At A Crossroad

I met and fell in love with a girl who is 20 years younger than me about a year ago. I cheated on my wife whom I had not had sex with for more than 10 years. All these years in a loveless marriage we never divorced as I love and felt responsible for my two teenage kids whom we have a great relationship and spend a lot of time together. We have reached a stage now where I confessed my affair and my wife emotions had turned from anger to acceptance after she found out that my gfriend was not a gold digger but on the contrary was a good person and had helped me during bad financial times. We discussed and agreed that we will need a solution to this and since then I have been freely seeing my gfriend with my wife's knowledge.

My crossroad is this. My gfriend do not want to be the hidden woman and need the legal status to be acknowledged that she is mine and I am hers. I told my gf I will get a divorce in 6 months time as I needed to get back on my feet first with my financial problems. In the meantime, I am imagining a new life where everything will change and it makes me sad that life will never be the same again.. i would not be seeing my kids whom I love dearly everyday after the divorce. I would no longer have the bedtime chats, waking up in the mornings and pop in their room to smell their hair, going for breakfasts,walking in the mall, watching movies with them, holidays together ...I do look forward so much to seeing them everyday when I leave the office.

Though i got a feeling that my wife will agree to a divorce, i am still not 100% sure that i will be happy to have a new life without being with my kids everyday. My heart is torn between being single again spending time with the girl that I love vs not being with my kids everyday. I dont want them to have their lifes torn apart by not having their dad around them anymore like how they have been used to and I cannot bear it if they hate me. At the same time if I do not proceed with a divorce I know my girl will not wait for me anymore.

What do I do? Advices are greatly appreciated.
saizen saizen
1 Response Nov 25, 2012

My parents divorced when i was 16 and my younger brother was 5. I soon realized (during my teens) that it was best for me. Today, i am a happily married woman with three children and a healthy marriage. My parents certainly did not abuse each other and we could remember their uncomfortable silence and non communication with each other. People sometimes need to give kids credit for being more resilient and attentive than they are perceived to be, oh yes, we could certainly feel the tension amidst the silence and short conversations. They were rarely affectionate with each other and we could tell how emotionally distant both were throughout the years. We could feel the silent tension, see right through the happy pretenses and most of all, we knew deep inside both were not happy with each other but there was just silence and no honesty surrounding the tension bubble they thought we didn't know and which they tried hard to keep from us. It was awful; yet I thought it was normal. In my view, one of the biggest things people overlook in deciding to “stay together for the kids” is that doing so shows children a poor example of marriage. It gives them a false sense of “normal.” If you are miserable in your marriage, for whatever the reason, don’t you want your children to look for (and believe in) something better?

My parents’ divorce taught me to be independent and self-reliant and that motivated me to work hard and do well in school so I could take care of myself. My parents’ divorce also taught me that there is more to marriage than what they had. My parents remarried into much better relationships, and, accordingly were much happier people. We could tell the difference. Technically, we had less time with each parent than when they were together, but the time we had was much better quality time. They were better parents to us, and better people generally because they were happier, less stressed, and less miserable. They made it a point to go through an amicable divorce and both were still loving towards us and very reassuring from time to time.

I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for divorce. I’m a firm believer in working through hard times, seeking marriage counseling, and doing everything possible to make your marriage work. I’m simply saying that if you are staying married only for the sake of your children, you may be doing them (and yourself) more harm than good.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a horrible situation. Like anything else, your divorce is what you make of it. When two people are committed to co-parenting and keeping the best interests of their children at the forefront of their minds despite a failed marriage, divorce can be a very healthy alternative to staying in an unhealthy marriage.

Many thanks for your advice. i hope my princesses will understand me and that I will always be a great dad to them.