Ashamed

Now the hurt and anger is begining to die down, I feel so ashamed.

I feel bad that I reacted the way I did and gave him an opportunity to say I was obsessed. I don't know how that I could be in just two days. But he said it anyway.

He knows about my depression. Knows that I have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Knows the buttons to push.

I don't like that he implied I was unstable. I only got upset and called him thoughtless and inconsiderate. I mean he posted photos on his Facebook account only 2 days after he broke up with me - him and his wife enjoying a romantic dinner.

It just goes to show that he never really loved me. And I'm pissed off because he said it first. Then called me his soul mate. I never initiated any of it!

I'm trying again. Speaking with other guys. But I feel so broken up. It's like every disappointment and every betrayal puts another brick up in the wall.

And of course I'm a public servant in a public servant town. No one free. No one interesting anyway. No one that moves me. Incites passion in me. All ver dull and boring.

I feel like I have two choices. Be alone or be lonely with someone.

The men that chase me are either married or padestrian. I really don't mean to sound arrogant but I want to be excited and thrilled by a partner. I don't know if I can fake it. The loneliness is palpable. It's with me always. And I can't shake it.

I want someone to move me! Be dedicated to me. Want and need my love. And not be afraid.

I don't want to care and be sensitive. I want to sail through it all. And I tried. I tried to be casual. Having sex with men I didn't even know the name of. It just made me feel empty and used.

I read stories on here written by both men and women. They seem to enjoy nsa sex. Why can't I? Why can't I just enjoy the physical aspect? I mean the men I sleep with. They're all good looking. All eager. They're all satisfied.

But there is no tenderness. No intimacy. How do I find that? How do I get the passion I need with someone who is free to be with me?

I just want these feelings of shame and regret to be gone. I want to be free to try again. Because I will. Even though I will be hurt again and again, I will never give up.
Misseddie Misseddie
41-45, F
2 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I have found with age that the emotional connection becomes more important than the physical connection, and that I'm only interested in the physical when I have a close emotional relationship with someone.

Don't lower your standards because you are lonely. But also, don't dismiss men just because they seem less interesting on the surface.

Its harder, so we find an easier way. Not you specifically, but our culture is trained to take the easy way out. So, these men who fawn over your body say that they want to really get to know who you are as a person. But that's (relatively) hard work. Your body gives immediate gratification, and making a mental connection with you takes time and effort.

I think we all do too much while its easy and give up when it starts taking effort. I feel for you because I too have longed for friends who would take time to really listen to me and seek to understand, for co-workers who would consider ideas before making excuses to do things the same old way, and for lovers who were genuinely interested in making both of our lives better than we had been alone. But everyone seems so exhausted and so impatient, no time or energy left to devote to a project like getting to know someone.

In the short term its a loneliness trap because you've raised your expectations of other people higher than what they can meet. The masses will only disappoint you. But long term, not only will you eventually be happy with the right person, but those expectations you have for yourself and them will actually be what attracts them to you.

That's very insightful. There are some observations I have never considered like not having time or not being willing to commit the time to get to know someone on a deeper level. Thank you for giving me some food for thought.