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Unromantic, Sexless Marriage, Until Break - Affair

I'm a guy. I have been in a sexless marriage for 10yrs. Inasmuch as I am very sexual, (male nymph), I succeeded to stay away from sex before marriage due to religious reasons. It was NOT EASY. Before our wedding, I had read about starting sex slowly so that both partners can get used uniformly, which I did in our honeymoon, though I had been so starved, besides resisting temptations from other girls on religious grounds. We started very slow, once every other day, which continued to twice per week, once per week by our third year. By this time, we only had it because I really insisted, which she always ended up telling me to get done because she was sleepy, even after just 10 minutes. Only did missionary style, don't dare ask for any more or else I would not even get the missionary offer. Sometimes she would sneak into bed while I was working in another room because she knew I would never wake her up for sex. On our 1st year of our marriage I started to read more to understand women and what they exactly want in bed. I was determined to crank her up. I would give her gifts and little surprises e.g. earrings, watches. One time I got her a dressy suit. She did not like it. I asked her what she didn’t like with it. I learnt from what she said. Went again another time and got another one, which she liked this time. On Valentine’s Day gatherings with friends, I gave her gifts that made her friends jealous. I know because they commented to their husbands. I did more than ½ of the house chores. She was full time student not working, while I was full time working paying all the fees. Still did not crank up.
Kept reading, and learnt how to listen to a woman, learnt every possible hot spots a woman can have, massage styles, oral sex, what women like and hate, also learnt that different women like different things etc. The most frustrating thing was trying to apply anything I had learnt to my wife. She vehemently rejected anything other than missionary style. One time I bought a set of assorted KY massage oils and gave her a warm top to bottom, front to back massage exactly the way I read. I the past she had commented she would love a massage. When I got done, she said she enjoyed it then said she wanted to sleep. Not wanting to make her think I was setting her up for sex, I told her it was okay. That was painful. Before long, I started feeling as if I was raping her since I had to beg for sex, and when we did, she always said I needed to get done. I ended up telling her I would only have sex when she felt she wanted it. At these times, I would wait more than a month, then begged her when I couldn’t wait any longer.
TRYING MORE: When I read about women hormonal issues, I begged her to be checked, which she reluctantly accepted after 3 yrs of begging (our 6th yr), after which she told me the tests showed she was okay. This was killing me. I had avoided sex from my teen age keeping myself pure for my queen (wife) then this was what I got? Remember, I am a nympho, I want sex at least 3 times a day. Whenever we had sex, along side her asking me to get done fast, she had a one shot policy. As soon as I came it was over even if it was after 2 minutes. My pns would erect again just after few minutes, only to be cooled off by the air around the room, all alone. By then she was dead asleep. Due to the one shot policy, I learnt how to hold for a long time without coming, one time pushing it even 1 hr, though I had started hearing the 'get done' phrases on the 20th minute.
TRYING HARDER: Looking for a fun activity we could do together, to help us synch, I asked her to play a board game with me just for fun, which I begged for more than 1yr, and when we did, she dismissed, ‘That’s all you wanted?’ I signed up for Netflix and begged her to at least watch movies with me. Whenever she did, at the hype of a fun scene, I was disappointed only to look at her to share a fun stare, only to find her head down asleep. I gave up and started watching alone. I looked for a married couples support group, which we joined with my wife, where I leant from other wives that women's sexuality was not fictional. It existed. I hoped my wife was listening what I was hearing. But it didn't translate to our sex. Kids started coming, thought they would break the sexual doors open? I had read women who had never had an orgsm O would at least have one during pregnancy. She was so beautiful and swollen when pregnant. I babied her around, did all the house chores, got her gifts, complemented her, but NO SEX. When kids came, I woke up at night when the baby cried, because she had been with them all day and was tired. I still had to go to work in the morning leaving her home with them. I gave them 5 baths for every 1 birth she gave them. All this because I loved her, also trying to make things easy on her, trying to crank, crank, crank.
BURNING OUT: At work, I experienced sexual urge spasms which I hid under my desk. On our 8th yr, my tolerance went down. Never asked for sex. Never showed romance. My body ached for sex, I could not even concentrate at work. Started wondering if my chemistry was bad. Urges for sex started destructing me everywhere. I started feeling dangerously sexual. Extramarital sex had never been an option in all the million options I had. But now…

