Almost...but Not QuiteThe story of how I almost had an affair is the also story of how I came to be here.
I have been struggling with my relationship for a long time, trying to pretend that it was OK - hiding the truth from myself and everyone else. Trying to focus on what was good and real and true. Trying to be grateful for the concrete reality and ignore the nebulous needs.
Trying to pretend that the unmet desires in my heart and haunting my dreams were unimportant. Trying not to care that I had nothing to say to him.
Trying not to care that I couldn't get him to turn off the TV long enough for me to tell him what I really wanted and needed...trying not to be resentful he thought that his contribution to our sex life (occasionally presenting me with an erection and saying 'climb aboard') was sufficient (its not, its really not).
So I told someone else, and they were interested. I didn't have to hide the remote control to get him to listen either.
So it started with coffee (don't these things always start with coffee) and then walks, long emails, clandestine text messages and phone calls. The occasional snatched lunch. And ended up naked and sweaty in the back of my car. No we didn't quite have sex (more of a technicality than an actuality) but it opened my eyes.
I remembered who I am and decided that I didn't have to be this hermetically sealed asexual version of myself anymore.
But I decided not to go through with the affair. I told my 'friend' that I needed to sort out the mess in my life before I messed around with somebody else.
That night I googled 'is it ever OK to have an affair' - you know your life is in pretty bad shape if you have to ask a search engine for advice...
And then I found EP, and all of you. And was relieved (and saddened) to know that I am not alone. And I have been talking and reading and thinking for the last two weeks and have come to some startling personal truths:
1. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness
2. Morality is an artificially imposed construct (yes we have responsibilities, yes we have obligations to be fair and ethical) but no one else can externally decide what is right for you.
3. Sometimes you make a mistake, it doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life paying for it.
4. Unconstrained, individualistic selfish hedonism is wrong
5. So is sexless martyrdom
I have decided to leave my partner because I don't like to cheat or lie.
I have my almost affair to thank for helping me realise what was missing.
I have my EPeeps to thank for making me realise the two simple truths, 'hope is not your friend' and 'the sex people need to be with the sex people'.
MissMara is moving on.