I Had An Unwanted Abortion..and It Hurts

Well I wll like to say my sister was 18 when she first got pregnant, and the only thing my mom could do was cry and say these words to me " I expected it to be you, not her" Those words haunted me.

When I was 19 years old I sat out a semester from school to figure out what it was I really wanted to do. My bf and I had gotten closer and he meant the world to me. We were having sex unprotected and I didn't stop it because deep down I kind of wanted a baby. I wanted a purpose. I didnt have basketball anymore. So, I felt I had nothing to do with myself, but I felt a baby would give me a sense of direction.

In march i left my bf to go off to Louisiana to take a beak from my unreasonable family, and i missed him so much. He was the only reason I came back in April. When we were together we had sex unprotected and it was beautiful,a nd for some reason that night, I knew I had gotten pregnant. So, i decided I would look for my period on the 28th, but it never came not even the first week of May. I wasnt going to tell my mom because I felt it was my business, but one day I started to feel sick.

I was so sick my mom asked my sister to take me to the hospital.  i knew I was pregnant deep down but I didnt want my sister to know because she's messy and she's selfish and I knew she wouldnt let me tell my mom myself. When I sat in the doctor's office, I was in so much pain. I was cryign a little. Then 30 mintues later the doctor came back with the news. My sister burst in tears and that made me angry because she was upset beacsue now it owuld be two babies in the house and her all nighters would be over.

So my sister told my mom and she told me point blank she never wanted to talk to me again. I felt a little bad but I kind of didnt. i told my bf but I told him I was moving to louisiana because I knew staying with my mom would either stress me out or terminate my pregnancy.

But my sister in LA took forever to come get me and I fell really sick. I gave my mom my plans  but she stil insisted abortion. she still threw that phon ein my face to call the clinic. she saw the tears but she didn't care. I was afarid beacuse I was sick an dno one woul dtake me to the hospital. I was afraid to get my bf involved because  he was still in high school in the care of his grand parents what coul dhe do to fight the ridicule and the hatred my parents had. My mom let me sit at home sick for three weeks until i agreed to have the abortion.

Then she finally took me to the hospital. I started to feel better and I knew in my heart my baby was gonna come into this world january 5, 2010. But mom still talked about abortion. I cried night after night. I promised my little girl I would keep her and I started back talking to my bf secretly. I felt so lost. I had no options, no way to turn. MOm never sat down and told me what th eabortion woul dbe like, she didnt tell me we ll if u keep the baby we will do this or that. I was just a sick, pregnant woman dying to be heard.

When the day was drawing near.. I started to get sick an dmy mom told me quickly " U get sick u on your own. Im not about to put up with this. you dont need to have that baby. Lok at you, you cant carry it. That baby gonna kill you. And im not keepin gno baby. Yo baby's daddy is gonna neglect you and leave u all alone." I sat there looking and waitin gon a positive, but I never got it. THen I prayed to God that something would stop it.

That morning June 3rd I went to that clinic hoping I was too far along or something. and the counseling? The lady said three words and it was over. I wanted to call for help but I left my cell and my mom left me at that clinic. I laid in that chair and I cried. I yelled stop! I yelled for my baby's life! bt it was too late...

After it was done, i was able to eat... that was nice. but I realiezed my baby was gone when Isaw this pregnant girl and mom hunked her nose up at her and ridiculed her, and I felt sick. I had let them tak emy baby, a baby I tried to get. And something in me thold me I needed to know what it looked like because mom said " Its gonna be nothing bu tblood. Its not  even a baby! I dont know why you want it." Well I was 10 weeks n I found out in fact I had a growing embryo with fingers and toes and eyelids and eveyrhting. In just a few more weeks I would have been able to feel my baby movements.

I hated my mom. She started to ignore me as I suffered from the lost. I tired to kill myself twice, I laid down all day with little food or drink losing more weight tha I did when I was sick and pregnant. And things started to come back to me. I was sick so I really couldnt do much for myself, mom should have sat next to me and told me more about abortion. She should have researched for me. Mom should have supported my decision to have my baby.....but instead mom said she was ashame. I fault myself because I was a coward, sick and afraid that no one woul dbe there, of course, afte rmy baby is gone evryone is saying i would have helpded you, I would have been there, but no one said that when I was pregnant. No one wanted me to know that someone would hav ehelped me. I let them turn me against my bf turn me against my morals and beliefs because I am strongly against abortion....and till this day I am suffering with memories of the painful procedure, memories of the lack of support, all of it hurts my soul..my heart. I have no life anymore.

flamedheart flamedheart
13 Responses Aug 23, 2009

I sincerely hope you've done a lot of growing up in the six years since you posted this.

I am going through something similar. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we have a beautiful daughter who is blind. Last night he told me that I need to have an abortion or move out. I am so hurt, scared, sad. This is something I don't want to do, but feel like I don't have a choice.it's either my family or having an unwanted baby. I am so sad. I live in Alabama, but my whole family lives in Michigan. I hate him for doing this to me. I don't want to have to raise this child on my own. They should definitely make abortions illegal, I dont want anybody to go through what I'm having to.