TERRIBLE BREAK: At 91/2 yrs of marriage, my guard went down. I accidentally came across this lady, less than 5yrs younger, who was coming from an abusive marriage. We started off by having long phone conversations about life, past and present experiences, and about spouses. My mind exploded when she said how she terribly missed sex. I realized my guard was down since I was enjoying the conversations. I had resisted many girls over the years but I could not contain my aching body listening to her. She was a starved nympho. One thing led to the other and we started having it. She was the 2nd woman in my life to have sex with. She was sexually experienced than me. I decided to apply everything I had learnt about sex. On our 1st time, I gave her oral, she thought I had an orgsm O tool on my tongue, until she touched my bare tongue with her fingers to believe I did not have any tool. I told her I had just read how to please a woman and that I was just applying the knowledge for the 1st time. She did not believe me and literally said I was lying, and that I was too good. I got distracted by her strong orgms Os one after the other. I thought she was kidding. Just oral!! There after, we had sex sex sex sex. Real sex. Some sessions lasted 8 hrs. I had learnt how to stay up for a long time, something she really loved. I was surprised to see her rolling around the bed with multiple orgsm O spasms, more than 10 Os at a time, which instead, I was used to hearing, ‘get done now’. I could not believe hearing her asking for more. All think confirmed what I had read about women sex was really true. She loves the way I knew how to stimulate her entire body at the same time, sometimes with my mouth, both hands, nose and chin, all at the same time.
WHAT NEXT: This is an affair, something I hated and I had never thought I would ever engage in. However, my sexual frustration was dangerously high. I always hear in news about men and women who raped girls and boys while they had their wives or husbands at home. I always wondered what had got them to doing something which even them knew was very wrong. I started seeing the picture of how sexual frustration could cause terrible hurt to innocent lives, something that I would never live with. Since starting the affair, I realized I stopped watching prn and had started concentrating at what I did.
I love my wife as a friend, not romantically. She is a good mother. But my romance and her’s are not compatible, which is dangerous for a marriage. Sorry to say, but I am 95% pressing for an amicable divorce, without any hurts. My kids are amazing and whatever the resolve, I’m willing to support her even if I keep the kids, which I want this resolved amicably.
FINAL WORD: Though divorce was not in a million things I would do, I’d rather be known as a divorced and remarried dad by my kids and friends, than be known as a sexual predator after ‘accidentally’ preying on innocent lives after my sexual frustration breaks out of control.
I AM NOT ADVOCATING FOR AFFAIRS. I AM JUST TELLING MY STORY AS IT IS.
ADVICE: If you are unmarried, discuss sex in detail with your partner before marriage. You’d rather go to a sexologist before marriage than after marriage. Focus on what you know can break your relationship even before you start it. To some people, it is sex, to others money, kids, anything however foolish.
I hope this helps someone. Thanks.
lovegentle lovegentle 36-40, M 14 Responses Jan 17, 2013

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Wow.....i can use what you are giving... lol..wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

I'm always ashamed by this story. I put it here to crucify myself, never ever to do it again.
That's why I have to leave my marriage.
Sure, I'm willing to give. Just looking for someone willing to receive and play. LOL.

Your story highlights the pain that the false religious dogmas have caused. How many people have suffered because they were led to believe that sex is only for marriage and then only for procreation. I believe the one true God created us as sexual beings so that we would find great joy in our unions. God gave us the ability to have powerful ******* that can transport us momentarily to another plane of existence. It is the false prophets of organized religions that ask us to suffer and to reject God's gift. You mentioned in another story or comment that your wife is from the same religion. Could it be that her refusal to accept her sexuality is a remnant of her religious upbringing? I wish you good luck on your journey and sincerely hope you find a woman that shares your passion.

i'm touched by your story

Glad you did not wait until your 60s...

I read your story with interest and sadness. Your wife could be me. I have nearly zero interest in sex. For many reasons, probably mostly depression and medication I take for it. Ive tried to stop the medication but my depression takes over and I want to die. My husband puts up with my lack of interest in sex pretty well. We've been married 16 years and have 3 kids. It's too embarrassing to admit how long it has been since we've had sex. He figured out long ago that being married doesn't equal sex all the time. It took a long time for him to accept that.

