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Part 3: We're Both Guilty, So Why Is It All My Fault?

I convinced him to stay under the guidelines that we would both get help and go to marriage counseling. It got better for a bit and we started counseling. He went to one session, refused to go back and asked for a divorce. I continued going as I honestly wanted to save my marriage. Even despite everything I had done to hurt him, it was never emotional, I never loved anyone else, I never wanted to love anyone else. I continued to go alone even as he would call me names daily, stopped coming home at night and got drunk every night. He threatened to move out for 3 months but would try to be sweet one day and a jerk the next. I expected Christmas to be horrible but he surprised me with over$200 in gifts for me. I held a huge birthday party for him with all his friends at his favorite bar. I thought we were on the road to being civil.
Then one day he was gone, got an apartment and moved. From that day he has been nothing but awful to me. I begged him not to leave. I pleaded with him to go to counseling with me and I apologized to no end. I took all men off my facebook and my phone I cuts ties with anyone he could be jealous of. None of it mattered. He told my friends I cheated, he screamed at me in front of my children, he sent me countless texts about how horrible a person I am. He went on a trip to las Vegas and never told me who with or why.
He did everything he could think of to punish me for what I did, not realizing I was punishing my self too. I lost 20 lbs, started depression meds and cried myself to sleep for weeks. Then out of the blue I get flowers for valentines day from him. The next month he's threatening to cut my phone and satellite off bc he hates me. In march he had threatened me enough and told me many time he wanted a divorce so I went to a lawyer. I talked about my options but didn't file anything.
The next day my husband calls almost crying, he doesn't want a divorce, he wants to work it out but he doesn't know how. He agrees to go to counseling with me once. We go, I let him lead the conversation so he can get it out , he again tells me he won't go back. We try to go on a date. He doesn't speak to me the whole night and I waste $200 on dinner. After a few months of back and fourth wavering on his part, I still don't want a divorce as I believe we can make it work, I get tired of his verbal abuse and tell him so. Around that time he went on vacation to jamaica, where we had gone on our honeymoon, without regards to how I would feel at all. When he got back we continued to fight dial through text messages and one day he says that if I don't file for divorce he will eat a bullet! I file the next day. Again his attitude changes and he become sort of civil, even accompanies the kids and I to dinner once. Then, out of the blue, I get a message from the wife of his ex-best friend. My husbad felt the need, after 15 months of trying to get over the affair, to tell the mans wife who is pregnant at this point and doesn't need the drama. I let it go bc mentioning it to him would do no good. In. The mean time he tells me he is no longer attracted to me and doesn't wanna be with me again ever. A few weeks go by and all of a sudden he's calling me about my cell bill bc I sent a ton of texts late at night. Some were to my best girlfriend and some were to my best male friend who lives 4hr away and works nights (no possibility for relationship just talk). So he's mad bc he thinks, I'm with someone, forgetting about the single woman his occasionally has dinner with. Anyway, the next day, I wake up to a disconnected cell phone. I try to talk to him about it and he refuses to turn it on so my parents agree to help me get one. When I go to pick up my phone at my parents the next day, my mom informs me that my husband came by there and told them everything. I'm furious, he had no right to do that, what the he'll was he thinking! And I'm sure he didn't mention any of his indiscretions, just mine. When I ask him why, he says he didn't want them to think he left me bc they are his family too, I remind him that he wanted this divorce and they are no longer his family and he has crossed a big line. Now he is telling me that we need to be civil for the kids and just get the divorce over with. I thing He has finally hurt me to the extent that he kept trying for, he has finally been able to get back at me for what I did, I think he is content now. What do I do? I realized 16 months ago when I ended that relationship that my husband was want I wanted, for my kids to have both parents happy and in love. I realized how wrong and horrible I had been and dedicated myself to my family again. Now after all this, I still want that, I still love him, I still believe counseling could help. I'm so mad at myself, I'm angry at him, I'm mad that he doesn't get his kids when he says he will, I'm mad that he hasn't helped with their bills I'm mad that he seems to just forgotten about us except when people are looking. Why do I love him? How can I still want him? And can i ever express my regretfulness for what I did to him?
Depressedmom22 Depressedmom22 26-30, F 3 Responses Aug 4, 2012

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Thanks, I agree with most of what you said. I am letting him go, as I filed for divorce to make him happy, that's all I really want is for him to be happy. I just wish it was with me. We tried a date once, he was so determined to make it fail that he didn't talk the whole night. He has agreed to try counseling again for the simple reason of learning to be civil for the kids, not to save our relationship.

