I Had An Abortion
Hi,
I found this site yesterday, and reading some of the stories on here have been comforting. I am in such distress. I cannot believe the mistake I have made.
I met this man three months ago, after not dating for 4 years. I was content with just raising my 4 year old son on my own, without need of any companion. I had been through hell and back with his father, but it was all long behind me. Just as I was starting to get back out and enjoy myself from time to time, I met this guy who was so aggressive in his pursuit of me. I finally gave in. I was vulnerable when I should have been strong.
On November 6th, we were together- and we used a condom, but I got pregnant. I think he did it intentionally, because he is so falsely enamoured with me. I cried and screamed when I saw the preganacy test positive. I do not want to be pregnant. Not now. I have just started a new job, and I'm suppose to start school in the spring, for medical administration. I just made a career change from education to medical, and I have to start from the bottom up by going back to school, even though I do have a bachelors degree.
On top that, where I live, it is looked down upon to be single with children. I live up North, and it is hard for me with one child to walk with my head high and with diginity. This man, he does not have a job, but works freelance as a carpenter, and is unstable financially. He has all these hopes, and wishes about what he can do, and what he will do, yet I see nothing from him at all.
All day today, while I was at work registering patients (some coming to get ultrasounds for pregnancy) The guy kept texting me and calling me saying that he wants me to keep the baby. He's pleading with me to keep the baby, yet he has a very cloudy vision for how he is going to take care of it. On my lunch break I screamed at him and told him he did this purposely to trap me. I cried and shouted because everything he says sounds so stupid and I promised myself that If I were to be pregnant again, this time, I would do it right by being married. Now I am poised to have a 2nd child out of wedlock. How disgraceful and shameful. I am so dissapointed in myself. And I do not want to marry this man, I do not love him. I despise him for doing this to me. After I shared my heart with him and told him about all the heart and pain I had been through in my life, he carelessly took off the condom during sex and impregnanted me. He snatched my dreams away, and even has now put me in a position to lose the love of my God, Who I love so much.
While I was on the phone with planned parenthood today he kept calling me. I ignored his call. I spoke to a counselor who explained the surgical procedure. I was oozing out of my chair as she explained what would be done to me on the operating table. She told me based on when my last period started I am 6 weeks along. She tranfered me to the appointment scheduler. I scheduled my appointment for this saturday at 1030 am. I am so distraught, I dont know what to do. I know it is best in my circumstances not to have this baby. I am repulsed by the father, who has been careless, and selfish in wanting me to have his child without my wanting to the same way.
My son is 4 and we are just starting to get back on our feet after a whirlwind of experiences with my family and his father who is compeletly absent from his life. This man now is pleading and promising that he will be there and provide, yet, he has nothing now to show for it. Not even his own apartment (he shares with a cousin) or even a consistent paying job. I just think it is so cruel to bring a child into such conditions. One time is excusable, but twice is just so wreckless.
Plus, I hate him now for doing to this to me. I know I participated in the sex too, I know, but he really trapped me, he did it purposely. We were using a condom, and he must of slipped it off.
I have so many dreams. So many dreams for me and my son, and I feel they have all been dashed by this man, who came out of nowhere and ruined them. I told my best friend, and now I even regret that, because she is playing "holier than thou" and insisting that I should have the baby. When she was pregnant with her daughter she considered an abortion at 5 months-she even went all the way to the clinic and changed her mind the moment they called her in. I almost wish now I didnt tell him or my friend. But I was so overwhelmed by emotion I needed to tell someone.
I dont need any judgement right now. I just want to share my story because I dont know what else to do. I am struggiling enough raising 1 child on my own, and this mans actions only support the notion that there will be much more singlemotherhood ahead if I keep his child. He's flighty and very wishful, when he has nothing to show for all of his optimism. He keeps saying how he'll take care of everything, how everything will be ok, how he's going to take care of me and the baby, and I know deep in my heart is all a lie. He said today how he "called around for jobs". I'm just looking up to the sky, like Why lord? Why? I tried to break it off several times, but I just wasnt strong enough. And now I will suffer eternally for my weakness.
On the other side of this, is my very deep and personal connection with God. Me and God have been very intimate friends since I was a child. In my lonliest moments, I have cried to him, and he has heard my prayers. I just don't know what is happening between us now, and why he would think I can handle this burden now, when I struggle enough to maintain a decent lifestyle for me and my son, in a one bedroom apartment. I just can't imagine, why he would give me these shoes to wear. Because I never,ever wanted to have to make such a terrible decision as to have an abortion. I have been a person all my life who was very careful and said I would try my best to never be caught in this situation.-I never judged anyone who had to have an abortion though-never.
My heart is so broken. Today I could feel what is happening inside of my womb, and it made me so uncomfortable and so weak, to know what I will have to do come Saturday. My heart is dying, but my mind is made up. I just think it will be so unfair to my son, and to society to rear a child I will not have the proper means to afford. My salary is barely above minimum wage at the Hospital; I struggle to make ends meet. And now, the the man I chose this fate with has even less than me, and only words that he thinks should comfort me. But they don't.
I have been through this experience before, I just do not think I can do it again. God help me.
