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Torn

I am in pain. I hurt so badly right now, it isn't funny. It almost feels like a physical ache, yet, I know the pain comes from deep within my heart.

I admit that I did have an affair. This is the first time I'm outright vocalizing that fact. The affair did come to an end quite a while back through the famous "slow fade". She slowly quit contacting me, slowly quit having anything to do with me until we just had no contact. It hurt like hell as I really had started to develop feelings for her. But, it was the way it had to be for her at the time.

Suddenly, almost one year later, she texts me out of the clear blue. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My jaw nearly hit the floor. My only question was, "Why?". The wave of emotions that swept through me was enormous. Elation. Hope. Desire. Love? Anger. Frustration. Blah. I felt it all that afternoon.

Since that initial contact, we've texted and emailed off and on. I've been having a hard time getting a read from her as to what she wanted and why she suddenly came back into my life.

The problem is that she suddenly came back into my life just at the same time that my wife wants to work harder on "us". That's right. I'm now torn. Do I work with my wife or do I pick up where I left off in the affair? Or do I just go at it on my own?

I hate this. I'm not cut out to be Mr. Affair material. I never have been. I'm not a player. I have no idea how to be one. I'm a WYSIWYG person. I hate being this conflicted. This is eating me up inside.

I remember the time when she slowly started to fade away. I remember the pain I felt. I remember regretting not telling her how I felt, how much she meant to me. At the time, I would have left my wife for her had she asked me to.

Now, I'm indifferent. Some of the old feelings have returned. Not all. Now I'm fighting with myself to keep my emotions at bay. I don't want to feel. I just want to be happy. How can I be happy when I'm torn between two women? Yet, my marriage is also just so fukked it isn't funny. It's so fukked I've often thrown my hands up in despair out of frustration and wanting to give up.

I accidentally ran into this woman the other evening. I wanted to sh!t my pants. Once again, those familiar feelings came back. I longed for her so.........I yearned for her kiss one more time........I longed to just hold her hand, just one more time......I wanted HER. That is what went through my mind in the matter of the few seconds it took for us to both realize who was there. When we made eye contact and I saw that world famous smile of hers, my heart just melted.

When she texted me asking her to meet her in 90 minutes, I didn't hesitate to think. I should have texted back a simple "no". I didn't. Instead, I told her to meet me at one of the spots we always used to meet at.

When we did meet up, it was like old times. It was like nothing ever happened. Forget the nearly one year separation. The old familiarity set right in. For that time, we both were happy as hell. We were in our own little world.

I am now sitting here, conflicted. In pain. On the one hand, I'd like to work things out with my wife. Yet, on the other hand, she sorta came back into my life. However, she's back to the same old thing with doing the very limited contact routine. Because of that, I hurt.

bobrido bobrido 46-50, M 11 Responses Jan 5, 2013

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Any more updates here since your post?

Not really. I heard from her a couple times since I wrote this story. As far as I know, she's entered into another relationship. I'm pretty much over her now due to the amount of time that's elapsed since we last made contact. If she were to enter my life right now once again, I don't think it would matter. As for the relationship with my wife, well, there's no change in that department as well.

Yea, I encountered the same kind of thing with the man I had an affair with. He texts once every few months to, "check on me" and that's it. He went months and months without talking and then expected one day to message and get the same attention he once got. I explained I let it go, due to the fact I didn't really think he was interested in more and that I was done. We keep it friendly. He said he was heavy hearted about it which confused me since he had not made an effort to stay in touch. LOL ? Idk, people can be difficult to really read and know. I think you did and are doing the best thing. Good for you.

I feel the same way you do. If my OW would have wanted to continue, she would have tried to keep in touch rather than a quick email once every two or three months. I felt that it was better for me to not respond and to move on. Much healthier for me. Let her go on with her own life. I'm feeling far more sane now than I did back when I wrote this story.

Question is how happy are you with your wife? If you are not happy then...You know the answer because you do run the risk meeting another woman because we cant force ourselves to be happy with someone.

My relationship with my wife is so-so. I am half the problem as I am half the equation in my marriage. In regards to being happy, I need to work on my own happiness before I can be reasonably happy in my own marriage.

So...did she slow fade on you again, or was it more deliberate for you guys his time? And, are you glad about your decision to stay with the wife? Any happier?

She didn't just do the slow fade. She was gone. That was the end of that. Am I glad I decided to stay with my wife? Yes and no. That's a story unto it's own.

