I Had An Unwanted Abortion..and It Hurts
Well I wll like to say my sister was 18 when she first got pregnant, and the only thing my mom could do was cry and say these words to me " I expected it to be you, not her" Those words haunted me.
When I was 19 years old I sat out a semester from school to figure out what it was I really wanted to do. My bf and I had gotten closer and he meant the world to me. We were having sex unprotected and I didn't stop it because deep down I kind of wanted a baby. I wanted a purpose. I didnt have basketball anymore. So, I felt I had nothing to do with myself, but I felt a baby would give me a sense of direction.
In march i left my bf to go off to Louisiana to take a beak from my unreasonable family, and i missed him so much. He was the only reason I came back in April. When we were together we had sex unprotected and it was beautiful,a nd for some reason that night, I knew I had gotten pregnant. So, i decided I would look for my period on the 28th, but it never came not even the first week of May. I wasnt going to tell my mom because I felt it was my business, but one day I started to feel sick.
I was so sick my mom asked my sister to take me to the hospital. i knew I was pregnant deep down but I didnt want my sister to know because she's messy and she's selfish and I knew she wouldnt let me tell my mom myself. When I sat in the doctor's office, I was in so much pain. I was cryign a little. Then 30 mintues later the doctor came back with the news. My sister burst in tears and that made me angry because she was upset beacsue now it owuld be two babies in the house and her all nighters would be over.
So my sister told my mom and she told me point blank she never wanted to talk to me again. I felt a little bad but I kind of didnt. i told my bf but I told him I was moving to louisiana because I knew staying with my mom would either stress me out or terminate my pregnancy.
But my sister in LA took forever to come get me and I fell really sick. I gave my mom my plans but she stil insisted abortion. she still threw that phon ein my face to call the clinic. she saw the tears but she didn't care. I was afarid beacuse I was sick an dno one woul dtake me to the hospital. I was afraid to get my bf involved because he was still in high school in the care of his grand parents what coul dhe do to fight the ridicule and the hatred my parents had. My mom let me sit at home sick for three weeks until i agreed to have the abortion.
Then she finally took me to the hospital. I started to feel better and I knew in my heart my baby was gonna come into this world january 5, 2010. But mom still talked about abortion. I cried night after night. I promised my little girl I would keep her and I started back talking to my bf secretly. I felt so lost. I had no options, no way to turn. MOm never sat down and told me what th eabortion woul dbe like, she didnt tell me we ll if u keep the baby we will do this or that. I was just a sick, pregnant woman dying to be heard.
When the day was drawing near.. I started to get sick an dmy mom told me quickly " U get sick u on your own. Im not about to put up with this. you dont need to have that baby. Lok at you, you cant carry it. That baby gonna kill you. And im not keepin gno baby. Yo baby's daddy is gonna neglect you and leave u all alone." I sat there looking and waitin gon a positive, but I never got it. THen I prayed to God that something would stop it.
That morning June 3rd I went to that clinic hoping I was too far along or something. and the counseling? The lady said three words and it was over. I wanted to call for help but I left my cell and my mom left me at that clinic. I laid in that chair and I cried. I yelled stop! I yelled for my baby's life! bt it was too late...
After it was done, i was able to eat... that was nice. but I realiezed my baby was gone when Isaw this pregnant girl and mom hunked her nose up at her and ridiculed her, and I felt sick. I had let them tak emy baby, a baby I tried to get. And something in me thold me I needed to know what it looked like because mom said " Its gonna be nothing bu tblood. Its not even a baby! I dont know why you want it." Well I was 10 weeks n I found out in fact I had a growing embryo with fingers and toes and eyelids and eveyrhting. In just a few more weeks I would have been able to feel my baby movements.
I hated my mom. She started to ignore me as I suffered from the lost. I tired to kill myself twice, I laid down all day with little food or drink losing more weight tha I did when I was sick and pregnant. And things started to come back to me. I was sick so I really couldnt do much for myself, mom should have sat next to me and told me more about abortion. She should have researched for me. Mom should have supported my decision to have my baby.....but instead mom said she was ashame. I fault myself because I was a coward, sick and afraid that no one woul dbe there, of course, afte rmy baby is gone evryone is saying i would have helpded you, I would have been there, but no one said that when I was pregnant. No one wanted me to know that someone would hav ehelped me. I let them turn me against my bf turn me against my morals and beliefs because I am strongly against abortion....and till this day I am suffering with memories of the painful procedure, memories of the lack of support, all of it hurts my soul..my heart. I have no life anymore.