You Can Bounce Back

I wrote this as a comment on someone else's post because I wasn't really sure how this site was used. This is my story.

I was 18, 4.2 weeks, and just under a month from starting college. It was August 2004. I chose (mutually with my then boyfriend) to have an abortion. I was given an injection of Methotrexate and four days later I would finish the process. I was in a 2.5 year relationship. It just made sense at the time. I was on birth control and we failed to use a condom in addition. It was a slip-up. I really didn't think it could happen to me. I thankfully had the support of my then boyfriend, my mother, and even my dad. We chose not to publicize it and even now I've only told a handful of people I can really trust. I chose this option because I knew in my heart it would kill me to give a part of me up. Maybe I'm selfish, but I knew if I was going to do it, it was going to be mine and only mine. I also knew I could be a good mom. GOOD wasn't good enough for me. I only wanted (and still do) to be a GREAT mom - the best kind possible. You mentioned how maternal you are. I'm one of the most maternal and caring people I know. I just wasn't ready for it at that moment in my life.

I'm 24 now. Next month, my child would be 5. Every time the beginning of August or March rolls around, I get bummed out. Sometimes when I see children around that age I get bummed out, too. It's going to happen. I won't lie about it. Those close to me sometimes forget but are easily reminded when I just give them a teary-eyed look. It's something you will NEVER forget about.

Long story short, am I glad I did what I did? I am. I always was. I didn't want to have a tie to someone I truly knew I'd never "be with forever." I knew what my life would be like and it wasn't a pretty picture. My boyfriend and I broke up a few months afterward. It may or may not have anything to do with our decision. We we already near the end when we decided what we did. I used to think about it every day at least once a day for almost four years. It stung and resonated like nothing else I've ever been through. Every so often I have a bad day, but for the most part, I'm okay. I've graduated college and am half way through graduate school. I'm in my second relationship since then. Life is going really well. I'm really happy and most days I feel wonderful.

The first three years following were extremely tough. Prior to that August, I never really had an opinion. Sure, you can be pro-life. You can judge all you want (even though you REALLY shouldn't pass judgements). The thing is - you have no clue what it's like to seriously think about this unless you've been there. If you've got a good support system, do what you think you should do. Even if it's not that great of support - remember yourself. Don't worry about the guy, don't worry about your family or what your "friends" will think. Think about you.

If this is what you choose, it will not be an easy road for you. Nor do I think having a child or giving it up for adoption would be roads best taken either. Whatever path you choose to take, you can bounce back eventually. You might not be the same person, in fact, I know you'll never be the same regardless of your choice. You're going to struggle with "what if's" in any of the situations. It's human nature to question everything.

Just wanted to share my story with those of you are going through what I've gone through. Someone else has been in your shoes, take comfort in knowing that.

It's not easy. Not at all. Best of luck.

xoxo.

P.S. If you've already been there or are going to be soon, feel free to send a message. If you're going to send a 'hate' message, don't waste your time. The first negative thing I read will be deleted immediately.

snowybloom snowybloom
22-25, F
6 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Thanks to the rest of you for your support and encouraging words. It's been really helpful to finally tell my story.<br />
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Much love! xoxo

@peza - No, definitely no Sarah Palin here. Thank god for that. Although I've been told I do a fairly good impression.<br />
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@MandyLee - I get that life is rough. Totally understand that. At that point in my life - no I couldn't handle a child. Not the way I would want to. I can feel bad from time to time and especially around certain dates. I don't beat myself up about it anymore because I've learned that life goes on with or without you. It's a "what if" situation that I'm sure I'll always wonder about. If that wasn't my "what if," I'm sure I'd be wondering about something else.

Life is rough, with or without a kid. Big deal, really. You can't handle a kid, but you can handle feeling bad twice a year? Christ, ya may as well have had the damn thing.

I've always said I'm pro-life. But I never, ever thought deeply about the process. I just believed if I ever ended up pregnant, I would keep it no matter what.<br />
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But I've read many many stories like these and I totally believe it is up to the individual. Like you said, you will find 'what ifs' in every situation.<br />
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I suppose I just went with what was seen as generally, morally right.<br />
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Thankyou for sharing your story, you really made me think about my own beliefs and maybe I shouldn't be so quick in saying what I believe.<br />
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-x

I understand what you went through....For that was me a very long time ago....<br />
Please feel free to read my story...To all young ladies...>From an older one....<br />
It tell of how I dealt with the pain of my abortion...No matter what led you to decide.....You yourself said that you are in pain...at least once a year.....That was me.....<br />
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I am here for all that wish to talk.....at least with another that have shared the same path...<br />
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Peace to you<br />
<br />
Singer

Are you Sarah Palin ?