Saying Goodbye For The Final Time...

I have been reading the stories on here and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you.  Even though our stories are not the same and we all have different feelings towards the decisions we made,  I can honestly say I know how you feel and as I am writing this now, my heart is breaking.  I have been married to a man that I really don't even know anymore, and do not want to get to know.  I fell out of love and can honestly say I haven't loved for a long, long time. I have hit rock bottom and I have been so lonely and miserable for so long and knew that one day when my kids were older that I would make the decision to leave.  I too had an affair, and I would love to be able to say that I regret all that of what I did and that I was going to fix things with my husband, but I can't say that. I was always the one to say that I would never do that when I had friends that did.  I couldn't understand why they would want to be unfaithful because I wasn't in their shoes, so I didn't understand.  I was so busy raising my children and trying to make their lives as good as I knew.  I stopped living for me, let myself go, and my happiness and put my needs to the side and started focusing on their needs.  I was a mom that is what I was supposed to do right?  Well, my kids are teenagers now, and never at home, which left me at home with the man that I didn't even want to be around.  I had grown apart and had realized I was living with a stranger, a stranger so cold, and selfish and uncaring.  My heart and soul became empty.  I was starving for attention that I knew he couldn't give me and honestly didn't want from him at all.  
I never saw the affair coming.  We have talked for a few months, and the more I talked to him the more I wanted to see him, be with him, feel his touch, hear his voice.  I made up excuses to go see him, we were always running out of something around the house that I just had to go get at that very moment.  We shared nights of passion, I would slip in late at night like a teenager and get a few hours of sleep before I had to go to work.  I was on cloud 9.  This last weekend, his wife was out of town. Yes, he is married too!  We went out on the town and I was not concerned at all that my husband was at home and me being out with another man.  I had no cares, worries and honestly I just didn't want the night to end. I didn't care who saw me that I might know and go running back to tell my husband, I didn't care if I was caught at all. I laughed, smiled and couldn't stop just staring in his eyes. I was wrapped in every word he said.  The night was about me, I was his woman.  We shared small talk, feelings and yes the best sex I have ever had.  I woke up Monday morning knowing what I needed to do.  I knew that first, it was time to be honest with myself and think about what I wanted for once, and realize that the man I lived with was just that.  It was time to end this dead end life.  It was time I was happy.  I knew the only way to do that was to just put one step forward and take the leap.  
Since I have filed for a divorce, these last few days have been awful!  My heart and mind are both on the same page.  I realize I am falling for the man that I give my all too.  I shared things with him that I have never shared with anyone, not even my own husband.  I know I am not in love with him, but I do know I care deeply for him.  He has showed me there is life out there, that I can have a sense of freedom, I can feel young, and yes one day I can have someone that wants to love me and not try to control me. I have tried to keep my composure, be strong like I always am, keep that smile on my face that is so fake because I don't want anyone to see how bad I am hurting inside.  All I really want to do is be in someone else's arms and just cry, let all my frustrations, fears, loneliness, anger all go.
I figured the only way that I was going to be able to do this the right way was to let the man that I wanted to be with know that I needed time to clear my head.  I didn't want him to be the decision maker or me make a unclear decision and I didn't want to leave because of the nights we shared together.  I wasn't leaving the life I had vowed to stay in for him.  I wanted to choose for me and what I felt.  I can honestly say I have done nothing but cry.  Not cry because I am sad over my decision, but cry because I miss this man so much.  I haven't had any support in the decision I have chosen and the new life that I want.  I have lost a lot of friends, and family members because no one has walked in my shoes and they think this is something that I can get over.  I have them telling me how I need to put my selfish needs to the side.  I really don't know what I am doing, which I don't understand how they can know?  I feel like a robot right now.  I go to work, come home and cry myself to sleep just to get up and do it all over again the next day.  I have a husband doing everything he can to make me stay, promising me the world and how he can change.  Inside, I just do not care!  I don't think if he changed then, he will change now.  I don't want to make this work.  
I miss everything about this other man, and I know his marriage is not good.  He has told me several times he is only there for his child.  I don't think anything could ever become of me and him, but I do thank him for what he did for me.  I got my bravery back, I realized there is more and we don't have to settle with misery.  We can choose to live and be happy.  I decided I choose to live!  Maybe one day, when all this is over, when I can honestly say my head is cleared and my heart is ready that we can have that night of passion again.  I can be in his arms, but next time maybe for good!  I have chosen me!
Painthatwontgoaway Painthatwontgoaway
36-40, F
7 Responses Jun 13, 2012

