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How Do I Get Over An Affair When I Never Wanted It to End?

well I have been married for one year now and my husband and I have one son together he is 22months. I met a man at my daycare providers house. He is her brother inlaw. We started texting alittle and he messaged my on my myspace page and then thats when it all started. He would go over to the babysitters to see me and hang out with my while i was there. His sister inlaw started to suspect things and so we had to mellow it out. We started finding other ways to see eachother and talk to eachother. we texted all day long and would talk late at night. I would go to his house on tuesday mornings. I could only go to his house on certin days and times because he lived with his other brother. We had sex and it was so great. He made me feel so wonderful and i could be myself with him. I enojoyed every second i spent with him. It got to the point recently were i really wanted to be with him more and we couldn't because people may see us. It got really hard for the both of us. So we decided to end the relationship. I didn't want to, but it really was starting to get hard. I still care alot about him and I know he cares alot about me because he still calls me and texts me. I told my husband about me seeing someone else but not that we had sex. He doesn't want to end our marriage at all, but i'm not sure if i want to be with him anymore. Should I get over this guy and fix my marriage or should I follow my gut and end it and be with this guy? If i leave i will have nothing no place to live or anything... I don't know what to do?????

lostinlust lostinlust 18-21, F 88 Responses Aug 9, 2008

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my husband was always cheating on me and even spends nights out. sometimes he even leave for the entire week end, pretending that he has work, but i know he just go meet women, my life was lame until
i asked robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com to cast a spell for me. so that my husband can be a good man and after his spell, my husband changed automatically, he now spends much more time with me and the kids and we're a family again

I want to thank Prophet Solomon, the spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life after i saw a post on how he helped a lady called Cassie,i decided to contact him for help when i told this Godsent man Prophet solomon on how my lover left me for 3 years without calling or texting ,When i shared this my sad experience with Prophet Solomon, he said everything would be okay within 36 hours , at first i laughed and was skeptical but on a second thought i decided to give it a try and what even surprised me the most at first i thought he was a scam, i thought he was like other spell caster who came online to add pain to peoples pain not knowing their feelings but to make money,But this great man Prophet solomon is not like them, he is all about helping people get their lovers back and make people to be happy with the one they love,Am just so happy,Even before the 36 hours i just got a call from a man who has left me for 3 years saying he's sorry and that he wants me back to his life i was so happy,He invited me for a dinner which i met him there and we both talked and he said he would never leave me for any other lady, he is now more open with me, am so happy all thanks goes to this great man prophet solomon, a man who has brought back joy to my life,Please friends that needs help i would advice and swear that prophet Solomon is the right man and not those fake ones who are online to make money and not to help here is Prophet Solomon's private mail prophetsolomonenoma@hotmail.com. I can assure you that he can solve whatever problem you might be facing in life

You are exactly what you named yourself. LOSTINLUST.
My advice is to STOP being a self centered IDIOT. When you got married you looked into your husbands eyes and promised to love him for better or worse, in sickness and in health until DEATH do you part. You have a son.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Did you want to grow up to be a lying cheating *****. I would guess not.

You are lucky if your husband still wants you even if he doesn’t know about the sex.

Think about how you are going to live with yourself if you divorce, because I will GUARANTEE that this new relationship is NOT going to work out. And when you finally wake up you will have LOST EVERYTHING.

Wake up, before it’s too late.

I feel sorry for you because you are as low as a person can get. Cheating on your spouse is one of the most harmful things you can do to another person. And you are doing it to the two people who LOVE YOU the most in the world.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE YOUR HUSBAND!

Get your head out of your *** and do the right thing.

You have a child. Seriously. What are you doing. Stop.

Cut off all means of communication ...

I would like to share my success and my joy with you all reading this testimony. My husband decided to stay with me, and I know it is dr.marnish's work which has achieved this miracle for me
Thanks to dr.marnish@yahoo.com i am also glad to give out his number +15036626930 for those in need of help to consult him personaly, i thank him from the bottom of my heart.
Ashley williams

my best friend was having an affair he was with her and her husband came home grabbed a knife and killed him 5 kids now without a father are all of you that stupid that you don't realize that most of you are just losers grow up 5 kids without a father one in jail and one dead oh and the women who had the affair cant handled raising the kids alone no kidding people that have affairs are not that bright all of the people on this site are losers if you are having an affair just tell your spouse and move on remember look at yourself stop being a cowered I guess I demand more from a person remember the person you are sleeping with is a loser just like you because to sleep with a marred person you really not a good person so when you say he said he loves me and he knows your married he is just trying to get on top of you and I guess you all are to uneducated to realize there is nothing wrong with falling out of love and moving on just remember what they teach you in preschool do on to others as you would want done to you pretty easy even the dumb of dumb can understand.please please please all of you see some professional help before more people get hurt and killed I don't need my family to get hurt because a stray bullet. The women who say the men there having a affaire with are bad boys or alcoholics that makes you worse just please get help

