I've Carried This Around For 18 Years......

April 25th 1992 - the day I had a termination.  I am now in my 50's and the abortion has haunted me from that day to this - and there has not been a day gone by that it hasn't come into my mind.

Owing to medication I took when I became pregnant I was informed that the child would be have severe skeletal abnormalities, cleft palate and spina bifida.  I had no idea that the medication I was on would cause this, no one told me.  Although I was in a relationship we did not live together and I was alone with 2 teenage children, working full time to keep the roof over our heads.  The father of the baby was adamant he did not want it, my GP and the Consultant Gynecologist at the hospital told me that this baby would be severly deformed and they doubted I would carry to term anyway.

However, this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I lay in that hospital bed, crying my eyes out, crying when they took me down to theatre to the point the Consultant said "do you still want me to do this?"  I replied "do I have a choice???" his answer was "NO". 

When I got home there was no support from anywhere and I can remember sitting in a chair, sobbing and wanting this child in my arms - the grief was awful.

So 18 years down the line and I should have 3 children, not 2.......theres always that doubt "maybe this child would have been ok, maybe they were wrong"......its still so hard for me to live with. 

I say to anyone considering an abortion, think very carefully - this procedure leaves one dead and one wounded for life.

To my baby, now I hope being looked after by my mum in heaven, I'll meet you one day and I'm so so sorry.

bimsgirl bimsgirl
56-60, F
8 Responses Mar 14, 2010

Bims, Do not blame yourself, you made a very difficult decision and the what-if game is something we all should avoid. Chances are more than likely the doctors were right and you did all you could do. You exercised a choice that you truly didn't want to have to do but found it was the best for the circumstance. That is the way I look at my own anyways. I mean, I didn't want to have to have an abortion. I didn't want to have to endure the loss I feel everyday, but I did it because it was the right thing to do for the circumstance. I hope you find peace someday. You are obviously a very caring mother and person who shouldn't be torn apart like this. If you ever need anything at all there is tons of true support here. Beware the sites mentioned above me though. One site may be about coerced abortion but all these sites make money off those looking for true support as well as spin abortion as something one needs to be forgiven for, for choosing. For many like myself, you only need to accept that you can only do what you feel is best and there is not forgiveness needed from any outside parts for abortion is not an evil thing that we must beat ourselves up over for the rest of our lives. Its a choice that leads to a certain outcome just as carrying a baby would do. Its just a different path and you can find peace with that and I hope you do. Like many others, who understand this, I would have done the same you did if I were in that circumstance. Take care of you and try to avoid the grand, positive what-ifs that tear us apart, its not good for you in the long run and only misleads you into feeling guilty about something you had every right to do. <br />
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Moodchild, All of those organizations are against the right to choice in one way or another (meaning they work toward ending it). I thought it was fishy you were offering a pregnancy "crisis" center for support here and this just proves my instincts were correct.<br />
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People, those organizations twist the right to choice into something that is bad that we need forgiveness for doing. Sure some of them stand up for those who were coerced into their abortion and I'm for the whole no more coercion stance but the rest are really about religious takes on abortion and making money off of those suffering by offering conferences and what not that those seeking help have to pay for to be there, not counting traveling expenses to make it to one of those things. Beware, for when support is for profit what kind of support are we really buying?

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through and are going through. It sounds like you were not given a choice in the matter. Doctors don't like to have liabilities, so they often recommend termination in situations where there's a possibility of health issues in the child. I'm sure that your child knows that it wasn't even your choice in the first place. I hope you find peace. Remember that you are not alone. <br />
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Just so you know, there are people out there who are willing to help. As you seem to be looking for anonymous help, a website that was designed to help those grieving abortion who wish to remain anonymous can be found here: http://www.abortion<x>changesyou.com/<br />
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There are many other resources at these sites, too:<br />
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/resources/index.html<br />
http://www.afterabortion.org/healmor.html<br />
http://www.theunchoice.com/healing.htm<br />
http://www.abortionrecovery.org/<br />
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If you need to talk, feel free to message me. *hugs*


nomomisery - thanks for the advice but I will not be getting professional help for this, I will finally put it to rest myself - hence my use of this forum. Hey maybe I can even reach the stage where I can help others from my experiences, who knows.

Bimsgirl, <br />
I'm sure that your child understands and is waiting to see you one day. Please forgive yourself. I'm sure that your child forgives you. I do!!!!!!!!!!!

nomomisery.....I am so sorry you have had to live with your condition and all the pain you have suffered because of it.........your comments have at least made me realise what could have happened if I had carried on and had the baby and that he/she could have ended up resenting me for bringing them into the world. My heart goes out to you.<br />
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I'm not religious, God has nothing to do with this, and to be honest he's never done me any favours - I guess it just makes me feel better thinking my 3rd child is safe with my mum and dad. Believe me I have tried to forgive myself, I can't seem too - which is why I have come onto this forum to try and get this long overdue feelings out. I had no support from anywhere before, during or after the abortion and have only really talked to one dear friend about it, who tells me I did the right thing also. It seemed the decisions were all taken out of my hands, I had no control over it, each and every person from my GP, Consultant and partner were pushing me into it.<br />
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I did realise at the time what effect a deformed child would have had on my 2 teenagers, and life was pretty hard for all 3 of us then. Also I had no idea what happened during an abortion, but I do know now, which is maybe far too much information for me to take on.<br />
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Anyway, thanks again for your replies......I hope being on this forum will eventually enable me to accept what happened and then perhaps I can forgive myself once and for all.

Bless you. Don't feel bad for what you did. You felt it was right at the time and the child may very well be much better off without coming into this world. I'm sure you're a good person and a wonderful mother to the 2 children you have. Try to look at all the positives in your life and let go of the negative feelings. Take care.