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I Want Him Back, I Want Closure, Please Help!

I had an affair with a man that was 16 years older than me. It all started innocent, just friends like most affairs start. He was only married for 5 months when I met him and his wife. I've been married for 11 years. I was friends with them both but I became closer friends with him. His wife got extremely jealous of me and we ended our friendship but I still remained friends with him which she didn't know we still talked.

We were drawn to each other the minute we first met. We had this special bond that him and his wife didn't share. As time passed, we disclosed to each other that we had feelings but never acted on them until 2 years after we initially met. I would say it was an emotional affair during those 2 years before we slept together. Once we crossed that line, it went down hill from there! Not only we connected as friends but REALLY connected in the bedroom! It was amazing! Well, after we had sex the 3rd time, he told me that I have some decisions to make. That, I needed to think about leaving my husband. I told him I would for him.

I was so happy, I couldn't wait to start a new life with him. A couple days later, we had sex again (the last time), it was amazing as usual but afterwards he told me that everything has to end. That he still loved his wife, that he finally got married for the first time at 47 years old and he had to make it work. He seemed upset and told me "where were you before I got married???" I cryied, I felt confused, he led me on. I knew he was trying to do the right thing but I was positive that he loved me. I mean before, he use to tell me that he only got married because he was tired of being single and it was nice to have somebody around that could help him pay the bills. His wife has a good job! LOL

Well about a month later I found out I was pregnant, I called him and he ran from me. I kept hounding him down to try to get him to help me with money to terminate the pregancy and he would never return any of my calls. One day he called and yelled at me, said to leave him alone that what we had was only sex and nothing more. We haven't spoke since. It's been over a year now and I still can't believe he treated me this way. I still love him and want him back and/or at least want to speak to him and ask him why he ran. Recently, I found out from a mutual friend that his wife found out about us. That, he's been asking about me, driving by my house, and twice I've seen him at the store parking lot, he waived but I just ignored him. I mean why should I act like nothing happened! I keep thinking he's going to call me soon and if he does, what should I do?? Why did he run??? Did he ever truly love me??? Please help!! :(
smaddiemay72 smaddiemay72 31-35 5 Responses Oct 2, 2010

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Lady, <br />
<br />
I am a male. I almost gotten tied up with the child support system, thank God it did not happen. I felt the love of Jesus on me the whole time. I have a true story to tell. Please listen to me directly, this may shine some light on you. I do not expect sympathy from anyone. Okay? Here is how it goes: <br />
<br />
Back in 2004, I met a woman who had something strange going on in her own relationship. I do not know why she chose me. Somehow before I gotten involved with her. We met in the emails. Anyhow, I have given my girlfriend number 1 my phone number. I would never call her to chat with her. Somehow I felt like I needed to go another level. I somehow flirted with a married woman number 2. Her and I both hit it off with first sex. She would look at me complaining her thing is burning. Now her and I managed to keep on going with sex. I would estimate that I had sex with her over 25 times that night. I asked her if I could come inside her. she said yes. I said Okay. I kept on doing this. Then finally something was happening. I saw the lust was lifting off. I felt so guilty in my heart that I literally could not look at her. I had gotten this married woman pregnant. She was threatening to kill my girlfriend number 1. She even laid out all the plans. I told her its between her and I. I told her to leave my girlfriend number 1 out of the conversation. Then one my best friends pal decided to try to control me. I would not let her. Anyways, my best friend and his girlfriend decided to play with my head. I did not know what was going on. I never will do this again. I have been totally devestated to the point that if another woman was to try to sweet talk herself into my life. I will probably get up and walk off. <br />
<br />
Now to this current day, My girlfriend number 1 has stood by my side. She even told me that she cheated on me also. It made her feel empty. We both confessed to each other that we both were in the wrong. I told her that it is not necessary for her and I both to break up. She stated that she wanted to stay with me as a trial. she even had a bus ticket to go back home. Instead we made up, My mom did not want me and her to be together. My mom and her family used me for computer repairs, I had to do this johnny on the spot stuff. My girlfriend number 1 who is the disabled lady has done me alot of good. We have grown together as one. Right now today, I am feeling pretty guilty and ashamed. I never gotten her and I both a time off together to spend with each other. We never went on a honeymoon. <br />
<br />
In conclusion, I have found a place in Amarillo, Texas. I am planning to book us into a motel for 3 days and have great time between her and I next month. You know, relationships can heal. Mine and hers healed up really good. We look each other in the eye. Love still shines bright. I cannot wait for the final moment. <br />
<br />
The married woman destroyed herself with the tricks she used. Now she is unhappy, and near delusion. She sees me as happy, content, and free as a captive who is freed. She wants what I want. Now she cannot have it. I have forgotten about her since. I will never get into the second relationship without the first one being closed for sure. <br />
<br />
<br />
Never count your chicken eggs before they hatch. Its a recipe for disaster in the life. <br />
<br />
<br />
I hope I can help out with what I have. <br />
<br />
Yes relationships can come back stronger, then again, relationships can fall apart and fizzle. Its the choice on both parties. <br />
<br />
S.O.R.