Flamedheart, I too had an abortion and I went to sleep crying and woke up crying and 23 year later and a husband and three children later I still cry. I plead with god to forgive me for killing such an innocent child he gave me. But I pray that god will take me before he takes any one of the wonderful children he has blessed me with. Abortion should be outlawed so people like us don't have to go through the pain. Persevere you are loved and can do good. God knows you are sorry. I will pray for you and all who have gone through the pain I have. Know that you are not alone. Be strong and do good to the world.

I have a similar abortion story but it was my ex-bf that coerced me into having the abortion. The important thing is this: People in your life will try to force you into making choices that benefit THEM. You have to be strong enough to do what is best for YOU.

i can say the first mistake i made was not make a decision based on only my making of a choice...the outsiide has a greater influence than anyone gives credit for... what your mother did was cruel and harsh, if she didnt want you to have the baby then fine but not the way she went about things, your well being was in danger and its not right...being pregnant alone is a great deal and even contemplating abortion hangs a toll on anyone, but being forced is unethical and not human...im sorry for your loss, and i hope that somewhere in you you fnd the strength to pull through...we are here for you

What is a Rh factor?

on a small side note flamedheart; have you had your blood type tested? If you were severly sick, you my have a negative Rh factor. I did; you should look into it. If you are you need to have a shot to help you prevent rejection of future pregnancies.

I am so sorry Flamedheart, regardless of anyone's opinion on pregnancy termination, this was your decision, and you are right, it was your Mother's job to stand by you and help you to make whatever decision was right for you, not her. I am sorry that you have been let down so badly by your family. <br />
Go gently on yourself, allow yourself to grieve but please see a doctor if your depression doesn't become more manageable. It will take time, but I hope you can use the power of your grief to develop the strength to honour your baby by living the rest of your life to make her, and yourself, proud.<br />

I like to think I'm one of the loudest- or just rudest- anti-abortion folks on this site... and this is just one situation where SOMEONE should have been jailed.<br />
YOUR MOM.<br />
I'm no doctor, and I've been through a few pregnancies with my wife, and sickness is a part of the experience- but the way you wrote it, it sounds like the pregnancy wasn't doing you too well.<br />
The fact that good old moms didn't even bring you to the doctor is reason enough for her to get locked up- hot DAMMIT you're her CHILD and she did you like that???<br />
On the other hand, you wrote that you were 19... an adult.<br />
Sorry you went through what you did- I sincerely hope you find the will to break out of the bindings your fam has placed around and on you- you're too effin young to be talking about 'ending it'.<br />
Bad things happen to us- but keep it moving, girlie girl. Keep it moving!!!!!

Your mother was cruel and selfish. She had a responsibility to you; to keep you safe; and to love you unconditionally. She failed you in all counts.<br />
<br />
I think the best thing you can do for yourself; is to get away from her. She is not motherly. She is not providing you with the love and understanding that you need.<br />
<br />
Go see your gp; as for help. Go to social aid; ask for assistance to get a place of your own; to provide you with food and shelter - so, you can heal. A counselor; will be able to help you; and she or he probably have support groups; others who have been put through what you went through; whom you can talk to. You are not alone! Message me if you want to talk. Hugs

I can so relate to you sweetheart. Its really hard for me to talk to anyone in my family right now, I feel like they all look at me in disgust but my abortion taught me a very important lesson.... You have to make your own choices. You have to live for you and what you want. Although I am so distraught over what I did, I still signed that paper and laid on that table. I cried too as the nurse tried to put me to sleep thinking back they could clearly see I was not a 100% willing participant in the procedure but anyways back to what I was getting to, You are 19 and can honestly make your own choices. I hope killing yourself is not an option because you have so much to live for. You have a future to have other children (they won't replace this one), you can start coaching basketball for younger girls, there are so many options for you. I can tell you, that there will be bad days but you have to just live for the future. Contact me if you wanna talk

Dear Flamedheart; I read your story and it saddened me. To think anyone who terminates a pregnancy would blatantly kill an un-born fetus constitutes an act of murder. I'm not faulting you. It seems you were under the authority of a parent. Now, mind you, this is only my opinion. Doesn't any search the Holy Scriptures any more to see what God has to say about abortion? From what I understand it's wrong!!! Now, you were an athlete and basketball was your thing or your purpose, right? Then if that the case once your career had come to a close, you sound as though your an intelligent young-lady, find something else that will occupy your free time. Bringing a child into the world constitutes a huge responsibility. A well thought out plan as well as a job that will bring in the income needed to sustain that child sounds like the responsibility of BOTH parents. Please, don't get me wrong, I agree with you when you decided not to have an abortion, but your boy friend should have stepped-up and not let you go through the hurt and pain alone. If there is such a thing as true love then he should have made it his business to be by your side, school or no school. But I know that you still have to deal with the trauma of what you went through. But bear in mind that you have a network of people here at "EXPERIENCE PROJECT" that will help you to cope, I myself being one of them. Good Luck Flamedheart, I will keep you in prayer.

im sorry for what happened to you and i had a similar experience. i was older , 28 and employed. my ex boyfriend insisted he wants abortion , my father always complained of an imaginary heart disease and i felt it was my duty to do what was best for them. that was very wrong it let me without any feelings , a long time.<br />
today im married and i have a child i love but i have moments when i just feel empty. like all my emotions vanished years ago.<br />
you will be ok , but dont expect it to disappear of your memory.