Never Thought I Would Be The Other WomanI have been having an affair with a married man for 18 months now and he has just left, to live in a new city, thousands of kilometers away. I am devastated, relieved, confused, sad. So many feelings are going through my mind right now.
I am married with 2 beautiful girls and what started as a little fling soon took over my life in a way that has totally taken me by surprise. At the beginning, I was flattered that someone could look at me, want me and make me feel desirable again, especially after being married for 19 years. It soon turned into something more, something magical. I fell in love with that man. He gave me the butterflies back in my stomach, made me feel like a teenager again and I soon wanted to spend every minute of the day with him even if I wasn't allowed to.
The affair has been a roller coaster ride of emotions from feeling extreme guilt to being deliriously happy, stealing every moment or opportunities to be together. We have had the most perfect moments together in between breaking up because we couldn't cope with what we were doing to our families. The thing is that we both knew that what we were doing was wrong but could not keep away from each other. We tried many times over to say goodbye but found each other again. We went for marriage counseling but to not avail either.
I have questioned my feelings for this man many times over, is it lust, love, desire, what is it? I have come to realize that of course I am in love with him even though it's wrong. I never thought I would be this woman!!! I have become a deceitful, lying, 2 face person and I hate myself for doing this to my children, my husband, his wife and his children but I haven't been able to control myself. It has been pure and selfish desire and now he has left. He has put an end to what we had not been able to do for so long.
I love him and want the best for him, a part of me would like things to work out for him and his wife and another part of me would like to know that he will come back to me. I am so confused about what I want out of life right now. I still feel that I'm in love with my husband. I could never willingly try and hurt him because our marriage is not that bad. What he doesn't know might not hurt him as much as the truth. I am an emotional wreck right now and so confused about my life and my feelings for my husband and for my lover. Maybe it's all for the best now that he has left so that we can start our lives again with our spouse. I feel totally exhausted but I am the only one to blame. I have brought it upon myself. I will never ever judge someone now for having an affair. I have been there and understand it even though it's wrong. I will never choose to do it again. It's not for the faint hearted but I would never swap my incredibly memories with my lover for anything.
kikinette 36-40 5 Responses 4 Nov 26, 2012