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Affair With Roomate

I'm having an affair with my roomate... I'm not sure if I'm falling inlove with him... I don't want him talking to any girls but yet I'm married... I get so jelous and have found myself checking his emails and facebook. He's also my best friend.. I don't want to lose my husband but at the same time I don't want to end it... Help!! Update Jan 4th A little more to my story why I feel so guilty if I abandon him as a friend Its not just sex. Let me share a little more about the story.. he was sexually abused by his father. When he came out and told his family no one believed him... He didn't tell anyone details because he had no trust in his life. When we meet we would just chat for hours . He started to confess to me the things his father did. How he hates him for making him enjoy sex at a young age... At that point all I could see was a lost child that needed help. He was angry all the time and didn't know how to communicate... On top of that his ex wife is one evil ***** that wouldn't let him see her daughter. Anyways he's changed so much and he thanks me all the time but when he feels cornered he goes on a destructive path. I have been there to calm him down he has a lot of issues but has been opening up so much.. he used to think it wasn't ok to cry cause that's what he was told when he was little. I feel if I do kick him just when he's getting his life back together in a way . Ill be turning my back on him. I know I'm turning my back on my husband but i cant help this feeling.........update Jan 5th.... last night I told him to leave and he laughed I got angry and told him again and he said " wow I have never seen u so serious" we talked some more and told him again... He gave me a blank stare waiting for me to tell him that i didnt mean it... All that was running through my head was eveyones comments telling me its for the best.. then I said I have to I can't do this... He then started to cry and said he didn't want to leave that he was going to be with me till the end... I told him that I didn't want to do this but I have to . He cried more and I gave in he said he promised he wouldn't say two words two me.... After another long talk I went to the restroom but I could hear him undressing for bed .. in my bedroom when I came back I said what are you doing? He replied with going to bed . I said no do you remember our texts. I reminded him that a couple days ago he said it was over.. he then said you made me say it.. All I can think of was yes I did because this site made me stronger but I knew I would give in... I stood my ground and said no its not fair to me..the roomie then said so your saying if we are just friends we can't cuddle... I looked at him with a serious face.. he gave me a more million excuses why I shouldn't kick him out of bed.... I eventually gave in... Did it feel the same at first I can't lie but the satisfaction wasn't there I was defeated . And all I could think was wow for the first time in my life regardless how I was raised or what I was taught I was letting a man control me with manipulation... What is wrong with me?
soconfused13 soconfused13 31-35, F 34 Responses Jan 1, 2013

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Kick him and when he cry's you will have to be the ***** and go for a low shot.
Tell him "grown men don't cry" and that you want him out of your place now.

Friends with benefits is ok as long as it in the right place. My wife has that relationship and I am growing angry with her.

She has a friend with benefits???? And u know

very touching feeling it is

How are you doing with the situation since I last messaged you? Sorry, I have not read through any new comments to see if your situation is improving or not, but I wanted to hear from you directly! I imagine things are still tough....especially when emotions are all over the place!

Nope things have not got any better.. just worse.. why can't I just warp my way out. I DiD tell him to leave and he cried and said he didn't want to

I'm sorry to hear things are worse, but as the saying goes...."Things will get worse before they better!" You have to keep holding on and trusting that everything will work out for your good! Trust me, there were times when I wished I could have warped my way of things, but this is your mess to clean up! Kicking your roommate out was the best least your attempting to restore order in the home! It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to leave, it's critical that he does! Where he goes is not your concern! Has he left yet?

No last night I told him to leave and he laughed I got angry and told him again and he said " wow I have never seen u so serious" we talked some more and told him again... He gave me a blank stare waiting for me to tell him that i didnt mean it... All that was running through my headwas eveyones comments telling me iIits for the best.. then I said I have to I can't do this... He then started to cry and said he didn't want to leave that he was going to be with me till the end... I told him that I didn't want to do this but I have to . He cried more and I gave in he said he promised he wouldn't say two words two me.... After another long talk I went to the restroom but I could hear him undressing for bed .. in my bedroom when I came back I said what are you doing? He replied with going to bed . I said no do you remember our texts. I reminded him that a couple days ago he said it was over.. he then said you made me say it.. All I can think of was yes I did because this site made me stronger but I knew I would give in... I stood my ground and said no its not fair to me..the roomie then said so your saying if we are just friends we can't cuddle... I looked at him with a serious face.. he gave me a more million excuses why I shouldn't kick him out of bed.... I eventually gave in... Did it feel the sameat ffirst I can't lie but the satisfaction wasn't there I was defeated . And all I could think was wow for the first time in my life regardless how I was raised or what I was taught I was letting a man control me with manipulation... What is wrong with me?

