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What Did You Do?

Has anyone ever had an affair.... Either fell in love or "lust"..walked away from it and made their marriage work? How did you do it? I cant even begin to think of how to do it. I want this other man so bad it hurts my heart. I do know that if I stay in my marriage it will work. I just need to get over this stage of emotions...tell me how you did it? Or how it can be done...thank you! Also, I have an amazing husband. Makes me sound even worse but he is a wonderful father and my bestfriend. I just fell out of love somewhere in there..i need serious help. I want to make my marriage work.
weboflies weboflies 22-25 22 Responses Sep 25, 2010

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How are you getting on weboflies? Apart from husband working abroad your story is so so similar to mine, I even started no contact at the same time as you! Would love to hear how you are progressing and if you ever need to chat PM me xxx

Have sex. but just tell whoever you have sex with, that when your guy comes back you will have to end it, for a while at least. who knows , he may like the idea of giving you the pleasure of both he and another guy.

And yes, I had an affair, I am divorced now. It was lust, not love, did I feel sorry yes, did I regret it yes, did I throw my marriage away, yes, was I truly in love with my husband??? The answer is no. Physically good looking yes, sex was great, but he was not a nice man, had a heart as black as night. Did I try to make it work, yes. I just woke up one morning and knew he wasn't the one for me. Sometimes commitment isn't enough, or love, you may love him and not be happy, its not that you are not satisfied with him, or your life togehter, but be careful. It is easy to get caught up in lust. And that is a mistake I know you will regret. I was married at 20, divirced a few years later. I'm 25 now, and regret I was ready to leave my ex husband for a man I lusted because he completed what my husband was not giving to me, which was communication, and confidence, and self esteem. Make your decicsion wisely. And don't have affair. But that is what is meant to be will always be. Try talking first..please, for sake of your husband and children. Good luck again.

Hello, I'm sorry, but can you ask yourself what the difference between love and lust. ? I think it is possible to fall into love and lust for another. You say your husband is the best, a great father, and your best friend, but somewhere along the line you fell out of love with him. That happens, when you ARE NOT IN LOVE FROM THE BEGINNING. (Not shouting of course). Once you fall in love, you don't fall out of it. Maybe you were close to being in love, but never reached that stage with your husband. We are all attracted to others by the physical point of view for the most part. We see great eyes, a beautiful face, a great body, a smile, whatever it may be. When you fall into lust with someone, it is just an infatuation of the physical things. We tend to not see the person inside. Sex may be better with a person you lust, or dull with the one you are with, but it makes it the most amazing because he is the one you love. To fall in love with someone, it builds overtime. We don't really fall into love at first sight, infactuation stage tends to wear off. After 6 months, then you know if its love, or not. Generally most people don't last no more than afew months before they figure out it isn't love, its lust. To love someone, you have to truly accept them, understand they are not perfect, they make mistakes. You have to forgive and not necessarily forget, but get past the hard or unfaithful times. You have to love someone more than your own life, in order to truly love another. Unless you have feelings like this toward another man, and if you don't, then do not leave the man you have commitment with. If you really want to make your marriage work, then start accepting things the way they are and do your best to make situation better. I'm sure he loves you, and I can't answer whether he is faithful to you or not. I don't know either of you. If you have problems in relationshiip, communication is a must, as well as trust. But don't let the marriage fall apart. It is easier to give up then it is to work at something, but if you truly love him, unconditionally, then it will work. Only time, and fate can tell. But whateveryou do, don't manipulate it, don't ofrce something that isn't meant to be. Best of luck to you and your family. And P.s... doesn't necessarily mean your man is lacking self esteem or self confidence. He may be feeling a vibe off of you, maybe you are lacking his self esteem, and his confidence. Be more open with him, and ask him what he is feeling for you, but also keep it in mind to tell him that you are not trying to break up with him, or hurt him. Ask him what he loves best about you, and tell him the things you love best about him too. It may be all you need to answer any of your questions.

hi, stay strong. keep your aim of making your marriage work firmly in sight, as that is what you *want*. inbetween, take a step back from it all and weigh your future gains against potential losses. you will find an answer in that.

I am so happy you are thinking postive! Somedays you will be reck but, thats okay. Think of something to do outside and surround yourself music and laughter. It does the mind good!

@ Jenga: You are right. Today I am going to work on my scrapbook. Spend some time with my son and count my blessings. I have so many positive things in my life that I have been overlooking.

hi, if you have firmly decided to put this experience behind you, you must continue to keep yourself focused on other stuff that you find enjoyable- not matter whether it's going jogging everyday with a friend or starting a macrame course. it won't bring you instant relief but it does help you stabilize your self-control and regain your balance.

@ Gentleman: I do believe I owe it to him to try. I am just conflicted because I have been tryin but the progress is very slow. I guess good things come to those who wait...right?

I am going through the same thing you are, so I can relate to your situation. I am also trying to work on my marriage of 20yrs after a 2 month affair. I honestly believe I fell in love with my affair guy, it's been 3 months now that I have had NO CONTACT with him, and yes it still hurts my heart. I knew I had to talk with my husband about my feelings and try to work things out. (He doesn't know about the affair). My husband is also a great man and father to my two children. I just wasn't getting the love and attention that I so desperately needed. The affair guy gave me everything I was missing in my life...fun, attention, laughter, passion...and mostly he made me feel good about myself. I too. have also begun to realize that I may also have a self-esteem issue here...and that I need to figure out what I want out of life and what's most important and move forward with it. Its the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life. It's also harder to work on your marriage when you still think about and have feelings for someone else. My counseling has been this website...I have received alot of great advice from people. I wish you the best!