Well, my story is like all others, beautiful, magical and electrifying. A boy I loved 24 years ago looked me up in 2011 (after breaking up with his gf at the time-because there was something missing in his life). Hearing his voice on May 3, asking a question only I would have known the answer to, we began a whirlwind romance, rekindling that fire we had a kids now a raging inferno as adults. Then, reality comes along and throws its shroud over us. His ex developed cancer. He did the wonderful loving thing, moved back in with her to take care of her. That was November 2011 and he is still there. Promising nothing has happened, nothing is going on. But recently, he let me know that its difficult breaking apart again, as there was no one at fault during their initial break up. I miss the future we used to talk about, how I could feel his love over the distance. We talk all day via text and phone calls, but I just miss that initial feeling. I don't know what to do. I have been completely true to him. I am just looking for answers. Not sure if the obvious is the necessary step or to still follow my heart ignoring my head AND my friends.

try to think about what made you fall for your husband in the first place...is he your best friend? that is key in finding out the path you need to take in your marriage...think about this carefully...this does not only involve your comfort zone, but your husband has feelings as a human being as well and you need to think about how he feels also. best wishes,

Don't leave pray that you get stronger...because you will only have passion you need stability for your children. If I could start over I would've never had an affair. It's taking forever to break the bond the fantasy behind it makes it worst seem more real or legit than it is cut it off but trust I know how you feel

I'm hurting so bad...my husband struggled with intimacy married 20 years 3 kids teens now one in college. So I left got in touch with a old crush from high school we made love I felt like I had died... The ****** that came out of me was magical. This man held me for nights and days we madelovefor hours sometimes we wouldn't even eat. I was so thirsty for love,affection,for intimacy. He gave me all of that but he didn't have anything else. I'm a housewife I'm educated a smart woman but I chose my husband and our children over a career. If I left I would lose retirement,our rental property and our family heritage. The other man is an alcoholic so sweet and kind but when he is drunk it's a hot mess. I'm stuck n limbo I want to feel all of him inside me I crave his touch, kiss,his passion is amazing.......he says I love you I melt. I've never felt passion like this ever. I never knew sex could be so deep and full. I was married for 20 years I had no idea I could feel this way help

I'm in the same situation......I love this other man but he isn't for me a x con.....no license,owes child support,hustler I car, no real job. No money no nothing but he makes me feel good. I want my marriage back I gotta get over this man. He loved in a way that was pure or was it just pure manipulation...I'm hurt sad confused angry.....it's my fault falling in love with a dream oh yea he's an alcoholic too somebody pray for me

wow, what’s the word I’m lookin’ for............STUPID! Look at how you described this man. Do you really think that a relationship will last with this loser. REALLY,
get your head out of your *** and pray that your husband still wants you.
On top of STUPID, YOU ARE A LIAR AND A CHEATER. You are marked as that now, if not to anyone but yourself. You truly need some serious help. Good Luck!

