A Work In Progress *very Personal
Hello all...I am struggling a lot these days, and I feel as though I just need to let things out. Almost 4 years ago I had an abortion. I was a friend with benefits for 3 years and didnt realize that was my title for the longest time. I remember the day that he said he wanted to change his life and make me his girl... and I believed him. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell anyone because I kept struggling with the idea of what I was going to do. I was a junior in college...almost done with my Special Education Cert. I kept weighing my options for a week. The day I made the phone call was one of the hardest days of my life. I told him that I wasnt sure what I was going to do, and that I actually felt bad for it happening. You see, he already had a 2 year old son, he had him when he was 20, and I felt like my mistake of forgetting my pill ONE TIME, was going to take away from his child. He has full custody but struggles everyday to care for him. Hes a great dad, and well I thought that maybe it wouldnt be a bad thing, to have his baby. He told me that he would be there for me and take care of his responsibility, but to be honest, he didnt want me to have the baby. A few days later I get a letter from him detailing the fact that he has been with numerous women all the while he was with me and that he thought it important that I know. That as well as my mom telling me that it would ruin my life solidified my decision. I couldnt go through with adoption, so ... I made the appointment. He was supposed to go with me the morning of, but he called me and stated that his father would be unable to watch his son, because although I had asked him a week in advance, he had asked him the night before. He did say that he would bring me, but his son would have to come along. Of course I wouldnt do that! So, I asked my mom to just drop me off. When I got to the clinic I paid and just waited. I went through the process all the while thinking look... you are alone here, and you would have been alone caring for this baby.It reassured me a little. So I had the abortion. I continued to be that friend with benefits, and found out that I was exposed to HPV. it was not active but healed, yet there were scars on my cervix. So... I went through treatment for that by having my cervix frozen. The procedure was very successful, and no signs of HPV have been detected but, I have had the worse news of my life just recently. When I had the procedure of freezing my cervix I was told that there is risk that infertility can occur due to scar tissue but that wasnt likely... WELL It happened to me, and the dr told me that my cervix was damaged and that full term pregnancy would not be likely. My world crashed. I wanted to die... because I had an opportunity and I ruined it! I constantly convince myself that I dont want kids so that the fact that I cant have any doesnt hurt at bad. I still talk to him HIM but its a crazy situation because he doesnt take any responsibility for what I am going through. So, I joined this site. My story has so many holes in it but it is just the short version. I have been hurting lately and really need an outlet. So I hope to meet people here who can help me get through this pain I feel in my heart!