Saying Goodbye For The Final Time...I have been reading the stories on here and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you. Even though our stories are not the same and we all have different feelings towards the decisions we made, I can honestly say I know how you feel and as I am writing this now, my heart is breaking. I have been married to a man that I really don't even know anymore, and do not want to get to know. I fell out of love and can honestly say I haven't loved for a long, long time. I have hit rock bottom and I have been so lonely and miserable for so long and knew that one day when my kids were older that I would make the decision to leave. I too had an affair, and I would love to be able to say that I regret all that of what I did and that I was going to fix things with my husband, but I can't say that. I was always the one to say that I would never do that when I had friends that did. I couldn't understand why they would want to be unfaithful because I wasn't in their shoes, so I didn't understand. I was so busy raising my children and trying to make their lives as good as I knew. I stopped living for me, let myself go, and my happiness and put my needs to the side and started focusing on their needs. I was a mom that is what I was supposed to do right? Well, my kids are teenagers now, and never at home, which left me at home with the man that I didn't even want to be around. I had grown apart and had realized I was living with a stranger, a stranger so cold, and selfish and uncaring. My heart and soul became empty. I was starving for attention that I knew he couldn't give me and honestly didn't want from him at all.
I never saw the affair coming. We have talked for a few months, and the more I talked to him the more I wanted to see him, be with him, feel his touch, hear his voice. I made up excuses to go see him, we were always running out of something around the house that I just had to go get at that very moment. We shared nights of passion, I would slip in late at night like a teenager and get a few hours of sleep before I had to go to work. I was on cloud 9. This last weekend, his wife was out of town. Yes, he is married too! We went out on the town and I was not concerned at all that my husband was at home and me being out with another man. I had no cares, worries and honestly I just didn't want the night to end. I didn't care who saw me that I might know and go running back to tell my husband, I didn't care if I was caught at all. I laughed, smiled and couldn't stop just staring in his eyes. I was wrapped in every word he said. The night was about me, I was his woman. We shared small talk, feelings and yes the best sex I have ever had. I woke up Monday morning knowing what I needed to do. I knew that first, it was time to be honest with myself and think about what I wanted for once, and realize that the man I lived with was just that. It was time to end this dead end life. It was time I was happy. I knew the only way to do that was to just put one step forward and take the leap.
Since I have filed for a divorce, these last few days have been awful! My heart and mind are both on the same page. I realize I am falling for the man that I give my all too. I shared things with him that I have never shared with anyone, not even my own husband. I know I am not in love with him, but I do know I care deeply for him. He has showed me there is life out there, that I can have a sense of freedom, I can feel young, and yes one day I can have someone that wants to love me and not try to control me. I have tried to keep my composure, be strong like I always am, keep that smile on my face that is so fake because I don't want anyone to see how bad I am hurting inside. All I really want to do is be in someone else's arms and just cry, let all my frustrations, fears, loneliness, anger all go.
I figured the only way that I was going to be able to do this the right way was to let the man that I wanted to be with know that I needed time to clear my head. I didn't want him to be the decision maker or me make a unclear decision and I didn't want to leave because of the nights we shared together. I wasn't leaving the life I had vowed to stay in for him. I wanted to choose for me and what I felt. I can honestly say I have done nothing but cry. Not cry because I am sad over my decision, but cry because I miss this man so much. I haven't had any support in the decision I have chosen and the new life that I want. I have lost a lot of friends, and family members because no one has walked in my shoes and they think this is something that I can get over. I have them telling me how I need to put my selfish needs to the side. I really don't know what I am doing, which I don't understand how they can know? I feel like a robot right now. I go to work, come home and cry myself to sleep just to get up and do it all over again the next day. I have a husband doing everything he can to make me stay, promising me the world and how he can change. Inside, I just do not care! I don't think if he changed then, he will change now. I don't want to make this work.
I miss everything about this other man, and I know his marriage is not good. He has told me several times he is only there for his child. I don't think anything could ever become of me and him, but I do thank him for what he did for me. I got my bravery back, I realized there is more and we don't have to settle with misery. We can choose to live and be happy. I decided I choose to live! Maybe one day, when all this is over, when I can honestly say my head is cleared and my heart is ready that we can have that night of passion again. I can be in his arms, but next time maybe for good! I have chosen me!
Painthatwontgoaway 36-40, F 7 Responses 3 Jun 13, 2012