Hey there!

I'm reading this and thinking, wow! I totally feel where you're coming from!
I know that "wondering what she is thinking" feeling" all too well!

May I ask what has happened since this post?

Joe

I've moved on since then. Such is life.

Yes I am. No change there, unfortunately.

Thank you. I kind of gave up hope on that.

This story makes me want to make sure I never contact MM again. I've always thought what would happen if I saw him or he text me out of the blue. But I would never want to send him back into the emotional turmoil that I felt we both have since we are both married. Thank you for sharing.

If you're working through the end of an emotional affair, the best thing you can do is to have no contact at all. Not even an accidental one. It leaves you wanting and hoping to go back to the way things were. In the end, you're just left with a lot of pain.

I completely agree with you. An my affair was emotional and physical. Both were incredible and heartbreaking at the same time. I don't want those feelings back. I don't want to go through the guilt. I don't want to go through the need. I just want to be completely done. At least in the since that he won't be there to interrupt my progress of survival. It's a long road that I will need to travel. But I am determined to get there.

My affair in this story was emotional on my part only. The pain is still there at times as I do reflect on her now and then. But it's time to continue my life and move on.

You should try and work it out with your wife first. If you see no future in that then you can divorce and see this woman again. Maybe since your not married she'll actually be with you and not leave like a real girlfriend, but on the other hand maybe all she wants is sex and she has her secrets of her own.

You're probably right in that all she wants is sex. But, that hasn't happened in a very long time with us. When I did see her this past January, I was filled with such a wide array of emotions. Now, it's like, no big deal. I think we've both faded away from one another for the most part.

Sorry in advance for how nasty i'm going to sound. Look, I understand being in a bad marriage because I was in one too. I also had an affair so I know it happens, but what I did not do was carry on while stringing my now ex along. I evaluated my marriage on its own merits and decided to end it, and the om had nothing to do with that. People that carry on in secret while keeping the security of the marriage are dirtbags, period. I'm not saying I was perfect but I did not lie about anything. You either want your marriage or you don't, if its that f&cked up end it now. Refusing to make that decision is cowardly. Fwiw, i'm now married to the other man and we've been together for 8 years; my ex and I were a poor match, which I concluded with the understanding that the om might be gone. If you don't want your marriage let your wife find sometime more compatible with her; what you're doing now is not fair.

As crazy as this sounds, watch the movie Fireproof. This will awaken your eyes for sure. By the way, it's human nature to lust and to lust for what we can't have. That's why this other woman seems so valuable.

As the wife, may I present the reality of the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain that occurs when your find out that your adored husband loves and is physical with another woman. I have been literally gutted and shock is not a strong enough word. I have lost lots of weight, I cannot think, I cry several times a day and cry wherever I am at...church, grocery store...whatever, it doesn't matter. And, the tears are real, falling down my chin as I try to function....and it has been 21 months since my 72 year old husband abandoned me after 27 years and I still cry daily, sometimes several times a day. I throw the mail on the floor, I can't remember anything, I forget to eat, my house has become a mess, I can't find anything, I no longer have the interests that I used to have such as clubs, groups of friends or swimming. I have learned that my "friends" don't want to hear about it. Two Christmases have passed and I have done nothing. The list could continue. I am now 69 years old and I knew what my life was going to be like at this age. I am too old to create a new reality for myself. I had a life with my husband that I loved and now I am totally alone. So....if you all are willing to put your spouse through what I am going through right now....you are stronger and braver than I am. I couldn't do that to someone that I loved and lived with for years. I would be embarassed and conflicted and ashamed. They would have to be so physically or mentally abusive to me that I would need to run away from them before I could hurt my spouse that way. The word commitment is key here.

I am sorry for what you went through. I have thought of the pain that I could cause someone if my wife were to find out. Right now, I'm tired of this anxiety of no contact than all of a sudden, there's contact. Life is too short.