The truth is I'm no longer attracted to him. Sex has become an obligation. I have thoughts and dreams about sex occasionally, but they don't involve him. I've told him several times to find a mistress, a new wife, for many years. He thinks I was kidding. I keep hoping he will find someone and have an affair. It would give me an out.

I'm afraid to leave the marriage. I'm afraid to hurt him. I feel like a horrible person. I've read so much about how divorce negatively affects children. My parents divorced and my dad's absence did hurt me, even though he was psychotic and violent and I was afraid of him. Yep, I have daddy issues. Maybe that's where this is coming from.

I am afraid that after having 3 kids and bring nearly 40 and having depression that no one would ever want to be with me anyway. I think I'd be better off alone sometimes. I'm not super fat, though I am overweight and working on being more healthy. I think if I were to separate or divorce him, I might date and have a few one nighters and maybe some repeats, but I feel afraid of true intimacy with anyone. Lately though I've been wondering if I am missing out on something. I'm attracted to someone. But I'm afraid to act on it for fear of rejection. And I don't want to have an affair. I want to separate at a minimum, so I have "permission" to see other people. Then again, I'm afraid of the whole dating scene and STDs and rejection. That's why I got married. A little too soon. And so here I am. I'm reminded of a line in Two and a Half Men when Jon Cryer's character's wife tells him "you stole my youth!" I guess I stole his too.

Thanks for reading my story and sharing your story. You sound to be in the same situation as I am in, only difference being that I have not had to deal with depression.
I fully understand when you say you are no longer attracted to your husband. However, I would like to know if the lack of attraction is due to his looks or his attitude towards you.
Similarly, I have lost the emotional connection I cherished with my wife, to the point that I feel violated when she tries to advance me to anything. The disconnection came when I saw the clear picture of our relationship, where I have lived pumping my entire life, heart and emotion into the relationship for the 10yrs, while she has lived with the notion that she should not give her all to the relationship since she will have to keep up with the giving. It's a stealthful way of being selfish but not looking like you are. When I realized what she had been doing, that she was capable of much but had decided to withhold, it completely broke my heart, which further broke my desire for her and further the emotional connection to her. I feel bad about it because I know where this is leading us, but I cannot live in a relationship where one person plays mental and emotional tricks while the other gives all from a sincere heart. It feels emotionally cheated.
Like you, I worried about our kids and wondered if our separation would affect them. After spending much thought on it, it dawned to me that kids really don't need parents, kids need a loving and caring environment. And that if my wife and I could continue our commitment to love and care for them wherever we may be, they would turn out just fine, so long as we do not foster a hostile environment that disrespects the other parent. Further, it also dawned to me that being in an unhealthy relationship may stunt my ability to offer the love and care I would wish to offer my kids. Reason being, unhealthy relationships harbor strife and hostile environments, while the kids are around, which would be quite unhealthy for them.
I wish you all the best as you deliberate in your mind on what to do. However, I am a strongly believe that before you give up, you need to try anything and everything possible, just in case there may be some life you have not unearthed and may end up regretting later.
For me, I have spent the last 10 yrs searching and I believe I found what I needed to find to understand my relationship.
Wishing you well.
Thanks.

Reading your comment/story gives me complete contrasting feelings. A defeating feeling of empathy despite my lack of knowledge of any efforts you may have made to change your situation or improve his situation. Also, an encouragement to try anything if you have not yet.
I'm a firm believer of not just giving up but trying anything and everything possible. Though one paralyzing influence to any effort is lack of momentum, which as you have mentioned you are no longer attracted to your husband. You may be very sexual, but this can cap your sexual momentum.

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question I am not attracted to him anymore for several reasons. The clencher is probably that I have lost respect for him. We have been through several years of marriage counseling. We have discussed getting divorced in the past. We have had multiple conversations over the years about what I have been upset about and he always cries and says he will change and then nothing happens. He likes different things than I do. Before we were married and for a short time after, we had an active outdoor life. Biking, running, hiking, tennis, camping, etc. But over time it became clear that he prefers to watch tv or play computer games for hours. He has become overweight and sometimes exercises and tries to work on it but inconsistenly. His dad died young due to diabetes and multiple heart attacks and strokes and I told him a long time ago that if he doesn't take care of himself that's telling me he doesn't care about me and our children. That probably sounds mean but it's true. And I'm sorry but a big pregnant looking gut is not attractive. I enjoy getting out and doing things. I've been held back by him and my health has suffered too. I'm working very hard to regain control of my weight so I can do things I enjoy without pain.

