they lost nothing, they are telling them that their belief in that is wrong. Therefore making their comment invalid and lacking greatly in support.

I just wanted to share some of the things we face on this board on a day to day basis. If you have others to share go for it. If you want to defend your actions, I really don't mind that either as long as you keep it respectful and civilized. I have stated my own opinion in a way that shows that I disagree, but I am not calling anyone names or anything of that sort, so I expect nothing less than for that kind of respect to be shown. If you come to this story and you post something outlandish and crude, I will most likely pay it no mind and it will be deleted. Meaning, it will be pointless for you will not get anywhere with your comment if you decide to behave in such kinds of ways.

 

Thank you for reading and lets take a stand and take our group back from these passive aggressive attacks! I support true support and I stand against the fake. So if you agree, stand with me!!! :)

take care everyone!!! 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Hae

 

 

 

 

hae hae 22-25, F 25 Responses Jun 28, 2009

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Looks like no one has posted here in a while but I'm going to give it a go anyways; I had a surgical abortion almost 4 weeks ago on Jan 10 I had unprotected sex on Feb 2 he did NOT ********* in me at all but I still took plan b however I am concerned as my period will be off due to the abortion I am not sure if I was ovulating or not what are my chances of actually being pregnant again?? I don't think my heart could handle another termination?

I wish more women would take control and protect themselves . when you continue to have unprotected intercourse , pregnancy is bound to happen. So to save yourself from the hardship of seeking and getting abortion and crying about it for years to come . use birth control devices and if you tend to forget or is a spur of the moment behind the club or a back seat Betty lovemaking fool get a gradual release under the skin injection . I support women but lately the bar has been lowered

I\'m going to take your advice

I agree with what others have said. It is a personal decision and the reasons for having an abortion can vary. People do respond differently to an abortion. It is a difficult decision to make and when the decision is made, you don't need other people going off the deep end and forcing their views/beliefs. I think that it shows a lack of empathy.

ATTENTION: To those whose comments are deleted. I do not allow comments that send users to other websites that I do not trust on my stories. I see too many people get hurt by such kinds of actions. It is nothing against yourself, your beliefs, or your intentions. I just simply do not wish to advertise websites that are not linked with EP.



Thanks!

While not directly related to this post, I would like to leave a little tid-bit of a thought I have.



"The decision to continue an unplanned pregnancy and have a child in an irreversible one. Meaning once someone has decided against an abortion & passed the window where abortion is legal (or given birth). The pregnancy & the unborn child becomes a CONCRETE fact. One that can never be changed, hidden, wished away or given away. Even if you are in a bad place in your own life, have health issues or financial difficulties, the responsibility of raising a child can not be deferred, outsourced or avoided in anyway. Abortion allows one the freedom to choose when to have a child. At a time, when one has a home to raise a child in, a job with which to pay for all the needs a child has and even the freedom to never have children. Pregnancy is permanent, Abortion is temporary"

I found my way into this story and I just kept reading, and everything you listed is pretty much what I expected to read from detractors. The fact is, and this goes with any ethical debate, people love to chime in with their insights and opinions and impose them on those they think are wrong. They turn enemies out of their unwilling prey and cast blame where there need not be any.



One person's narrow viewpoint isn't going to line up with billions of other people's perspectives, simple as that. One person's experiences won't always work when another person tries it out. So I congratulate you for taking a stand.

i agree with, you people that have had a abortion already live with pain day after day and we do not have to hear peoples crap .We are here to support one another not put people down,

Oh my word, I just joined this website and it's painful to know these types of people have to attack a womans right...why don't they just create there own anti-abortion group?



Get a life people, if you have issues with abortion write on your own site, not where people want to share stories and find acceptance and comfort!

Hey lincoln! I'm so so sorry you were treated with such disrespect, this can go for any other woman who has experienced such behavior from others. We should really stand up against these actions. There has been quite a bit going on lately and thank goodness it is finally calming down! However, I fear we will get hit with another wave of hurtful commenting soon enough and will have to take this stand over and over again. :) Good to know I have good friends willing to stand with me! Thanks so much for those who comment on this story and are backing me up when I say "We have had enough"!!



PS: Thanks! I particularly enjoyed that description myself when I wrote it haha

Thank you for taking a stand against those who profess to have our "best interests" at heart. I had to make a difficult choice myself and faced a backlash of opinions. That choice was the right one for me and I , like many others, have no regrets. How dare you try to tell me what is and is not wrong for me and others.



Lets keep it real.



PS Love the "word vomit"!

No one will ever truly understand the desperation of a woman who cannot raise a child concieved at a time that wasn't meant to be.



I, at one time, was a staunch supporter of anti-abortion laws etc. I came to this conclusion based on nothing but what I believed about religion and its feelings of abortion.



I came to a scary reality though when I became pregnant.....and was truly unprepared. Of course I thought that I could "try" and raise this child alone and take care of my responsibilities, but then reality hit. I could not. I soon understood the feelings of women who had no other choice at the time and did what was best for them and a child who would ultimately suffer for my poor choices. I loved my child and still do to this day.....but it was not the right time and I had to let her go for her own good and yes mine. Selfish? I do not think so. Have I learned from my mistakes.....YES and will never let this happen again.



For those that believe I will burn in hell for doing this.....walk in my shoes and feel the desperation of having no one to help you through it. Then talk to me about God wanting me to raise this child without all the things she needed just to prove I made a mistake and must live with it.

