Never Thought It Would Hurt This Bad!

I'm glad I found this site....I've been wanting to share my painful experience with someone, but of course I can't tell my family.  I'm  a 43yr old woman, been married for 20yrs, and have 2 teenage kids.  I can remember telling myself and my husband that I would never ever dream of, or even think of having an affair with someone else...Wow, then in April of this year it happened.  I had become friends with a single, never been married guy (9 yrs younger) by visiting his place of employment.  I wasn't attracted to him at all at first, we just shared friendly conversations over the past year or so. My husband had been working long hours, sometimes 7 days a week.  He was always tired, and rarely ever wanted to do anything fun.  I had become extremely bored with him, and he had begun to take me for granted more and more over the past 10 yrs or so. My opinions didnt matter, never liked what I was cooking for dinner...always complaining about something, and would get angry over the least little things!  I started visiting my guy friend every time I knew he was working.  He was so fun to talk to...he listened to me.. he was always smiling and always in a good mood.  It made my day just to see him for a few minutes.  He gave me his number on a business card one day and I carried it around with me for a couple of weeks wondering if I should contact him.  I decided to send him a text message one night just to say hello.  Well, that's where it all began.  We began secretly meeting places, texting , and talking to each other.  The first kiss was amazing!  I felt like I was in another world. I hadn't been this happy in YEARS!   Our affair lasted about 3 months..  The way it ended is what is so painful for me.  I went to a party with him around the first of June and had the best time with him.  He told me things that made my heart melt.  He made me feel so special. The next morning he calls me around 9am.  I couldn't answer of course because my husband was around.  I called him back an hour later but he said he couldn't talk right now, he was to call me back in 20 mins.  Well, 6 hrs went by and he never called.  I called him, but he acted like he could care less to talk to me, so I told him to call me later.  He never did.  I get a text message the next afternoon saying he wanted to break it off for awhile.  I was devastated!  What did I do?  He finally called a few days later and explained that he didn't want to continue the relationship because I was married.  I was so hurt, I was falling for him so fast.  We exchanged a few texts and phone calls over the period of the next few weeks, but didnt' see each other.  Then the first week of July he sends me a text and asks if I want to come over and talk/hang out for awhile....so I agree.  I even broke some prior plans that night just to be able to see him again.  We had sex that night, but it wasn't the same as before...it was more like a *uck!  Anyway, I texted him the next morning to tell him that I thought last night was a little on the "rough side".  He never replied....ever, and its been 6 weeks.  I tried once more to contact him 2 days ago, and nothing.  I cared for this guy...ALOT, and I feel now that I was used.  I am soooo hurt by this experience.  He said he would always be there for me no matter what happened....I realize now what kind of person he really is.....The problem is, I still think about him...every day.  WHY?????  Why can't I let it go?
In the meantime, I have had long talks with my husband about how he has treated me over the years, and he has agreed to change, and has...he treats me like a queen now.....but I still don't feel the love I should for him.....I still think about the jerk I had the affair with and wonder how he's doing.  Am I crazy or what? 

Update :  Well, it's been 4 months now since I last seen or talked with my affair guy.  It hasn't been an easy road.  This is something that I think will scar me for the rest of my life.  My marriage is doing better, and my husband still does not know of the affair.  I have gotten into counseling, and that's helping somewhat.  I no longer have the urge to contact the affair guy, but I still think about him alot.  Some days are better than others, and today really through me off.....way off!  Today I received a phone call ...from him, but I didn't answer.  I just sat there and stared at the number....my heart racing, and my entire body numb.  I don't understand how just seeing his number can affect me in that way.  I don 't  know if I should return the phone call or not.  My heart wants to, but my brain says no, don't do it.  Should I?  There's a huge part of me that wants to know why he called.
Sighhhh!  Just when I thought I was doing pretty good and thought I'd never hear from him again.....I just don't know!
terrilyn44 terrilyn44
41-45, F
21 Responses Aug 10, 2010

I hope your husband Finds out,your little **** buddy Will be the least of your problems

I am now going through almost the exact same experience. I am so ashamed, hurt, confused, all wrapped up in one!!! Thank you for sharing so I don't feel like I am the only one that has gone through this. I see this was posted in 2010...how are things now?

