Is This Cheating?

My husband and I were having problems and when I tried to talk to him about them or suggest counseling he rejected me. So I started texting this guy that I dated a while back. We would text back and forth while I was at work everyday and some of the text messages were steamy. Well one night I was putting the kids to bed and I asked him to bring me my cell phone not thinking about the fact that I never erased any of the text messages from the other guy. Well my husband looked through my phone and found the messages and was steaming angry. He stormed in the room and punched the wall and asked me what have I been doing (meaning behind his back). I was so scared I thought to myself oh no he must have found something! He claims that I was acting distant from him and it made him want to go through my phone. He claimed that he did not look at all the text messages because he was extremely angry especially at what else he might find out by reading the messages so he stopped--thank goodness he did not read the steamy messages. He started treating me really mean and nasty and claimed that I had been disloyal to him but I feel like well I never met up with the guy or anything further even though he wanted to meet up with me. I thought about meeting up with him but I did not tell my husband that and I shamefully had lusty thoughts over the guy. I do love my husband and am attracted to him but our marital problems just build up so much sometimes that when we talk we get no where and I feel angry and resentful. My husband through this text message situation in my face a lot but claims he is over it now but I don't know--this happened about 2yrs ago. So is this cheating or not?-- because my husband feels that it is
newusnow newusnow
31-35, F
3 Responses May 24, 2012

Yes. Not what you want to hear. You said YOU reached out to the other guy. And thought about meeting. As one thinks one is. So yes.<br />
<br />
Now you did blow an opportunity. Waiting a few days and saying Now that I have your attention are you ready to listen? As you can see you can be replaced, I am not interested in replacing you but if we can not come together on a few things with an understanding then I will have no choice but to think about a replacement. It is that serious. Are you now ready or do you prefer packing?

No it is not cheating, but it shows that you have porblems in your relationship. Every human being needs love, affection and sex in different amounts. These are basic needs and if you don't get what you need from your relationship, it is perfectly normal to look elsewhere. However, it's also "more or less" normal to first discuss the issues and try to solve them with your partner - otherwise what's the point of marriage.<br />
<br />
In your very first sentence you said that you tried talking with him but he rejected the idea. If you've tried to approch the subject more than once, if you've stayed cool and looked for the right opportunity to bring the subject up without hurting his feelings, and he still refuses to talk to you about it, then you have no choice but to think and act in you're own interests.<br />
<br />
Obviously you need more than you have, and nobody can expect you to be miserable for the rest of your life. I have a lot more to say on the subject, but I have no idea if you're interested - PM me if you are. Marriage is not easy, but it will never work if it's a one-sided thing. There are lots of people venting on EP about marriage problems. The saddest by far are all those where it's crystal clear that only one person is willing to work at it!

Pretty damn close to cheating. If he hadn't found it you probably would have met up with him and cheated so...yes and no. It is a red flag that you two are not communicating about what matters most for each other, and need to actively do something about that misunderstanding. If either of you neglects this dire fact then the whole relationship is in danger.