I’m glad you stood your ground more than once about the situation; however, it’s normal in this instance to give in…especially when you’re trying so hard to convince yourself that a life without your roommate present in the home is better. It’s gonna take a lot of convincing because over a period of time, you and the roomie developed something that’s hard for your mind to erase! I know the feeling, but if you want a shred of hope for a brighter future without the existence of deception, then you must do the things that are hard and uncomfortable now…so that life changes can occur. You will be happy as soon as you establish identifying boundaries…don’t accept anything less for yourself!

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It was long ago and yes I did. No regrets.

I feel for you and I wish I knew what the answer was. I have not read through all of the posts, but I believe I can understand your problem. Do you love your husband? Really love him? Then do what it takes to make it work. Talk with him (notice I said with, not "to him"). Listen to him. Ask if your future dreams are similar. Do it NOW! BEFORE you have kids. There will always be guys that come in to your life that "want" you. Is the one that wants you willing to give up everything for you? Or is he just having fun with you (and maybe at your expense?). If you have real feelings and believe you have a relationship with him, then you need to talk to this roommate. Find out if he is on the same track and then if so, you do have some hard questions to answer. But all I can say is do it before you have kids. Should someone come along that rocks your world like that later in life, it is SO MUCH harder. If you can be happy with your husband then cut this off, ASAP. Dragging it out will just make it worse.

At this point of our lives we do not belong together.. i have to much to lose and I'm not willing to give it up. Even though my actions speak different .its hard... Its hard to say goodbye to him forever

I am in a similar situation, so I know how you feel. I still haven't managed to "let him go" and it's been 8 years. Hard on so many levels. However we both have so much to lose so we can never be together. Too many people would be hurt. At least you don't have kids. If you have to make your move you should do it now.

how do you have a roomate who is not your husband? If you don't want divorce, you need to get him out of your life completely and refocus your energy on your husband. I don't think you should tell your husband if you can avoid it, but if necessary to get the other man out, do so. If you want a divorce, just do it. Keep on this way and it only gets worse.

I'm trying its hard to turn my feelings off for one man... Trust me I want to... I've been alone for afew days now. And its helped me sort out alot

case of having your cake and eating it too. Its not too late but you don't want to wind up losing both of them as friends or lovers. Think about what you want and be honest with yourself.

The situation is unwinding as we speak ... Things have taken a turn

Well I hope that is a good thing. We all get in bad or strained situations. Don't let anyone judge you but at the same time don't put yourself in a no-win situation

Its hard but I guess not making a choice is still actually making one... One that you will have no control over. And that is what's happening now

Not sure I understand the reason for all this negative fuss. She is not wrong for sleeping with her roommate, that's what people do when they live together. It's only natural that when two people near the same age and of the opposite sex, live, sleep, eat, talk, smile, tell each other jokes, laugh together and share a occasional glass of wine that sex and romance follows. No big surprise here and I do not condemn you, it's just mother nature doing what she does. Your loneliness would be a tough battle if you lived alone, an impossible battle living with another man. My 2 cents!

So do u think its impossible to live with him without sleeping together

Definitely impossible, that's what got you into this in the first place.

My stupidity got me into this... And it is all ending as we speak

Liberty88 I think your cause is noble but if you put a young woman and a young man under the same roof, night after night, throw in some hormones and a dash of loneliness, stuff happens. It's not about being civilized or right or wrong, it's about human nature. I for one admirer her truthfulness and bravery in exposing herself to possible comments.

Thank u and all these comments have helped.. I am glad there are many people out there with different views. I'm able to take something from everyone..

Well I stand corrected but let me ask you one question and take your time answering. How would you feel if your dear hubby were living with a young woman, oh I know, you'd trust him right? Just like he trusted you? Good luck with that one!

i would be ok with that because the stupidity i had i dont see in him. i agree with you Danghi some of us cant live together... but it doesnt make it right like u said.. i just wish i was stronger to be able to say no. Not everyone is like this and i believe deep down in my heart my husband isnt. I Failed and all i can do is try again.

There is a certain wisdom that comes with age and I tell you the would be better for the two of you to live without permanent guests in the home. Good luck my friend.

ya i know we dont need them. just was doing someone a favor or maybe i was just being se;fish and wanted him closer.. who lnows.. all i know is that i made a wrong choice.

Liberty88 you are such a bitter angry person, give it a rest, she is not interested in an affair with you. Ok?