Actually you should tell your "husband" who did not choose to sleep with this man who now has to get tested for std's because you selfish pathetic poor excuse for a wife and mother has so violated him in the worst possible way. See you are making choices for him had he had the opportunity to know what a disgraceful women you are he would walk away but instead he is living a lie and will hate you when it's uncovered because it always is uncovered maybe not today but one day he will know and when you see the pain in his eyes that you've caused the guilt should make you want to go to sleep and never wake up, not to mention how disappointed your children will feel about you and themselves because children see themselves as half their mom and half their dad now your half of them will be tainted. Good job ruining their lives for your selfish pleasures!!! Dummy

It's been almost 4 years now. You are right. I was a complete disgrace of a woman and mother. I'm not that person now. My husband knows everything. I have asked for God's forgiveness several times. My husband still doesn't trust me, but I can't blame him. The important thing is that he loves me unconditionally, and I'm a very blessed woman to have such a forgiving man to be my husband. It has been a tough few years and I am so very, very sorry for my horrible mistake. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage alive. I was so incredibly stupid and selfish to commit adultery. It WILL NOT happen again. The affair I had taught me a lot about life in general, and a lot about my insecurities and how to face them the right way. I was looking for an escape from reality, but now, I'm facing reality head on and will continue to from now on!

I know a couple of people kinda beat you up on this post. But the good thing is you came back after all this time. You responded and that's important all of the things you said matter. You have a great husband for forgiving you. Time will heal the scars of this drama. You're a great wife for coming forward with this affair and asking for forgiveness

Thank You rssT4T...Im not a bad person nor am I perfect..i made a mistake and I owned up to it...maybe this is what it took for me to realize that my husband isn't perfect either...I have realized how blessed I am to have such a loving caring husband and to be honest , I don't regret the affair because it opened my eyes and made me realize whats real and what isn't....the only thing I regret is the pain I caused my husband and the scars it left on my marriage.

Most importantly you and your husband are doing well now

Sorry didn't mean to repeat my self ooopsi

I really hope you and your husbands relationship is doing well

You've probably already seen this womansinfidelity.com. It describes your situation to a tee. If you haven't read it you might like to check it out.

Hope this helps I'm done.

I'm also guilty of having an affair.

Let me say that you will never undestand the turmoil and the hurt you caused your spouse and children.For 6 months I expected my husband was having an affaIR.2 WEEKS AGO I caught him.I can not eat,I can not sleep.I am having major panick attacks.My normal blood pressure is not normal now.I going to end in hospital cause I losing weight.I now live with the idea i was not good enough for him or he would not had looked else where.I was over weight then.. so I guess he did not want to have sex with a fat wife. lost 110 pounds and I am now smaller than her.NOW>>> I am afraid for my life.All because he lied and screwed this bimbo.She is stalking me. drives by my work every day and now my home.She will blow her horn just to let me know she in front of my work.I just started getting harrashing text.Prety sure it her.I just involved the cops.I love my husband dearly, but when he walks out the door I go in panick mode.I thinking he going to her house, or is he calling her or texting her.Nothing will ever undo the damage it has left.I just hoping we can restore the marraige some how.People who have affairs are selfish...

Yup we are.
U are absolutely right.
Good people **** up.
Wonder what insecurities your husband had/has that caused him to make such a horrible selfish decision.
He is hurting too

8 More Responses

Please give me your husbands his contact information, id love to let him know what u have done behind his back. Do you ppl who cheat have any idea how hurtful, how much deceit and betrayal to your partners u are causing bc of your own insecurities. If you have the need to do these things with other ppl u need to first remember your morals (do ppl remember those Anymore?!!!) and slap yourself back into REALITY. It isn't all about you anymore when u get married. U tough it out first, and u talk to your spouse about how you are feeling and if it has to be that u seperate and finally divorce then that is the mature way to go. Not this BS where your sneaking around behind ur spouses back acting like a teenager and having emotional/physical affairs. Are we not adults who were raised knowing what's right is right and what's word is wrong. At least now that u made a huge silly mistake have enough respect for your husband who u promised to only love and be with the day u said I do, and tell him what u did and how much u liked it too and how much u still think about the young ******* (who by the way is most likely fkning around with another woman along with u, which is why he didn't call u back at certain times, duh) your husband has to know all of this, he is not your slave or your property he deserves to know and decide for himself what is right as well. It isn't all about you.