You mention love languages. We talked about that in counseling. He still doesn't understand mine. I'd say his is physical touch which unfortunately I'm having difficulty providing when I find him unattractive and feel like he doesn't try to understand my love languages. Which are gift giving and acts of service. I have to tell him exactly what to get me for a gift and even then he usually doesn't do it or gets it wrong. If I ask him to do something he "forgets" for months. So I have to nag. I feel like a supervisor not a wife. Our kids are following in his footsteps, spending all their time on the computer and not listening when asked to do something.

We disagree on most parenting issues. As an example, I lost the battle a long time ago about what they are allowed to watch on tv. He thinks its fine for them to watch R rated movies. Nearly regardless of age. Our 4 yr old doesn't watch everything the older kids do but he has seen some of if until I walk in and ask what they are watching in front of him.

I have thought that maybe my husband has such low intelligence that he can't help it. Either that or he forgets on purpose what is important to me. Either way its not something i can live with. I am an intellectual person and have difficulty connecting with those who are not.

You said try everything. I don't know what else to try. I've tried talking to him multiple times and it always ends up the same way. He forgets and I am frustrated. I can be super mad at him and he knows it and we get up the next day and he acts like nothing ever happened.

I love my kids and I made the choice to have them. I understand my life is more about giving them what they need than fulfilling my own needs. You are right though that if I am unhappy I can't give them my best, and someone recently asked me if I would wish my marriage on them. Absolutely not. I think we can have an amicable divorce but I'm afraid he will be hurt immensely by it. He is seriously still clueless after all our conversations.

Now I'm like the ***** people joke about. The irritated wife who expects too much. Yes I get irritated over little things now. And it's not just the little thing at hand I'm irritated about. It's everything from the past too. I wrote him a letter last December asking for an "open marriage" or a divorce if he can't live with that. I can't bring myself to give it to him. I'm afraid to hurt him like that. I've tried to give him his freedom to find someone who can love and respect him. But I've decided that I need my freedom to find that also. I'm also afraid I'll never find that. And I guess being alone is ok too. I feel alone as it is.

I can support myself and my kids without him. The reason I said I asked for an open marriage is because divorce is so expensive. And he may not be able to support himself living separately. We are like roommates as it is. Living together just makes the everyday tasks of getting the kids to school and such easier. Though I am sure that if I do pursue another relationship he will be hurt by it.

I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I guess that's all I can say right now.

