Regret And Trying To Cope With Termination

Hi

It has been 5 months since I had a termination. I'm finding so hard  coping with the decision and what I and my family have lost. Unlike some, I am in a loving relationship. I am 38 and my husband is 42. We have two beautiful children, who are 3 and 5. When I didn't get my period I was worried that I might be pregnant. I kept trying to calculate my last period, but couldn't be exactIy sure. I had some sleepless nights wondering how a baby would impact on the relationship my children have with each other and I felt a lot of resentment. When I told my husband that I thought I was pregnant he asked me how I felt about it. I blurted out that I didn't want to be pregnant.  He then said we have options. He was waiting to see a specialist to see whether or not he prostate cancer. He said that he didn't know what his health would be and that the pregnancy was only 4-5 weeks along - that it was still cells and didn't have a heartbeat. I was also worried about our ages, I hadn't prepared my body for the pregnancy, how would I cope if something was wrong with the baby and  we had to make the decision further down the track - could I kill something that had a heartbeat, that had been growing inside of me?  Our last two pregnancies had been planned and I took the necessary steps to give the pregnancy its best chance. So I said ok - 4 days later I had the termination.

I really regret what we we've done. I have found it hard. I have cried an ocean and feel anxious. I have spoken to close friends who have offered their support and a shoulder to cry on. I am soon to see a pychologist as I have difficult with how I felt towards the pregnancy. It is constantly on my mind. I look back and feel that the resentment I felt was because I was scared and if I hadn't reacted in such a way then I would still be pregnant. I find it hard because never in my wildest dreams would I ever thought I would do something like this- so I stuggle with this too. I  I remember asking my husband to look up on the internet about a babies development - to see if it would have a heart beat  because I know that if it had I could not go though with the termination. My husband has been very supportive and encourages me to look to the future and that this was a decision we made together. Does it get any easier? Do I have the right to have another child if that's a decision we make further down the road?  I feel so alone and empty. I was only 5 weeks pregnant when we terminated, yet I feel so lost? Would really appreciate some offer of hope to move through this.

hopeandsunshine hopeandsunshine
36-40
8 Responses Mar 10, 2010

I am currently in the exact same position and myself and my husband have decided to have a termination although I turn 40 very soon I just can't imagine having another child I have two lovely children and to find myself pregnant was a complete shock I've tortured myself over this decision and I'm so tearful for the loss I will have but feel it is he best and right decision for us due to the fact my husband works away and I will be alone with 3 children with very little help as my parents and my husbands parents are now too old to help.. It will also be a huge financial strain and feel I would never cope alone I have never had a termination before and am very very scared and booked in for Monday the guilt is overwhelming at times but I take a little relief from the fact that I am very early and will only be five weeks so no heart beat.. This is extremely hard for me and a decision. That has been painful and not taken lightly but I do feel it's the right decision XI hope u soon find peace as I hope I can too x

You made a difficult decision that had to be made. It does get easier over time. No-one has a right to judge your decision. Keeping busy helps and taking care of your family
Will help also.

I can understand where you are coming from, it is a hard decision, possibly the most difficult decision to make. You are the person responsible for bringing this person into the world, you have to make the decision for it's future well-being. Bringing someone into a world where your husband may be ill or have cancer, may have feuding children who will resent the baby, whether you are financially stable for this new life - this is what you have to consider. If you think you did the right thing for you, then that's what matters. Don't be afraid to speak to someone, keeping emotions bottled up especially those of sadness and regret can take a toll on you and your relationships. I am not saying this without knowledge, I terminated at 7 weeks and now 4 months on, have the same feelings as yourself. Seeking professional help may help you, talking about it may help, crying about may help, but if you don't do anything, you will not be helping yourself. It is the hardest thing to have your decision validated because of religion and morals and people's views, but you are not alone. There will be regret for 'what could have been', and thoughts of what your life would be like now if that decision hadn't been made. There is no problem with thinking about this from time to time, but you need to know that if you did the right thing for you in your situation, you did.

Need to tell you what i am thinking and feeling I had a termination at 8 weeks just under a week ago. I am 21 almost 22 and I have a 16 month little girl, I love her to bits. I was told I had a hemirage and I got scared and belived it would be a bumpy ride and hard. I suffered post natal depression with my daughter which is now progressed into mild depression. I soon descovered i was pregnant which scared me, because of the hemirage and the 21 hours of labour with emergancy c section the first time. I was getting back to work and taking my daughter to baby groups and trying my best as i was not well enough to work and signed off or 6 months. Plus i felt things were tough between me and my partner financial and down to the fact so much has happened and we were settling in to our routine. Am i selfish? It does upset me it really does, but in my heart I know it was the best i could do it all felt to soon and my life was rushing past. I love my little family and hope they can forgive me?x

Im 40, and after only being with my ex for 4 months I fell pregnant. This should have been the happiest period of my life. I have a 24 year old and 4 misscarriages. Sadly my partner changed so drastically, and I was tired, stressed and crying every day. He had major trust issues, and accused me at every oppertunity. His ex wife cheated on him and he was convinced that I was too. In addition the pregnancy took its toll on my heatlh and I was seeing a midwife on a weekly basis. At 11 weeks I ended up spending 4 days in hospital. During this time he did not visit me once instead spent his time snooping around the house to find evidence that I was cheating. I thought long and hard about abortion, as I am also unemployed at the moment. I was so sure that abortion was the best decision, and had managed to convince myself that all my reasons were valid, and the fact that financially I could not face being a single mum, or if I had kept the baby I would have to put up with his demands and manipulating. I had the abortion yesterday at 12 weeks and 4 days. I woke up in a flood of tears and have not been able to stop crying. I really want a baby but could not under the current circumstances. Im so sad and keep having outbursts of crying fits. I feel selfish and like a really bad person. My ex does not know about the abortion, in fact he is still trying to manipulate me into taking him back. I feel so guilty. I dont want sympathy, just to know it will get better.