:) thanks marji! I have never forgotten you! :) it has been a very long time since we have last spoken! How are you? thank you for the support and the kind words! I really appreciate it! You are also a very strong and courageous woman and I admire that about you! :)

ting I'm confused. are you ok? I don't think I want to block everyone from here unless they have faced the choice, but I do want everyone to come here with support rather than hate. I want the hate to stop, I want others to feel supported and safe here. Where else can one go? How do many of us find EP? We find it because we need somewhere to lean. I typed in experiences of abortion in google and this is what I found. This is how I came to EP, I needed an outlet and I found support here. Now the group has become overran with those who feel the need to push their agendas and their "i'm going to save you" opinions and I want to take it back from them. I don't want one to come here and feel like they are going to eb judged or told what to do with their lives. I want everyone to feel the support I felt when I initially came to EP. That is what we deserve! This is OUR place. This is our Support Group. It doesn't get any more "real" than this right here. Raw emotion, pent up from fear of the outside forces of our lives. We deserve a safe haven where our words are safe from judgment and safe from cruelty.

I am not a part of this group, but that was one of the coolest things I have ever read. Finally someone stood up and said that this is a place to share experiences not to judge others. Thank you so much for doing this.

Thank you for posting eliza!!! I really appreciate it!!! I agree, I remember when it used to be just us! here sharing and supporting... It has blown up now with the increase in population. I mean ya there was the group invasion war for a couple weeks but that ended soon as the leader got bored of talking about it. It is our fundamental right to choose as well as and of course our legal right to choose since we took the country back and fought for the right of privacy and birth control and we should not be looked down upon for exercising those rights! I am glad there are so many jumping in support of this! I feel like our group deserves some peace for once!

THANK YOU for this post!! This is a place for women who have shared this experience to share their stories without fear of judgment by others. Unfortunately I see the posts & comments you are talking about all too often. This is OUR group & no one has the right to invade it for the sole purpose of trying to make us feeling guilty about our LEGAL RIGHT & choice!!

I understand your logic Bull, BUT this group is very different from others. This group yes, has a spin opinion from the choice that led us to this group. However, the way those opinions are oresented are crude, judgmental and completely inappropriate in that we could label it as harassment. Some make multiple accounts just to do that without EP being able to stop their coming to EP for good because of the kinds of harassment they partake in. I mean, if they are creating other accounts doesn't that show they know what they are doing and know that it is a form of harassment and prohibited here on EP. Some of us receive horrible PM's and comments, I received an "anon" gift one day telling me i hope I can live with myself and "peace" I mean seriously, this is an extreme form of presentation of "spin" opinions don't you think? thank you for posting though Bull! I really like speaking about these kinds of things and hearing new points of view! :) I hope you continue! take care!!

Its your life. Don't worry about others. There will always be a spin, opinion to everything you do. Be true to yourself and shrug off the rest.

aww thank you asiam!! haha, ya, I thought it was an appropriate term for the actions! I just needed to take a stance and I knew I'd have the awesome ladies like you to come stand with me! I did delete one comment but that problem has been resolved aka I'm no longer on the "get" list haha..well you rock and you don't need to change a thing! (((HUGS))) thanks for standing with me! hehe we gotta take it back, How could we not!?

No problem lilt! I felt it these things needed to be said. It was turning into an epidemic of bad commenting in here haha

Thank you for posting this, hae.

If I say I have no regrets, it means I have no regrets.

Period.

you make a good point Martinelli!!! you really do! I think I'm hoping that some may not have seen what their comments were really saying to the other person, or what they could do. Its a matter of perception in a way. If someone thinks they are doing good by what they are saying, I hope they come to this story and see, they just might need to rethink of how they are wording what they are saying or try a different way of support. That is my hope anyways. I know some will be like I AM helping, and you are a high and mighty control freak blah blah blah, but I'm really just searching for a safe place for those who have been through what I have to feel free. Its hard carrying something when you fear you have no where to release it.. but thank you soo much for your comment!! i went on a ramble haha!! You always have very good things to say and good perspectives on things!

Hey guys! thanks so much for commenting on my story! I do feel that some people think they can show up one day and tell people well you could have done this, or we need to end this death row and blah blah blah.. well this isn't the place for those kinds of comments. When I first got here, we all supported one another, we were all kind. Only every now and then would we catch someone being devious and cruel. Its just exploded now and I do feel that people are creating multiple accounts to do just this. We had someone come here and acted like they supported everyone just to turn around and write a whole story about how they had a change of heart and we are all murders... obvious much? haha, So I feel that I should express how I feel about these types of actions. It is important to me to see this place as a safe haven to be accepted. Not a place where we are looked down upon just like in real life. You can't share these experiences with just anyone in our daily lives. Here you can. You can be honest, and we should protect that atmosphere with everything we have!

i had one and i have no regrets

is my body and my life i dont see why other people should have an opinion about it, only the father and in my case all he had to say was goodbye and good luck

i had one and i have no regrets

is my body and my life i dont see why other people should have an opinion about it, only the father and in my case all he had to say was goodbye and good luck

I'm sorry your group was subjected to attacks. You made a personal decision & I support your right to do so. It's a difficult topic for many, you should have a place to discuss what you're feeling without judgment.