A Work In Progress *very Personal

Hello all...I am struggling a lot these days, and I feel as though I just need to let things out. Almost 4 years ago I had an abortion.  I was a friend with benefits for 3 years and didnt realize that was my title for the longest time. I remember the day that he said he wanted to change his life and make me his girl... and I believed him.  2 days later I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell anyone because I kept struggling with the idea of what I was going to do.  I was a junior in college...almost done with my Special Education Cert. I kept weighing my options for a week.  The day I made the phone call was one of the hardest days of my life.  I told him that I wasnt sure what I was going to do, and that I actually felt bad for it happening. You see, he already had a 2 year old son, he had him when he was 20, and I felt like my mistake of forgetting my pill ONE TIME, was going to take away from his child.  He has full custody but struggles everyday to care for him.  Hes a great dad, and well I thought that maybe it wouldnt be a bad thing, to have his baby. He told me that he would be there for me and take care of his responsibility, but to be honest, he didnt want me to have the baby.  A few days later I get a letter from him detailing the fact that he has been with numerous women all the while he was with me and that he thought it important that I know.  That as well as my mom telling me that it would ruin my life solidified my decision.  I couldnt go through with adoption, so ... I made the appointment.  He was supposed to go with me the morning of, but he called me and stated that his father would be unable to watch his son, because although I had asked him a week in advance, he had asked him the night before. He did say that he would bring me, but his son would have to come along. Of course I wouldnt do that! So, I asked my mom to just drop me off.  When I got to the clinic I paid and just waited.  I went through the process all the while thinking look... you are alone here, and you would have been alone caring for this baby.It reassured me a little.  So I had the abortion.  I continued to be that friend with benefits, and found out that I was exposed to HPV. it was not active but healed, yet there were scars on my cervix.  So... I went through treatment for that by having my cervix frozen.  The procedure was very successful, and no signs of HPV have been detected but, I have had the worse news of my life just recently.  When I had the procedure of freezing my cervix I was told that there is risk that infertility can occur due to scar tissue but that wasnt likely... WELL It happened to me, and the dr told me that my cervix was damaged and that full term pregnancy would not be likely. My world crashed.  I wanted to die... because I had an opportunity and I ruined it! I constantly convince myself that I dont want kids so that the fact that I cant have any doesnt hurt at bad.  I still talk to him HIM but its a crazy situation because he doesnt take any responsibility for what I am going through.  So, I joined this site. My story has so many holes in it but it is just the short version. I have been hurting lately and really need an outlet. So I hope to meet people here who can help me get through this pain I feel in my heart!

amgeez amgeez
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 7, 2010

Hey sweetie. <br />
I really feel for you, your story brought a tear to my eye. I am in a situation right now and am very emotional, where reaching out for support is very limited. I am pregnant, me and my boyfirend have been together for almost a year. We were up and down but we have been doing really well and things were looking good. He knew I wasnt on any kind of birth control, i dont like it due to all the side effects. When I was younger I took the morning after pill way to offten and I always felt like it effect my ability to get pregnant, I thought i may have had Endometriosis which can lead to infertility. I mean for months most of are relationship he would mess up and i never got pregnant. I never got around to going to the doctor but i just assumed it was me, and so we both just got more comfortable and he trusted me when i said dont worry because I thought I had it all figured out. Apparently i was wrong, very wrong. I found mid Jan that I was pregnant. I came to my boyfriend hoping that he would understand. He immediately walked outside saying I lied to him, and I felt terriable and imediately took on all the responsiblity. I promised I would get an abortion so so sorry I will get Medi cal it will be free, no ties to you. Hoping that we can mend are relationship and get past this and be happy together since I loved him so much. But after telling him he just couldnt look at me , touch me, be close. Always out all night not coming home, just being cold. I was emotional about all of this and he just said there was way to much drama, and he packed his things and left me. He then shot me a text saying he will be there for me... but he hasnt and I dont plan on him being there. <br />
I feel so torn on what to do. I have had an abortion when I was 16, I am now 24 almost 25 and I thought i would be past all this by now. But I am not and that experience still haunts me. I am alone and well feel abandoned, I dont have any support to fall back on. My boyfriend is 35 and i really thought he would man up. Now I am torn on keeping it or aborting, Have done pro's and con's for both... But i am so afraid that something that happend to you will happen to me .. i mean i already thought i was not able to have kids. And i just dont want to do this and not have a chance again. I also dont want to be presured by anyone to kill my baby. I am almost 10 weeks, no money for abortion and not sure when my benifits will come in so i have no idea how far along i will get to. I mean its already far enough where I feel guilty. I feel so scared, and just dont want to regret anything. One moment I am like forget it I am keeping it, I will step up and make things work out and still have a filled life , like this isnt a death sentence. But then I go to work, i work in a club, and look at all the people free and having fun and i feel like I will not be able to do that again,. But in some ways I dont really do it much any more now. My boyfriend acts younger then me. I always wanted to stay at home and he would go out. he said i was like a old person. lol ... So i just am not sure my reasons to have an abortion are good reasons. I just think I am scared. And I just dont want to be thrown into a depression or give up my chance for a man. <br />
I am so sorry for what happend to you, and its such a hard thing to think about this choice is the worst thing to ever make... I sometimes wish i didnt care to make it easy and painless. But the problem is I care to much. ANd thats why i feel like abortion will be a mistake... <br />
<br />
I hope you get through this just know that there are others out there that feel you and are going through the same as you .. people are on your side.. stay strong...

Thank you guys! It just makes me feel so much better to have it out there... and to know that I am not in this by myself

HUGS! I'm so sorry that happened to you! I hope you feel better some day! Take care xo

hey , i know what you are feeling and going through .I wish I could say something to help you feel better but it seems like no matter what people say it doesnt help when you have had abortion .If you need to vent or talk I am here .I Know somedays I have too as well .Take care