@ Lladynyc: I will say that his job doesnt help.. It does require us to spend time apart a lot. Even when he was in the states his schedule is crazy so I spent a lot of time without him. <br />
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@ What I do know about the other guy...is he isnt half the man my husband is. I hate to say it..makes me sound a little dumb. He just does everything my husband doesnt. Im at a point where I feel like risking the things that matter to me for the other things I feel I need. Am I going to do that? No! Well, I dont plan on it. I am calling a chaplain as soon as we finish this email and going to seek counseling. Whether I am going to stay or go isnt my main problem. What I need to fix is something inside of me. I may have the self esteem issue here. What woman would take a half *** man over a damn good one? What woman would lose her sense of self worth in only a few short months? I KNOW I need to find myself in all of this. Him being away only gives me the time to do so. I want my family to survive.

@ weboflies: There's several things I see. You mention your husband's a wonderful father and your best friend. Ok, I can be ob<x>jective about your situation b/c I'm not in it, and also it sounds like I'd been married longer. (maybe not necessarily wiser, obviously because what I myself did).<br />
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Anyway I can tell you that you CANNOT, MUST NOT take these factors lightly. Also, you know how your husband is with your children; do you know how Man #2 is? And that's not even the primary consideration. I agree only to a limited extent that only you can define your happiness because you're the only one who has to live your life, yada yada yada. But that simply isn't true any more, now that children are in the picture. You willingly sacrificed selfish control over your happiness. It's not just a cliché about sacrificing a lot for your children; it's life-altering truth.<br />
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For me the thing that was the wake up call hitting me like a ton of bricks, was looking at my dear wife's tearful, uncomprehending, broken-hearted eyes as I was telling her about my affair, and how I wanted to separate. I was able ob<x>jectively to weigh 21 years against not even 21 days, and came up with "WTF are you doing, idiot?!!?"<br />
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It has taken a year of counselling and work, but we're mended and stronger now. I hope for the same for you!

You said your husband is deployed overseas, which by default is one of the hardest type of marriage to survive. you are alone too long, you are not growing together, and not experiencing the ups and downs of an everyday marraige. Don't complicate life! Do what's best for you but, understand he is gone for a long period of time to fufill those short term needs.

@ Badonkadoku: "Move forward. It's not necessarily easy, but who's to say if you chose the other man, you'd have a lasting bed of roses?" <<<<That is something else I fear...Is it really going to be any better. Or will he have some faults that eventually tear down our sex life..do I run or fix it. That is the question...hmmm..

How did I do it? Counseling. Simple to say, but not easy to do, or acknowledge needing. It's been a whole year this month. I still think about it, in the same way someone who spent time in prison might think about that a lot. Yes, I've moved on with life and my wife of 22 years. It's not always easy, but it's genuinely the best situation for my happiness. In my situation, it was the other woman who had the self-esteem issues (or at least much worse than my wife or me), and it was simply too exhausting to keep propping her up all the time. And of course I eventually had to REALLY let her down... And I'm eternally remorseful for what I did to her, and her ability to trust another man (what she said, anyway).<br />
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Move forward. It's not necessarily easy, but who's to say if you chose the other man, you'd have a lasting bed of roses? C'mon....

Thanks everyone for your input. @ Jenga: I am in the process now of trying not to speak with him at all. It has only been three days since an overly emotional phone call. I think I can do it. It is so worth the try. My husband just deployed overseas, so im very lonely which doesnt help...BUT my sister will be here so I think that will help.<br />
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@ Pamperurft: Deep in my heart I know that staying with my family is the best thing. I do know that he is only my quick fix. Im just love the high he gives me and im addicted to it. It is starting to make everything negative about him seem so damn good. Stupid I know.<br />
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@ Womaninbliss: A life with the both of them...oh no way. This has already taken my sleep and my joy. I want it to be over now. I wish I had never done it.

I think the no contact idea of jenga's is a good one. It depends on how much you want to break away from this other guy. If you are serious about it then it's worth a try. You obviously don't think that you can make a life for yourself with both men on the scene? That would be the other option. It's hard but it can be done.

Knowing deep in your heart what you really want and committing to it is the way to move forward. Don't do it for anyone else but YOU. Nobody has to live your life but you, so don't be afraid to do what you think is best for you.

Hi, in doing my own research about this topic, I came across studies related to the love hormone, oxytocin. Apparently, we get kind of addicted to the exciting sensations linked to a particular person, and one way of breaking this addiction down is to go through a 6-week period of NO CONTACT whatsoever with the ob<x>ject of one's desire, and getting actively preoccupied with some other activity, sport, work, etc. In the case of a married couple it could even be doing fun things together, 2-3 times a week. Then once the 6 weeks have been successfully overcome, you set another 6-week NO CONTACT goal - after which your oxytocin receptors should be poled to another source of pleasure and excitement. <br />
Is it worth a try?

Ask yourself why are you lusting over the other man? Since you husband is lacking self esteem in that area of your marriage you, are seeking it elsewhere. Try and fall back in love!

I have been married for 4 years. He was not a close friend before we started dating, but he became my bestfriend soon after. I honestly cant even fault him for anything except the sex (which he says he WILL make better) or his shy guy attitude. I wish when I looked at him I saw a confident man but I dont. I do know that I am killing his confidence..it is a vicious cycle. I want to stay married but not this way. What is your story?

I know exactly what you mean. How long have you been married? Was it a close friend?