I am a 24 years old women, who was in a relationship for six years. I met my boyfriend when I was 17, and then got pregant when I was 18. I don't ever regret it, my son is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But we were young and were very different from the start, but I love him. He was my first real love, my first committed relationship. I thought the issues we had were normal and would get better. Fast forward to last year. My boyfriend and I are very unhappy, we had broken up for a few months, and in that time he slept with someone else and had an on going relationship with her. Even though we were broken up, I felt, idk wrong about it. I felt insecure and hurt. I got so I started taking diet pills and not eating or sleeping. All the time my boyfriend couldn't even see my pain, and he still texted this girl every now and them and still had her on his Facebook. I work in a garage selling tired. There was a guy, a mechanic who I used to be friends with awhile ago. So he asked me out on a date, of course I said no, I have a boyfriend. But he didn't give up, he pushed harder, said he cared about me. Said he was so attracted to me, and yes I was attracted to him as well. There was such a strong physical attraction, I had never felt that before. All he had to do was walk by me and I'd go crazy. He texted me everyday, and I started to lean on him as a friend. I loved talking to someone when my boyfriend didn't want to talk at all. So friendship became a hug here and there, then a kiss then well, you can guess where it went. It was amazing, he did everything right, made me feel beautiful and sexy, it was the greatest, most passionate sex, I've ever had. Afterwards though, I felt awful. I lost so much weight you could see my entire spine and the bones in my back. My boyfriend still treated me like crap, and even though I am an outspoken person, I'd just take it because I felt I deserved it. So it became a cycle. I'd feel terrible at home, then go see this guy and he'd make me feel wonderful. But a few into it, I couldn't do it, I felt like a horrible person, I felt dirty. I left my boyfriend. And of course the other guy got closer to me, told me he cared, wanted it to go somewhere. I panicked and ran back to my boyfriend and hurt the other guy. Not even back two weeks things got bad again. And this guy came back around, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't live that way. I dedicated myself to my boyfriend for seven months I stayed with him, loved him. But I wasn't happy. So eventually I left. I didn't see the other guy though. It wasn't a choice between two guys, it was a choice for me, to be happy. I still think about the other guy, I still work with him, but I don't say anything about it to him, he doesn't even know I left. I realized it didn't matter if I cared about him, or him me. I can't enter into a relationship with someone that evolved touch pain and lies. I won't do it. There is still a longing there sometimes, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I am happy finding myself, taking care of my son and just living one day at a time. So do what makes you happy, try not to have fear. I feared leaving my boyfriend, but he didn't give me what I truly needed or I would have never cheated. If you and this other guy are meant to be, it will. If not you will move on and believe me, find someone else and be happy.

My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss PRECIOUS E my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr Abulu and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr Abulu of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo com

I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I cam across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man Dr Atingo that helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help atingospiritualtemple@live. com

As a man I am wondering if u can give me some advice... I've been in an affair with my husbands friend for 8 months. He persued me and we hit it off right away. 4 months into it he told me he had feelings for me. And things were fine. 3 months later he told me he was in love with me. We are both married so I just put it in the back of my head. We went from sex once a month to once a week by nov. Now just a week ago he called it off said it was wrong and he was stopping. Guess my question is. Is he really or will he come back to me. I miss him so much and will see him once a.week cuz he comes over. He still text me everyday. Except now cuz he is on vacation with his family. What are your thoughts on this relationship are we done????

I had an affair with the most gorgeous man I've ever seen. I drooled over him for three years before we actually got together. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH IT! For one, I am married with children. Also, he has a longtime girlfriend/wife (not sure what she is to him). So, basically, he was just using me, which really hurts because I was so in love with him. And, I hurt my husband so badly. It's not something I can fully make up to him. My advice: DON'T DO IT!

I am in a similar position to some of you guys. My best friend met his girlfriend whilst we were on a night out. I thought she was beautiful and it was me who talked to her all night. I wasn't trying anything as I was a married man. We just spoke about all sorts. I urged my single friend to get her number, which he did and they have been dating since. She has 2 beautiful girls from her husband who cheated on and left her. We have always talked lots over the last couple of years, mainly texts. We would share problems and advice with each other, laugh and joke. About 3 months ago the texting became flirty. We both admitted we had feelings for each other and that we knew something would happen between us. It did, we met up a couple if times and got intimate but no sex. She then felt guilty and was hot or cold on a daily basis so I ended it. We still kept in touch via text and the odd call which was nice but not like before. Then she found out her bf had cheated on her. I was the first person she called for advice and comfort. She stayed with her bf. a few days later she called me and it was just like old times. We flirted and decided to meet the next evening. We did and got intimate again. She called and texted me every day over the next few days whenever she could. Then just stopped! 1 or 2 texts per day. We had arranged to meet but she came up with lots if excuses why she couldn't. This is what she had done before. I ended it again and called her a liar. Then she called crying last night saying she wasn't and that she wanted to go back to the start. I said I couldn't do that and told her I had no feelings for her and that she should get on with her life. The truth is I want her so much. Today I have decided to end my marriage. My wife is a great person who doesn't deserve this.

An update to my situation. If anyone has and advice or ideas I would love to hear them.
We got in contact again last Friday. She told me she was peed off with me. 9 out if 10. I tried to make her laugh all day via texts. On the Saturday my wife and I met her and her partner us some other friends for drinks. After a few she and I were talking as much as we could, touching etc. we both said we should make more effort and wanted to carry on. We managed to steal a kiss, just before her boyfriend walked around the corner. He went mad that we were alone. He has been suspicious since she told me about his affair but in reality this was him trying to deflect the attention for what he had done away from his cheating. He stormed out. She came back to the hotel and stayed with my wife and I. He came back later. Still angry. They both left early in the morning. He sent me a text saying I was too close to his girlfriend and I should only communicate with him, not her. I haven't heard from her since. She has a habit of backing off then gets in touch a few days later but I'm not sure this time. I sent her a text this morning but have had no reply. That isn't unusual though. I would like some advice on how you think she is feeling. Do you think she is scared? It's obvious we have feelings for each other. I think I love her. I don't want to lose her and see a future together with her no matter what the cost. Any ideas? Thank you.

