I Just Wanted To Feel Wanted...

For a good part of our relationship my husband struggled with his confidence, he had a difficult time finding a job due to a minor leg injury that caused him a few years worth of pain. During this time I did not feel like his wife, but his caretaker, I knew he needed me but he never made me feel WANTED. We rarely shared a moment of passion, and when we did it felt to me like it was just him wanting to get off and I was there, he married me so who else would he go to? However he did have an emotional affair with a woman online...it tore me apart, this went on for nearly 6 years between the two of them and it broke me down. So I went looking for someone who felt the same in their marriage. I cheated on my husband with a married man. I finally got what I wanted, someone who wanted me for me and not because I cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned up after him and he felt obligated. Josh was a man who made me really look at myself, accept myself, he made me feel real again and not like I was living out some scripted life. Although it was only a few months I find myself thinking sometimes that I don't regret it, even though it tore my husband apart, we are still together. Although he often uses it against me, not admitting to his own flaws (yet not admitting perfection either). In some ways we have grown closer, but it will never be what it was when we were in high school and thought we could own the world together. Nows it's a constant battle of what is mine and what is his...even of the things that are ours. I have vowed to never have children with him, I won't put a child through our tumultuous lifestyle, there is no stability here.
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May 8, 2012