What's The Right Answer?

I found out 4 days ago that I was pregnant. I told the guy who fathered the child and his initial response was "I can't do this." He already has an 19 month old son who he takes great care of since the mother left. I was so angry at him for being so negative. How could he love the child he has but not be willing to help me with this one?

I'm 23 and still feel like I have so much life to live. Traveling, friends, school... I feel like the list is endless. On the other hand I cannot fathom the idea of having an abortion because of my irresponsibility. I've been around small children my whole life and I know the struggles that would be entailed in having a child. My sister and my niece have lived with me from the time she was born. I know that it's not easy but everything I've ever wanted for myself has been to be a mother. My instant maternal instincts to protect this child in my belly were instant, almost indescribable. My sister had an abortion at 23 and I was talking to her about what she thought I should do. She now has 2 beautiful girls and she said the guilt of having an abortion was replaced by the love of her other 2 children. She said it has been a struggle but she is also very glad to not have that tie to the father of the aborted child, as she is now married to somebody different. I have no desire to be with the father of the child. He's a great guy and actually one of my best guy friends. There's no bad air between us and truly no drama or any reason behind me not wanting to be with him other than the fact that we're just not compatible in the long run. On the other hand there is a really great guy that I met a few weeks back that I am completely infatuted with. Somebody that I could actually see myself marrying and I'm afraid that if I go through with the pregnancy that will ruin my chances of being with him, or with any man in the future.

I'm so torn on what I should do. Do I abort this child because of my own selfish reasons? Because I'm not ready to give up the way my life is right now? Or do I follow my gut instinct and keep the baby because I know mentally I would be able to provide for this child the way I would need to. There seems to be no right or wrong answer for my scenario... If I abort the child I know I will feel extreme guilt but on the other hand if I go through with the pregnancy my whole world changes as I know it and I won't know if it will change for better or worse.

Does anybody out there have advice to offer?

looking4advice33 looking4advice33
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 21, 2010

I was 18, 4.2 weeks, and just under a month from starting college. It was August 2004. I chose (mutually with my boyfriend) to have an abortion. I was given an injection of Methotrexate and four days later I would finish the process. I was in a 2.5 year relationship. It just made sense at the time. I was on birth control and we failed to use a condom in addition. It was a slip-up. I really didn't think it could happen to me. I thankfully had the support of my then boyfriend, my mother, and even my dad. We chose not to publicize it and even now I've only told a handful of people I can really trust. I chose this option because I knew in my heart it would kill me to give a part of me up. Maybe I'm selfish, but I knew if I was going to do it, it was going to be mine and only mine. I also knew I could be a good mom. GOOD wasn't good enough for me. I only wanted (and still do) to be a GREAT mom - the best kind possible. You mentioned how maternal you are. I'm one of the most maternal and caring people I know. I just wasn't ready for it at that moment in my life.<br />
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I'm 24 now. Next month, my child would be 5. Every time the beginning of August or March rolls around, I get bummed out. Sometimes when I see children around that age I get bummed out, too. It's going to happen. I won't lie about it. Those close to me sometimes forget but are easily reminded when I just give them a teary-eyed look. It's something you will NEVER forget about.<br />
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Long story short, am I glad I did what I did? I am. I always was. I didn't want to have a tie to someone I truly knew I'd never "be with forever." I knew what my life would be like and it wasn't a pretty picture. My boyfriend and I broke up a few months afterward. It may or may not have anything to do with our decision. We we already near the end when we decided what we did. I used to think about it every day at least once a day for almost four years. It stung and resonated like nothing else I've ever been through. Every so often I have a bad day, but for the most part, I'm okay. I've graduated college and am half way through graduate school. I'm in my second relationship since then. Life is going really well. I'm really happy and most days I feel wonderful.<br />
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The first three years following were extremely tough. Prior to that August, I never really had an opinion. Sure, you can be pro-life. You can judge all you want (even though you REALLY shouldn't pass judgements). The thing is - you have no clue what it's like to seriously think about this unless you've been there. If you've got a good support system, do what you think you should do. Even if it's not that great of support - remember yourself. Don't worry about the guy, don't worry about your family or what your "friends" will think. Think about you. <br />
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It's not easy. Not at all. Best of luck. xoxo<br />
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Note:-New to this site, will post this as "my story" as well.

look if you want to raise a child and you have the means it could be a blessing for you but if your not ready, unable or have serious doubts about it impacting you negatively go through with it I had one when i was in my senior year of college i had no job my boyfriend helped me pay for it I was about to graduate and go to graduate school and i am in graduate school now but i still have yet to find a job and as soon as i do i need to save money to move out it was not the time for me to have a child and i dun beleive in adoption cause i know to many people who were ****** up by the system or grew up with abusive parents but adoption from the heart u can pick the family if you really are just worried about guilt and you think u can carry a child to term thats a option but i personally felt awful cause it was a complete accident i was on birth control and still got pregnant but having the abortion was the best thing i could have done given the situation i was in i couldn't go threw with having it and everyones reasons a real and valid so at the end of the day pick what is really best for you in the long run.

I had an abortion in June 2009 and even though it was difficult at the time, it was the best decision for me. At this time, I get sad once in a while but I am doing much better. Just because someone had a hard time with it, dont let it discourage you if it is what feels right for you. Everyone is affected differently. It is a decision that you have to make for yourself.

I am 42 and had 2 abortions one in my twenties, one in my thirties, I will tell you that the guilt haunts me on a daily basis. The father was the same for both pregnancies and he threatened me that if I had the child, I told him about the first one only when I got pregnant the second time. anyways Ihe threatened he would never forgive me for "ruining his life and he did not want a bastard child" i dated this man for 8 years, to say it was an unhealthy relationship would be an understatement as he was physically abusive as well. But at the time losing him was more terrifying to me then losing a baby and so I had the abortion, he took me did the supportive thing for about 12 hours,, less than a year later he was married to someone else and is now a father,, I remain single and childless, I have had major health issues for the past two years and truly feel as though it is punishment from god for my choice. I have nightmares about dying and seeing the children I aborted and them asking why? I am from a big irish catholic family was the girl who was supposed to marry and have 4 kids, the choice to have abortion yes it allowed me to build a very successful career and travel ect, but at the end of the day I will never know the love of my child, as I get older there will be no children to help me.. it was the worst decision of my life and I would discourage you from making the same bad choices I made.

I would like to tell you to remember that you hold a life inside you now. You have a lot of life left to live, but so does the child within you. If you cannot provide for the baby, or don't think you have what it takes to be a good mother to your unborn child, you can think about adoption. That is completely unselfish, you bring a life into this earth, and give people who cannot have children the chance to raise your child. There is also no shame in that, and it would not hurt you as much as an abortion. Abortion changes people, and they live with the consequences of their one decision. Please don't abort the baby, when so many people are looking to adopt a baby.