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Tell Me It Gets Easier Please?

I have never in my life posted to a site in attempts to seek out answers but I also never knew a website with so many similar experiences existed. I'm lost and am losing my strength so I am hoping for some comments to help me clear the fog that surrounds my decision for the future.

So here it goes....I am married with two young children and he is married with two young children. I worked for this man for almost 6 years before anything ever happened past perhaps what some would consider an emotional affair. I had feelings for him that evolved over time, He did too but it was unspoken and we never acted on or discussed the impulses. One fateful night during an annual meeting, without planning it, we kissed and quickly moved to more...I spent the night and then spent the entire next day of our meeting spinning, trying to act as if it changed nothing.

After that we couldn't keep our hands off each other and it turned into a full blown relationship. When his wife was I away I would sleep in their home in their bed...he told me he loved me. The sex was good, not as firery as it was with my husband but the other aspects of the relationship, the pieces that were most important to me were soooo good. We connected on a business level, he had similar interest in everything down to music preferences, he was protective of me and showed me a side of him that the rest of the world didn't get to see. That was my perspective anyway....

About 6 months into the relationship he and his wife started in vitro to have another baby. He claimed he didn't want another but "it would be the last thing he would give her"....? Now that I write it I feel like a fool but I shall continue with the story so you can tell me how dumb I was. They had a baby girl 9 months later....we were still having our affair and planning a future together. 2 months later my husband discovered the affair and called me on it while I was in the midst of moving to take a job in Florida to be able to transition my life to be close to my MM (oh did I mention he lived out of state from me?) I went home to do damage control since my husband called my parents, siblings and his mother and sister to ensure they knew what a C U Next Tuesday I was. Needless to say he stayed, I begged for forgiveness and we moved on. I told my MM that I wouldn't be moving...I couldn't yet. He was devistated but supportive and once again after numerous tears and heartache we saw each other again...this off and on with opportunities for both of us to leave and be together happened 3 times over the years...all three times it was a matter of us being discovered by one of our spouses. But they never leave us and each time we find ourselves realizing we can't abondon our children. This last time I was ready to leave. I wanted to be with him but all the while his wife was saying he was begging to stay, was saying I was nothing to him..she didn't say this directly to me but to my husband through email he thought I didn't have access to. I got confused and hurt and told him to never contact me again...I was tired of the game and felt like it was impossible that we were ever going to find a path to each other. I need to mention before the comments about..."he would never have left her anyway" come. He left, every time. He left and asked me to come with him, held his hand out, got apartments to live in...left and told his wife he was waiting on my decision. Ugh. I love that man so very very much and I miss him. Feel like my heart is gone. In the mean time I am trying to do the right thing and support my husband whom I do love dearly and is a very good man that loves and adores me, I'm trying to be a good mom and make decisions that are best for my kids...be all the things I am supposed to be but I feel like a faker. I feel empty and lost. Every day feels like the struggle of a lifetime to keep from picking up the phone. I don't sleep because I can't shut him out. So go ahead, tell me what a horrible person I am, trust me I don't feel great about these things but there was a spark that I simply couldn't avoid and can't seem to put out.
upsidedownandempty upsidedownandempty 31-35, F 10 Responses Jan 9, 2013

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im sorry, i understand the pain and the confusion involved in this. life is so messy sometimes. i too had a long term love affair with an out of town coworker and the conclusion that ive come to in regard to the decisions begging to be made are that there is no real room for morality here. moral and ethics are the way we impose order onto a chaotic world and they serve best to keep us in line as a society, but any freshman philosophy class on the subject will show you that life is just not that black and white on an individual basis, right?

nothing anyone here will tell you will make a light bulb go off for you and there is no amount of justification that will sufficiently mitigate the pain that is going to come from whatever decision you make. yes, your kids are resilient but that doesn't mean they won't end up resentful of any of the choices you can possibly make. and perhaps your husband is not the ideal partner for you but that doesn't mean the history between you two and the child that you share will allow you true happiness with anyone else. and in that same vein, the messy way in which you and this other man started your relationship by no means dooms it to be a stereotypical failure.

dont let others shame you into making decisions that they think should work. you are the one who needs to live out the rest of your life. what you do need to do though is make sure you can live with the decisions you make. if you choose to be with this other man and it doesnt work out for whatever reason will you suddenly regret leaving your husband? or if you stay with your husband and that doesnt work out, was this the opportunity you should have taken?

my one last point is- unfortunately life is not a fairy tale. thats a truth i live every day. some of us will never get the chance to be happy in the ways that others do. life is just not fair - look around the world and the suffering people embody every day. its not just about right choices or wrong ones, some people dont seem to be fated for the truly good life. sometimes i think if we acknowledge that and try to do what is likely going to be the best for us in an unfair world, instead of expecting a fair shot of happiness based upon our own actions, well then, thats really the best some of us are ever going to get.