I understand your pain and have felt something similar in mine. The elation of a lover and friend that you connect with and the agony of not having the same at home. I'm not trying to figure out how to move on without having my world, the children's, and my wife's totally collapse into a black hole. Hardly anyone, family or friends, truly understands my pain and would support me leaving. <br />
You're very courageous and I have a lot of respect for you and what you're doing. Stay strong.

I totally can relate to ur story... I wish I could end mine but I cant do it....

my story is very different than yours but your choice heartens and encourages me. you did the right thing by stepping away from this other man to make this decision - no matter how much you want him, love him, reality is it may never be, but youll always have to live with yourself and what you did. it sounds like you made the right decision for you, and to have the courage to do so with the total lack of support from loved ones that you describe is very impressive. just remember that the marriage that you have is what you teach your children that marriage is. by leaving you are teaching them to aim for better. i wish you lots of luck, you undoubtedly have a long journey ahead, but one day the sun will shine for you again, in a way it couldnt have if you continued to ignore your heart.

I understand your story as well. I am so sorry that you are going through this hell right now. I, like you, left my husband but I stayed with my mm and now he is gone too. The pain of not only having the man you love sharing every moment with is not there as well as a husband and what you have known for years. Its like a double divorce. Or double death. Your right though, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit. When you said you were doing this for yourself I smiled. That is exactly what you should do. When your divorce is final and you have had this time for yourself you will be glad you handled this situation the way you have. I wish I would have done the same, I relied on my mm for so much emotional support that when his wife found out and he left me recently I have been left standing in a whirl wind of pain but still have to deal with the divorce. My husband does not want a divorce either and promises change too. Like yours mine has changed some but the same issues come back. Besides that...I am not in love with him anymore just like you. I know you are in a lot of pain, pain that can't be described, but know you are taking care of yourself and that is the best decision. The rest will follow. PROUD OF YOU!!!!

I've been through this and you've captured the feelings so vividly. it's not an easy decision to make. but, only you know what makes you happy. people can give advice or even criticize you, but they aren't you. <br />
<br />
when all is over, you have to be happy with your choices. I questioned everything once I made the decision to leave him. I almost let him come back home. but, now time has passed and I know I made the right decision. he always made promises to change and sometimes he did change. but the same issues would keep coming back. It does get better, but it takes time. hang in there!

Taking that one small step to end an unfulfilling marriage takes a LOT of courage. You will come out stronger in the end. Just keep listening to your heart, your answers are all there!

This is a hard one to get over: "Inside, I just do not care! I don't think if he changed then, he will change now. " Personally, I wanted to love only my husb years b4 I stepped out. Then I started not caring.

I have been married 16 years. I married at 19. I have been in a very emotional and mental abusive marriage the whole time. I have heard "I am sorry, I will change" so many times. I have been thrown in walls, had stuff thrown at me, had many weekends where he was so angry and put me through a nightmare. I did love him and did forgive him for so many years that eventually I am sorry wasn't enough. I feel I gave a fair chance, gave my all, but my all just wasn't what I could give anymore. I begged for counseling, church, help and he didn't want any of that. He started drinking about a year ago. He started on Friday night and didn't stop until Sunday evening. He would get so drunk he would be in the front yard stumbling, being mean, threatening to kill himself because we would get in fights. I would beg him to stop drinking and he would get so mad at me and tell me that I needed to shut up he knew what he was doing. I drew the line when he let my daughter know everything was her fault. When I told him I was done, didn't want no more he decided to stop drinking. It doesn't matter now, the damage is done and it can't be fixed.