Can't Sleep...

I had my abortion 3 weeks ago and I still can't sleep. I feel so full of regret. When my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant we decided to keep the baby. We knew it was soon and unexpected but we started making plans. But then when I was 10 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend said he was no longer ready and thought I should have a termination. I already have two children from my first marriage and I didnt want to end up being a single mother to yet another child. Because I was already 10 weeks pregnant, I had to have a surgical abortion. I cried the entire time I waited in hospital, praying that my boyfriend would change his mind. I was still crying as they put me to sleep for the procedure. My boyfriend had the nerve to say just after I woke from surgery, 'I didnt want you to go ahead with it, I just didnt know how to tell you'!! What a thing to say minutes after the abortion. I feel so sad and feel like I will never be the same again. 

lizzieS lizzieS
22-25, F
6 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Wow that sounds like me. But the hospital put you out for the procedure. Where I come from they don't put you out. I had to be awake the whole time! it was the worst pain ever! What state are you in and what hospital are you at because I would like to come there instead of doing it here. Please answer back!!!!!

Wow that sounds like me. But the hospital put you out for the procedure. Where I come from they don't put you out. I had to be awake the whole time! it was the worst pain ever! What state are you in and what hospital are you at because I would like to come there instead of doing it here. Please answer back!!!!!

Thanks for the support. Means a lot. I still ask myself why not one nurse in the hospital asked if I was ok, if I was sure with my decision. I think all my tears were an obvious sign I wasnt doing well. I should have gone for my 12 wk scan today and I would have passed my first trimester. Ironically, my boyfriend hasnt been supportive. On the contrary he has just been going out on the lash lots and not coming home till the next day. Its like he feels guilt but just can't talk about it. I want to talk to him, let us mourn together, but he is just pushing me further and further away. I know this is a crazy way to think but Im just scared that if I lose him, I will lose the last thing that reminds me of the baby we were going to have.

My boyfriend did the same thing. On our drive home from the clinic he said "We shouldn't have done it". I stopped him right there and said YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT NOW! Especially since I was doubting the process... I actually left the clinic while I was waiting and suggested that we go home and take more time to think about it. He disagreed and continued to support the decision we made together.<br />
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What your boyfriend is doing, I think is normal. He is feeling guilt and shame for the decision he made about the pregnancy and he feels bad that you had to go through it. Guys are clueless in the sense that they don't know how to express their feelings or apologize. <br />
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I feel terrible that you had to do something, you didn't want to do. After having two children already, you should definitely ensure that you don't have to make this decision again by getting another form of birth control. IUDs are great, especially when used with another form of birth control.

I hope you didn't let you boyfriend rule your life and your choices, your boyfriend is not perfect and shouldn't depend your life and choices into someone who is not perfect bec. they will just failed, but instead you should depend yourself (everything) to is perfect which is our God ( I dont know if you're a believer but I had to say this). Your boyfriend just dont want to have the guilty feeling when he said "he doesn't want you to go ahead" trust me on this, he wanted that, he just wanted you to feel all the guilt AFTER the baby was gone.

I'm so sorry you went through such a tragic ordeal. Did you personally want the abortion or was alot of it one sided? I'm very shocked to hear to they still performed the abortion on you whilst you were obviously in distress about it, an abortionist needs to be 100% confident in your decision to go ahead with the procedure. I would strongly recommend speaking to a councellor or someone that specialises in trauma to those that have experienced abortion. Its okay to feel tears and its totally understandable. You most definitly need support though at this fragile time. Thinking of you xxx (((((Hugs)))))