My Story....

     I was 24 years old and already had a 1 year old daughter. Things with her dad were okay but things were a bit on the rocky side.  When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, it totally hit me by surprise. I was already thinking about leaving my daugher's father but hadn't really made THE decision.  Things got so bad that I was not sure of keeping the baby . I hadn't made a decision. 

     I had my ultrasound to confirm that I was pregnant and I lost it, I got so emotional. I started leaning towards keeping it, and my daughter's father pretty much said it was my decision and he would support whatever I decided. I day during my lunch break I decided to come home for lunch. Well surprise, surprise, my man was at home with someone else!!! Nice.  Not only was I angry, pissed off, upset, all of the above, but I was pregnant and that made my emotions a million times worse. My world crumbled. This made me reconsider keeping my baby, I didn't want my baby to go through what my daughter was already going through.

     The first appointment came and I didn't go. Finally, October 7, one of the darkest days of my life,  I was a mess. I got ready and told my daugher's father that I was ready to go. He told he he had to go to work, that I had to take myself..... Oh, Lord, did we get into it. But Fine. I didn't need that A**hole anyway!!! I drove myself to the clinic. It surprised me to see so many young girls in the waiting room acting like nothing. Some had already had 1 or 2 abortions. I was the only one crying, minding my own. I chose to be awake for my abortion, hard I know. When the time came and I layed on the table, the nurses and doctors  were asking me about my daughter as if it wasn't bad enough that i was there to terminate my existing pregnancy. They asked me about work and the things I liked to do, I was like, " Are you kidding me?" Maybe they did it to get my mind off of it, but it didn't work. I prayed the whole time. Asking God and my baby to someday forgive me. But when I heard the vacuum sucking my baby out I lost it. The tears just streamed down the side of my face. I just told my baby over and over that I was sorry. I recuperated in the room and  an hour later they allowed me to go home.  Ironically, the song by Train was on the radio and the verse said, " I won't give up, if you don't give up..." something like that than it said, "Calling all Angels, " and I just sobbed!!! Oh, Lord, was my baby talking to me?????

     Things ended when my daughter was two years old. Ironically, the baby would have been born the same month my daughter turned two.  It's been almost 7 years since it happened and the guilt and the emptiness kill me. The hardest part I think is the emptiness. I personally, don't believe that God will ever forgive me for this. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself... But I take it a day at a time. I feel bad that now at almost 8 my daughter wants a sibling. Doesn't look like it's going to happen, no man in my life. I feel like I cheated my daughter out of the experience of growing up with someone and that hurts, because she is lonely. She has many, many cousins but it is not the same. 

     As for her father, well he sees her here and there but he's not really involved. His family and I on the other hand have an awesome relationship. His family has been very supportive though we are not together. They love my daughter very much. As for me, well I don't know where I would be without my family and my little girl.  It's just me and her now. I'm back in school, just bought a house and things are looking up. If I can overcome this I think I can pretty much overcome anything.  It has been a hard . Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby and wonder what her or she would have been like. Too late for regret, what is done, is done.  I can only look to the future and try to be the best person I can be for both of my babies...... and hope that one day my baby will know that I loved him or her very much and that mommy always will. :) 

I wanted to share my story so that you know that you are not alone. When you are in the moment you wonder how you are going to go on? I am not religious but I do believe that God gives you the inner strength to continue moving forward. We are so much stronger than we think. Unfortunately, it is these hard times when we realize it the most. Be strong. :)

    

P.s. sorry the story was so long.

    

1Chica79 1Chica79
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 7, 2010

oh wow! so sad, I'm sorry you had to go through this! I hope it gets easier as time goes on.

Thankyou for sharing.