Dear Jonathan And Our Two Children.....i'm So Sorry.Tomorrow 01/13/13 is the1 year anniversary of my relationship with the man I'm having an affair with, the man I compromised my entire life for, the man I chose over my family when I got caught 6 months ago, and the man I currently live with today. And 1 year ago tomorrow I believed that my marriage wasn't worth my efforts anymore.... Well, the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is the ONLY thing in my life that makes sense to me now.
I filed for divorce this past week and I can't even begin to describe the pain in my heart as I watched someone my husband didn't even know hand him the few pieces of paper that would eventually leave our once perfect family in ruins. I am devastated about my marriage ending and sometimes I feel like I should just grab our children and a bag of clothes and walk out of the house that I now share with my affair partner and never look back. I will be the first to admit that I not only regret all of the mistakes I've made that have brought me to this overwhelmingly depressing chapter in my life, but I will also say that I take full responsibility for my poor judgment and know that no matter how bad our marriage may have seemed at the time when I had given into temptation... it doesn’t justify or compare to the devastation I caused to the man I've known for over half of my life or to the hurt I see today in the faces of my children and the pure confusion in their innocent voices when they ask "Mommy? Why don't we all live together anymore?" If I could go back in time and do it all over (knowing what I know now) I would already be gone.
With my whole heart, I miss you. I miss “us” and the way we loved each other and how even during the coldest times of our lives our love was warm enough to keep us alive. I miss the way I depended on you and you depended on me, I miss coming home after work (before the affairs began) and feeling like I was home. I miss you, and I’ll miss you for the rest of my life…. No one will ever come close to touching my heart as deeply as you have. You are truly the love of my life and without you, a part of me will always be missing.
I wish I could tell you that I love you Jonathan and have you respond with that smile I forgot I loved so much. I wish we were in the kitchen making dinner together and sharing a bottle of clos du bois Chardonnay. I wish we were lying in bed telling Jokes and riddles about "baby elephants" like we use to do all those years ago. I wish it was me that you were dreaming of tonight and not the someone new that I don't even know. I wish that our children still called it "home" and not "Mommy's house" and "daddy's house". I wish I had been stronger and fought harder to protect what was once "everything I ever wanted" but above all, I truly wish you all the happiness in the world Jonathan even if it isn't with me.
I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow too.
April 8, 2016
EP is ending soon and there are a lot of you out there that have contacted me through messages and I would still like to be able to help and comfort those of you who have and/or want to reach out to me. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.