Can't Get It Up For Wife Now

I had a two year affair and got caught. My wife and I are struggling to reconcile. Tonight she came onto me and wanted to have sex for the first time since busting me 5 weeks ago. It would actually have been our first time in like a year. I was nervous and tried, but could not get it up. At all. We had sexual problems before the affair (a contributing factor to the affair for sure). I could always get it up for the OW. The OW and I had great sex and I also fell for her emotionally.

I guess it really isn't surprising that I couldn't perform for my wife but it sure was disappointing. Is this common in affair situations? I understand the betrayed spouse not wanting contact, but the cheater who's trying to make up? I really feel like a man should be able to perform regardless. BTW I'm 42 and in decent health. My wife is great person and I love her, but I'm not in love with her at the moment. I think I watch too much **** and also the affair being taboo and all was risky sex. Am I desensitized to sex and now need extreme situations to get stimulated? Do I need to be in love (that certainly hasn't always been the case for me) to get hard? Am I so guilty that it's killing it?

Reconciliation isn't going to work if I can't show some desire.
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5 Responses Jan 9, 2013

Your wife has a heart of gold. Either that or she's one of the stupidest people I've ever heard of. Personally I'd have already kicked you cheating lying sorry *** to the curb. I suggest you go see a therapist/sex therapist and talk about your feelings.

You wife needs to feel connected to you. It is actually quite normal. Look up hysterical bonding. Your guilt has a huge part in why this is happening and understandably so. Try to just let things happen and don't put too much pressure on yourself. I know, easier said than done. But maybe just start with simple acts of kindess. A hug, a kiss, backrub, whatever. If it leads to something else, great - if it doesn't that's okay too. Just your tenderness and comfort will help show your wife you care and are trying. Also let her know you're sorry this is happening. You both are going through a lot emotionally. Deep breaths. Good luck.

I understand how you feel, its slightly different for me of course, because I am a woman, but prior to my affair, although we had sexual problems too, I was able to get going etc. Do you think your difficulties are due to the fact that your are in love with the OW and don't want to 'cheat' on her? Or what about the fact that perhaps your physical relationship with the OW was so much closer to what sex should be like (physical expression of emotion, healthier, etc) that now it is too difficult to settle for what you had with your wife? My only (sad) advice is keep trying and hopefully what you have with your wife will go back to being normal to you. And if anything I said rings true to you, perhaps you should seriously consider exploring the issues in your marriage with a professional (therapist) and whether or not there is something you can do to change the relationship....or whether or not you may not belong in it. Good luck, I hope you find your peace and satisfaction in life. We all deserve it.

The same thing happened to me...and I read it was all psychological and that it would go away. But for you to get your sexual drive back you need to fully commit to fixing your intimacy with your wife. No ************ **** imagining you and the OW...and don't compare your wife to your OW. The more time passes that you are will begin getting aroused again. Like me, I would suspect that since you had a problem getting it up, you are going to now be under even more pressure about whether you can which makes it even worse. Also, like my wife, your wife is going to be afraid to initiate because she will be afraid that she can't arouse you. I did some research and what I did was go to a local novelty/sex shop and bought some male enhancement pills (Bone was the name) and took one a couple times when I knew my wife would be open to sex and they worked amazing. They gave me a bit of a headache but amazing erections at just the slightest sexy thought (they increase blood flow like Viagra) and although I had no use for it beyond the first night, the effect lasted for a few days. This gave me the confidence I needed while my mind repaired my appreciation for my wife and I slowly came back to normal. Just ask your wife to be patient and ask her if you can do other things to please her in the meantime.

We go through phases & stages in life. Perhaps you are entering a new one where you want more during sex; you want an emotional connection to precede the physical one. I'm in the same predicament.