Hi I just wonder if you still in contact with her

I have just ended an affair because the man who apparently loves me so much is gutless. I understand that he has two children and falling in love with me was a shock considering he is married to the same woman of 12 years but you don't string someone along, tell them how much you love them and want to be with them and make plans with them if you cannot leave. I have spoken to male friends at length about it and they all said the same thing; if he truly loved you it wouldn't matter what was standing in the way. He would give his all to be with you and suffer the consequences, not keep making excuses and pulling you back in everytime you tried to end it because it was hurting you too much and you knew it was the right thing to do.
He has a new job and it takes up a lot of his time. I was just starting to get over him and he sent me a long email saying 'I now know I can't give you what you want/need/deserve' and for that I will have to suffer the consequences of losing you - blah blah blah! All about him. I emailed him back and was so angry, wanting to know why, after a month and me getting over him, he had to spark it all off again, the selfish b*stard!
So I slept with someone else on the weekend and texted him straight away. He said that he could never come back from that. What!?! It's ok for him to still be with his wife, string me along and expect me to wait for as long as it takes for him to get his act together, but it's not ok for me to try and get over him by getting under someone else EVEN though he told me it was over!?! Double standards or what!?!
Part of me desperately wants to tell his wife. She deserves better than to be with someone who lied to her, showered me with gifts and took me on holidays while she stayed at home with the kids. She deserves to be with someone who loves her and isn't gutless. But hey, what goes around comes around and he will get his come uppence in the end. Again double standards. He has been sleeping with someone else, hasn't been honest about me to her but will probably go back to being with her - that's ok is it??? He will find someway to justify his action. It's ok for him but not for me!?!
As for me, I am single and need time to mend my broken heart. I have been single, on and off, since ending my marriage 7 years ago. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't pressing my buttons anymore. Life is too short and we only get one chance. I am a very resilient person and have been through a lot. Now I guess I can just tick the 'had an affair' box as well AND learnt from it. Basically everyone, just don't go there. In the end, too many people get hurt regardless of the euphoria you feel at first and the promises they make.

I understand exactly how you feel, although I was the married female having an affair! We have finally ended it after 3 painful attempts at stopping it! Each time was so painful for me and my willpower lacking. My lover was single and from the beginning we knew there was no future but ending it was so difficult! We tried we went back we tried then failed again! All I will say is I understand how difficult from the other side it is, but if it helps you please understand its not easy from the married side either, especially when there are children involved! I would be in heaven if I thought my lover would wait for me or situations in the future should change but I know that is a big unfair ask! I hope this may give you an insite into understanding his behaviour, I know I've got to let my lover go but it's painful and difficult not to go back particularly when there are very strong feelings there! Saying that I am female and we definitely think more deeply into things than men do!

Thank Clare. I'm not sure if that's your real name but when I saw it, it freaked me out because that's HER name. Anyway, I wrote that post 6 months ago now. Of course I went back to him but not for long. His brother found out about me and pinched him in the face. It was a wake up call for him and he decided to stay with her. I threatened to tell her because I would want someone to tell me, but surprisingly enough he grew some balls and told her himself. They are still together and are trying to make it work; apparently. We don't have anything to do with each other and hadnt done since December (aside from trying 'friendship' in March) and it is better that way. It wouldn't be fair on her or my wonderfully trusting and amazing new boyfriend. All I can say from the experience is that I never want to go through something like that ever ever again. I try and look at everything positively and the only thing I can take away is that someone loved me intensely, madly, deeply and I look forward to the day my new boyfriend and I feel that love. THIS time though it will be in a healthy way without barriers.

