My Best Friend Ended Our Emotional Affair

Im writing this story to basically get it off my chest. I need a release. Non of my friends or family knows I had an emotional affair, and nor do I want them to so I literally have no one to turn to, but I have to do this so I can move on.

As odd as it may sound, I am a happily married man with two amazing daughters, and I have no intention of ever leaving them. My family means everything to me. The problem is that seven years ago I met a woman at a party in a different city that proved to me there is love at first sight, and that you can love two people at the same time. I fell for her instantly and I would have slept with her then, but a good friend of mine wisely stopped me. At the time I thought it was just lust, but later realised I was in love with her. I contacted her as soon as I was back in my city and the relationship quickly developed into cyber sex which lasted for about a year. We did get together three times and had lots of "fun" in the bedroom but didnt actually have physical sex, hence this being an emotional affair. She asked me if I would leave my wife and I said I wouldnt, and not long after her boyfriend proposed to her and she accepted. We agreed to stop the cyber sex and carried on communicating via e-mail and messenger daily discussing pretty much anything and everything and we became best friends. Flirting was extremely common but didnt progress beyond that.

About a year ago we added web cams to our communication, though only ever talking when our partners were not around and we would talk into the early hours of the night, which says something initself. Fast forward to three months ago, and the flirting suddenly got out of control, right back into very graphic cyber sex, and I told her I loved her. Not sure how it happened after a very long break, but it clearly excited both of us. She said she could only really confirm her love for me if we were physical so we started talking about getting together and we were getting riskier in our communication ie on blackberry messenger when our partners were around, and extremely frequently.


We both wanted a physical affair without it impacting our marriages but it all came crashing down this weekend. We were inappropriately talking on blackberry messenger and even though our conversation appeared to end well and un-dedected, her husband must have found out what was going on. The next day she had severed all communication forms with me, and she has been unresponsive to any texts/e-mails since so i dont actually know if thats what happened though it seems likely.

Even though I would not leave my family for her, which she knows, Im still in love with her, and her cutting me off (understandably to save her marriage) has left me devastated. As well as a lover, I have lost my best friend. Its still very early and Im hoping she will contact me at some point.

Its very selfish of me to want her back and I know I should just focus on my family, but thats also why Im posting on the "I had an affair" section rather than on a family forum. If it is over then Ill eventually move on, but I just cant get over how tough it feels right now, and how its impossible to talk to anyone about it.

DidntSee DidntSee
36-40, M
9 Responses Jul 27, 2010

I was in a very similar situation until recently.
I have been married for 25 years to the same man.
I had a four year long distance affair with my best friend from high school after 35 years.
My question to you is what would you do if YOUR wife found out?
Would you fess up or would you deny it?

I have recently had a 3-month affair with my best friend who is 18 years younger than me. After knowing each other for about 3 years as friends we were apart from each other for about 6 months and when we made contact again we admitted that we had fantasised about each other during that time. We started fairly honest and erotic chat and emails to each other and then got together. She (my younger friend) wanted so much from me sexually and I was happy to provide but the act of sex was always an issue with her. she wanted to experience me in that way but when it came to the act she struggled with it and found that it was just "too close" and she didn't want to get attached. When we finally stopped it two months ago, she became very aggressive towards me in trying to break ties. What hurt the most, and still hurts me to my core right now, is the way she did it. All those feelings of friendship and trust seem to have been forgotten by her and I feel like her enemy now. She wouldn't take the time to explain to me her true feelings, or to chat or meet up just to say goodbye properly. Just pure aggression and regret from her now. Cheating on my wife was wrong, I know that, so I don't need anyone lecturing me on that. How my younger friend has been dealing with it though it what hurts me. No more contact ever she says, as if I never existed, despite being close and comfortable with each other for so long. As a friend I miss her desperately.

This is the worst part of clandestine affairs/friendships. I hate, hate, HATE it when people simply "disappear." One of the first commitments I try to get in an online friendship that appears to be going the distance -- is an agreement to find a way to LET ME KNOW if something happens to that other person. These friendships are REAL, even when long-distance and/or online only.<br />
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I totally feel for you (please ignore all the other comments about what you're doing to your wife -- which are totally beside the point and don't help at ALL). How lucky you were to have found a "best friend" online! I sort of wish you HAD been able to go through with your plans. There's just nothing worse than not KNOWING. Even if you had connected and found that it wasn't as anticipated -- it would have been easier to let go, than THIS! Arrrgghhh!! <br />
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Well . . . equally unhelpful, but totally true: This too, my friend, shall pass with time. :-) Hang in there.

It hurts when someone ls no longer in your life and you are emotionally attached. Our brains and hearts don't always agree with the way we feel. Like you I understood the reason that my emotional affair ended, but it hurt because it ended like yours abruptly without so much as a good by or closure, which leaves you in a mental state of wondering, and waiting. Time does help, but I will never forget my first love. I'm trying to appreciate my spouse and the family I have, and encourage you to do the same, but there are still days that I would love to still talk to him. hugs love2day

I feel your pain and just wanted to say if you want to talk I would be happy to talk with you. I ended an affair with a married man and though I know he was happily married with two children whom he loved and didn't want to leave I still ended up in an affair with him. We did have sex but the part I have a problem with is that he became my best friend and I am having such a hard time not having him to talk to every night. We see each other every day and I feel as if I don't know how to act. It was very selfish of me to become involved with him. He loves his wife he was just very bored sexually and we had a lot in common. It all started out innocent with flirtations, then emails, then cyber sex, to real sex but all along I started to depend on him and need him and though I don't love him or want to ruin his marriage or have him as my own I do miss him and feel like I have lost a best friend. We have talked everyday online for the past year and a half and now I am just lost.

I can really relate to you so much. I am a married woman soon to be divorced. 1 1/2 years ago I was reunited with an old high school male friend, When we spent a couple of days getting to know each other again after 35 years we discovered that there was a strong chemistry between us. He is and was happily married, I was not. We emailed, talked on skype, texted and talked on the phone almost every day.. We had a sex life of sorts through email and then a little bit on skype. We live 3,000 miles away from each other and have not physically done anything but had planned to in the spring. Well one day I finally felt such guilt about his wife that I told him this. He had been feeling guilty also and a couple of days later he told me that he wanted our friendship to become platonic again since it wasn't right what we were doing. But now I am so entangled emotionally that the pain is incredible. I know it is right that it ends but it is difficult to remain in contact with him. It is indeed like a drug having this kind of affair and now that he doesn't compliment me or flirt with me it really feels bad. So I am ambivalent. Should I break off the friendship completely? But then I would lose such a wonderful friend.. I feel your pain.. I hope things are better for you now. My affair just ended 3 weeks ago and it hurts..

Hi,<br />
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I hope you felt better getting your story off of your chest. I know I did. It is hard, because you do have nobody to talk to, really. I mean, you certainly wouldn't talk to your spouse about it. It definitely would not be comfortable with family and friends. You should check out my story. I re-wrote it just now actually, a lot more detail, but I felt that it was important.

You have cheated your wife out of affection that is rightfully hers. If your marriage fails; you will have to live this down with yourself. You took vows. When you feel yourself being drawn out by the opposite sex- there is no harm in being friends. When it infringes on your marriage; you should put some distance there. It is not a good idea to face temptation if you can't handle it. Hurting other family members with our actions is morally wrong. Give yourself a break and stop now. Make this up to her.

I so know what you talking about - i am there RIGHT NOW