I met up with a friend today for coffee. Yes coffee in 37 degree heat!


He is in a D/S relationship with a dear friend of mine. I'm sure she told him to ask me out for coffee while he was visiting in Canberra. You see, when I was in Sydney last week I met up with her for lunch and basically cried the whole way through it. I don't think she's ever seen me cry in all the 15 + years we've known each other.

Anyway I was looking forward to having coffee with him and just talking. All other times I have been around him has been with my dear friend and such is their dynamic that he fades into the shadows a bit.

Well. He had a lot to say today. He is highly intelligent and when not being an obedient subbie, quite opinionated.

He really is a good man and after listening to me gave me some insights and perspective on my breakup with the married man (Michael).

Together we picked it apart.

Basically Michael feels trapped. Of course I knew this, why would he be posing as a single man online if he wasn't miserable?

He obviously thought that I could fill some gaps in his life. Propping up his awful self esteem and giving him the intimacy and closeness he so desperately needs.

But when we met up and made love it all became a bit too weird for him.

My friend thinks he's a weak man who prefers to be comfortable in his family and mortgage. Even though it brings him down into a pit of despair that he is too afraid and lazy to extract himself from.

I knew that he was afraid, but the fact that he is weak never crossed my mind. And the realisation of that today has- in a way - set me free somewhat. You see it has nothing to do with me. This feebleness is all his.

And the funny thing is that I was prepared to prop him up and not disrupt his home life. I never once asked, nor expected him to leave his wife. I was quite happy being in the background.

And on reflection, he was a selfish lover. All the talk about how he lives to please a woman. When I gave him his first bj, well he was hooked and it was all about his pleasure. He asked for more and more. I guess he came too much, and as they say, the guilt only comes after coming.

Dont get me wrong, I'm very orally inclined and was happy and very willing to do it again and again but in retrospect he took and I gave.

I'm still in love with him. My head says what a fool I am but I have always been ruled by my heart.

Even though I have gained some perspective today, I still remember the good side to Michael.

His tenderness, his vulnerability, his perspective on life. The way we connected. All that affection and longing for him is still there.

I wish it wasn't

But it is....

Misseddie Misseddie
41-45, F
Jan 11, 2013