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Dear Jonathan And Our Two Children.....i'm So Sorry.

Tomorrow 01/13/13 is the1 year anniversary of my relationship with the man I'm having an affair with, the man I compromised my entire life for, the man I chose over my family when I got caught 6 months ago, and the man I currently live with today. And 1 year ago tomorrow I believed that my marriage wasn't worth my efforts anymore.... Well, the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is the ONLY thing in my life that makes sense to me now.
I filed for divorce this past week and I can't even begin to describe the pain in my heart as I watched someone my husband didn't even know hand him the few pieces of paper that would eventually leave our once perfect family in ruins. I am devastated about my marriage ending and sometimes I feel like I should just grab our children and a bag of clothes and walk out of the house that I now share with my affair partner and never look back. I will be the first to admit that I not only regret all of the mistakes I've made that have brought me to this overwhelmingly depressing chapter in my life, but I will also say that I take full responsibility for my poor judgment and know that no matter how bad our marriage may have seemed at the time when I had given into temptation... it doesn’t justify or compare to the devastation I caused to the man I've known for over half of my life or to the hurt I see today in the faces of my children and the pure confusion in their innocent voices when they ask "Mommy? Why don't we all live together anymore?" If I could go back in time and do it all over (knowing what I know now) I would already be gone. With my whole heart, I miss you. I miss “us” and the way we loved each other and how even during the coldest times of our lives our love was warm enough to keep us alive. I miss the way I depended on you and you depended on me, I miss coming home after work (before the affairs began) and feeling like I was home. I miss you, and I’ll miss you for the rest of my life…. No one will ever come close to touching my heart as deeply as you have. You are truly the love of my life and without you, a part of me will always be missing. I wish I could tell you that I love you Jonathan and have you respond with that smile I forgot I loved so much. I wish we were in the kitchen making dinner together and sharing a bottle of clos du bois Chardonnay. I wish we were lying in bed telling Jokes and riddles about "baby elephants" like we use to do all those years ago. I wish it was me that you were dreaming of tonight and not the someone new that I don't even know. I wish that our children still called it "home" and not "Mommy's house" and "daddy's house". I wish I had been stronger and fought harder to protect what was once "everything I ever wanted" but above all, I truly wish you all the happiness in the world Jonathan even if it isn't with me. I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow too. Wife
Annie3321 Annie3321 26-30, F 86 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Your Response


my heart goes out to you. i imagined this scenario and pulled back from leaving my wife and family

Wow how sad. As a prior cheater, when I feel the urge to contact my OM, I will read your post


Why did none of this enter your head BEFORE you had and affair?

Thank you should have known better.

I can't believe you just got this grown man to cry so quickly and easily and I'm at work. Not good. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, beautiful and real peak into a fraction of the pain you must be feeling. I don't know if it does any good, but that is exactly the kind of confession that David gave to God after his affair and murdering the woman's husband to cover up getting her pregnant. And God says David is a man after his own heart. Every single one of us have looked over the fence. Many of us have jumped. Some of us get caught, some of us get away with it, but very few of us have your type of integrity and openness to share the truth. I did not look at any responses below, but I'd imagine you've attracted your fair share of "finger pointers" and "head shakers" on here, as well as your fair share of pervs hoping you'd have an affair with them. I was drawn into your profile because I'm in Marketing/Advertising and saw your idea for the car, but never expected to find this. You just shook me to my bones with this as I'm newly separated and we have not told our children yet. Your description of yourself under your Advertising idea was eerie because it sounded like you were describing my wife to the "T". It would be an honor to be our friend as it sounds like we have a lot in common and both wear our hearts on our sleeves. Are you a Gemini like me by chance as well? (Noticed we write our feelings.) Could use a friend.

