Anywhere....

Well. Things must be looking up. I've only had one cry today. That was when I was in the car and a song by The Presets came on. It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment. The song is called "Anywhere".

The main meaning for me is someone who has loved in the past. It shows in their eyes as a sadness. But she is warming up. Getting better. Stronger. But the lyric that really choked me was "the ones you loved you lost completely". That is so true.

The two men I have loved in my life I have lost.

The first was Paul. Oh he caught me. But he was emotionally unavailable and ended up cheating on me. God that breakup was heart wrenching.

As per usual he wanted to get back with me but as far as I could see it was just the sex he was missing and not me.

I bumped into him again about 10 years ago. The attraction was still there. He asked me out for coffee. But I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted more. But the two young children in the pram and the wedding ring on his finger put me off.

I wish that had happened this time.

So the one I'm getting over now. Michael. Married with a child. Emotionally unavailable. In real life anyway. He was perfect on paper. Just the kind of man that excites me. Creative, sensual, emotional. A real lover of women. Dangerous.

But this morning was the first time in over a week that I haven't woken up with puffy eyes from crying. The first time I haven't woken up with an emptiness.

I feel like I can start to breathe again. I feel like I can put make-up on and do my hair. All the stuff that makes me feel good. I put perfume on this morning too. Opium. Just like my mother used to wear. It gives me such comfort, that smell. My mother took good care of herself as well.

She always told me. "Edwina. You have to go through pain to be beautiful".

I'm thinking that that can translate to life and to the heart. You have to go through pain to live. You have to risk pain and rejection. A safe life is boring and meaningless.

Here are the lyrics to Anywhere:

Deeper, I know you want it deeper
You know you want it deeper
I think we're going deeper
I know you want it

Faster, I know you want it faster
I know you want it faster
These days we're moving faster
I think we're moving

Further, I know we're going further
You know we're going further
Yeah, now we're climbing further
And I can see it

Warmer, yeah, now you're getting warmer
Feel like you're getting closer
Yeah, now you're getting so hot
Feel like you're burning

Surprise, surprise, you're on your own
It's in your eyes, the love's you've known
And the one's you loved
You lost completely

Darker, outside it's getting darker
Yeah, now it's getting darker
At last it's getting darker
And I can see it

Louder, yeah, now it's getting louder
The noise is getting louder
The night is getting louder
And I can hear it

Stronger and now you're going stronger
Yeah, now you're getting stronger
You're finally growing stronger
And I can feel it

Surprise, surprise, you're on your own
It's in your eyes, the love's you've known
And the one's you loved
You lost completely

So let yourself down tonight
Anywhere, I'll take you out tonight
Anywhere, put on that dress you like
Anywhere

The one with birds on it, they're flying around
Now when you're short of breath
Go anywhere and when your heart's in pieces
Anywhere, I'll take you out tonight