I Had My Very First Affair, And I'm Sort Of Lost...

I am 39 years old with an 11 year old son and have been married for 17 years. I had never been unfaithful to anyone in my life, but I have now. My husband had an affair less than 2 years into our marriage, and I found out about it 12 years ago. I stayed with him for a multitude of different reasons, but I have never dealt with it well. I went out and found this website called No Strings Attached, which is a place for married people to meet up and have discreet encounters. I thought it was crazy, but I wanted to see what was out there. Within 2 days, I met someone who I thought was pretty interesting. We started chatting online and after almost 2 weeks, we decided to meet in person. I had planned to chat with people far away from where I lived so I would never have to meet, but the man I met lives in the same state I do and was about a 1 1/2 hour drive from me. We met and had lunch, took a walk and drove up a mountain to a secluded place and parked. He kissed me, and each time he did, I pulled away. I told him that I wasn't sure this was something that I wanted to do. I told me that he wanted me and asked me to stay up there with him for a while. I didn't, I got out of there really fast and went home. We continued to talk online and on the phone and made other dates to meet. Things came up with his kids or his family, so we didn't see each other again for a bit. I really wanted to be with him, but I was just not the type of person who could go and do something like that and still be able to look myself in the mirroe without hating who I saw. He started to push. He said that we were already having an affair, we just hadn't made love yet, and he just didn't see what we were waiting for. During this time of talking, we got to know each other and began to really care for each other. We talked about everything...we shared everything...we became friends. One day, just a day before we were supposed to meet again, he told me that he and his wife had decided to try to work on their marriage, and if he was going to do that he couldn't keep seeing or talking to me. I was devistated. I asked him to still meet with me so we could talk and say goodbye in person. He refused because he knew that if we were together he wouldn't want to say goodbye, he would want to hold me and touch me and he couldn't do it since he had promised his wife he would try. I believed he meant it, but then everytime I send him a message, he responded to me. I told him that if I had known that one time we met was the last time I was going to see him, I would have given myself to him then. He kept responding to me and commenting on the things I was saying. All night I thought about him and what could have benn that was now not ever going to happen. When I got up the next morning, I started texting him again and at first he didn't respond. I told him that if he wanted me that day, he could have me. He kept responding, but he never would just tell me to come and see him. Finally, I told him that I was going to come...and he didn't tell me not to, he just got quiet. I asked him if I was making him uncomfortable and he said no, he just wasn't sure about this. I told him that if he didn't think it was good idea, then tell me and I would turn around. I told him that I wanted to see him, but I didn't want to come if it wasn't what he wanted. I gave him chance after chance to stop it, but he didn't...I was hoping he wouldn't. When I got there, I picked him up and we went back up that mountain where we had been before and I didn't stop him. We had sex outside on the hood of my car. Neither of us had ever been unfaithful before, even though both of us has a spouse who has been. We both felt guilty, but we enjoyed being there with each other. We sat and held each other and talked until we had to go home. Three days later, he tells me that we have to stop this because he feels like crap and he just doesn't think he can handle it. I got very upset because I felt like he pushed and pushed until I gave in and changed my mind and once he had what he was after, he wanted to end it. I told him exactly how I felt, and I told him my take on what was going on in his life as well as what is going on in mine. I know this isn't something that would go on forever, but to end it right after I gave in just made me believe that was all he wanted in the first place. I wrote him a long email and broke it all down for him, and he read it and told me that some of the things I said were hurtful, but the truth I told him was undeniable. He said he needs some time to absorb it all and he thanked me for telling him the truth. This weekend he has family in town for his son'r first communion, so I am not expecting to hear from him, but I just feel lost and used. I don't know what to do with this situation. I don't want to lose him...not right now. He has become very important to me. Any ideas on how I should handle this? I know he will be in touch this week, but what should I do?
lstanton lstanton
36-40, F
5 Responses May 20, 2012



You should not expect this affair to be one that is worth leaving your husband for. Don't get into a relationship just to get out of another. If your marriage isn't working, maybe you should consider getting out of it, but don't jump into another one right away. Take some time for yourself, to think things out and really figure out how to be happy. Yes, it's nice to have a partner who loves you and is everything to you. I believe we all want and strive to have that. I don't think this guy may be the right for you. You need time before committing to anyone. You owe it to yourself.

I'm not going to leave my husband for this. You are right, no one should jump from one relationship right into another one...that isn't wise.

hun, i honestly think he was just in it for sex and nothing else. For him to push you then dump you says it all! Keep your chin up! You know you got it in you so don't be pushed around by another married guy! Find someone else!

He sounds very emotionally manipulative, and therefore you need to keep your distance. You fear losing him because you fear losing the validation you get from the relationship you have with him. Also, you are perhaps a bit infatuated, and you are deeply affected by the chemical cocktail buzzing in your brain. <br />
<br />
I know it's painful, and it's not what you want to hear, but you need to put the breaks on. In my experience, it takes about 9 weeks to lose that "jonesing" feeling, but after you feel SO much better, and wonder why you felt to attached to him. <br />
<br />
Also, did you start this affair to get back at your husband for his affair 15 years ago? If that's the case, you need to work through that if you plan on staying married.

You're right. No, I did not do it to get back at my husband. His affair is in the past and I know that.

I was interrupted when I was responding earlier. You might be right about the infatuation thing. I need to get my head on straight in this situation. Both of us are married and plan to stay that way. Thanks for responding.

I think you need to find out why you need this guy in your life if you already have a husband. It's easy to fall in love with someone else when you are unhappy with your current spouse. Trust me when I say that your husband will not be as understanding as you were with his mistake. If you want to remain married, you need to talk to a therapist to help heal yourself and leave this guy alone. I chose to leave the marriage and even though I never actually met my online friend I was put through the ringer by my ex's attorney. Like you, my ex had affairs, but I was the one who had to fight for custody of my children. In this society, if men act bad, it's expected but if a woman does the same thing, she is a bad mother. This friend does not sound like he is going to stick around when you truly need a friend. I wish you the best.

I know that is what I need to do. I think I just needed to hear someone else say it. I am going to do what I need to do. My husband wouldn't dare try to fight me for my son, but I am going to do what I need to.