Tell Me It Gets Easier Please?I have never in my life posted to a site in attempts to seek out answers but I also never knew a website with so many similar experiences existed. I'm lost and am losing my strength so I am hoping for some comments to help me clear the fog that surrounds my decision for the future.
So here it goes....I am married with two young children and he is married with two young children. I worked for this man for almost 6 years before anything ever happened past perhaps what some would consider an emotional affair. I had feelings for him that evolved over time, He did too but it was unspoken and we never acted on or discussed the impulses. One fateful night during an annual meeting, without planning it, we kissed and quickly moved to more...I spent the night and then spent the entire next day of our meeting spinning, trying to act as if it changed nothing.
After that we couldn't keep our hands off each other and it turned into a full blown relationship. When his wife was I away I would sleep in their home in their bed...he told me he loved me. The sex was good, not as firery as it was with my husband but the other aspects of the relationship, the pieces that were most important to me were soooo good. We connected on a business level, he had similar interest in everything down to music preferences, he was protective of me and showed me a side of him that the rest of the world didn't get to see. That was my perspective anyway....
About 6 months into the relationship he and his wife started in vitro to have another baby. He claimed he didn't want another but "it would be the last thing he would give her"....? Now that I write it I feel like a fool but I shall continue with the story so you can tell me how dumb I was. They had a baby girl 9 months later....we were still having our affair and planning a future together. 2 months later my husband discovered the affair and called me on it while I was in the midst of moving to take a job in Florida to be able to transition my life to be close to my MM (oh did I mention he lived out of state from me?) I went home to do damage control since my husband called my parents, siblings and his mother and sister to ensure they knew what a C U Next Tuesday I was. Needless to say he stayed, I begged for forgiveness and we moved on. I told my MM that I wouldn't be moving...I couldn't yet. He was devistated but supportive and once again after numerous tears and heartache we saw each other again...this off and on with opportunities for both of us to leave and be together happened 3 times over the years...all three times it was a matter of us being discovered by one of our spouses. But they never leave us and each time we find ourselves realizing we can't abondon our children. This last time I was ready to leave. I wanted to be with him but all the while his wife was saying he was begging to stay, was saying I was nothing to him..she didn't say this directly to me but to my husband through email he thought I didn't have access to. I got confused and hurt and told him to never contact me again...I was tired of the game and felt like it was impossible that we were ever going to find a path to each other. I need to mention before the comments about..."he would never have left her anyway" come. He left, every time. He left and asked me to come with him, held his hand out, got apartments to live in...left and told his wife he was waiting on my decision. Ugh. I love that man so very very much and I miss him. Feel like my heart is gone. In the mean time I am trying to do the right thing and support my husband whom I do love dearly and is a very good man that loves and adores me, I'm trying to be a good mom and make decisions that are best for my kids...be all the things I am supposed to be but I feel like a faker. I feel empty and lost. Every day feels like the struggle of a lifetime to keep from picking up the phone. I don't sleep because I can't shut him out. So go ahead, tell me what a horrible person I am, trust me I don't feel great about these things but there was a spark that I simply couldn't avoid and can't seem to put out.