Its getting interesting reading your story because it is a perfect reflection of my story, only that we have never hit the ground from the start.
It is very defeating dealing with a selfish person. Sounds like the reason for your low libido is because it has not been fueled up, not because you are selfish or have a physiological problem. And sounds like you have tried to position yourself to give your husband an opportunity to fuel you, which he has viewed as a waste of time by focusing on tv and video games. This is outright neglect because he knew what you needed but has not given it to you, even after using a third party. Neglect makes the neglected heart cold, and after repeated neglect, the human soul has a way of protecting itself from extinction by first, numbing the need, then second, regarding the hoped-for source of nourishment with resentment. You will realize that you would get depressed more whenever you expected him to act. But when you stopped expecting him to act, you first resented him, then your depression eased. The fact that you have feelings for someone else further confirm that you have an unattended need (I refer to it as loose ends), and, please don't wait to snap from the pressure of the need.
I also have loose ends. I have noticed it.
My wife, not different from your husband has had similar passes. As soon as we got married, I knew I had to catch on her interests, preferences and aspirations so that we would sail towards the same direction, all in an effort to avoid future strife. I learnt from her she wanted to pursue a major in college, which demanded her not to work. I put my education aside, started a side business, just to push her through, which I'm glad to say she graduated and is now a licensed RN. Her focus on this goal made me know she is determined to do what she puts her heart into. Then came kids and part-time work. All this time we never hit on our sex. The first time I bought her a dress, she complained so I started following her to the store so that I could learn how to pick her clothes. We would stay in the store for 4hrs trying clothes, then we would walk out with nothing. At least I learnt her styles. Further, I learnt her love languages, which are like yours, acts of service, gifts and public positive attention. Sometimes I adorned her with several weeks-planned gifts, which some required designing on computer, sending for production, then shipping to a neighbor, then asking restaurant owner to hide it for me where we and other couples were to have valentines dinner. She would receive the biggest and most sentimental gift, which I knew put my men friends in trouble with their wives. All this I did because I loved her and I put my heart to satisfy her love needs. She received them all. All this time I hoped she would learn from my actions how to show love, which she did not. I even told her my love languages and directed her exactly how she would serve me. I then felt weird because she did nothing, yet I was teaching her how to show me love because I needed love. I felt weak and needy. I felt awkward.
I researched about sex on the internet and asked her to read my findings, which she did not even after several months. I asked her if she did any research on sex or romance, she said no. Her non-verbal response also indicated to me that she was meant she did not care.
After much thought, I started realizing that I had needs, but she was least concerned. She never even asked if I wanted to resume school after she got done. I had to tell her and even justify it before her interest to do her masters degree.
On our 8th yr., after 2 kids, it became clear that she only focused on her needs. At the same time, I started feeling vulnerable to snap. I really feared I would cheat, something I had never thought I would do in a million years, especially because of my religious background. In our ninth year, my fears came true. I snapped and started an affair with another woman. Sad to say, this woman made me feel I was a man in bed. And for the 1st time, I enjoyed sex, and I made a woman enjoy sex. Sad because it was my wife. My wife discovered after 3 months of a very hot affair. I stopped. My snap became the point of reference to the problems in the relationship. It overshadowed her problems. I felt bad, for cheating, but worse because I knew I did not have the problem in the relationship, but it had been shifted to me. It was at this time that I made it clear that the affair was just an interruption and that I still wanted out of the relationship. It was at this point that she became a she-tiger and started sexually pursuing me. That was new and too awkward. She however continued to use my affair as a point of reference.
My questions:
-how come she could do thing for 9yrs, then now, after learning about my affair, then learning I'm still leaving, she now can do so much?
-is she trying to put me back into the cage then lock me there?
-is there anything real with her moves?

My lessons:
-when I snap, which I will if my needs are not met, I will be the one to be blamed.
-snapping sexually especially can be determental to one's life, e.g. jail due to rape, kids feel betrayed etc. yet it's not their fault. One time she told me it would be easier to part ways if I died than if I left her.
-I've got to remove myself from an environment where I'm vulnerable to snap sexually by finding a sexual female who I can share my love with and she can share her love with me.
-I will not believe my wife's efforts until she admits her selfishness.

I also learnt my wife's posture: she often presents herself as a victim, which always made me thing she would be twice a victim if I left her. I had to conclude that I did not marry a kid, and that she is less needy of a relationship than I am, so she will settle without a problem.

I'm close to getting out and have made it clear that I'm not turning back.

Sounds like you have also done all that you can do.
Please update with your progress.

Wishing you well.

I'm curious what you mean by you are close to getting out? Why don't you just leave and file for divorce? I'm probably naive about things. I don't know how it works.

It's interesting how you describe the neglect and the result that I have numbed the need. Sounds about right. But yes I am attracted to another man who is single. I have had various crushes in the past, all men who were inaccessible. This is different. I want to "test the waters" and tell this man I'm interested in him. I'm so afraid of rejection though. Every guy I ever liked didnt like me. The only ones who liked me were dorks. I feel like I'm nit good enough for this man. I'm not looking for another long term relationship. I don't want to be disappointed and trapped again. Just want to have fun and love him for who he is and not develop any expectations of him. I know, easier said than done.

It's interesting how you describe "snapping" sexually. Do you really feel like you'd end up raping someone? Why aren't you still with the other woman?