Omg I am in the same spot !! But I told mine I had sex with him and my husband want to work our marriage out I am trying abut I jut can't get over this guy but me am my husband have been together for 12 years married 8 I just found with time my husband is not someone I really want to be with I don't know what to do too everyone say we need to stay together for our son so maybe that's what I will do be unhappy for my son will have a good life

Dear Lbs 1984, you wrote this over five months ago. There are many reasons people get married but to my understanding the main reason they get divorced is because they've realized being together doesn't work for them. I left my husband when my daughter was 3 1/2 yrs old. We established a good co-parenting relationship and always took her to the other, never away from the other. She is now 28 yrs and I asked her if it was difficult to grow up going from house to house like that. Her response surprised me but made perfect sense. She said it was fine, just like going to any family member's home, you know going to Dad's or going to Grandma's.

When people stay together for the children but don't want to be together, the negativity grows and impacts who the child become. If the choice is all under one negative roof or two happy roofs; which would you and your husband prefer for yourselves and your son.

I wish you all the best.

Hi
I'm not sure what I'm about to say will help!!

I myself have just come out of an affair, not through my choice I was un happy with my husband for 2 years & started the affair 6 weeks previously to ending my relationship with my husband.

My husband and I have been together 16 years, we have 2 children, I loved my husband and craved his affection so much but he just dismissed my feelings as me being 'stupid' "people don't Show affection like that!!"

Anyway I was close to a guy who felt the way I did about his wife, he also left his wife for a few weeks but when things got tough from my husband begged his wife for forgiveness and went home.

He kept contacting me saying, he loved me not his wife and was only there for the children!! Sob story he wanted his home comforts & me on the side basically.

During these past 5 months my husband has proved just how much he loves me by taking me back time & time even when he knew I didn't want to be with him..

The final straw came last week when I'd been bk home with my husband for 5 weeks and this guy contacted me again I was so sure that my relationship with my husband was bk on track that I could meet have coffee and laugh in his face but I got sucked in again..

So 3 days ago I told my husband we had been bk incontact and he still stuck by my side I told him the whole truth, why the affair happened, why he made me feel good etc... I've promised I won't ever contact this guy again & my husband has promised he will treat my like a wife he is in love with and stop dismissing my feelings..

I'm sad about this guy, but like My husband pointed out he never really loved me it was just 'fog' if you love a woman so much he would have left his wife, set up home and asked me to join him with my children, not expected me to leave my husband and when he could find the right time him leave his wife!!

He was just selfish wanted his cake & to eat it!!

Anyway I know all this but still love him, when I thinknif him I replace the thoughts with the times I've been happy with my husband & play over and over he's just a cheat & never loved me, I hope this works!!

I now need to re kindle my relationship with my husband I don't feel the feelings of kissing & sexual yet but I hope within time this all comes back...as all I've ever craved is his love!!!

Hi all,
This has been a therapeutic experience reading these posts as I have been going through a very similar situation myself. I had two affairs this past year. I got pregnant and married quick at the age of 19 after dating the guy for only 3 months. He has now been my husband for 8 years. After years of not talking to any of my old guy friends I looked up one friend from high school who I started chatting with on facebook chat. We got close and he asked for my phone number and we would call and text each other. He's a local movie director from the town I grew up in and he'd make movie suggestions for me to go see and we'd discuss the movies together. It was nice escapism and I enjoyed the intellectual discussions with him after so many years of not having many intellectual dicussions with the opposite sex. My husband had become very estranged and recently working nights so had been working all night and sleeping all day. I went back to visit home up in Michigan and this high school friend and I ended up having an affair. I went back to visit a few months later and we had another affair. I tried cutting it off many times but the guy was very persistent. My husband was in the dark about anything going on. I got the vibe that the guy I had the affair with was dating and trying to move on so I did too. I would still hear from him every so often about how he still loved me so much and now I was the best sex of his life and how he'd do anything for us to be together some day.

As that started to die out, I started getting texts from a work friend of my husband's who we often hung out with. He would ask me if my husband was working and wondering if I wanted to hang out. I blew him off for the longest time. One night when we were drinking he joked that we should go out to dinner sometime and somehow my drunken husband agreed that I should go out to dinner with him and keep him company.

The dinner ended up going much better than both the guy and I anticipated. We had an amazing evening together and went to another bar to drink at afterwards. We talked and clicked and there was so much chemistry between us. As he was driving me home he was rubbing my knee and I was rubbing his... we pulled into a parking lot and started making out.... and I offered that we go to his place and finish things instead of fooling around in the parking lot where people would see us.

We had an intimate night together, not sex but other things went down. I went home that evening and my husband thought that his friend and I had just had an innocent dinner out together when much more had happened.

This guy and I started secretly dating and he would come over nights my husband was working late. My husband was completely oblivious. It got to the point where the guy wanted me to move in with him. I have two young kids with my husband as well. I didn't know how it would all work.

