Wrong From The Beginning

We met at a happy hour. Because I'd had so much to drink, I didn't realize I was in the backseat of my car with him until it was too late. I was mortified having just gone through a divorce after I found out he was in the middle of his third affair. I had condemned them both for their behavior only to find myself doing the same thing. I vowed it would never happen again and I cofronted my coworker with my feelings of disgust at my behavior. We were friendly but not inappropriate for months. And it happened again. I knew it was going to happen but tried to convince myself I was better than that and that I wouldn't drink so much. I was wrong. Long story short, we've had some very inappropriate conversations since and his wife found them. I am devastated for what she is going through. And that I had a major part in it. There was no intent to ever have him as my own or conversations around us being together or anything like it. When I was sober, I always did the right thing, telling him no and to go work things out with his wife. He loves her and missed what they used to have. I've told him many times to work on his marriage. I even asked him what he was going to do when he got caught because I don't think it was just me that he was inappropriate with. I wish I could convey how truly sorry I am but I know that won't help her. I blame myself for not being strong enough to watch my drink. And what I really struggle with now is that I am no better than the women that did this with my husband. I feel awful about so many things and hope and pray that my coworker will work things out with his wife. I think I'm generally a very good person. I help people when they need it, I listen when they need a friend, I am there for my family and friends. How can I really be a decent person and do what I've done??? I feel like I should wear a scarlet letter. Im not looking for absolution or to be persecuted. I have now been on both sides of this situation. They are both awful for so many reasons.
Ashamedofmybehavior Ashamedofmybehavior
41-45, F
1 Response Sep 23, 2012

ivo is right. You can't change any of it. You need to forgive yourself and others. We all have needs and desires