Your wife sounds like a truly selfish person. It sounds like she's afraid to lose you, she needs someone to worship her. She sounds like my narcissistic sister. I don't know that my husband is totally selfish though he gets more and more selfish as time goes on. I think he would see himself as always willing to give he whatever I want but maybe that's just to make himself feel better. Because when push comes to shove he doesn't do what I want or need from him. And it may be my fault - I may not be communicating clearly enough. I know he thinks that. But again I don't want to be his supervisor and micromanager - telling him exactly what to do all the time. We have a to do list a mile long. If he could just do one thing once a week I would be ecstatic. He does do regular weekly household chores - laundry, grocery shopping, cooking. So next to one if my friends' husbands he is a saint. But anything outside of his "regular duties" doesn't get done. Like changing light bulbs. Organizing repair/remodel work that he said he'd do (he's an architect do has the connections). Hanging pictures that have been sitting around for over a year. But every night he's up for at least 2 hours after we all go to bed playing computer games. I can do many of these things myself now, though for a while I couldn't. I have had a couple of serious injuries that if he weren't so lazy probably would have been prevented. And I'm kinda resentful about that too. The first was that all i wanted was for him to go for a walk with me and 2 of our kids and 3 dogs on a Saturday morning (we had been doing this every weekend for a while). Instead i went alone pulling the toddler in a wagon with 2 dogs on a leash and i tripped and fell. Sounds stupid but I got a herniated disk in my neck. The next one was when i was out doing yardwork while he was still in bed and my dogs got in a fight and since he couldnt hear me screaming for help i had to try to pull them apart so they wouldnt kill each other. I hurt my back and had sciatic pain for months. I havent been the same physically since these injuries. The last 2 years have been about recovery, pain control, and regaining function. I'm much better now and have been skiing again which has made life more tolerable this winter. I spent last winter laying around in pain. I didn't even want to go anywhere on weekends. So much of his chore- doing was out of necessity because it was too painful for me. I'm sure I sound like a whiny selfish brat that I partially blame him for my injuries. But if he had been with me I don't think either would have happened.

We fight over stupid crap like why he won't teach our kids to ride a bike. He asked me why can't I do that? Um because it's traditionally a dad's role to do that with his sons. I guess I'm just too traditional. He's more available that his dad was but that's not saying much.

I know he'd do more for me if I gave him more sex. It's a vicious circle. He irritates me and I don't feel anything for him. So he doesn't do anything for me. Neither of us will bend.

I feel like divorce is a failure. My mom will never understand. My sister will be happy I failed (like her). I'll lose some friends in the process that we are both friends with. My kids might grow up resenting me. They probably will either way.

1 More Response

I'm sorry to hear about your story, but I'm very glad that you can still stand what ever is happening trough your marriage. And I think you must try to have a talk with your wife about this and maybe your marriage will getting better after that.

Thank you for your story, by the way. You've put a great deal of thought into this and written very clearly. Just one point worried me, because it sounded like it worried you - while having an affair and getting a divorce are both things you never thought would happen to you, they are not the same as being a sexual predator. Remember, it took a willing partner, an emotional connection, a statement of sexual desire, to get you into an affair. Just because you think about sex often and may even feel desire for random people doesn't mean you will accidentally act on that desire. You are, as you said, a one-woman man. Preying on someone who doesn't want it involves coersion, causing physical and emotional pain. It takes a sadist to do something like that, and from your writing, you are very much the opposite. There is always a willing partner, ready to be found, and much more easily than an unwilling one. It won't happen by accident. But I'm glad you have found a happy outlet for so many years of frustration. All the best to you.

Thanks ironmarshmellow for your comment. It really helps affirm my sanity concerning this entire issue, which as I have insisted, I never thought I would ever get here with my wife. Also, thanks to EP for facilitating this forums for people like us to meet, share life stories and encourage each other with positive perspectives in the midst of many negatives that may be surrounding us.

What you said about EP being here for us is so true! It has been so helpful to be able to share thoughts and feelings with people here, especially when one feels so alone. Keep writing and reading, and I will, too. Hugs!