I went to the guy I was having an affair with's home one evening and he convinced me to tell my husband I was staying with him that night and we'd discuss things more later.

Once I was back home I opened up to my husband about the affair. He was completely crushed. I went back to stay with the guy who I cared for for a few nights. It was wonderful to be together but I felt bad for hurting my husband so much and for leaving my kids.

I went back home and told the guy I was having an affair with I'd be back. I wrote him a note goodbye and left it in his apartment when he was at work and told him where I hid his spare key.

This was only a week ago. My husband opened up that he has been a drug addict for some time.... I knew he smoked pot here and there but didn't realize his full daily dependency on it.

My husband destroyed all his pot stuff and said he's quit for good and wants to change. He's been trying to make up for lost time by writing me daily haikus, doing housework, helping with the kids, writing sweet things on my facebook wall, etc.

The thing is, it is a LOT at once. I am still reeling over the breakup with the other guy. I still have strong feelings with the other guy. I miss him so much I ache for him daily. And yet I have my husband suffocating me trying to make up for lost time. I still love my husband as the father of my kids and out of respect for our long time together but the passion is lacking that I feel with this other guy.

I feel so hurt and broken and confused. I wish I could just seperate from my husband and be on my own and find some clarity but I don't have the money to do that as I am a full-time student right now and don't work.

I texted the other guy tonight and told him I was sorry for how everything went down and told him I still had feelings for him. I had tried to cut myself off but I had felt such a strong need to get in touch with him again. He said he still loves me too.

It just sucks, all of it. I'm not sure what the right path is. Do I stay with my husband, even though he broke things long ago in our relationship and I still resent him for it? Even though he is trying so hard to fix things now? Do I try to repair things with the other guy who I still feel so deeply for and miss so much?

I'm just so confused and lost... any insight would be helpful...

stay

I am so saddened to read these post. I am a victim of a husband that had an affair and all I can say to you all is please please stop. It is a selfish choice. Why is your marriage lifeless? Have you stopped giving as much as your spouse? I agree-a long marriage can be very tasking and the love that was once so new is gone. But it is a choice that you both made to stop trying so hard. Don't you see that the "affair-person" will eventually get old? And if you and your "affair-person" end up getting together you are going to have deep trust issues. How will either of you ever trust one another when you both know that the other will not be faithful if things ever "get old". So-please think about the choice you are making.....love is hard, but if you make a huge change and all of a sudden show your spouse that you care-----they just might end of caring too. But please, stop having an affair. It is a cut that takes years for both people to heal from. My husband and I are divorced now, but I love him so much and just wish that he would have stopped and grabbed ahold of me and said I am having an affair and I don't want to any more....I wish he would have told me that he loved me too and that he wanted to fall in love with me and only me again. Try this! What do you have to lose. I promise that other person is worth losing!!!!!!

Been married for 12 years. We have 3 kids but the relationship has kind of become "routine ". So when an old high school crush looked me up on Facebook things moved really quickly. From casual chatting to sensual text to erotic pics . He even flew into town to see me. Although we are both married with families I know the relationship is never going to go anywhere. He doesn't want to leave his young children and neither do I. I think what stimulates me the most is the excitement , the passion and the new-ness that comes along with a brand new relationship. But I had to reevaluate myself and endvthe relationship because I realized that its more lust than love. In the long run we all really need love and not someone that can only provide stolen moments, brief physical satisfaction and tells you lies. They provide a fantasy not a reality.

I am having an affair with one of my best friends wife. Its been going on 10 months and I ended my own relationship not necessarily to be woth her but because I was unhappy and I'd had a taste of what true love felt like. She is still with her husband and I know she loves me deeply but she has a child and this is a major barrier for her as she cant bear the thought of sharing birthdays/christmas etc. Reading some of the comments above about how some of you ladies have still felt hugely in love with the other man but couldnt leave fills me with sadness as i expect the same situation will arise with us. The thought of this alone is so utterly devastating that i have been considering ending my life. I feel so stupid to have thrown away my other relationship rather than looking at and working through our problems, ive pursued a dream which is unlikely to be reality and there is no escape. I felt love would concor all but in my heart i know she wont leave, not for the foreseeable future. Now i could reel off a list of reasons as to why its so amazing but everyone who has been in this situation feels that way otherwise it wouldnt be the most painful thing in the world to be parted from them. The most difficult thing is unless i move away she will always be in my group of friends but if i move i isolate myself and become lonley and have to start again which i dont have the stength to do. I hate myself for getting into this absurd situation and i have no idea how to escape it. I pray that god gives me the strength to get through this and im not overly religious but i need to have faith in some higher power.
The annoying thing is that I know she loves me more than her husband and we would be so amazing together but there are so many barriers in the way. We are having space now as this has taken its toll on both of us and I guess we'll see if we can live without eachother. My fear is that this space will allow her to get over me and move forward with her life whilst i pine for her and cant move forward with mine. Its such a tragic situation.

