Unromantic, Sexless Marriage, Until Break - AffairI'm a guy. I have been in a sexless marriage for 10yrs. Inasmuch as I am very sexual, (male nymph), I succeeded to stay away from sex before marriage due to religious reasons. It was NOT EASY. Before our wedding, I had read about starting sex slowly so that both partners can get used uniformly, which I did in our honeymoon, though I had been so starved, besides resisting temptations from other girls on religious grounds. We started very slow, once every other day, which continued to twice per week, once per week by our third year. By this time, we only had it because I really insisted, which she always ended up telling me to get done because she was sleepy, even after just 10 minutes. Only did missionary style, don't dare ask for any more or else I would not even get the missionary offer. Sometimes she would sneak into bed while I was working in another room because she knew I would never wake her up for sex. On our 1st year of our marriage I started to read more to understand women and what they exactly want in bed. I was determined to crank her up. I would give her gifts and little surprises e.g. earrings, watches. One time I got her a dressy suit. She did not like it. I asked her what she didn’t like with it. I learnt from what she said. Went again another time and got another one, which she liked this time. On Valentine’s Day gatherings with friends, I gave her gifts that made her friends jealous. I know because they commented to their husbands. I did more than ½ of the house chores. She was full time student not working, while I was full time working paying all the fees. Still did not crank up.
Kept reading, and learnt how to listen to a woman, learnt every possible hot spots a woman can have, massage styles, oral sex, what women like and hate, also learnt that different women like different things etc. The most frustrating thing was trying to apply anything I had learnt to my wife. She vehemently rejected anything other than missionary style. One time I bought a set of assorted KY massage oils and gave her a warm top to bottom, front to back massage exactly the way I read. I the past she had commented she would love a massage. When I got done, she said she enjoyed it then said she wanted to sleep. Not wanting to make her think I was setting her up for sex, I told her it was okay. That was painful. Before long, I started feeling as if I was raping her since I had to beg for sex, and when we did, she always said I needed to get done. I ended up telling her I would only have sex when she felt she wanted it. At these times, I would wait more than a month, then begged her when I couldn’t wait any longer.
TRYING MORE: When I read about women hormonal issues, I begged her to be checked, which she reluctantly accepted after 3 yrs of begging (our 6th yr), after which she told me the tests showed she was okay. This was killing me. I had avoided sex from my teen age keeping myself pure for my queen (wife) then this was what I got? Remember, I am a nympho, I want sex at least 3 times a day. Whenever we had sex, along side her asking me to get done fast, she had a one shot policy. As soon as I came it was over even if it was after 2 minutes. My pns would erect again just after few minutes, only to be cooled off by the air around the room, all alone. By then she was dead asleep. Due to the one shot policy, I learnt how to hold for a long time without coming, one time pushing it even 1 hr, though I had started hearing the 'get done' phrases on the 20th minute.
TRYING HARDER: Looking for a fun activity we could do together, to help us synch, I asked her to play a board game with me just for fun, which I begged for more than 1yr, and when we did, she dismissed, ‘That’s all you wanted?’ I signed up for Netflix and begged her to at least watch movies with me. Whenever she did, at the hype of a fun scene, I was disappointed only to look at her to share a fun stare, only to find her head down asleep. I gave up and started watching alone. I looked for a married couples support group, which we joined with my wife, where I leant from other wives that women's sexuality was not fictional. It existed. I hoped my wife was listening what I was hearing. But it didn't translate to our sex. Kids started coming, thought they would break the sexual doors open? I had read women who had never had an orgsm O would at least have one during pregnancy. She was so beautiful and swollen when pregnant. I babied her around, did all the house chores, got her gifts, complemented her, but NO SEX. When kids came, I woke up at night when the baby cried, because she had been with them all day and was tired. I still had to go to work in the morning leaving her home with them. I gave them 5 baths for every 1 birth she gave them. All this because I loved her, also trying to make things easy on her, trying to crank, crank, crank.
BURNING OUT: At work, I experienced sexual urge spasms which I hid under my desk. On our 8th yr, my tolerance went down. Never asked for sex. Never showed romance. My body ached for sex, I could not even concentrate at work. Started wondering if my chemistry was bad. Urges for sex started destructing me everywhere. I started feeling dangerously sexual. Extramarital sex had never been an option in all the million options I had. But now…
TERRIBLE BREAK: At 91/2 yrs of marriage, my guard went down. I accidentally came across this lady, less than 5yrs younger, who was coming from an abusive marriage. We started off by having long phone conversations about life, past and present experiences, and about spouses. My mind exploded when she said how she terribly missed sex. I realized my guard was down since I was enjoying the conversations. I had resisted many girls over the years but I could not contain my aching body listening to her. She was a starved nympho. One thing led to the other and we started having it. She was the 2nd woman in my life to have sex with. She was sexually experienced than me. I decided to apply everything I had learnt about sex. On our 1st time, I gave her oral, she thought I had an orgsm O tool on my tongue, until she touched my bare tongue with her fingers to believe I did not have any tool. I told her I had just read how to please a woman and that I was just applying the knowledge for the 1st time. She did not believe me and literally said I was lying, and that I was too good. I got distracted by her strong orgms Os one after the other. I thought she was kidding. Just oral!! There after, we had sex sex sex sex. Real sex. Some sessions lasted 8 hrs. I had learnt how to stay up for a long time, something she really loved. I was surprised to see her rolling around the bed with multiple orgsm O spasms, more than 10 Os at a time, which instead, I was used to hearing, ‘get done now’. I could not believe hearing her asking for more. All think confirmed what I had read about women sex was really true. She loves the way I knew how to stimulate her entire body at the same time, sometimes with my mouth, both hands, nose and chin, all at the same time.
WHAT NEXT: This is an affair, something I hated and I had never thought I would ever engage in. However, my sexual frustration was dangerously high. I always hear in news about men and women who raped girls and boys while they had their wives or husbands at home. I always wondered what had got them to doing something which even them knew was very wrong. I started seeing the picture of how sexual frustration could cause terrible hurt to innocent lives, something that I would never live with. Since starting the affair, I realized I stopped watching prn and had started concentrating at what I did.
I love my wife as a friend, not romantically. She is a good mother. But my romance and her’s are not compatible, which is dangerous for a marriage. Sorry to say, but I am 95% pressing for an amicable divorce, without any hurts. My kids are amazing and whatever the resolve, I’m willing to support her even if I keep the kids, which I want this resolved amicably.
FINAL WORD: Though divorce was not in a million things I would do, I’d rather be known as a divorced and remarried dad by my kids and friends, than be known as a sexual predator after ‘accidentally’ preying on innocent lives after my sexual frustration breaks out of control.
I AM NOT ADVOCATING FOR AFFAIRS. I AM JUST TELLING MY STORY AS IT IS.
ADVICE: If you are unmarried, discuss sex in detail with your partner before marriage. You’d rather go to a sexologist before marriage than after marriage. Focus on what you know can break your relationship even before you start it. To some people, it is sex, to others money, kids, anything however foolish.
I hope this helps someone. Thanks.
lovegentle 36-40, M 14 Responses 8 Jan 17, 2013