I wrote this story a year ago tomorrow, and I still feel the way I did when I sat down and wrote it... I think I can still taste the tears that dripped down my face as I typed my heart out. I did talk to my husband in fact he himself has logged on and not only read the above story but read all of the comments you all have posted. Our situation hasn't changed a whole lot over this past year but our children are growing up before our eyes while we stand still unable to move from this awkward situation we have grown to comfortable in. It's like we know we can't go back, but neither one of us feel right moving forward... Every decision no matter how big or small, feels like a bad one. The affair was just a fraction of how much trust would be broken between us... While I do not blame him at all for my poor judgement in having the affair to begin with, he does rightfully hold himself accountable for some of the spiteful choices he made that had a direct negative impact on not only me, but on our children.
I wasn't malicious in my reasonings to have an affair, and while yes, I knew it would devastate him upon discovery but it was never my intention to go out and have an affair for the sole purpose of hurting him. My husband can now see my reasons as to why I felt the need to turn to someone else and understands that they are reasons and not excuses... For there is no excuse for what I had done.

I hope , I truly hope that everything work out well at the end. We all commit mistakes, and sometimes to learn things in life we need to excavate deep and hurt ourselves in order to understand. Please forgive yourself , men do those things everyday and they feel no remorse .

whoa.. to say men feel no remorse is not only wrong it is hurtful.. I felt extreme remorse when I left my ex but I knew in the end it was the best for both of us.. I was not happy in our relationship and she was not either.. it took me leaving for her to realize that.. she met a very nice guy that she fell in love with and actually thanked me for setting her free to find him. things happen for a reason.

This is without a doubt one of the most beautifully written and painful stories I have ever read here. Thank you for having the courage to share it. I am absolutely speechless.

Sigh. My mind is running a million ways on this.. I like the reasons vs. excuses. My husband has always said.. Even when I was crying my eyes out and telling him how unhappy I was in the marriage.. Yes, but I feel just fine. And I could never understand how he could be so happy when I felt like we were broken in half.. Stopped kissing, holding hands, exchanging gifts, hell.. Even having basic compassion for each other in every say life. I felt like I tried and tried and tried and then I just could not try any way. My heart was so full of heavy sadness by the broken promises to fix his temper, his lack of empathy or emotional connection.. And we were stuck. When I told him about the affair, he sent me an email the next day immediately forgiving me and saying.. I'm strangely proud of you for the way you have handled yourself. Very mature and not blaming. You made it clear that you chose to deal with the broken parts of our marriage in an unhealthy way and also, I strangely don't blame you for this. You have been telling me for years how broken all of this has felt to you and I haven't listened one iota. I get it.

I told my Mom and his what happened and both hugged me and cried and said they understood.. And my mom was the victim of this years ago and his mom was the one who strayed because.. She was married to his dad and it was the exact situation.

I'm not sure why I'm pouring all this out in response to your post, but it touched me deeply and I wanted you to know that. Thank you. Peace to you and yours. Xo. M

Annie, I am so sorry. I commend you for facing up to what you did. Not one word blaming your husband. If someone reads this and doesn't get the point.... I wish you well. "To err is human" etc

thank you Robert.

I wish I knew your husband and I would pass this on to him , you made a mistake we all do , now that you are suitably contrite he might consider giving you another chance , everyone deserves one , whoever you are , tell him please , for both your sakes he may be dying inside , what's the worst that could happen he will say no but you are already split up so you will still be where you are at best he might offer that you work things out , take a chance , it's worth it

I'm a daughter who caught my mother having an affair, and I wish she had a heart like yours. She has not one ounce of regret or guilt for what she has done to my father. He is the kind of man who would change his whole life for her, and he wanted to work things out. I'm not the kind of person who can't forgive my mom for having an affair, it's what she did after the mistake that I can't forgive. So don't be too hard on yourself, because I'm sure your children will forgive and love you.

My father had affair and moved out. I know i will not forgive him. But he was still my father and I have some respect for him.

Were do i start??
I've been with my now wife for 9.5 yrs we now have 2 girls one 6 and one 9 months beautifull girls
after finding out in sep 2011 that she has had well over 8 affairs one lasting a whole 2 yrs tells me the only real time we were together was when my first daughter was born till she was bout 6 months
Find out drove me insane broken fingers prison swat team hospital court cases and most of all heartache!!
Why??? How did she have the nerve to look at me everyday tell me she loved me we r going to grow old together for 10 yrs? How do u guys do it?
It's been just over a year now and we have managed to stay together she says she loves me and I say it back with a smile though deep down once my girls are older it will defiantly be over
Say what you guys want but I am a man who also came from a family were my mother had an affair I always wished back then my parents never split up its ugly coming from a broken family and
my kids will not go thru wat I went thru try at least keep it together for the kids sake regardless of how much time your wasting cause believe me you don't want history repeating itself

