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Somtimes...

I was a teenage mother, married at a young age to my high school 'sweetheart'.

We grew up in a small town, and I wanted adventure. We moved around alot, he was in the military. The military slowly changed him, made him hard, difficult, selfish, angry, manipulative.


the man I loved slowly disappeared into someone that I grew to hate, despite sharing two children with him. he worked all the time, and I stayed home and took care of our kids, but never got the respect or love I wanted. he always had hobbies, other things he would do, but would never share with me, the things I loved either. And it always had to be his way. He tried to inflict his predjudices on me, he tried to make my children predjudiced against other races, he tried to stop me reading all the time, tried to berate me for using words that he didn't know, tried to prevent me from embarassing him, because he was so proud. He used me, as a carer for his children, telling me that to work would cause us hardship. He was vindictive, controlling. He never hit me, but then... he didn't have to.

Turns out after 7 years the man I married was nothing like me.

I met a man online, on a telnet gaming server, from far away that I quickly became friends with. And for a long time thats all it was, friends chatting online about friend stuff, every day things, things we enjoyed, things we didn't. Then one day when I suffered another spate of neglect, I left my husband. The first person I called was the man I'd made friends with, who lived oh so far away. I felt deep fear for the first time.

My ex, he hounded me. Threatened to take my kids away, threatened to send the cops after me if I left state lines, said horrible things. Then begged, and pleaded and cried, and promised me to change, and promised he would be more of a partner to me, instead of a roomate.

Eventually I went back. But I was afraid, I was 25, never had a job, never had much of a social life. I had no family, just me, my kids and the husband I hated.

After that, a very intense love affair started, and I couldn't pull myself away. My lover was warm, attentitve, eloquent, kind, understanding, sensitive, sweet, and a fantastic lover, despite the distance and incredibly sexy to me.

 It went on for a long time. Chats online, phone calls. One or two visits where I went away to a 'friends' for a couple weeks. (I've never known such torment. To love someone, who I shouldnt. To hate someone that I shouldn't. To hate myself for being weak, for lacking courage. It went on so long that I am ashamed at not having left my husband sooner.

I had agonized over whether to tell him. I agonized over whether I would be able to keep my children, how I would be able to afford to stay in the area, so he could see them regularly, I tortured myself. I cried so many tears, and then came a long period of alcoholism, to try and hide from myself what I was doing, to try and falsify happiness. Finally I felt I had to do something. I put myself back in school, and got my diploma. I started working, and just as I thought I might get free, might be able to stand on my own feet and leave, he found out about it. 

An accidental chat log, that had been deposited in my document folder, that I wasn't aware was there. (I'd been so incredibly careful)

When he did, I felt such releif, I had fought my way from being a frightened mousy housewife to having a job and what I hoped to be turning into a career.


I felt relief, that now my husband hated me for what I'd done to him,  almost as much as I hated him. I could walk away now, now that he wouldn't want me. 

But... to see the suffering that he went through because he had been betrayed, was the most horrible thing I've ever done to another human being. I've never known I was capable of hurting someone so badly, tearing his life down around his ears after 9 years.

But I felt it, freedom tugging at my feet, giving me wings. At 27 I was finally free to be my own woman...At such a great cost.

I'll never forget the emotional scars, the shame, the despair, the fear, the hoplessness, the tremulous first steps of freedom, full of exhultation, ready and rearing to go and mostly the regret. That I hadn't had the courage all along to do what I knew was best, and I shattered my family because of it. I was so selfishly staying beacuse I thought it would be better for my children. But it wasn't. They were hurt worse by their fathers pain, I should have spared them that. I should ahve seen it coming, but I was blind. I was oblivious to what it would cost them as well.

I have had to pay for that selfishness, by losing them. They had to stay with him. He had the house, the car, the money, I'd never worked and he used it against me along with my guilt, and I let him. I felt I'd deserved the punishment. But it hurt my children more.

Sometimes to do nothing, is the worst choice of all.

