To Break Up With My Wife Or Not? Pleeeeease Help

Hi -

I've noticed that most posters in here are women, but my story is not very different.
I've been with my wife for 18 years. we have three children. ever since teh first one was born my wife turned all of her passion and loving to our kids. I didn't fight enough to get our relationship on track. We barely had sex (maybe 3 times a YEAR, three terrible ones, just to say we did) and we didn’t have much passion. On the other hand we’ve been great partners to raising our children, we got along pretty well and enjoyed our family life to a very high degree. We have barely noticed that a romantic love and passion is missing. I’ve been faithful all my life and didn’t respect people who didn’t. well, as you can guess I fell into the trap. I felt terrible at first and got really depressed and disgust with myself. After I got over it I realize that there is a reason for me doing it and I should keep going, to find out where my heart and intuition lead me to. I fell in love in her and started to realize what was missing in my marriage to a great extent. She wants a real relationship, not a hidden one and therefore won’t continue the affair, as much as she loves me. we’ve been in contact (mostly not physical) since then for about 4 months, making a total of 6 months we knew each other.
At first, I wanted to use that opportunity to save my marriage and get it to a new level. Whatever we tried (went to therapy, romantic vacation) I didn’t try hard enough, my heart was elsewhere.
At this point we (me and the other one) love each other very much and we find each other a great fit from so many different aspects. On the other hand I don’t feel like a love my wife anymore.

It would be a no brainer , I should have just left my wife, but I do have three kids which I really love. My parents went through a divorce and I know how it screwed my life. I won’t live with someone I don’t love just for my kids, but I do sense that they deserve a real “fight” rather than giving up too easily.

I really don’t want to look back a few months later with a broken family and think how stupid it was and regret it all my life. On the other hand, the “other” is now dating someone (she doesn’t love) and I know that if I continue taking my time to figure out my next step further (4 months already), I may lose the love of my life and be much more miserable, wither with a wife I don’t love or alone without my kids.

How do you try to love your wife when you already love someone else?
I would love to hear similar stories and get some of your thoughts on this tough case...

stripypants stripypants
36-40, M
1 Response May 21, 2012

i generally agree with tashaserenity. You don't have a clue about "true love", i don't mean to be harsh there butyou really don't. you found someone you connected to and she filled a void and it is exhilerating. but don't let lust and momentary lapses lead you down the wrong path.<br />
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on the way home from work, buy your wife some roses, get her her favorite chocolate and take her to dinner. when she asks whats going up? just tell her that you miss the romance you once had and want to rekindle it. then go to work on your romantic side and re-connect with your wife. just pray she hasn't found a "Rooster" of her own.<br />
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as for the "love of your Life", respect her, remember her but absolutely leave her in your past.<br />
<br />
good luck..

thank you for the quick replies.
I've been trying to do all that for a few months. we've started going to counseling, we went on a romantic weekend and i've had a month of absolutely no communication with the other, having in mind that the marriage has the utmost priority. Bottom line is that I didn't find myself being able to love, care and get attracted to my wife throughout that time. It is very easy to you'll say dump the girl, carry on with your life, however would you want to live with someone you can't get to love?

I guess it comes down to, whether I really don't love my wife, or something in my prevents me from feeling anything to her, as my heart wants someone else. I can't seem to figure our which of the two is the case (can't expect you to tell me either, but I am glad i can share :-))