Making mistakes is something we are all capable of and often do.
Annie, you write as if you had the perfect marriage before surrendering it for the "love" of someone else. Surely that cannot be correct? There must have been some underlying problem that led to your decision to have an affair!
It is true that we should learn from our mistakes but to have threatened your family's well being, for what now appears to be so little, would suggest you continue to make them.
No decent person could read your story without being moved by your deep regret and emotional distress, but if you could have your husband back do you think that the original mistake would not repeat itself again in the future?
That would be catastrophic for every single one of you.
I would also say that your present relationship sounds as if it has already come undone and it would be perhaps worth considering making a clean break as soon as it is humanly possible. You owe that to your children and yourself. You cannot move forward while feeling trapped by your present circumstances.
It might just be that your husband still loves you and would welcome the chance to give it another go with the family he obviously loves!
You made one mistake Annie, time to put regret behind you and move forward for the sake of your children, your ex and yourself!

My wife is having an affair on me right now. I wonder if she will feel this way some day. I miss her so much, and I still love her. I don't know how to let go.

I am sorry to hear that Drew and would like to tell you something that may be of use to you in the future.
When I met my wife I told her that I would give her absolute honesty and in turn required that from her. We were and still are very much in love after 24 years of happy marriage.
Humans sometimes confuse sex and love as the same is of course not the case! Being 14 years older than my wife I explained that if she did ever want to have sex with somebody else I would not stop her but would need to be the first to know! I have never been the jealous type and sex for sex sake has never been a taboo subject for me.
In 24 years we have had complete honesty from each other and my wife has had 3 or 4 sexual encounters that she asked me if I minded before the event took place. I love and trust her totally and she enjoyed the encounters for exactly what they were.....pure sex! She doesn't regret them and neither do I. Our own love making is superb and my wife always says she doesn't know why she bothered having sex with someone else. I always laugh at that and tell her sometimes the urge just get's the better of us all, but keeping it a secret would put up barriers between us and that leads to destruction. Nowadays she has no interest having sex with other men but we are happy that our trust and honesty with each other could not be breached by any outsider. It definitely made our marriage rock solid and very interesting. She and I have never felt trapped or restricted by marriage and the freedom she has always retained meant she never got confused with love and sex.
You will get over this terrible emptiness you feel at the moment Drew and perhaps your next relationship can be based on true honesty.
I do not suggest you follow our sexual lifestyle because we are all different but total honesty truly is the key to happiness in a loving relationship.
I wish you well my friend.

Very nice reply and advise. I told my wife many years ago to go take a lover, which she did and has done many times since, but she always tells me. It is only sex much like her going and playing sport and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Don't let go: especially if you have children. Don't allow yourself to be walked on either though.... You need to do what is best and what feels right for you. Remember, one day you'll look back and say one of these three things: I'm okay without her because at least I know in my heart that I fought as hard as I could for my marriage.
OR-- I'm so glad I never gave up because we were able to find our way back to each other. OR-- I wonder what would have happened if I tried harder to save my marriage.

I don't know about you, but I could live with option 1 or 2 but I couldn't live with option 3
Stay strong and trust yourself to know what is right.

What a beautiful piece, so emotion filled

That's a powerful confession, I'm sorry there are so many self righteous people here who feel like they have a right to talk down to you for it, like that have any idea what your situation is besides what they just read. Good for you for owning up to your mistakes. I hope that whatever happens you and your family can find peace and move forward in the best way possible.

You are really arrogant you that? You accuse me of being self righteous and then you ask for forgiveness for what me and what other users wrote?
I find it amusing that the original author said nothing of the more harsh comments and you step up and feel the need to make a scene. Grow up!

That's the kind of non helpful attitude I was talking about. You take away other people's responsibility for their actions. You think you are being helpful?
It's like if I say something to someone who posted a text on the Internet, is it really your place to comment? Or is it between me and the original author. As I said, if you take so big an issue, go to a moderator or administrator.
And don't ever take an attitude like that again. It's not helping anyone and I find it quite offensive. Just to make clear, unless it is a grammar error, I won't change a comma in my text. And this guy sure as hell is not responsible for my actions or to apologise on my behalf.