hello, i had my abortion almost a year ago. although i do feel sad at times, i don't regret my decision. you were scared at the time, and you had every reason to be. you were unsure of your husband's health and the condition of your body, and you made a rational choice based on your uncertainty. yes, abortion is not easy, and it's supposed to be sad. but it also gives you an opportunity to grow and to become a stronger person...the same person...but stronger. and i say "same" because having an abortion does not change you into a monster or a bad person. the guilt you are feeling is normal. and it's great that your husband is supportive and open about the subject. i can't tell you how important it is to have a significant other who will actually talk to you about the abortion, as it seems a lot of women do not.<br />
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"But from what I understand about this program, they're not out to convert you; they just want to assure you that you are forgiven and still loved by God."<br />
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i do want to comment on that quote from JanIAm. those types of programs are are clearly trying in some way to convert you because they want you to believe in God and to believe that you need to be forgiven by him. yeah, they might not be trying to literally convert you. but they are trying to convert your thoughts into believing that you did something wrong. i don't know if you are religious, but you don't have to believe that having an abortion is wrong. you don't need to be "forgiven," you need to be supported. so i would suggest finding support from a group that isn't religiously based, unless of course you are religious.<br />
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well i hope everything works out for you. it sounds like you have a great family. a psychologist might do you some good because he/she will help you sort through all your thoughts and emotions. but like hae said, this group might just be all you need! all i have to say is that i am so greatful that i stumbled on this site before i had my abortion. i found some great people, and i can't express how helpful it was to converse with those in the same boat!

(((HUGS))) I feel that beating oneself up over this decision is the last thing you should do... You and your husband seemed to have talked it out and were very rational about what was going on therefore who knows, what if you truly made the best decision? Assuming you didnt and assuming the good what ifs and ignoring the bad what ifs will tear you apart and you don't deserve it. You can move forward from this and feel better but that comes from acceptance. It will always be with you, but that doesn't mean you should beat yourself up over it. I have come to terms with my decision and I am at peace with it. I know it was best for us at the time and there is no changing what has been done. So trust yourself that you did what was right at the time and accept that everything will fall into place as you heal. It is a loss so you have every right to grieve it and feel however you find yourself feeling. Just dont lose hope and don't assume you dont deserve to have a child again. You deserve to have as many children as you can! Choosing not to once in a very questionable time to raise a new baby is not a factor that should be a part of furture choices, so stop beating yourself up!!!<br />
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Also, though I am sure those kinds of organizations that were spoken about above (rachels project) work for some, I don't feel like it represents choice in the most unbiased of ways. From what I have found of those kinds of places it seems to push the idea that choosing abortion is a bad thing and its not! Its a completely logical right that every person has and not everyone needs spiritual forgivness to move forward. It all depends on your own religion and beliefs when it comes to abortion. So take care and beware of some agencies who are out to make money rather than truly help. <br />
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This group is actually a support group on its own so maybe you can find what you are looking for without spending the dime you would going to an impersonalized conferance. <br />
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If you need anything at all don't hesitate to ask! take care ok!<br />
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hae

I don't think there's an "easy" way to terminate a pregnancy no matter how far along it is. From my point of view, it's alive the moment it's conceived so knowing whether or not it had a heartbeat would be irrelevant to me. I would still feel lousy about it -- and HAVE felt lousy about it because I have chosen to terminate a pregnancy as well.<br />
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I wish I could offer you an easy way to let yourself off the hook for this but I haven't found an effective way to cope with my own guilt even though my pregnancy was terminated many years ago. However, I would like to offer you the name of a group -- Project Rachel -- that works with women who are trying to cope with the aftermath of an abortion (http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/). A short excerpt from their web site follows: "For over 25 years, women and men have been coming to Project Rachel, the post-abortion ministry of the Catholic Church, for help in healing their emotional and spiritual wounds. The priests and counselors in the Project Rachel network understand the pain and loss that follow abortion. They have led thousands of grieving women and men from despair to hope and peace. Project Rachel has trained priests and professional counselors who can help you to heal spiritually and emotionally, no matter what faith tradition is yours."<br />
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I'm not Catholic and I don't know about your own spiritual convictions. But from what I understand about this program, they're not out to convert you; they just want to assure you that you are forgiven and still loved by God. Even if your religious convictions are unclear or you are an atheist, I believe there might still be some benefit to be had from this organization. I hope you'll check the web site and see what they have to offer. Meanwhile, I'm glad that you came forward to share your story here. I know that there are many other women out there who share your feelings but many of them are reluctant to come forward because they feel ashamed. Please remember this is a complex, highly volatile issue and there is no clear consensus about how "right" or "wrong" this is, too. You weighed the consequences of having another child against the well-being of the family you already had and you made the choice you thought was best at the time. There's no crime in that.<br />
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Best wishes for you ...