Not My Choice


    When I was only 23 years old, I had my first and only abortion.  My boyfriend and I had just moved in and started living together. We had been in a serious relationship for 5 years.  After being on the birth control pill since I was 16 years old . my family doctor suggested that I discontinue  taking the birth control pills, because of getting migraine headaches. Every time I got an migraine it was HELL, because of having to spend hours laying down in bed in the dark room.

      One day when I went to see my doctor she informed that I was pregnant.  Sitting in a coffee shop downstairs of the medical building thinking of what I was going to do. That day the first person to learn of my pregnancy was my mother. She wasn't happy like I had imagined that she would be.  Before getting pregnant she once said to me how she didn't want me to have any children, because she was so afraid of my unborn child having a learning disability.  And then being a young woman and not yet married how would I deal with a child who was born with a learning disability. 

       From the very first moment I knew that I was carrying my boyfriend's baby I felt it was so special we had created something very unique. I had been wishing that we would one day have a baby since we were going steady.  After we began living together it just happen that the birth control was causing me problems.  I ended up having an abortion.  Laying in  the hospital bed before going into  day surgery kept wondering if I was making the right decision.  It was a major decision for me and felt it still wasn't my choice, because if it was my own decision I would have kept my baby. 

      A year later even after having my abortion my boyfriend and I decided to get married, but I realized that I felt angry towards my husband. That was when I began eating to stuff down my feelings, of being angry, sad and hurt, but mostly disappointment with myself for not being able to stand up to my mother and my boyfriend who became my husband.  And then many years later, my mother said she didn't know how I really felt and she was really the one who convinced me not to have my baby.  I felt angry and hurt at my mother too for not allowing me to make my own decision.

      Now years later, I went to see a therapist who agreed with me that under the circumstances being that I was young and not married it was the best decision that I made for myself.  My husband and I  never had any children we remain a childless couple.  I think my husband wanted it that way only, because of his and my brother who never cared about other people and their feelings. He didn't want to raise a child who would be spoiled and not care about other people.  I can understand about not having a child who may grow up to be selfish, but did still wasn't a good reason why we could never have any children of our own. 

      Just to update I have recently been seeing a new counselor who has been helping me with my past issues including my  abortion. It has brought up mixed emotions and thinking I never had a chance to grief my loss. I just want to have some closure to my loss. I realize now that no one is to blame. I was totally responsible and it was up tp me to make my own decision, but being a victim I tend to leave my hardest decisions up to my mother and my boyfriend who became my husband.  I have learned that when I was 23 years old I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to make those adult decision.          




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8 Responses Mar 15, 2010

I'm sorry that you feel remorse, but you need to accept that this was your choice. No one held you down on the table, you laid down on it. If you have depression or anxiety stemming from your experience you need to accept that it's a decision that YOU made, not anyone else.

You can baptise the unborn child. There are priest that do that and it helps on a personal and emotional level. You can also plant a tree or something in a memory of your unborn child. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, I know that some people will say that is bad but sometimes we make choices we don't realize what kind of impact they will have on our life. Also remeber that your unborn child is in heaven and you will see him/her after life. I would also recomend to take a look at Bart Hellinger work, and maybe do a workshop regrading, that it will help you spiritually and you could find a pece within yourself.

I was single and had the child, but I was also 35 years old. I couldn't afford it, nor wanted it, but had her anyway. Abortion wasn't an option for me for my conscience. My daughter is now 18, and she's a blessing, although raising a child alone is a MASSIVE draining experience.<br />
But, I am staggered at a mother being so insulting to say "learning disability" How degrading!!! I am sorry your mother was so unsympathetic to a young girl, as no one should dictate an abortion to anyone, especially a mother to a daughter! One thing is for sure though. We learn from what we live. There is not one day in the past we can change, but we can learn from it and become better for it and help others before they go down the roads we faced. Of the experiences and successes and mistakes of the past, learn from them and let them go. Mostly, forgive yourself and others, as anger, resentment, and bitterness use enormous energy and take peace from your life, and cause lots of anxiety. Use mistakes, and the past as a stepping stone to better ourselves and help others faced with the things we were.