Look man, you want to talk to me about this feel free to message me, there's enough comment ranting on the internet without adding to it. I'd be happy to defend my actions if it's really bothering you that much.

wow. What a bunch of bull. It's like you're crying to yourself about the mistakes you make so you keep on making them. If you really feel that way about it, get on your knees and beg your husband to take you back.
Cheating for me is a deal breaker and if I was your husband I'd probably make sure you only got to see your children again every odd weekend (just out of spite). If that is not the case for you, be glad and beg for him to take you back. Running away won't help. Quite the contrary. You made a mistake, it happens and now you know.

Beg, grovel, implore, do whatever you can think of if you really want him back. You can't turn the clock back but you can make things better and you can show him that you are willing to fight for your relationship. If he says no (he can and that is probably why you are choosing the easy route out of it), then you can move on knowing you did your best to correct that mistake. If you don't try, you will always feel guilt and you will not have a happy life.

The woman just bravely poured her heart out and confessed something she did wrong, she's obviously working through a lot, and you just **** all over her. Who are you to talk to her that way as she's working out what happens, maybe she will talk to her husband, maybe he won't talk to her at all so she wrote this letter and posted it on here as a warning to anyone making the same types of mistakes. She LOST HER FAMILY i think that's bad enough without your self righteous judgments.

Not self righteous. I am by no means perfect (soooo far from it actually...).
It it's just my opinion based on her letter. Too much self pittance ("...oh I wish..." "...oh how I want to...") and not enough fight in it. If she didn't want to get feedback on what she wrote, the internet is surely a bad place to pour your heart out.

What I posted was merely a "wake up and smell the roses" or rather, a "Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get your *** in gear!" type of thing. I find these way more helpful than a group crying session where feelings of commiseration and self punishment are plenty and nothing gets actually done. Again, in MY experience.

Also, she didn't loose her family. They are still alive. It's up to her to change it.

And I dare because:
a) it was not disrespectful
b) not of poor taste
c) because I felt like I should tell this.

If you don't agree with it, take it to a website moderator. I could really go without your self righteous judgement on what I wrote.

I understand what you are saying. And you are correct... Fear of... Well, a lot of things actually 1) not being able to trust one another and finding ourselves in a resentful relationship having to keep my guard up because I can't trust he isn't lying to me and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to even the score and/or "sleeping with the enemy" per say, fear that I would loose them both and along with that my home, my job (I had an affair with my boss and when my husband left I couldn't afford all the bills and mortgage so my affair partner and I found a place and moved in together) and if I were to loose all those things I would also loose my kids. My husband moved in with his mom and dad... They pay for everything for my husband and I didn't have that option. A lot of the choices I made were made while in survival mode but the consequences of those choices only buried me further into the mess I'm in... I honestly believe I made the best choices at the time given my limited options. Yes, I put myself into hot water, a mistake I will own but kicking myself in the *** about it won't keep me from drowning now will it? This isn't an attempt to have a party, this is an anonymous website where I can say the things I can't say out loud... And maybe my story will touch another person who is thinking of having an affair and stop them. I didn't write this to convince myself that I'm the victim. I wrote this because the damage to our lives is done and I can't change that but if I can save another family from going through what we have, maybe our tragedy won't be just a tragedy.
I do really understand your "tough love"/ "get proactive" approach and generally that is my kind of lifestyle... However, I know my husband better than anyone else in the world, he needs to kick and scream and get his anger out. He is quick to react with spite and therefore "begging for forgiveness" would only give him the opportunity to hurt me in return and I know what you are thinking... "Good, you deserve it!" And maybe so but do our children deserve to have their family reunited back together only to have it ripped away from them again. Absolutely not. And the only thing that you said that really bothered me was the fact that you openly admitted that you would use your own children as weapons simply to hurt your wife out of spite. I can not even begin to explain how damaging that would be to your children and you would be the cause of that pain. Please think about what is in the BEST interest of your kids and do not let your hurt feelings interfere with your parental responsibility. Being a bad spouse doesn't automatically make you a bad parent.

PS- you wrote the above comment on my birthday which also happens to be the day my husband broke into my computer, found out about my affair and left me.