Same boat. I've been married for 14 yrs and I am trying to end an 8 month affair because I want to do what is right for my 2 daughters. But i don't miss him any less as time goes on. I know that he/his lifestyle is not right for me. He is an "outside of the law" kind of guy. Harley Club, etc. I am a professional woman. He sparks feelings, excitment and desires in me that I havent felt in years. I imagine spending my life with him..but reality is, I have already created one. And I have to live with it..right? I just think it is so sad that I made the wrong choice at 19..Well, right for me then..but I have changed so much..and I have to live with it forever. Its kind of a hopeless feeling.
I know that my "boyfriend" sees other women, etc. Funny thing is that I don't care. It has nothing to do with self respect or esteem..its just that I think I would prefer to be in a casual, open relationship..rather than smothered by the marriage I have created.

I had an affair on my husband of almost 15 years. The man I cheated on him with was a guy who used me for sex right out of high school. He was terrible person who left me in my car one night after we hooked up at a party and I had drank to much. He left me in the car parked in a restaurant parking lot while he went into his house. I found him on Facebook. He never got married or had any children. He lived with a girl for 8 years but during that time I ran into him and he tried to get me to sleep with him so I know it wasn't a consistent 8 years. We dated for about a year and I never told him I was married. He broke up with me when he realized I was avoiding him coming to my home. He is a terribly mean person but provided me with an escape to what was not a very fufilling marriage. I told my husband everything and he forgave me but has seen that I still have contact with the man I had my affair with and I am on the verge of losing him. I miss the escape and have had a difficult time dealing with the loss of my affair. My husband is a very nice man and the man I had the affair with is terrible. He is mean and self centered and would very vindictive to me. I do not know what is wrong with me as I am very smart and make over $125K a year and I am a cute girl. I feel like I destroyed my life because I want to go back to the person I was before and I can't. During this time I let my kids down with the distraction and let my responsibilities at work slip. Has anyone gone through this and do they feel so lost after this exprience? I am destroyed. How could I miss someone who treated me so badly and not be able to refocus on my kids and husband?

I am the husband of the post above. It's funny that I've been reading these posts to try and heal emotionally and found this. Anyways, I forgave my wife a few months back for the sake of the kids. I understood why she did it and took 50% of the blame. However, I've since decided to leave my wife and here's why: (1) I don't trust my wife as she re-contacted with her ex. (2) This was not a one-night stand but a 2 year affair. (3) My wife has since been miserable when I thought our relationship was heading in the right direction. I had to realize that "FANTASY LAND" will always be easier than working on your own marriage. She's stuck emotionally in fantasyland (4) I've also been struggling with thinking that I maybe don't measure-up sexually or as a companion like the ex she was with (5) My wife hasn't taken responsibility and isn't remorseful for what she did. She felt justified with it putting it on me that it was my wake-up call to get my-self together for her. This was evident as she recontacted her ex and offered herself-up for sex and that it would be fun and not to complicate it. (6) By her post above it's obvious she misses and still loves this person that treats her badly. (7) I do love my wife as the mother of my kids, but it's clear she doesn't love me, doesn't put any real effort into our relationship, or sex (8) The fall-out from this affair is starting to affect the kids as our fighting has intensified to coming to blows, which is unacceptable. (8)When I told my wife I was leaving her last night she said not to right now as she's having a hard time at work and not to add anything to her emotional bucket. That statement showed me how selfish she still is. While she was having the affair my emotional bucket wasn't taken into consideration as I was watching my father die of pancreatic cancer (9) I also realize that my wife is just as self-centered, terribly mean, and vindictive like her ex-boyfriend. They're perfect for each other! I told my wife that she needs to go back to him since he makes her happy! As I'm writing this I'm out of the house. (10) I realized that time with her now is wasted time. I'm hopeful that I can pick up the pieces and heal emotionally in a positive way......to be a better father for my kids who I love and mean everything to me. Also, to be ready for relationships in the future.

I guess this is my diary to clear-up my thoughts. I go thru different emotions all the time as I realize the marriage must end. There was never any chance of getting my wife back after the affair. I had already lost her emotionally and physically.

