TornI am in pain. I hurt so badly right now, it isn't funny. It almost feels like a physical ache, yet, I know the pain comes from deep within my heart.
I admit that I did have an affair. This is the first time I'm outright vocalizing that fact. The affair did come to an end quite a while back through the famous "slow fade". She slowly quit contacting me, slowly quit having anything to do with me until we just had no contact. It hurt like hell as I really had started to develop feelings for her. But, it was the way it had to be for her at the time.
Suddenly, almost one year later, she texts me out of the clear blue. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My jaw nearly hit the floor. My only question was, "Why?". The wave of emotions that swept through me was enormous. Elation. Hope. Desire. Love? Anger. Frustration. Blah. I felt it all that afternoon.
Since that initial contact, we've texted and emailed off and on. I've been having a hard time getting a read from her as to what she wanted and why she suddenly came back into my life.
The problem is that she suddenly came back into my life just at the same time that my wife wants to work harder on "us". That's right. I'm now torn. Do I work with my wife or do I pick up where I left off in the affair? Or do I just go at it on my own?
I hate this. I'm not cut out to be Mr. Affair material. I never have been. I'm not a pla
I remember the time when she slowly started to fade away. I remember the pain I felt. I remember regretting not telling her how I felt, how much she meant to me. At the time, I would have left my wife for her had she asked me to.
Now, I'm indifferent. Some of the old feelings have returned. Not all. Now I'm fighting with myself to keep my emotions at bay. I don't want to feel. I just want to be happy. How can I be happy when I'm torn between two women? Yet, my marriage is also just so fukked it isn't funny. It's so fukked I've often thrown my hands up in despair out of frustration and wanting to give up.
I accidentally ran into this woman the other evening. I wanted to sh!t my pants. Once again, those familiar feelings came back. I longed for her so.........I yearned for her kiss one more time........I longed to just hold her hand, just one more time......I wanted HER. That is what went through my mind in the matter of the few seconds it took for us to both realize who was there. When we made eye contact and I saw that world famous smile of hers, my heart just melted.
When she texted me asking her to meet her in 90 minutes, I didn't hesitate to think. I should have texted back a simple "no". I didn't. Instead, I told her to meet me at one of the spots we always used to meet at.
When we did meet up, it was like old times. It was like nothing ever happened. Forget the nearly one year separation. The old familiarity set right in. For that time, we both were happy as hell. We were in our own little world.
I am now sitting here, conflicted. In pain. On the one hand, I'd like to work things out with my wife. Yet, on the other hand, she sorta came back into my life. However, she's back to the same old thing with doing the very limited contact routine. Because of that, I hurt.