I am not thinking you deserve what is coming (or not) frankly it is irrelevant and a bit of a strawmen (I see what you are trying to say and one can get that impression from my previous post but I never really said it nor meant it to be taken that way). What I basically meant was that for every action there is a reaction and his reaction will be what he thinks is fair.

Thinking he will fool around will get you nowhere either. As far as you know, he never did it so why stop trusting him now? You were the one who fooled around not him and frankly, that statement doesn't help me being sympathetic since you (yet again) place yourself in the victim's role.
Taking the fact you have children, if he takes you back I highly doubt he will just "cheat you back". That is not adult behavior and I would be surprised anyone out of college will take that path. In fact, I can say this for certain; if you have a serious commitment to each other (and you have kids), he will rather be honest and tell you he wants to move on instead of getting back into a relationship and cheat you like a 16 year old.

What I said about begging and groveling were actually suggestions for you to do whatever you think works best. What is important is to admit you made a huge mistake and own up to it and to the ensuing storm. You may end up not getting him back but at least you'll get a bit more respect and a more pleasant relationship on the long term (thinking about the children and all).

As for not getting children into the midst of it, I would probably go easy after a while but for me, cheating is breaking a bond of thrust and I would be very weary of trusting that person with my kids (and it's not just related to sex. Cheating as in not owning up to your responsibilities is also as bad, would you trust something ho said was at work and instead was drinking all day?). I am not saying that it is fair but that is my way of thinking.
As for kicks on the *** saving you from drowning, well, at least they get you nearer to the surface don't they? If you look at the physics behind it that is. And by no means have I suggested that you go ahead and take a hasty decision. You are pretty good at doing it yourself Like the one about moving in with your boss. Ouch! Now there's a nice ticking time bomb. By the general tone of your post, I highly advise you to search for a new job ASAP anyway. That minefield you got there will eventually blow up in your face and it is better to be prepared (just think of your flat mate and partner position. How long till he starts to have doubts? How does he behave when you want to spend time alone? Can you talk to him about your former husband and family? Is his support waning after the affair got older?). Again, don't take this as an attack and purely as an "it's your own fault post". As you put it, it is advice from someone who has been through a minefield before and blew several of them and is still recovering (3 years of damage and basically a stagnant life). And whose best help was a major kick in the *** coming from an unlikely place. Granted, in a different state of affairs and in a different period in life (no kids) but still, if you know what you want, plan for the best way to get it and do it.

ps - it sucks to be caught on your birthday. Hope you had a nice one. But I can't avoid pointing out that this particular bit of information is rather pointless isn't it? I don't know if that was your plan or not but it appears that you are trying to get more sympathy from readers and me and frankly, that only adds to my initial belief that you are, yet again, playing the role of the victim.

I honestly, from the bottom of my heart hope you manage to sort your life out. But I don't think you have showed the right attitude yet. Of course, this is all over the internet and I don't really know you (or have any plans/ desire to do so) so take my comments from what they are. A guy who has some life experience loves exploring his own head (an amazing one if I may say so myself) and is taking a 15 min break from work.

I just split with my wife of 18 years after I had an affair. My relationship did not include kids - my wife took me for granted totally and sex was terrible. I fooled around and fell in love. Your confession expresses feelings that people can't possibly understand unless they've been there - it's obvious mAIOR is clueless. I too wake up every morning wondering what I could have done to change it- make it work. I didn't have any fight for it in me in the end which oddly told me I should not be in that relationship. Yes, you want the marriage for your children and you miss the "family" aspect but that alone probably isn't worth the hollowness of serving out a shallow marriage. The things that drove you to your affair are actually all still there and you would most likely find yourself remembering and not accepting the same lack of emotion and excitement that drove you to have the affair. In my case we had both moved on to other interests and virtually separate lives - the things that attracted us to each other in the beginning were gone and my efforts to romance and my desires for affection were continuously being pushed away - ultimately I realized she was hurting me and in the end she pushed me away. I was stunned when she was deeply hurt to learn I was cheating on her - she certainly didn't show me any interest before she learned of my affair. I keep thinking if she really loves me that much why isn't she reaching out and offering forgiveness? I haven't seen any signs of her desiring to put our marriage back together- in fact she is full steam ahead let's get this over and done with.