 

scarletuk scarletuk 31-35 28 Responses Jul 11, 2008

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What a story thank you for sharing. I have no good advice at this very point but I pray that the best comes to you and your children.Fear is such a blindfold sometimes. Life taught me that the only way to not be afraid is to swim in deep waters with no help. So go ahead, jump in this unknown sea called life outside your comfort zone. Face the good and the bad and fight for your right to live life your very own way. Accept the losses, pay the price and keep your head high through it all.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that happened to you but remember keep your head up, don't look back, stay confident and I'm sure you will find someone who will cherish you and let you be yourself. Be patient, your kids will come around and will forgive you. Don't forget that you are an amazing person no matter what anyone says. Cheers!

I felt my gut pulling with each line that you said. What a sad and triumphant story. My best friend has always said that things happen so you can become a better you. With tragedy comes peace. I cant help but feel as if you have freed yourself from turmoil. And applaud your strength. I wish you peace, love and happiness.

you should not feel that, you cheating on him was his fault as well not your only! why you want to hurt yourself more and lose more years in your life in this cage! what you did was a scream out of pain to say I AM HERE PLEASE LET ME Go. dont do that to yourself, look for a job, find yourself a tender loving person and feel free to do whatever you want..

Wow, many people really underestimate the pain a person can go through sometimes, they think Oh she cheated, well she must be a bad person and she deservs what is hapenning. But is never like that, for one thing to occur there was another one that happened before and llife you had with your husband was not equal. My husband is militay as well and I know what yiu mean by the fact that they change. My husband also has become someone I dont recognize anymore.... Good luck to you and keep going!

THE SAME KIND OF THING HAPPENED TO ME YEARS AGO, BUT NOW MY KIDS HAVE FORGIVEN ME. SO REMEMBER TIME HEALS ALL. GOOD LUCK,AND BEST WISHES.

I was in same situation as you, only my husband is the most loving, caring and kindest man. I had no social life or friends to talk to and so i went online gaming and thought I met a friend that shared the same interests as me. After 3 years, the relationship ended because it was just not enough...I was too afraid to leave a happy home for the unknown. I will always remember and love him in my heart, but my place is with my husband who I also love dearly.

I couldn't stop reading. Wow, I somehow feel so involved and I don't know you. Thank you for sharing a well written story.

i am amazed by your story. i am on the same boat and at the stage of agony..confusion...im hoping i can do this too...

You sound like a very amazing woman! Unlike some people that cheat, you experienced remorse. The fact that you empathized with the husband that you had grown to hate is very impressive, and proves you are a strong and judicious woman. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it.

dirty biatch

you ******* *****

married so young...people change and you can grow out of love...it's impossible for being not move on...they say love it forever...i find very hard for people to love the same way indefinately...

What done is done. Learn from the past but don't dwell in it. Dont keep thinking about how stupid it was to do what you did or to wish you can take it back. All this is a waste of energy and it will only make things harder for you and your kids. What you need to do right now is to improve yourself and better yourself. I'm sure this is what you're doing on some level but focus on it more and stop wasting precious time and energy on feeling bad about your situation, what happened, or what may happen. This is a brand new start for you. Start on the right foot, it's never too late. <br />
You did the best you could given the situation, who you were at the time, and all the pressure and confusion caused by him. It's ok. Let it go. <br />
Let Go and Let God

It is inspiring yet incomplete. I'm left wondering what happened? Im in agreement that your marraige vows were broken by your ex long before you looked elsewhere. The very same reasons we women are blamed for the cheating...likewise we stay in a marriage far too long that we should leave. All because we dont want to be thought of as a failure.

I empathize with your story because I like you married my high school sweetheart. I was very young to young when I became pregnant. I love my son very much and dont regret having him. but after three children and 23 years of marriage my husband had an affair. I just found out about a month ago. And even after asking him not to contact her he continued calling her. And seeing her a couple of times. He considered leaving our family and I to make a life with this women. Inspite of the hurt I still love him but much like you expressed I too was very lonely and I had lost my identity. I was only a mom and wife. A wife that had sex with her husband, washed clothes went to work and but did nothing else. I became resentful and bitter. And the loneliness that I was feeling he too was feeling. He acted and I did not. Instead I told him how I felt but it didnt matter much. We are trying to work on things but I am very emotional. I dont trust him, i dislike what he did, and i am grossed out at the thought of having sex with a man that shared his body with someone else. I pray that I am able to overcome.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know exactly how u feel. I'm at my crossroads now...I just don't know which one to choose. You've got my life's story in a which I couldn't get words to express/explain mine. U've inspired me to write my story and i will.<br />
thank you and stay strong!

very well written touches at the heart of many emtions. I am reeling from my own emotional diaster and can relate to alot of your feelings. Please tell me it has gotten better with time?