Thanks Ironmarshmellow, because in a long time, I'm feeling not lost in no-man's land, but making progress amongst people who have given their relational lives priority by trying to look outside the box. The interesting thing with us, or most of us is that we are coupled with people who are either so settled with the relationship, or do not care about the relationship.
I've thus decided to set myself up for a riddle: trying to find out if there can be two people who are satisfied with each other and are settled in their relationship. Satisfied does not mean that all the money, sex, friends and family are good, just that their vital relationship needs are met. These relationship needs differ with each individual, but there can be two people out there with the same vital relationship needs. E.g. For me, I'll not her into a fight to get my money back, you can smear my name with lies, you can fire me from a job, but don't mess up with my sexual need. The problem is that I'm a one woman guy. Because I know the value of specializing, you get quality, then quantity. Don't confuse me with a sex maniac. I can only perform on a romantic setting also, not casual. I believe sex is the explosion after much romantic pressure. Though I believe in quickies too. That's me. For long I thought I was not sober, and feared being a sex predator. When I came to EP, I found out I had plenty of company, and surprising to me, ladies too. I'm a male nympho. I've come across some female nymphos here. I know some people's vital relational needs are money, others, property, others class. When I walk into some place, I don't necessarily want to walk in with the most educated woman, but I don't mind if she is, I want to walk in with a woman who was thirsty and I just satisfied her in bed. I'll be smiling all along, as I playfully interact with her, my friend. We may be in debt, but my smile will be sincere. Don't get me wrong, I make good money. And I've invested plenty of it, but it doesn't earn me a smile.
Just thinking.

Seems you've done quite a lot (more than some husbands/spouses) would to get your wife to be interested in intimacy. I know an affair is not ideal, but sometimes people have needs that their spouse cannot fulfil. It is a hard thing to deal with. Please don't beat yourself for wanting relations, intimacy a full life with your wife. You deserve that. Sometimes it just doesn't work out no matter what you do if both ae not on the same page or path. You are not alone.

It's very confusing. Since day 1 of our marriage I have been trying to make our romance take off the ground. I gave up after 9 1/2 yrs, and this time, I clearly indicated to her. Soon after, I come across a lady who matches me, I hit the ball, and she hit it back. Our romance took of from our 1st encounter and went on for 3 months. My wife then found out and it ended. Instead of calling it quits with me, she now is pursuing me like a mad dog. She wants everything I had asked her to do all the 9 yrs I kept trying. I keep insisting I want out. Is she tricking me? I don't know.

She doesn't want to risk losing what she has with you (familiarity, comfort) but it is because you are already gone that she is now willing or starting to work with you. Sad isn't it? Hang in there C and work on what it is you want. In my opinion, from what you've stated you've tried to make things work with your wife and she does not seem to have the same physical needs as you or want to meet you half way to meet them. just my 2 cents.

I'm glad to see your comments because they give me a lady's perception of the situation.
In the 9 1/2 yrs., many times she has engaged in rescue missions for my intimacy misery i.e. I beg for intimacy or even romantic touch, she says no with disparate reasons. I then withdraw by not asking for it again. I never used it against her e.g. failing to do what I knew she needed or wanted me to do such as house work. After a week or two, she comes and poses to offer me some sex. I would jump and get excited like a little puppy. I would think the doors have opened and would ask for more later, then she would again start her reasons for not doing it.
This went on for the entire time.
That's the main reason why this time I'm not giving in to this big rescue mission. She's however trying, even involving the kids, my family and church. These are forces that are becoming very hard to resist. But deep inside I'm done done done. Everything she's doing is tasteless to my romance taste buds, and sometimes getting repulsive. Again, I'm feeling guilty because she has tried very hard for three months out of 9 1/2 yrs. Sorry for pouring out.

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Sad to say the only thing we have is common is we both have the same religious convictions. I grew up in the city, she grew up in the country.
Our dating was long distance and only lasted for 1 1/2 yrs before we married, meeting two weekends a month. As soon as we got married I started noticing the many relational and preferential differences we had. Not having divorce as an option, I mentioned this to her and asked we focus on activities that would bring us together. I gave my suggestions: watch movies, play board games, do chores together etc. Asked for her's, she said my suggestions were good enough. However, over time, I learnt her love languages: gave her gifts, publicly showed how much I loved her, several times went with her to her clothes store, stayed there 3 hrs as she tried dresses then left with nothing, helped her with school work, did chores around the house, affirmed her verbally. Though I wanted kids sooner, I let her choose to have or not and when, which happened on 6th yr of marriage, which was after she graduated. Sincerely, I've not enjoyed any outing I've had with her since she has much reservations while I'm outgoing. I made sure I never disrespected her and apologized when wrong, trying to avoid the kind of strife my dad and mom lived in as I grew up. I knew I had to do things different.
My main problem is that I though I have been willing to bend, she has not, then now she is willing to go under when I've given up.
My interpretation is that my romantic style is different from hers. She just trying to keep me in for now but will not be able to maintain since this is not her natural self.