There are dynamics that someone who has not gone through this range of emotions would understand - everyone thinks they understand it but they really don't.

As for you - I truly hope you can come to peace with yourself and work on Annie and what makes you happy. I feel much happier in my new situation though the divorce is not final yet and when that day comes next month I know it's going to be a tough day when I sign the paper work. We tend to minimize the bad parts of our relationships and only think of the good times.

I also hope you are getting some council and not totally blaming yourself for what happened. You obviously weren't happy in your marriage and when all of this turmoil happens we tend to forget the problems that caused our dissatisfaction in the marriage. Life is too short to settle. Sorry your husband is vindictive - if there is a chance to get back together he needs to do some reaching out to you - you've been the martyr long enough!

My sister divorced after 25 years of marriage and the kids were teenagers - she'll tell you it would have been better to divorce while the children were younger - the teenagers used it as a rational to manipulate and they became hell on wheels. Fortunately one has now gone off to college and he has adjusted well - time will tell if the 15 year old daughter makes it or not - she's a demanding hellion right now.

Sorry my note is a bit scattered - I'm typing into a box on my iPad that only allows 4 sentences to be seen. Overall - thanks for posting your heartfelt confession - you are very expressive and a good communicator. Reality is- you will have a major hand in raising your children - you are their parent and most likely your marriage would end up where it ended eventually - it's important for you to be happy and not beat yourself up. I know over time you will find a balance!

I am so happy you shared your true feelings. I almost left my husband for the man I was having an affair with. My husband fought hard for me/us.

Here I am 1 1/2 years later and sometimes wonder if I would be happier with the other man.
You made me think about how lucky I am. I know I made the right decision.

Thank you!

3 More Responses

It seems that you still care for him and him for you. If it bothered you so much and you could see the hurt in him why go through with the divorce. I could tell you still care. I can hear the hurt when you talk about the memories. If you wished you had fought, why not fight still. I am not criticizing, I am just trying to understand, why if there is still love there why walk away? Why hurt the people you loved and cherished? Why not fight? Like I said I am not criticizing just curious.

this confession made me cry...

Everyone is capable of losing ground in their lives. I know I did. But I am slowly getting it back. It is very hard not see MM anymore, but I keep my wits about me and my moral compass right there in front of me and somehow everyday I make a different choice.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was truly heartbreaking but I think you were supposed to tell your story because some of us need to hear to keep us strong.

I am printing this to give my wife so she knows the other side. Thank you for sharing

get ur life bck girl!

Maybe I was a little harsh: but you need to talk to your husband. And your kids. As a child who grew up with a parent that cheated, it messed me up. You need to explain why these things happen but let them know it's not ok.

My wife cheated on me once, we are still together but the hurt has never left my heart and probably never will. I still find trusting her difficult.

Do you now wish you made a clean break from each other? Or is it still better to be together?

Hi, it is much better to be together, I still love her

Dear Annie, I'm sorry. I too had an affair. I must remind myself to appreciate that I am still married, even though sometimes I miss the 'other man'. My husband and I are good together - I'll not fail him again. Thankyou for sharing your story.

I agree, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Put your pride aside, and go to your husband. Tell him. Do not go down without a fight.

That's really sad... But the only thing you can do from here is to start over again. Before you do, see a therapist.

Find out what made you vulnerable to making bad decisions. There is something there, something that doesn't work right, something deep that you don't see or understand within yourself. Maybe it was put there by trauma or bad parenting and you never realized it... If you don't find it, you will only endlessly repeat your mistake - and you do see it as a mistake, at least there is that. That means there is some hope to learn from it.

But blowing up whatever life you have now is not learning from it, that's running away from it. That doesn't fix anything. That's an emotional reaction with no good outcome.

This is an extremely honest letter of the heart from a lover wishing she had ability to turn
back time.

Annie - I wish you luck. It is a big step in realizing what took place was wrong. Accountability is the first step of any recovery. I hope for your family's sake that all goes well. God bless.

You need to fight for this marriage. Period. The kids are the ones who will will benefit from this in the long run. Have you sat town with him and let him know that you want a second chance for your sake and espscially the kids? Please think about the difference betweeen your kidz turning out well adjusted when they are older or turning out to be kids with issues you never could have imagined. You have to fight for this.