What a story?<br />
But to be fair keeping a marriage these days, keeping a family, keeping things in order and balanced is the toughest there is for most of us.<br />
Maybe there is that much of feeling of freedom and indenendence...but could not this be developed, negotiated, compromised ... just for the sake of keeping a family, the kids, the rest...<br />
Was it totally impossible for him to change over time with your pressure and efforts to make things more balanced and even?<br />
Now you are out there; free and independent... but no doubt with a feeling that you have left a field, when you look back, that could have cultivated for something of higher value had you probably combined with your courage some wisdom and thoughfulness...<br />
Life should go on as usual, but missed oppertunities are not easy to recover... <br />
Not to second guess you, but to add to the soundness of your decision if you ever considered rehabilitating that holy marriage relationship. You are then even alot stronger and certainly wiser...

If it was me I'd have gone back to night school to get a degree and then you would have have more leverage.<br />
also, I have a huge file of nude girls and she has not found or looked for it yet!

He pushed you away Honey, he changed so much and the change has emotionally scared you. With or without a lover, you should have left him a long time ago. <br />
<br />
Was it by court order that he has everything...especially the kids?

The thing you may be missing here is your EX caused every bit of this. It was all his choice to act the way he did. Having served a full career in the military I can say that I've seen way too many cases exactly like this. A lousy husband who never cares what his spouse thinks, wants, needs, etc. It's probably why I spent the majority of my career as a single man. It's a hard lesson to be sure but as you get yourself firmly established, go back and petition the court on the custody issue. After all, he has to deploy in the military and thats a mark against him having custody.

IM SORRY I JUST HAVE TO ASK ARE YOU STILL WITH YOUR LOVER OR WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM AFTER YOU GUYS GOT DIVORCED?

Great story, thanks for sharing. But, if I may say so, I think the first betrayal was his...for the vows we take when we marry, involve things that go beyond the "above all others" part. What about the part in the vows that runs, "to love and honor"? How was he loving and honoring you all that time, before you first left him? I think one of the things that I'm seeing of late is, there is so much emphasis put on the betrayal by the spouse that cheated, when there are many other kinds of betrayal that are just as bad. Having sex with someone other than your spouse isn't the worst thing you can do to betray your spouse; and it's far from being the least forgiveable, too. Your story is a stark reminder of that...thank you.

Wow. I am speechless... almost. I am so sorry that you had to endure that. I too want to leave my husband. I tell myself that I need to stay for the familly structure. So that the kids will have stability. Truth is I am just plain scared to make the move. The unknown is scary. I have never been on my own before. After 13 years I sought to have an affair. I met a wonderful man that I have grown very fond of. My husband found out about him and warned me to never see this man again. After a few weeks my lover and I made contact again. Being with him this time around is better than at first. I don't mean sex, we haven't even had sex. Like your friend, he doesn't live in town. And after 13 years with one person I didint want to jump into the bed right away. Now I really want to make our relationship sexual. I llike the break from my real life that this man gives me. But I am afraid that if my husband found out that he might kill this man, literally kill him. Thanks for sharing.

Wow...your story put chills down my spine. Sometimes things are easier to see when we aren't in the middle of them....I've felt some of what you wrote about and can relate. The deep fear that you felt ~ the kind that keeps you from doing what you feel is right. I know that too. Don't join him in beating yourself up. Believe it happened for a reason...maybe now that you are away from him, you can become the person you want to be...and once you are maybe you will have what you need to get your kids. And kids are stronger than we think, they pick up on things more than we know...I'm sure they have at least an idea of the pain you were in as well.

What autimom said, +1. Thank you.

What a powerful, well written story. Thank you for sharing it.