I don't think it's that simple to walk away from you marriage... Although this seems like a simple idea: You want interaction with someone outside your marriage and you start with things after you end you marriage.
It was not that simple for me and my story is almost identical to Terrilyn44. For over two years my husband was threatening to leave, every little thing he that bothered him, he took out on me. From my point of view, I wanted to be with him! I'd was in love with him whole-heartedly. We'd been married 7 years when it this started... And ultimately I saw myself as the problem that needed to be corrected for our relationship to work. It wasn't a matter of if I wanted to be with him...
KatAKing, insecure people make insecure decisions. And never ever in a million years did I think it would happen to me. Two years after having your spirit completely broken with no one to confide in, I made a very insecure decision that I do take full responsibility for.
I used to think just like you and I judged people very harshly in these instances. I am much more humble now and realize there is usually much more to the story. This is not a hookup, but someone who is hurting on the inside... Actually being in the affair moment is not a walk in the park either. Maybe the first time you feel noticed or special again is the peak but the rest of the time is spent in extreme emotional pain. I can vouch that myself and Terrilyn44 have paid our dues.

You got her all figured out?

You dont sound very sorry, your husband will be living a lie for the rest of his life if you dont tell him what you did. You must ask God to forgive you. Try to think how you would feel if 5 years ago he did that to you and you just found out. Your husband im sure loves you very much deep inside you made a huge mistake ask God to forgive you ask your husband the same you must tell him what you did.

I am in a similar situation. I want out of my marriage but I also am afraid of the uncertainty. So I stay. I am involved with another man who is engaged. I am completely addicted to him but I do not think I am in love with him. When I think about ending it (because I hate that he is with her and not me), he texts me and all my "sense" flies out a window. I rush to be with him. I am a mess. I know I should end it. I know I shouldn't have ever started it. But it is like a drug that I can't give up. Just wondering where you are now? Are you still with your husband? Do you still ache for the AP? Just wondering how things are since it looks like your original post was 2 years ago.

Tell him if you really love him, it's not going to be easy but now if you want to have any chance of bringing the passion back in your marriage then you have to tell him the complete truth. I'm not trying to sound harsh or anything but all I've heard in this piece is you going on about yourself, stop being selfish and think about your family for once and how they feel. Like you said yourself, your just as much to blame as your husband because you never would communicate with him and unfortunately you had to find out the hard way that some men will say everything you want to hear just to get you in the sack. This other guy got exactly what he wanted from you then he was done, despite what he was telling you he didn't attach emotions to this affair like you did. I'm speaking to you as a former clinical therapist when I say that you need to take a serious step back and ask yourself did you really love this guy or did you just love what he was giving you at the time physically and emotionaly. Despite what you say I can tell from your words that you do still love your husband and family VERY much and I hope you take the proper steps to get this other guy out of your life perminately and I hope everything goes good in the future for you and your family.

Things are getting tougher now...hubby is on it. He's been going through my things, cell phone records, etc. He found the number of the affair guy and called it...luckily he changed his number about a month ago. He told me he knows I had an affair, but I still cant admit to it. He has no actual proof anyway. He told me it wouldnt change the fact that he loves me no matter what and that he needs to know so that we can work on it and get through this together. I'm so torn on what to do....i just dont want to tell him for fear it will make things worse....! More later.......

Wow, quite the story!<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I can relate to you on this - although my situation didn't involve children or anyone married, but a marriage is something always to be maintained and in need of constant repair. If you love your husband the way you probably did when you guys first got married, perhaps it is salvageable. Otherwise, you will always be looking over your shoulder for the next fix.<br />
<br />
Best of luck and please let us know what develops.