Well you obviously seem to fail at understanding that what we are sharing here are our abortion experiences... Having been in the situation pressure from outside people from yourself is strong and can be overwelming if not entirely overpowering. There is no "passing the buck" here. There is no lack of taking responsibility here. She was pressured and she has to heal from the scars that kind of cirucmstance creates. If you understood that then we wouldn't have an issue of sensitivity here. Its not about taking responsibilty in this case. I'm for being accountable but I think your multiple comments in this forum regarding this "blame game" topic has a rant like element to it and I'm not sure you are meaning to be insensitive but its not necessary given this specific kind of all means offer support, but I'm not sure you're understanding what you say has a negative connotation in this forum because you are not acknowledging the special circumstance or taking the time to understand that responsibility for this decision is not in question here.

Hae...<br />
I'm not ranting on the blame game. What I am saying is a 22 year old is more than capable of making a rational dicision on his/her own. Do I feel bad for her? yes. Do I offer support? Yes.<br />
However I am all about taking responsibility for your own actions. If more people thought this way, society would be a much better place. Take responsibility, dont pass the buck.<br />
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For example: My mother was a crack head and my father abandoned me. All my uncles are alcholics and most of my cousins (family) are drug adicts. For a number of years I smoked cigarettes. DO I blame my mom and dad......NO!.... Do I blame my poor (no money) society upbringing for my addiction to cigs.....No... Its my dumbass that decided to smoke. <br />
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I agree. Everyone has a right to feel the way they want to feel, just as I do. However, If I can help someone out by giving my bold upfront (harsh) opinion, then so be it. I am not passing judgement on anyone. I never said she was a bad person.

vince you really need to be much less harsh on her. I think you are missing the point and going on this "blame game" rant too soon. <br />
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If you want to offer support offer it, but don't assume this woman deserves such harsh comments when she's looking for support. <br />
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You have every right to feel how ever you feel.. Don't let anyone (like vince) tell you that you don't have this right. You should never have to feel pressured to do something you really don't want to do. Its extrememly difficult to withstand that and I'm not sure I would find it so easy to battle it myself given this kind of circumstance. Keep working on every day and don't beat yourself up. If you do want children some day though, speak up now! You both should be on the same page about it all because you are building this life together and to live your life to the fullest that means doing what you want to do before this life is over! (((HUGS))) take care of yourself and hope to hear that things are going well! If you need anything at all don't hesitate a moment ok!

mr. vince above me shouldn't be so harsh. yes, you were an adult woman capable of making her own decisions. but that doesn't mean it's easy to resist pressure from those who mean the most to you. if you don't find that one person to support you and the only advice you are getting goes in one direction, what else would compell you to do otherwise? and what your mom told you about not wanting you to have children because of a learning disability is pretty cruel. there are a lot WORSE things that could happen to a child besides a learning disability, and just because you would have to make some extra effort is no reason to convince you not to have a child. she had no right to tell you not to have children - it's YOUR life. aside from that, it sounds like you should talk to your husband about what you are feeling if at all possible. it might help. i hope that you were able to come to terms with yourself. you probably did make a wise decision even though it wasn't what you truly wanted. have you spoken with your mom or your husband about how you felt about all this? bottling up everything is no good.

Sounds to me like your playing the blame game....<br />
I blame my mother, I blame my boy friends...blame blame blame....<br />
Take a look in the mirror and point the finger. In life there are choices. No one person can really make you do something you truly do not want to do. Yes, I agree w/ you by saying your mom played a part, your husband played a bigger part, but you were the lead role. <br />
....."Before getting pregnant she once said to me how she didn't want me to have any children, because she was so afraid of my unborn child having a learning disability".... why in the world would someone say that?????<br />
My comments here arent to force you into an explanation. I am just trying to explain my point. No-one gets you into trouble but you. You are the main factor here. You were 22, not 12 or 13 in some cases....<br />
Now, you mentioned some medical complications from birth control pills..... If this were the reason, than thats another issue.<br />
People arent aware of all these negative side effects of these so-called helpers.