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You need to screw another guy to remind you that its just sex dont tell anyone the drama to much im sure roommate not the only or last guy you will screw with out hubby knowing so learn not to get atached to the guys

Lol good way of putting it... Different from everyone else's thanks its a little refreshing

Didn't take it as a compliment it was refreshing because it was different... And if I was dramahappy I wouldn't give two***** what happened to anyone in this situation

I'm just a Woman that made a bad mistake.. now I have to step up and face the consequences . I need to find the strenght that I once had and stand up for myself

Thank you I will keep eveyone posted on the end result

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love all but choose the best one who is real make you enjoy the sex. Your husband or roommate.

OK, i am dealing with the other end of this right now, Dec 6 i caught my wife having an affair. I'm am a complete emotional mess. Id rather smoke crystal meth then to deal with all these emotions i am now dealing with right now. My advice that i wish, over and over i would of got is, Find out why your doing it. If you really love your husband you shouldn't be doing it. You need to stop now before you get caught. Cut all ties with this guy. Then try to fix what your issues are with your husband, your doing this cause your unhappy with something. Find the cause and try to do your best to fix it. Talk to him trust me if he knows your to the point of doing this affair he will listen if he really loves you, trust me i would of, I wish i was given the opportunity to correct my mistake that i didn't realize i was doing, before having to find out my wife was cheating on me. If he doesn't get the point then you need to lay it all out there, then you need you to make up your mind to get away from you husband and move on. No one truly deserves to go through these feelings, that I'm dealing with and i know many others have had to deal with it to. My mistake was I wasn't intimate enough and wasn't emotional enough. I didn't do enough with my wife we were just room mates and i never saw it. Please ladies talk your man tell him what is going on, you got to let the emotions go. Cry your head off just get your point to that dum arse who doesn't realize whats going on with his life other then work, kids and a wife who is putting on a strong face. I so wish my wife wife would of done that instead of what she has done. I never stop loving her before she did it, now Im not so sure, because i can no longer trust her or believe her i still love her but all these feeling are corroding it and now its up to me to get over it or end it. There is a good chance you husband feels the same, least give him a chance to remember it. People need reminding sometimes its unfortunately the truth.
I'm sorry for bad grammar or spelling.

Wow thanks for your point of view... And I'm truely sorry for what u are going through... I do love him and your right he deserves to know .

One thing that's certain is that the secret will be very difficult to live with. If you want to have a chance at saving your marriage, you need to end it with the roommate and confess everything to your husband. He may decide that he can't handle it, and leave you... but that's the risk that you took in doing what you've done.

If you don't tell him, there are only two possibilities for the future: Either he'll find out on his own (and let me tell you, if that happens you're completely screwed), or the secret will eat at you and make you miserable for years.

I'm already an emotional wreck I can just imagine how he would feel

Listen, I've been on the receiving end of this twice. I found out about my first wife's affair the hard way, and I literally haven't said a word to her in the last 3 years. If I never see her again, it'll be too soon. I hate her so much, I rage for a second whenever I see a car that's too similar to hers (it was rather distinctive).

My second wife confessed hers about a month ago, and while I am unable to forgive, I don't hate her. I want to put forth the effort to remain civil with her and work out an amicable divorce and custody arrangement, with minimal involvement from lawyers.

If the relationship had been good before, I would probably be trying to fix things with the marriage. If I hadn't been cheated on before, I MIGHT be trying to fix things with the marriage... but the important point to be made here is that there would have been a CHANCE... which is more than you can say if he finds out on his own.

You need to choose. I don't mean to be judgmental, but it's not fair to your husband to continue giving him only half of you. If you want to be with someone else, do the right thing and let your husband find someone who will give him all of herself, not just what's left over.

I know its not at all. Om having a hard time facing reality. I know what I need to do. I just can't seem to find the courage to do it... I am being selfish

Well that's understandable. It's not supposed to be easy - you're only human. :)

Thank you for understanding. I don't want anyone thinking that I believe cheating is right. Its not . I made a horrible mistake and in the process I fell for another man. No ones fault but my own. But now its tearing me apart. I can only imagine the hurt it will cause my husband . I need to deal with something inside of me and I don't know what it is...

Yeah, it's a hard situation for everyone. I hope you figure things out soon and you're all able to move on to better times.

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My parents got divorced because my dad cheated... cheating is the worstthing you couls do its unfaithful and rude if you want to sleep with more than one man get divorced and be a **** and sleep with two men for the rest of your life but dont be married because then your lying to one person and your bringing them down for your oun ridiculousee problems!!You are simply being a selfish ***** by isnt faair..honestly..................

