I Don't Want To Become My Father

I feel utterly... and totally disgusted with myself. My father used to physically abuse me when I was a child, not sexually but he was nothing short of hurting me more than he should when I did something wrong.

Today, the grandson of my dorm mother, who usually is a little pill to begin with, kept kicking my computer and trying to get into my face. I've had a long, long day and this kid has been pushing me, and I had had it. I grabbed him, harder than I should, and tried to tell him to stop. One of the girls saw me and screamed at me for grabbing him so hard and calling attention to the Dorm Mother, who in turn got extremely angry at me.
I.. can't blame her for being angry at me, I did grab him really hard. And I feel absolutely.... disgusted with myself because my father used to grab me like that. For the love of God, don't let me ever become that monster.
thegirlyouleftbehind thegirlyouleftbehind
18-21, F
3 Responses Dec 3, 2012

This may be a late response, but I know the feeling.
My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me and two other siblings of mine. Although he doesn't physically abuse any of us anymore, I still get the emotional abuse.
I worked at a Daycare and this boy was being a little jerk, and I grabbed his arm and dragged him to the corner. Right when I grabbed his arm, he said I was hurting him and I let loose on my grip, fearing that I was going to be physically harmful to someone who wasn't my child, or even possibly my own future kids.
You just have to keep calm, which I know is really hard to do, but as long as you try and have a clear head in that situation, you'll limit the chance of falling back on inflicting pain on the one you're upset with.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You recognize that what you did was wrong. Being aware of one's actions is the first step in correcting it. You know you don't want to be like your father and you don't have to be. I broke the cycle of abuse. I am now a grandmother and I love my daughter and granddaughters very much.

Kid needs a good beating for boundaries' sake. Don't blame yourself mate.

Thank you so much, that makes me feel a hell of a lot better