Harrie...Thanks for your comment. I do understand your point of view, and I have thought about it from his perspective. He even told me that he saw that it wasn't going anywhere....he was looking for a long-term relationship with someone...someone to call his own and be with ALL the time. At first I was angry and extremely hurt by his breaking it off, but now I understand. I'm still hurt, but not angry.<br />
He came into my life at a time when I was very vulnerable, and I wanted nothing but to be with him. I was even considering leaving my husband for him...but I just couldn't give up 24 yrs and my family and everything we built together, especially since my hubby is desperately trying to make me happy now. I will always cherish the time I had with my affair guy, and a part of me will always miss him. The experience was a part of my life that I guess I needed to grow and learn from. I read your story and realize the pain that you must have went through as well. I'm trying very hard to focus on my marriage, even if the passion is gone.

If it weren't for the hurt we would probably have more affairs. Once bitten, we think twice the next time.

Thank You SM1950...I'm here for you too! :) I'm still not over the heartache of my affair guy, just when I think I'm doing good, I fall back and get emotional. I can't forget the good times we had, and it just makes me miss him so much...even knowing that he's with someone else now and doesn't care for me. I still think about him every day...I wish I could get him out of my head! I almost contacted him last night, but I stayed strong and didn't! <br />
Cycletourist....Oh I do enjoy the memories...probably too much, and I don't regret the experience at all...just gotta figure out a way to get over the hurt.

I now this post was created years ago. But are you over him? I'm only asking b/c I just got out of 6 year affair. I was willing to leave my 11 year marriage for him. However, he is taking care of his kids and he has a business to run. His wife died years ago, so now he has to get back on his feet. He is 21 years my senior. It so complex why we can't be together. I'm in school and will be for 6 more years (I want to be a doctor). So, the timing is just off. However, I know he became tired of only having me for a limited time. He needed someone who could provide him with companionship. But, he also wasn't ready to move me in. At any rate, I'm taking it really hard. I've only been with two men sexually in my life. And, he has been the best. It's just so hard getting him out of my head. For six years, he and I talk every day. It's so hard only talking with him once a month. And, it's killing me inside to think of someone else touching him.

Hmmm..I like that cycletourist!

Agree completely with what Pamperurft said. Enjoy the memories of the good times and treasure the experience. It will take time to erase the hurt. Never regret the experience.

I'm here for you terrilyn44! I know exactly what you are going through, and what you are feeling right now. Around the beginning of July, "my guy" started seeing someone we work with, and I saw them kissing at one point. I am SO ashamed to admit it, but I ended up crying later that night. Anyway, my affair guy acutually was arrested...again, late last week.

I feel your pain . . .my heart hurts every day over my guy because I have feelings for him and he only wants a *uck every now and then from me. We work together and he ignores me most of the time except for a sexual comment now and then. Today he did tell me I looked hot. I know it will eventually be over, and if I could find the strength I would end it now just so I could move on and not feel like crying every day. Today I took a late lunch and got back late and he came running to my office and asked me why was I so late, was I off *uckin. I said, "Nooooo" and he gave me a look like yes you were. I said "No, I promise" and he said, "I don't care, I was just wondering . . ." Well that hurt my feelings, those stupid tears again. But if he doesn't care, then why ask me???? I hate being so emotional!

I feel your pain . . .my heart hurts every day over my guy because I have feelings for him and he only wants a *uck every now and then from me. We work together and he ignores me most of the time except for a sexual comment now and then. Today he did tell me I looked hot. I know it will eventually be over, and if I could find the strength I would end it now just so I could move on and not feel like crying every day. Today I took a late lunch and got back late and he came running to my office and asked me why was I so late, was I off *uckin. I said, "Nooooo" and he gave me a look like yes you were. I said "No, I promise" and he said, "I don't care, I was just wondering . . ." Well that hurt my feelings, those stupid tears again. But if he doesn't care, then why ask me???? I hate being so emotional!