No one said I was sleeping with both... But that's besides the point. I never said it was fair nor did I say what I was doing is correct. So need for such a rude comment

I dont mean to be rude i was but hun you need a reality check that is very bad of you to do and you do need to recognise it.

I hope you make the best use of your time.Room mate..welll

What do you mean?

Being in love with two men is a luxury.

I feel like its a punishment...

may I just ask: what makes you cheat on him? because if you don't know why you did something, it's hard to know what to do next
which of the two are you inlove with?

I feel like I'm in love with both.. there is no REASON I cheated just excuses... I wanted to feel wanted ..

well. they say if you love two persons, pick the one who you fell inlove with the last. because if you loved the first more, you couldnt fall inlove with another. but you need to work on your problems before you throw yourself into a new relationship. we should be wanted for the right reasons. if you dont feel wanted by your guy, you should find out why. is it him not doing enough to make you feel loved. then talk about it with him and tell him how you feel. or is it youwho is insecure with yourself and doesnt trust that he wants you. then you need to work on the way you think.

reading this i would have to say its my own insecurities..Everyone tells me they see the love in his eyes for me and i stopped seeing that for some reason or another. But how could i love someone more then my husband if my intentions were to never leave him. Not for my room mate..

I think that's happening to my parents. Like my moms was having something and my dad found out. My dad is loving and might forgive her but I'm worried about a divorce. So stop the affair but don't talk to your husband unless your confident that he won't over react or he is kind hearted enough to forgive you. Do you have any children because if you do dont talk about it in front of them or they will lose sleep about worrying about this nonsense like I have. Good luck!

Thanks for your input... We have no children but I know the right thing to do is tell him... He should make the choice of what he wants to do.. I've already taken so much from him

Just be careful about having your cake and eating it to. Maybe your roommate will think your to jealous.You could work a ********* with roommate and your hubby

He already knows ... I told him I looked through his email and facebook. He tells me I'm married and that its not right and that he loves me and he talks to other girls to het his mind of a married woman that he has feelings for. So he knows my jealous and reminds me I'm not his girl.

Then if you are not his girl,why is he having sex with you . You two live your life the way you want to . Just don't get caught by your hubby while you two are having sex

He says cause he's single and that's what single men do but at the same time we sleep in the same bed we hold hands in public he calls me babe honey... He kisses me goodbye and tells me he loves me... For Christmas he spent his whole check to buy me something... U see why I'm soconfused

Hmm that is a tough one to call . Has he ever hold you hand in front of your hubby or any one else hubby knows. Just keep having sex till you are both old and gray,or until hubby catches the both of you in wild monkey sex what ever comes first.

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You can't help who you like, but tread carefully. You could lose your best friend as well as your husband.

Or lose myself in the process which I think ive already done

dont lose urself

I'm trying not to but I'm becoming a person I thought I'd never be... I didn't get married to cheat... I've always been against it and never understood why people did it... I guess I'm just weak

sometimes it turns out that way

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You can,t have your cake and eat it too!! You married your husband I,m guessing you love him or did at one time.He really does desserve better and you need to stop it now and give him a wife he can be proud of to be with.I was married for ten years and my wife had an affiar right from the beginning,and get this with another woman!!

your right he does deserve better maybe i just need to be alone and see what i really want i cant be a good wife if i dont know what i want. i need to work on myself first and see what im missing on my own . I have to make myself happy not let any man control that.

What glitters isnt gold. Try to stop with the affair and I think you should talk to your husband

it sure aint gold.. i just keep wishing it was

If its okay I would like to know your situation as in why you are living with a house mate of the opposite sex that isn't your husband? And how he finds that....? my bf is moving in with his best friend who is a girl, I'm not worried about them together but just the whole situation upsets me, he lives in a different country and housing is a problem, thanks!

my husband is very trusting... i took advantage of that and moved him in.

OK, Your long distance relationship is not working out. More specifically, you are not getting your needs met by your husband...

You have 3 options: find a way separate from your roommate and get female roommates,
file for divorce, or continue on this tortured path. There will be tears.

continuing on this path is no option i need to face reality and jusdt dont seem to get a grip on it. am i livivng in a fantasy world? thinking it will work out on its own i know it wont but i continue

had a similar experience but came out of it unscathed

how may i ask?

I know it hard but you should tell him the truth

the truth is like oil in water no matter how hard you try it will always rise to the top

thats tru i use to tell my husband everyting. We would even laugh together when i would get hit on cause i never thought of stepping out on him.. now look at me .. never say never..