As I said, I was not trying to put offense. I'm sorry you are hurt, and depressed. I'm kinda in the same situation. The best thing to do, is follow your heart, and trust your instincts. I cannot tell you who to pick and choose, but if you listen to your heart, you will surely find the answer. We, especially women, tend to get hurt easily by men, because we show more emotion and always put more work into relationships, honestly, I'm 25, and I think I have heard every lie a man has to tell, and we tend to only want to hear the things that will bring us up, instead of down. I'm terrified of those things. I came across a quote on the internet not too long ago, and I believe it was quoted from a song, it read "you ask me if I love you, and I choke on my reply. Id rather hurt you with honesty, than mislead you with a lie." And its so true. Depending on what you are looking for him to say, would you rather have him hurt you with honesty, or be angry years down the road because he mislead you with a lie? You seem like a wonderful, smart lady, and you are by far so much luckier than a lot of women in this world. You can have it all but be unhappy, and you could have nothing and happier with that. I myself had my share of losses with my husband, and I always tried to save my marriage as much as possible. I know financially times are hard, esp with children, housing, money, etc. And your other interest, seems like it would be hard to do it by himself. But why force yourself to be unhappy in a marriage.? Do you think this other man you have interest for, do you know if he's the one? Can you picture yourself loving him and waking up next to him for the rest of your lives, could you both make it together? If the answer is yes, then give it a shot. But think about it before you step in to do it. You should pick up the phone and try to talk to him, now that you have told me more, it seems like its worsth it to you, so do it. We can't erase the past, that is something permanent. Keep your mind open to what he has to say, itif you feel as if you are afraid to hear what he has to say, also keep in mind that it could be the best decision you make. It could or very well could not, turn into something you have been waiting for. I gave up a lot to be with a man I love more than the air I breathe, he's 14 yrs older than me. He tells me a lot I don't want to hear from time to time but I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life, and the only reason why he is there, is because I wanted it bad enough, and I never gave up on him. But he is all it takes to make me smile, he is what completes me. If your heart is somewhere else sweetie, trust it, and follow it. I know you both have a lot at stake but your interest (the man you want to talk to) he shouldn't be with a woman for dependency, it should be for love, and you as well sweetie. And in the end, love is the only thing that stands still when all else has fallen. Call him, he may be waiting for that. He may want to know you are interested, and it may help him to have better understanding. Put it out there how you feel, your desires, what you want, let him know what's in your heart. He may or may not feel the same way but you never know what is possible until you try. If he made the effort to come, he cares, and he's thinking about you. now he knows he hurt you, and expects you to feel that pain. PICK UP THAT PHONE GIRL! Never give up on something that you want. And remember to give him time too, I'm sure he hurt from that as well. Let me know how it goes! And I know you're scared or nervous, but I know another thing you don't want to regret is not having ever said anything to him at all. And that will hurt more. Good luck.