Ozzfreeman..<br />
Thank you for your comment. You have given me some good insight here. This experience has made me realize what you said...The grass isn't greener on the other side! I believe everything happens for a reason, and for me I believe the affair is what led me to realize that I have to tell my husband how I feel. I just wish I would have done it before I had the affair.<br />
Actually, alot of our marriage issues were my fault because I'm the one who never spoke my mind and told him how I felt. Things were great in the first 10 yrs or so, I was busy raising kids and didnt let things bother me like I do now. Now my kids are nearly grown, I've had more time to think about all the things I haven't been happy with....and it has built up over the years. I'm also going through mid life crisis and began feeling depressed about my marriage, my life....just wanting to have fun and replenish what was missing in my life....the affair brought all that to me and I felt happy again.. only for a couple of months.<br />
By the way, I have read the book that you mentioned...my husband bought it for me back in 2004. I read it in its entirety in 2 days. I didn't agree with everything I read, but I did try doing some of the things and our relationship improved, but only for a short while. I couldn't continue treating him like a prince when I was getting nothing in return. See, my husband has always had the mindset that as long as he's bringin home the bacon, that should be enough to please me. And as far as sex goes, he's always been ready and willing, but it would always be about him. He didn't do things to make me want it. I began feeling as if it was another one of my duties. About a year or so ago, I really started emotionally detaching from him. He didn't hurt my feelings anymore, when he would get mad, I didn't run off and cry, I would run off and laugh and say "whatever". It's like I didnt even care anymore. I would bash him to my friends and what's worse...even the kids. <br />
My friends told me I was too submissive and that I needed to tell him how I feel. I would never tell him because I wanted to keep peace....didn't want to get him mad because he would become such an a**hole! It got to the point where we were living like roomates. I didn't even feel he was my best friend anymore. I stayed gone alot because I didn't want to be around him. All I had to do is open my mouth and talk...but I was afraid to tell him. Well, I'm not afraid anymore, he knows everything....(except for the affair), I let it all out, didn't hold nothing back, almost hoping he would <br />
ask for a divorce. I was totally shocked when he started crying...told me how sorry he was, told me he loved me more than anything...kept apologizing over and over for a solid week! Has sent me flowers 4 or 5 times....calls me just to say I love you, brings me coffee in bed, rubs my back and hands and arms. Even brought me breakfast in bed the other morning. But all I could think to myself is...Its too late. <br />
It's been 38 days since I saw or talked to the guy I had the affair with. I found out yesterday (through someone I know) that he is now in a relationship with someone. I cried when I found out...it just hurt, but maybe that's what I needed to hear. I don't need a jerk like him in my life...I keep telling myself that. I have to move on, forget about him, and I intend to concentrate on my marriage now. I have to atleast try. What's ironic is about 20 mins after my crying spell, my husband called me to say he was just thinking about me and that he loved me. It felt good, and I cried again. <br />
Finding this site and reading other peoples stories...and reading the comments on my story has been the best therapy for me. Thank you all soo much!

Give your husband a chance before you make up your mind and also I almost gaurentee you he at least knows something went on affair wise with you, be it emotional or physical. I hope you two are able to get things back on track because despite what you said in your story it sounds like you still love him alot.