Your not bad person. You feel the way you feel and you cant help that. But you and the guy you love need to come to a mutural agreement to tell your partners the truth. Untill that happens you will continue to cause pain to yourselves and your spouses. And the more messy that situation gets the more it will impact the children. I know its gonna be nerve recking but once its done everything will settle down and you can move on. If the other guy refuses to do the same, then you should prob cut him.off cause hes just using you

Step away from the scene, let it go everyday until its gone. There will came another time for another adventure with another man. You now know the routine,the plan, the objective.

Im feeling exactly the way you are, although knowing that we are in a helpless/wrong situation we just tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why do we give so much love to someone and we dont have any love for ourselves or even the strength to get out of all this pain/ emptyness this causes to us!! No strength to move on but plenty of strength or (weakness) to repeat the same mistakes. I wonder if anyone has completely forgotten a bad situation like this and has moved on? how much of our life can we waste on being obssesed with a relationship like this? Its eating us away and we are just letting it happen unfortunately. i wish you (and me) the power to move on and be happy with someone that understands us 100%....

Well... I didn't take the time to read everyone else's comments, but I have been the married man in a relationship, and I know that I am one of the very few that actually did leave his wife for the new relationship. You are not horrible in any way (from biological standpoint it's our nature to seek new partners, but as I'm not an 'expert' and only know one I'll leave it there).

What made me leave my wife (who was pregnant at the time) was the realization that my daughter deserved a father who was healthy and happy. I left a broken relationship that destroyed me personally... but not for the other woman, but because I needed out.

As far as him telling his wife you mean nothing to him, of course that's what he is going to say in the moment. It's what the cheated on spouse wants to hear, and the easiest excuse to make when pleading with a spouse who is hurt and wants to be reassured.

My advice:
1- Make no decision based on either man, or your kids... all your decisions need to be about making you healthy and vibrant again.
2- If that decision means divorce, handle that without the other man.
3- Once you are whole again, then pay attention to whatever relationship you need to. Of course your kids will be affected by everything, but they already are. Love them and be a good parent, but you are the most important person for you right now.

first thing,u r not horrible ,i can understand to a certain extent ur situation,im involved with a mmsince 4 years.im not married but im not expectingnothing from him ,coz it was and it is still sex for him whereas for him,it was love .i gave him everything ,in physical terms,my heart and soul and it has been difficult for me to love or even get interested in somebody else.i feel lonely coz i know he is not with me but i can understand ur emotions for him,wat i can tell u is look for counselling .try to put ur life in order. who comes first ,ur children ,ur husband or him ? whatdo u really want?ur children's happiness.rite,so,put order in ur life ,i know it will be tough ,i find it tough to leave the mm ,im still with him but i know i must look for a partner as well.my life is in disorder and me also i have to put some order in it but the mm comes after ,he is no priority.
i wish u all the best and hope that u will take the rite desicion

Hi there, I am a mother & wife myself! All I can say is "this is a lot to be dealing with"! As the mother that you are, I think you should make a final decision in all of this. Think about the fact that your children need a solid & happy environment. In all of this, going back & forth your children are growing up & perhaps you are missing their best childhood moments, because you are so occupied with that situation. I wish you the best!

Yes, please get some therapy. Not because of the cheating, whatever to that but because you have no sense of you. The whole my heart is gone stuff just annoys me, figure out what you want to do that to be happy, but quit the bouncing back and forth, you only hurt you and your husband. This is why I say get therapy so you can get a better grip on what you want and why you do what you do.

Get help for this. Therapy. There is a women-oriented support forum on ivillage website for women like yourself.

I don't think you are a horrible person. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with or who we need (or think we need) to have a complete life. I don't think either of you are lying to the other about your feelings but clearly you both have enough doubt about leaving your families to actually leave. The fact that you have both tried and failed a number of times shows that. But unless your respective spouses are willing to be in open marriages so you two can stay together, you are going to have to choose one or the other. I kind of am curious about your husband and his wife watching you two try to leave multiple times and yet they don't leave you. How can they stand the constant rejection? Knowing you two are plotting to ditch them all the time. Have you considered a trial separation to give yourself some space to consider what it is you really want to do? You say you love your husband, have fiery sex, and he adores you? (Although he was a weenie for ratting you out to family members. Tsk.) You owe it to him to be decisive as he deserves love just as much as you do. If you can't give him all of you then you need to set him free. You will figure out the best coparenting for the kids and can then be with the person you love. Last, I don't know the answer to these, but since your break up, has your lover tried to call you? If you were to decide to leave for him, would he leave again? Is he as conflicted as you or settling back into his marriage? All these things--along with your true feelings--need to be figured out before you do anything. Oh, and to answer your headline question: It only gets easier when you choose a path and move forward. Best of luck.

Thank you for the feedback. I truly don't know the answer to the spouses...my assumption is neither of them have jobs or tangible skills to gain employment that would allow them the life they are accustomed to. I think for both our spouses without us they are stranded....so they stay. We feel bad for them. For him paying for multiple homes is no problem but for me it isn't an option...so I send my husband packing out of state to stay with his mom. Not good for the kids.
As far as how he is doing with all of this...I don't know. This is the longest we've gone without talking in 9 years. I would love to know but I can't necessarily call without risking should that call be discovered.