As I said, I was not trying to put offense. I'm sorry you are hurt, and depressed. I'm kinda in the same situation. The best thing to do, is follow your heart, and trust your instincts. I cannot tell you who to pick and choose, but if you listen to your heart, you will surely find the answer. We, especially women, tend to get hurt easily by men, because we show more emotion and always put more work into relationships, honestly, I'm 25, and I think I have heard every lie a man has to tell, and we tend to only want to hear the things that will bring us up, instead of down. I'm terrified of those things. I came across a quote on the internet not too long ago, and I believe it was quoted from a song, it read "you ask me if I love you, and I choke on my reply. Id rather hurt you with honesty, than mislead you with a lie." And its so true. Depending on what you are looking for him to say, would you rather have him hurt you with honesty, or be angry years down the road because he mislead you with a lie? You seem like a wonderful, smart lady, and you are by far so much luckier than a lot of women in this world. You can have it all but be unhappy, and you could have nothing and happier with that. I myself had my share of losses with my husband, and I always tried to save my marriage as much as possible. I know financially times are hard, esp with children, housing, money, etc. And your other interest, seems like it would be hard to do it by himself. But why force yourself to be unhappy in a marriage.? Do you think this other man you have interest for, do you know if he's the one? Can you picture yourself loving him and waking up next to him for the rest of your lives, could you both make it together? If the answer is yes, then give it a shot. But think about it before you step in to do it. You should pick up the phone and try to talk to him, now that you have told me more, it seems like its worsth it to you, so do it. We can't erase the past, that is something permanent. Keep your mind open to what he has to say, itif you feel as if you are afraid to hear what he has to say, also keep in mind that it could be the best decision you make. It could or very well could not, turn into something you have been waiting for. I gave up a lot to be with a man I love more than the air I breathe, he's 14 yrs older than me. He tells me a lot I don't want to hear from time to time but I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life, and the only reason why he is there, is because I wanted it bad enough, and I never gave up on him. But he is all it takes to make me smile, he is what completes me. If your heart is somewhere else sweetie, trust it, and follow it. I know you both have a lot at stake but your interest (the man you want to talk to) he shouldn't be with a woman for dependency, it should be for love, and you as well sweetie. And in the end, love is the only thing that stands still when all else has fallen. Call him, he may be waiting for that. He may want to know you are interested, and it may help him to have better understanding. Put it out there how you feel, your desires, what you want, let him know what's in your heart. He may or may not feel the same way but you never know what is possible until you try. If he made the effort to come, he cares, and he's thinking about you. now he knows he hurt you, and expects you to feel that pain. PICK UP THAT PHONE GIRL! Never give up on something that you want. And remember to give him time too, I'm sure he hurt from that as well. Let me know how it goes! And I know you're scared or nervous, but I know another thing you don't want to regret is not having ever said anything to him at all. And that will hurt more. Good luck.

Thank you for being so understanding, it was his baby. I had a tubelar pregnancy. I'm in my mid 30s. I've been with my husband since I was 20. My husband and I never had sex at that time as we were constantly fighting. I will listen to him if and when he calls me...LOL! I want to listen, the only reason why I ignored him was because I didn't want him to tell me something I didn't want to hear again. So many times I've almost called him, and sometimes I think it's the right thing to do by calling him but I don't know. Another reason why he won't split up (I think) is because of his financial situation. He would loose his beautiful home, etc. I'm in the same boat with my husband. I have a beautiful daughter that's 7 years old. Back then I would of made the move to leave my husband but now it's even harder because my daughter's whole life is here in her neighborhood, school, nice home. I could never afford it on my own. Anyways, I'm just confused, hurt, sad, depressed all the way around. I still can believe a 49 year old man could do such a thing to me. I truly appreciate your kindness and I will keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. :)

Did your daughter ever enter your mind when you were going around having these sex romps with this guy who got what he wanted and split. NICE GOING!

Wow, that is a situation you have . I'm sorry to hear that. I want to know, did you have the baby, and were you sure that the baby was his? I don't wish for you to take offense to that question, but you said you were married for 11 yrs. I think his sudden change of heart after the last time you two had sex, was that maybe he was, or had fallen in love with you, and that maybe he didn't want to hurt his wife. It sounds like he was protecting you, and her, and himself. Nobody knows why men do that, but they are good at doing the best they could to "not hurt women" but they do, and his yelling at you I'm sure was not what he wanted to do, he was trying to push you away. If he said where were you before he got married, it means he could not have you, and that he may have been feeling some kind of sorrow, knowing he decided to marry, and has to live with that choice he made, and it is not his wifes fault. I'm a strong believer of everything happens for a reason. But it does feel that you both made a decision to stick with eachother out of lust, in the heat of the moment when you were both at some kind of connection with eachother, in a physical way. Would it have been enough to make a new start, a new beginning ba<x>sed only on a sexual affair. Going forward now, he's been asking about you, he waited in the lot for you, but you ignored him. You should always acknowledge the person, even if they hurt you, it shows you are strong. Does not make you pushover, sometimes we have to learn to forgive and forget.maybe he has change of heart, and would like to talk to you. If he does contact you, let him talk, let him explain himself, and why he did that, and why he said what he said, only to go against it. I'm assuming you have to be late 20s or early 30s?? Not an issue, but I am mid 20s, and I have learned a lot of lessons in life by now, and from my experience says (I have been married and divorced myself) he loves you, or cares very strongly for you. Give him the chance to speak, and don't yell, just listen, its not you who owes him explanation, its him. Let him tell you how he feels. After all this is the guy you were ready to start over new with. And talk to him when you are ready to open up, but for now, let him do the talking...see where it gets you. Best of luck. If you are truly meant to be, it will work out perfectly..