Terrilyn44, You know the affair guy is a jerk. He maybe got a dose of morals when he called you, or thought of how wrong it is for him to take part in breaking up a home. I mean like the other ladies, if you man isnt takeing care of you, and sex and romance is a big part of his job, then you should feel the chance to have a safe, and descreet affair is a fair way to deal with it, no pun intended. But all of you ladies say your man is good to you, and loves you, Terrilyn you even said you had a talk with him, and he has been better, that talk needs to be once a month. I was in your shoes, only it was my woman that got out of the habbit of doing her job. I'm not a big one for Shrinks, but "the proper care and feeding of a Husband/Wife" is a great book. In order to have any expectations of your spouse you must be doing your share of the work to keep a Love alive. Love is not just a Noun, its an action its stoping and saying OK we have kids, I know him, (and i'll bet that if you mad a list of the things you need from a man at this point in your life, your husband has more than 75% of them covered, you know him). The grass always looks greener, it aint! You can talk to him, thats clear, so are you everything he needs? are you everything he wants? Is what you saw in him when you married him, still everything you want? if not, whats change? and have you talked to him about it, (go slow, dont blow him away) (men only give all our attention to a woman we think we can please, and make happy) does he know if he makes you happy? saying it doesnt get to him. LESSON 1: Men dont believe you mean it when you complement them! We only believe what we hear you say to others, and what others tell us you say or think of us. Got it! when your friends kid you or mention something (like, oh your so lucky, "Joe", is your world, or "joe" keeps you sexed up, or You cant get enough of "joe". ) youget the picture? When he's in the garage and hears a glimps of this stuff, his ears perk up, his attention goes right to you, and his first think on his list of things to do are show you some real affection right now in front of your friend. and now that his **** feels three inches longer, he is gonna be planning on some romance or freaking to happen ASAP. I'm not at all saying how dare you have an affair, its done, and no one is the worse for it, except you! And if you would just take a moment to fing out what has changed in what you want now after all these years, and ask what has changed in him after all these years, Love for your man can be turned back into Totaly in Love with your man, and you have to agree, you didnt walk up to Affair guy, and Feel the same way about him at first sight as you say you feel about him in your story, right? Well its not the first time you have ever seen your husband, but there is a first time every day that you see him. Put as much effort into being the sexiest, most horney woman your husband could want, today and talk to him at least one time a month about these things, and see if you dont feel much more for him as you ever have for Affair guy. And it will be a lot stronger and happen just as fast. And NEVER tell him you had an affair! That doesnt do anything but make him not believe in you. Most of us men know that our wife may have had an affair, or may have one. But we dont want to know!!!! it. NOW i'm not married any longer, but even the week we got a divorce we had great sex, we never had an ugly word, we had school age kids, but not one agry word of any kind. We used one old family lawer, and I gave her every thing she wanted and more. The lawer told us what the court would want me to pay her, and I said thats not enough, lets make it this much. Three years later we are better "friends", than we ever where, ever! The short version is, I believe in God, she never has, and as you get older that becomes a bigger deal to some folks? I think. Different religions is doable, Strong understanding of God, and Utter Atheism is not something we could work around. Please feel free to dispute me, and I'm not a person who is good at conveiging Ideas, so feel free to ask me to be clearer if you would like, or dont, and have a nice life.

Hey there terrilyn44!<br />
<br />
You are not alone, and you are NOT crazy! After I read your story, I was like..wow, this sounds like mine! I had an emotional affair with an arrogant *******, who is 11 years younger than me. You should check out my story under I had an emotional affair, which is also on this site. With the exception of the summertime, my husband practically lives at his job. I've really gotten to know "my guy" over this past year, and unfortunately, he really isn't a nice person. But, I still think about him all of the time, I still feel attracted to him. My husband is a VERY nice guy, who treats me well, thinks the world of me, would do anything for me, etc...I love him, but I am not in love with him. This makes me feel bad and guilty, because other people over the past year, have said how lucky I am. During my emotional affair, I was on this "high." I feel like I really miss my "friend," and long to be close with him again. Well, this is what my heart is saying anyway. My head, and my therapist on the other hand, are telling me to keep my distance from him, and just be cordial to him at work. I can say hi if he says hi, listen if he talks to me, but don't try and get together, don't hang around him, etc...just think of him/see him as an aquaintance, just someone you work with, because overall, he treats you like crap. I miss being happy, and that sounds crazy, but...I really should have just walked away from this guy I work with, but stupid me, didn't. Anyway, like I said, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. I've had a similar experience, and am experiencing similar feelings. You should check out my stores, if you haven't done so already, under I had an affair, and I had an emotional affair.

You handled the situation very well, and I believe it will probably happen again. Next time I would suggest you say nothing to the husband, he will remember and use it against you in a court of law. I had two affairs that lasted ten years, and we know every secluded make-out spot in San diego. We learned what toys and creams to use and where to hide them. We even had our own code words for time and place. The great reward of affairs is the memories and mind pictures of great times.