If I was a better husband maybe this wouldn't have happened. I also think that maybe it's a good thing as we already had a very abusive and negative relationship. She is a very very cold person who is in the most abusive co-dependent relationship with her mom that I've ever seen. They try to out hurt eachother by saying horrible things to eachother. This relationship was projected onto me and I would find myself getting hooked into it also all the time, but with my wife. During one fight I told her that no matter how much weight she lost I would never touch her again. That she was a heffer. She said her affair started that weekend.

The reason I forgave her originally for the affair was because I started to have strong feelings for someone else where my wife and I both worked years earlier. The feelings were just on my side and not reciprocated. Although I didn't have a physical affair, but an emotional one, our marriage had a poor foundation. I was susceptible to one potentially happening. My wife and I just have a bad relationship.

I eventually lost my job for what happened and embarrassed my wife where she still worked. It was a horrible thing for me to do. Easily the mistake I regret the most in my life.

However, my wife forgave me and eventually we worked on our marriage, but it was still a negative unfulfilled married. My wife never measures up or gets approval from her mom, which has caused severe pain emotionally for her. Unfortunately, this has also been projected onto me where I never measure up either to my wife's expectations. It's my wife's way or the highway. The glass is always half-empty and I don't get any credit for anything positive I've done. I also get compared to other husbands and what I'm not doing. It's ridiculous !!!

How can someone tear you down constantly without it not having an effect on you in a negative way.

What I've learned is that I married someone just like my mom, who tore down her husband(my dad) too!! I was attracted to an abusive wife to tear me down also.
My part was to be Mr. Apathetic, which was the same part my dad played. I married someone exactly like my mom when I always swore I wouldn't. It's completely crazy to think about.

In the end my wife and I have nothing to latch onto to save our marriage. Granted, she's still in love with the other guy, but even if somehow our marriage was saved it would still be short lived, negative, unfulfilling, and empty.

My wife has never been interested in serious counseling where the faults of both are exposed with a plan for a positive resolution. My wife would only go to someone that agrees with her where I'm the one that has to do all the work. Where she never has to do really anything. The more I think about it it's a miracle our marriage lasted for more that 15 years. However, not going to counseling to work on her own issues is starting to backfire as there all culminating. This combined with taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills each day. She's getting close to having a nervous breakdown. I don't know if guilt & shame are part of it or if it's that she just misses her ex that she still loves and just aches for him daily.

I love my wife and still find her attractive and the last few months have been horrible with this and the combination of my father's passing. But I do want my wife to be happy and to have a positive relationship with her mom. Also, to eventually be with a man where they can have a good relationship without any negative outside influence. But a relationship that is loving, supportive, accepting of one another, warm, not forced, and fun. Where you want to work on the marriage and that is built with a strong foundation to get thru bad situations.

Unfortunately, our marriage was rarely any of these. It's really sad. We both blew it !!! I wish things could've been different, but now it's just about trying to protect the kids.....

Wow, I thought my situation was unique, I guess I'm not alone. I've been married for 18 years and my affair has been going on for 10 years. He was married but divorced and as someone else mentioned he doesn't want me to put my family through what his went through so he wants me to wait until my youngest is 18 and graduated (about 2 1/2 years from now). Problem is as it gets closer I'm getting more and more scared. I don't know if I can go through the divorce. My family is very close knit and loves my husband probably more than me. I'm afraid my entire family including my kids will hate me. He talks more and more about us being together as time passes but I am really scared. I've gotten to the point where I've tried to break it off but it doesn't last. Last time we stayed away from eachother for 9 months but he came looking for me at home when he knew I was alone. I really want to end it because I don't want my kids to see me as a cheater and lose respect for me but I also can't see myself in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.

I'm not judging, but u are 'cheating' your husband out of his life.. TEN years..
I hope & pray if my wife is/was unfaithful I'd find out so I could enjoy MY life with or without her..

All positive thoughts and much support going out to all of you in emotional circumstances. I too have felt very much the way most of you feel and a year later it is still very difficult to get over it all. I have a loving friends support system, my husband is very supportive and yet it is still hard. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe I was very much supposed to go through this.
Thank you for all these words I can relate to. I hope we all find our ways regardless of our choices, nobody knows what the heart can survive or the lengths it can go to find its place.

I am 6 months out and still feel the loss some days as if it just happened. Do you still want to be in the marriage? Does your spouse know about the affair? Would like to hear more about it to help me thru it.