I feel like I just read something my ex husband posted. My ex husband did the things you did. I flipped out like your current husband. Honestly I have been in your shoes, the best thing I ever did was walk away. Once my ex cheated it was a never ending cycle, he promised and swore he would never do it again. Things would be great for a little while. Then he would do it again, I think he is a serial cheater, and I think you are as well. Please don't take that the wrong way. I have cheated before so I am no saint myself. Look at your history of this man and that man, during the time you have been married. This is never going to work unless you fix yourself. something is wrong this isn't normal for a married women or man. I have been married and divorced twice and been through hell. I don't think your husband is punishing you. By him telling your family you got angry because the truth came out. You know it's wrong on so many levels but yet it didn't stop you at the time from doing any of it. If you were really worried about people finding out you would have stopped and thought long and hard before you did any of it. I thought about it all after I cheated, and when I cheated guess who was to blame? Me! When word got out there it was me who cheated, I deserved what I got. Your husband sounds so angry and hurt. He sounds like he is unsure of your relationship with him, and he just keeps going back and forth in his mind on what he should do. It sounds like he still loves you but there comes a time in everyone's life where enough is enough. It sounds like your husband has had enough. Some times we don't see what we have until it's gone. We don't think about how sorry we are and how bad we screwed up until it's to late. It's not all your fault at all!!!! It's just as much as his as it is yours. This is where cheating leads you to anyone and all who is reading this. There is no happy ending. No matter what someone is going to get hurt and things will become a hot mess real quick. I think there has been to much done to save anything at this point. But who knows you two could shock everybody and work through these hard times. But you say you love him? Do you love him enough to let him go? Let him move on and find someone else and be happy? Because he isn't happy, and everyone deserves to be happy. You deserve to be happy and feel loved and cared for and respected and taken care of. You are not a horrible person! Trust me I have done some of the things you have and I let my ex husband go. I figured even if we worked this mess out in our married there was still going to be trust issues, respect issues, and anger. In the end we could never go back where we once were so I filed for divorce and moved on with my life. Other than that I told you some of my story and what I did and what I think. But it's your life and you have to make a choice. You can keep trying to get him to forgive and get back together. You could give him space and let him come back from the deep end. He is full of anger and other issues. Let him calm down and don't keep in contact with him much and see what happens. If that's already going on then I don't know. But what you said about the kids, he might be keep his distance from them to avoid you, that is very possible. There is something else I wanted to mention a friend of mine last year cheated on his wife and she found out. He moved out and he tried for months to get her back. Finally she agreed to have date nights with him. Well they been dating since. Just here and there a few nights a week. His wife will not take him back until he proves himself. Maybe you can bring this up to your husband? I don't know just an idea sweetie.

I know it's a long story and I'm a horrible person. But I really want some feedback on this. Thanks!

You have made mistakes, we all do. We have all been horrible to some extent and those of who think they havent are lying to themselves. First, forgive yourself. You cant move on if you cant forgive yourself. Second, forgive him. He may have been completely sh*tty but you cant dwell on that. Third, get a poster board and write down what you want love to feel like, be open and honest with yourself...love who you are, because who you are is beautiful. You are a human being you have flaws like the rest of us. Let him go, love your children and yourself. And when you are ready love a new man and move on with your life. The truth is, is that you two are toxic for each other and you may not want to hear it but its true... Forgive yourself and start love over...Just let him go!