Part 3: We're Both Guilty, So Why Is It All My Fault?

I convinced him to stay under the guidelines that we would both get help and go to marriage counseling. It got better for a bit and we started counseling. He went to one session, refused to go back and asked for a divorce. I continued going as I honestly wanted to save my marriage. Even despite everything I had done to hurt him, it was never emotional, I never loved anyone else, I never wanted to love anyone else. I continued to go alone even as he would call me names daily, stopped coming home at night and got drunk every night. He threatened to move out for 3 months but would try to be sweet one day and a jerk the next. I expected Christmas to be horrible but he surprised me with over$200 in gifts for me. I held a huge birthday party for him with all his friends at his favorite bar. I thought we were on the road to being civil.
Then one day he was gone, got an apartment and moved. From that day he has been nothing but awful to me. I begged him not to leave. I pleaded with him to go to counseling with me and I apologized to no end. I took all men off my facebook and my phone I cuts ties with anyone he could be jealous of. None of it mattered. He told my friends I cheated, he screamed at me in front of my children, he sent me countless texts about how horrible a person I am. He went on a trip to las Vegas and never told me who with or why.
He did everything he could think of to punish me for what I did, not realizing I was punishing my self too. I lost 20 lbs, started depression meds and cried myself to sleep for weeks. Then out of the blue I get flowers for valentines day from him. The next month he's threatening to cut my phone and satellite off bc he hates me. In march he had threatened me enough and told me many time he wanted a divorce so I went to a lawyer. I talked about my options but didn't file anything.
The next day my husband calls almost crying, he doesn't want a divorce, he wants to work it out but he doesn't know how. He agrees to go to counseling with me once. We go, I let him lead the conversation so he can get it out , he again tells me he won't go back. We try to go on a date. He doesn't speak to me the whole night and I waste $200 on dinner. After a few months of back and fourth wavering on his part, I still don't want a divorce as I believe we can make it work, I get tired of his verbal abuse and tell him so. Around that time he went on vacation to jamaica, where we had gone on our honeymoon, without regards to how I would feel at all. When he got back we continued to fight dial through text messages and one day he says that if I don't file for divorce he will eat a bullet! I file the next day. Again his attitude changes and he become sort of civil, even accompanies the kids and I to dinner once. Then, out of the blue, I get a message from the wife of his ex-best friend. My husbad felt the need, after 15 months of trying to get over the affair, to tell the mans wife who is pregnant at this point and doesn't need the drama. I let it go bc mentioning it to him would do no good. In. The mean time he tells me he is no longer attracted to me and doesn't wanna be with me again ever. A few weeks go by and all of a sudden he's calling me about my cell bill bc I sent a ton of texts late at night. Some were to my best girlfriend and some were to my best male friend who lives 4hr away and works nights (no possibility for relationship just talk). So he's mad bc he thinks, I'm with someone, forgetting about the single woman his occasionally has dinner with. Anyway, the next day, I wake up to a disconnected cell phone. I try to talk to him about it and he refuses to turn it on so my parents agree to help me get one. When I go to pick up my phone at my parents the next day, my mom informs me that my husband came by there and told them everything. I'm furious, he had no right to do that, what the he'll was he thinking! And I'm sure he didn't mention any of his indiscretions, just mine. When I ask him why, he says he didn't want them to think he left me bc they are his family too, I remind him that he wanted this divorce and they are no longer his family and he has crossed a big line. Now he is telling me that we need to be civil for the kids and just get the divorce over with. I thing He has finally hurt me to the extent that he kept trying for, he has finally been able to get back at me for what I did, I think he is content now. What do I do? I realized 16 months ago when I ended that relationship that my husband was want I wanted, for my kids to have both parents happy and in love. I realized how wrong and horrible I had been and dedicated myself to my family again. Now after all this, I still want that, I still love him, I still believe counseling could help. I'm so mad at myself, I'm angry at him, I'm mad that he doesn't get his kids when he says he will, I'm mad that he hasn't helped with their bills I'm mad that he seems to just forgotten about us except when people are looking. Why do I love him? How can I still want him? And can i ever express my regretfulness for what I did to him?