Now i am reading here a true story as i saw in a Hindi movie "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam" And i think your Hubby is your true LOVE. Your friend be always your past and your haapy is your not only your present although he is your future. Be love with him and keep a transparent friendship with your ex lover.

gonna watch the movie sounds interesting and the love my husband has for me no other man compares to it and i just seem to ruin it

Then don't. Stop having the affair. It's like trying to do drugs and not wanting to get addicted to it. You're gonna have to choose one or another.

ya but the addiction is already there.. i need rehab now

Consult a psychologist, maybe a relative that you can trust. Just don't worry, there's already too much pain in the world and too little understanding.

I'm ashamed of what I'm doing.... I think all the time if I leave my husband for this man. What will people think... That's y I came on this site to remain anonymous and try to get help

There's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes, talking to real people can be much more effective than reading text, sent by anonymous persons.

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I think this is made a commitment to your husband when you married him. honor it.

People take marriage too lightly these days.

yes they do...relationships in general are taken to lightly these days it's sad

i know its wrong and trust me i dont take this relationship to lightly otherwise i wouldnt be in tears. i can say i never wanted to hurt him but i wasnt really thinking of his best intrest now was i .. i was selfish and not being that devoted wife. i will always regret that.

well at least you can admit you ****** up....that's a good first step I guess.

I hope so ... I was in desperate need when I found this site.. and its helped me so much.... I want to be a better person I just lost my way

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I know it sucks, but follow your heart. It is hard to do but in the end it will make you happy. It will not be easy so lets not pretend, it'll be rough but your happiness in the end is worth the pain you will endure to get there

sometimes the pain is too much and i give into temptation. ive told the roomate i was not going to continue the relationship and he would tell me that its not what he wants but he agrees and then i give in because tears roll down my face in the thought of losing the passion but at times i cry at the thought of losing my husband who is the only innocent one in this yet the one that is going to be hurt the most and the one that is thought of the least

Temptation is a powerful thing, but do not think of your husband or your lover, think of YOU. The passion you feel for your sancho is it because the sex is amazing or because as a person you two click? If you want a more private conversation feel free to message me (:

don't have the affair at home, take it outside, Hotel-no-tell. Do it in the car even but not at home. There are too many tell tell signs that will get you in trouble.

You have to be honest with ur husband if u love him never know if ur husband could already be flirting or having an affair...some men don't mind sharing if it satisfies there needs but if u need any more advice message me :)

You have created quite a dilemma for yourself, but with a little ingenuity, you can dig yourself out of the hole you dug! Your priority is your husband...and if you want to keep him around, you're gonna have to let go of the roommate. Besides, if the roommate is talking to other girls...imagine how he perceives the relationship between you and him. He doesn't think highly of it and is probably using you for sex. At any rate....he does not belong to you, so whatever he's doing, let him be. Your heart and mind will heal as soon as you release him from your life. Do you intend on continuing the facade of married life with your husband, or do you have plans of opening up to him about your unhappiness? Shouldn't he know something....not only that you've been deceitful, but that you're in need of more than the current routine in your marriage? I hope things work out for you. :)

Thank you.... Just reading the words he doesn'tbbelong to you made me realize a lot ..

If you ever need to talk, just send me a message! :)

Oh my. You are being pulled in two different directions. On one side, there is your desire for passion that you have with your roommate/lover. And on the other, there is your husband and your wedding vows. How do you reconcile these? I can say that the desire for intimacy (is that why you have a lover?) is a very powerful force, and has a way of putting people in difficult situations, like the one you are in now. If this were a play, it would probably be considered a tragedy because it is hard to see a happy ending to this drama. There will come a point when you will need to make a choice.
Your feelings of jealousy are another matter, and can only add to your confused state.

Wow u said it perfectly ... Exactly how I feel... Its hard to deal with. Trust me I know my husban deserves better

It is hard to be rational about this because you are being driven by love, passion, and desire, and as you well know, that is not controlled by reason. I believe you when you say it is hard to deal with. It is a difficult situation, and I can see in your words that you are in a lot of emotional turmoil over this.

Yes I am.. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it afraid that all anyone will see is a bad person that has no heart but that's not the case... It hurts so bad and I know maybe that's what I get but I can't deal with this

Well you have spoken to someone now. I am a real person behind this anonymous mask. I don't see you as a bad person at all, and if you didn't have a heart, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. This is not the time to be hard on yourself. You are dealing with a very human dilemma: do I listen to my head or my heart? It is an agonizing process, and of course it hurts a lot; I'm certain you have shed more than a few tears over this.

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