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Wake Up Call After I Cheated On My Husband

I recently cheated on my husband with someone that shared all the attention and experience of life with me.

To my story. We are married 8 years. After my husband came back from his 3rd deployment we could not stand each other.Always fighting. Always complaints. After his last deployment he was sent to school for a week. In that very week he cheated on me with another girl that he met when he went out. I found out 2 days later and confronted him. He admitted. We were separated for almost 9 months, still living in the same house. Trying to cope. I just couldnt.

Our sex life was a mess. Before he even cheated. I am very open. He was more laid back and not experimental.

3 years after he cheated we moved to a new house. I put everything behind me and focused on us. Besides the sex issue we have. My husband is the most humble and loving man I known.
We lived day by day.

One night I went to my friends BBQ but my husband was too tired to go. I met this guy Ben. He was a year older than me and going thru a divorce. He was basically the roommate from our friend that gave the BBQ.
Long story short:
We sat all night talking. We had amazing topics and we enjoyed every single minute.
It made me feel so good.
A few days later I saw him again after I left my store. We sat down for a quick coffee and chit chatted.
I begun to wonder about him. I begun to figure him out. I started to care about him.
Meanwhile me and my husband barely spoke about stuff, I became really angry and started fights. Now it is obvious why I did.

I started to live in a little dream world. I truly thought this other man could be more than just a friend.
We saw each other almost every night and we were only walking along the pond. Or walking our dogs.
6 weeks ago, we sat next to each other. Super close.We were laughing about something and our heads, eyes, we just stuck in the moment and i felt this crazy spark. It caught me and went for it. We kissed. Every little inch of my body was electrified and so we went on and it got very wild and passionate.
How much I have missed that. I have had never anything like that with my husband.

People walked by so we stopped.
When I was at home I was glad that we stopped. I didnt want to go that far in the first place.
I felt already guilty but try to move on and not to see Ben anymore.

My husband and I got along better since a few weeks. We barley saw each other.
3 weeks ago we then had a big fight. Caused by the way he was handeling a situation with our son. I over reacted and took off. I did not come home that night.
I went straight to Ben's house. He told me that he fell in love with me and as he came closer to me I could almost not handle this power anymore and I finally gave in. It was pure lust. It was crazy. I closed my eyes but all I saw was my husband. I screamed louder but to me it was just like being in trance.
He done things to me no other done before. I was slaved.
Towards the end, he became very emotional and whispered in my ear that I am the love of his life and that he wants to take off with me.
I realized what I have done and I felt endlessly dirty and careless. I wanted to leave asap.
God will get me if not karma will.

I took a shower for almost an hour.
To my surprise my husband called me the next day with flowers in his hand. He said how much he is thankful to have me. That I stuck with him even after he cheated and how strong I was. As I looked in his eyes I saw our love. It had disappeared.
Suddenly I would find little notes of him to me in my office. He even sent me a letter how much he loves me and he will always support me (i sacrificed 85% of my job during his army duty since 97' which was always between us)

I fell back in love with him! AND he fell back in love with me.
He does not know what happened and the only reason why I wont confess is to not break his heart and destroy the strength that we built after all.

However, karma is getting me. Very intense. It has not been a single day, that there wasnt a car accident, i did not lose my credit card, my business computer to be repaired,and now my father being diagnosed with cancer.

I think about it every day and wonder if I will ever forget about it or forgive myself.

i wonder if God gave us both a wake up call what we should really value what really matters ??!!

And I hope, Karma will stop targeting me soon.
YellowBee YellowBee 31-35, F 7 Responses Nov 13, 2012

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If i had experienced pure crazy lust I wouldn't be able to resist it. What surprises me is that you never returned to Ben, shows your husband has won you over and that's definitely awesome so just be grateful :)

<p>First thing stop the Karma thing. Ask god for forgiveness. You have told us the people that have been on the same page. I know it's hard to look at the person that you deceived.. Just when they sleep tell them you are sorry... You will be okay, the lover only wants what they can't have and once it's not giving they move on to find them... Good blessing to you and your family..</p>

Please be strong. I cheated on my boyfriend and nowifeel like no one will love me like he did. be my inspiration

Don’t believe in Karma... we make our own decisions in life. Sounds like you haven't tried to forgive yourself yet. Sounds like you feel guilty and are punishing yourself for your actions. It is easier to live with yourself once you accept that you have cheated and made a mistake. Now, learn from your mistake and take it to your grave... never every tell him. Your love may not be as strong as you think it is. Good luck!

first of all, thanks to your husband for his svc and thanks to you for your support of him. secondly, its not karma, stop beating yourself up. life is messy. things happen. he was deployed and then home, all of a sudden you had a full time husband again and thats a difficult adjustment, not to mention dealing with all of the other difficulties that come with being a military wife. and then he cheated on you to the bargain! you are only human. let go of the guilt and focus on the gift you've received of experiencing true, reciprocated love with your husband. good luck.

I agree with all of you!
@LuvBlondie and i totally agree with you as well. It is beyond ironic !

Thats not karma..just your conscience. You will be ok but I do find it ironic that as long as you are faithful and loyal..u have the worse relationship luck but soon as you're alittle bad all of a sudden your mate becomes the best lover ever lol..speaking from exp!