It sounds like you gave yourself and your wife many chances to rekindle the fire in your marriage. And at every turn, she extinguished the fire by rolling over and going to sleep. You did what you can to save your marriage, but it's time to move on! Now, she's just trying to "band aid" the situation so that she can keep her familiar realm intact! Someone here commented that your wife is selfish. I have to agree! You are a good person--a one woman kind of guy. You came out and admitted to your affair and ready to face the consequence no matter what. That's something many of us can't do and that means a lot! My only thing is--do you have a lot in common other than sex with this lady? If so, you're in good hands. It's deliciously fun to enjoy what goes on behind your bedroom door, but do you have other things the two of you enjoy under the sun as well?

Interestingly, we have very few things in common. I realized that as soon as we got married. I tried to narrow our differences by engaging in things she considered important such as supporting her in her school, school work, cooking, cleaning, she enjoyed gifts and public affirmation, which I did in a grand way until I put my friends in trouble since they did not do the same for their wives. Also helped with the kids. All trying to build bridges and diffuse our differences. Now, I realize how it's only me who was interested in building bridges, because she did not engage in anything that was important to me such as playing board games, watching movies together, being romantically playful in and outside the house, oh I love touch, which she hates.
I just thought we'd grow towards each other, instead, I think I just grew towards her.

Sex is a vital part of a good relationship, and it is surprising your wife didn't know it. And she only started making the effort to find out what was wrong with her once you mentioned separation. You have been extremely kind and patient, more than most men would in the same circumstances. Go ahead, we only have this one life.

Thanks Coolsmith2009. It's the last thing I thought I'd ever do, but now I realize I've got to address it before it defines me. Thanks for your comments.

REST OF THE STORY: The affair started five months ago. I told my wife of my intention to separate then divorce three months ago (which she NEVER EVER expected. I think she thought I was locked in for life, which I thought too.), then she learnt of my affair 1 1/2 months ago. I apologized, told her it was wrong, my poor judgment, but that her knowledge of it did not change my stand to leave the marriage. I did not have to explain my reasons, since in the past we already have had arguments about me needing sex and romance, and her not wanting. I've made it clear that I don't want us to be enemies, just to be non romantic friends. I still show my care and support by doing house chores, kids stuff, and I don't withhold any money. She still has 100% access to my accounts. Since her learning of the affair, she has CHANGED. She first started forcing me into sex (which is tough because I do not have any emotional attachment to her and seriously, I'm a one woman guy). I could tell her body did not need/want it. Just her head. She then has checked a gynecologist, got seriously tested for hormones, she told me tests now show her testosterone is very low and she just bought some testosterone hormone pills and started taking. She actually sent me to pick up them up. I have clearly indicated to her that my decision is 95% final. In my mind, I'm just finalizing how I will make all the payments and support her. She is a good girl and a wonderful mother. I don't mind supporting her fully, even buying her a house as soon as I’m able to, especially since I am the one intending to end the relationship, which was not the plan. Just that she is not romantic - deal breaker. And I cannot survive without it, seriously. All these things she has done in the 1 1/2 months after she learnt about my affair. I'm wondering if she is trying to cage me into her life by interfering with the direction of my thoughts using some quickie actions.

So glad you were able to tell your wife you wanted the divorce. Otherwise, the agony can drag on for years with the "do I? don't I?" questions making you crazy. The changes she is trying to make sound like the normal thing many people do when faced with a relationship break-up: they try to get it back. She doesn't want to lose you. That does not mean you have to stay with her - that is your call. Hopefully, she will in fact be able to "fix" her hormone levels, so she can better herself and her life and you will be the one to have pushed her to do this, but unfortunately for her, it has taken the imminent loss of your relationship for her to get to the point that she is making these changes. Probably, she isn't trying to control you on purpose, but she is trying to get you to stay, and it sounds like she is getting desperate. You have given her so many opportunities in the past, though. You have tried so hard. You deserve the romance and appreciation you crave. I wish you happiness, no matter which path you take.

live your life the way you want to . If the marriage has lost its love then you need to move along.

I agree

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. And I have to say I'm really very sorry if your wife is like that. Shes so selfish!