I have had a similar experience. Crazy in-love with another man, both of us married. We, like you, lived in our own little world and could not stop seeing each other despite his wife seeing our emails, hearing him talk to me on the phone and finally finding out we had spent an evening together.
We have not seen or spoken to each other in a year now...and what a difficult year it was. I missed him, I yearned for him, I tried to move on from the affair, it has been an emotionally heartbreaking journey. But a journey it has been. And as I now see my way out of the tunnel I know that I will always love him and hold very very dear the memory of our time together. Being with this man was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me. But it certainly was not reality.
And my reality is that I love my husband and could not imagine looking in his eyes and saying to him "I love another man and I'm leaving you and leaving our famly". Because my husband is my family, my history and my future.
Love affairs happen, and those of us that have been in one, are still in one or contemplating one know this and understand this. But in the light of day we have to understand that most affairs are not real life and my suggestion to you bobrido is that you think long and hard about hurting your family for this woman and think about day to day life with her. Unpaid bills, grocery shopping, illnesses...well life!
I feel what you're going through, it is so heartwrenching. My other man always used the word "heartsick"...and that's what it feels like. But take it from one who went through it all...the wonderful feelings of falling in-love, the excitement of an affair, the joy of being with that person, something new and fun..and then the end of the affair and all the pain we go through.
I can now say I'm free from the anxiety and worrying and angst, and he hopefully is free from the tremendous guilt he felt and as he once told me the daily struggle he went through loving me but knowing he was hurting his wife......I found out I want to be happy, not conflicted and stick with my commitment and the man I've spent my life with.
I feel badly his wife knew so much about our affair, but have to admire her detective work...
Feel free to contact me bobrido if you want to chat further. I know all too well what you're going through. Sometimes I do wish that I could see him again, hold him, kiss him, talk to him. But that would bring too much pain to too many people.
Best of luck to you......

Thank you for your insight. I thought I was over her as it had been about a year since we had contact. Until she contacted me out of the blue. Then it was like time went back one year.

Oh I can relate to that!!! We hadn't seen each other for nine months and we saw each other somewhat unexpectedly at a spot we use to meet at. What elation I felt. Pure joy. All the sensible things I had thought about in our time apart melted away as soon as I saw him.
We met again three more times. Then I had to have surgery. But I could here him drive by my house on his motorcycle while I was recuperating.
I saw him one more time after that. At a beautiful state park. It was a year ago last December. It was balmy and misting out and ten- fifteen deer were walking around in this park. It couldn't have been more romantic. We talked in my car for hours and I told him I loved him and he told me he loves me till he bleeds..... but it won't work for us. He can't hurt his wife anymore than he has and he knew I wouldn't leave my husband. As much as I loved this man, I knew he was right. He didn't want to get out of the car but I told him I had to go. He told me he wouldn't say goodbye cause we would see each other again. And I said no we wouldn't.
I couldn't be just friends with him and we couldn't be lovers.... So I said goodbye.
I'll never forget that night, ever.
This kind of forbidden love is as powerful and addicting as any drug you could get hooked on. There is no time between people who are in a love affair. Time doesn't pass in any normal way. Don't you agree.
Now you're with her again. I hope you choose carefully the path you will take.
I have my memories, they can't take that away from me.

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, you have the memories.

It is an addiction, for sure.

You're right. Time passes by so differently for those who are in an illicit affair. For us, time would just pass by oh too quickly.

I'm not willing to say we'reback together. Though I've honestly wished for that to be the case when she first contacted me again, our recent meeting was totally unintentional. For me, it was raw emotion that lead me to accept her meeting invite. It was in the aftermath of that meeting that has left me all torn up inside.

Thank you for your story. I understand what you're saying completely. The memories she and I have are very special to me. Much like what you shared in your story.

Prayers for You.
__/|__

Thank you for that downBYtheriver... you described what I'm experiencing right now. Day one of no contact, my mind is certainly winning, but my heart is lagging waaaay behind. I took me six years and his wife knowing about us for the last 3... to demand a cut off. I'm more than broken inside, trying to pick up my life and figuring out if the fact that I strayed so far out of my core values means my marriage is a sham, OR maybe I'm just irretrievably flawed....
The latter would be a tough pill to swallow...
I really like your insight, even though you brought tears to my eyes...

Marmelade, you strayed from your core values because there was something missing from your marriage. You found that missing component through an affair. It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is a sham nor does it mean you're flawed. It just means you've been pushed beyond your limit and needed to take action

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Consider this, you start it back up and your wife finds out. Can you deal with that? Are you ok with the fact that you will make your wife deal with it. If you want 3 people in this relationship shouldn't the others also agree? You can choose to do what makes you happy. Your wife most likely wants you to be happy. Your actionswill be what your wife will have to deal with no matter what words you use to justify your actions.

I can deal with my wife finding out. I'm prepared for those ramifications.

One month ago, I thought my world was pretty much OK. I thought I was over my affair and moving on. Instead, she suddenly reappears back in my life.