Unromantic, Sexless Marriage, Until Break - Affair

I'm a guy. I have been in a sexless marriage for 10yrs. Inasmuch as I am very sexual, (male nymph), I succeeded to stay away from sex before marriage due to religious reasons. It was NOT EASY. Before our wedding, I had read about starting sex slowly so that both partners can get used uniformly, which I did in our honeymoon, though I had been so starved, besides resisting temptations from other girls on religious grounds. We started very slow, once every other day, which continued to twice per week, once per week by our third year. By this time, we only had it because I really insisted, which she always ended up telling me to get done because she was sleepy, even after just 10 minutes. Only did missionary style, don't dare ask for any more or else I would not even get the missionary offer. Sometimes she would sneak into bed while I was working in another room because she knew I would never wake her up for sex. On our 1st year of our marriage I started to read more to understand women and what they exactly want in bed. I was determined to crank her up. I would give her gifts and little surprises e.g. earrings, watches. One time I got her a dressy suit. She did not like it. I asked her what she didn’t like with it. I learnt from what she said. Went again another time and got another one, which she liked this time. On Valentine’s Day gatherings with friends, I gave her gifts that made her friends jealous. I know because they commented to their husbands. I did more than ½ of the house chores. She was full time student not working, while I was full time working paying all the fees. Still did not crank up.
Kept reading, and learnt how to listen to a woman, learnt every possible hot spots a woman can have, massage styles, oral sex, what women like and hate, also learnt that different women like different things etc. The most frustrating thing was trying to apply anything I had learnt to my wife. She vehemently rejected anything other than missionary style. One time I bought a set of assorted KY massage oils and gave her a warm top to bottom, front to back massage exactly the way I read. I the past she had commented she would love a massage. When I got done, she said she enjoyed it then said she wanted to sleep. Not wanting to make her think I was setting her up for sex, I told her it was okay. That was painful. Before long, I started feeling as if I was raping her since I had to beg for sex, and when we did, she always said I needed to get done. I ended up telling her I would only have sex when she felt she wanted it. At these times, I would wait more than a month, then begged her when I couldn’t wait any longer.
TRYING MORE: When I read about women hormonal issues, I begged her to be checked, which she reluctantly accepted after 3 yrs of begging (our 6th yr), after which she told me the tests showed she was okay. This was killing me. I had avoided sex from my teen age keeping myself pure for my queen (wife) then this was what I got? Remember, I am a nympho, I want sex at least 3 times a day. Whenever we had sex, along side her asking me to get done fast, she had a one shot policy. As soon as I came it was over even if it was after 2 minutes. My pns would erect again just after few minutes, only to be cooled off by the air around the room, all alone. By then she was dead asleep. Due to the one shot policy, I learnt how to hold for a long time without coming, one time pushing it even 1 hr, though I had started hearing the 'get done' phrases on the 20th minute.
TRYING HARDER: Looking for a fun activity we could do together, to help us synch, I asked her to play a board game with me just for fun, which I begged for more than 1yr, and when we did, she dismissed, ‘That’s all you wanted?’ I signed up for Netflix and begged her to at least watch movies with me. Whenever she did, at the hype of a fun scene, I was disappointed only to look at her to share a fun stare, only to find her head down asleep. I gave up and started watching alone. I looked for a married couples support group, which we joined with my wife, where I leant from other wives that women's sexuality was not fictional. It existed. I hoped my wife was listening what I was hearing. But it didn't translate to our sex. Kids started coming, thought they would break the sexual doors open? I had read women who had never had an orgsm O would at least have one during pregnancy. She was so beautiful and swollen when pregnant. I babied her around, did all the house chores, got her gifts, complemented her, but NO SEX. When kids came, I woke up at night when the baby cried, because she had been with them all day and was tired. I still had to go to work in the morning leaving her home with them. I gave them 5 baths for every 1 birth she gave them. All this because I loved her, also trying to make things easy on her, trying to crank, crank, crank.
BURNING OUT: At work, I experienced sexual urge spasms which I hid under my desk. On our 8th yr, my tolerance went down. Never asked for sex. Never showed romance. My body ached for sex, I could not even concentrate at work. Started wondering if my chemistry was bad. Urges for sex started destructing me everywhere. I started feeling dangerously sexual. Extramarital sex had never been an option in all the million options I had. But now…

TERRIBLE BREAK: At 91/2 yrs of marriage, my guard went down. I accidentally came across this lady, less than 5yrs younger, who was coming from an abusive marriage. We started off by having long phone conversations about life, past and present experiences, and about spouses. My mind exploded when she said how she terribly missed sex. I realized my guard was down since I was enjoying the conversations. I had resisted many girls over the years but I could not contain my aching body listening to her. She was a starved nympho. One thing led to the other and we started having it. She was the 2nd woman in my life to have sex with. She was sexually experienced than me. I decided to apply everything I had learnt about sex. On our 1st time, I gave her oral, she thought I had an orgsm O tool on my tongue, until she touched my bare tongue with her fingers to believe I did not have any tool. I told her I had just read how to please a woman and that I was just applying the knowledge for the 1st time. She did not believe me and literally said I was lying, and that I was too good. I got distracted by her strong orgms Os one after the other. I thought she was kidding. Just oral!! There after, we had sex sex sex sex. Real sex. Some sessions lasted 8 hrs. I had learnt how to stay up for a long time, something she really loved. I was surprised to see her rolling around the bed with multiple orgsm O spasms, more than 10 Os at a time, which instead, I was used to hearing, ‘get done now’. I could not believe hearing her asking for more. All think confirmed what I had read about women sex was really true. She loves the way I knew how to stimulate her entire body at the same time, sometimes with my mouth, both hands, nose and chin, all at the same time.
WHAT NEXT: This is an affair, something I hated and I had never thought I would ever engage in. However, my sexual frustration was dangerously high. I always hear in news about men and women who raped girls and boys while they had their wives or husbands at home. I always wondered what had got them to doing something which even them knew was very wrong. I started seeing the picture of how sexual frustration could cause terrible hurt to innocent lives, something that I would never live with. Since starting the affair, I realized I stopped watching prn and had started concentrating at what I did.
I love my wife as a friend, not romantically. She is a good mother. But my romance and her’s are not compatible, which is dangerous for a marriage. Sorry to say, but I am 95% pressing for an amicable divorce, without any hurts. My kids are amazing and whatever the resolve, I’m willing to support her even if I keep the kids, which I want this resolved amicably.
FINAL WORD: Though divorce was not in a million things I would do, I’d rather be known as a divorced and remarried dad by my kids and friends, than be known as a sexual predator after ‘accidentally’ preying on innocent lives after my sexual frustration breaks out of control.
ADVICE: If you are unmarried, discuss sex in detail with your partner before marriage. You’d rather go to a sexologist before marriage than after marriage. Focus on what you know can break your relationship even before you start it. To some people, it is sex, to others money, kids, anything however foolish.
I hope this helps someone. Thanks.
lovegentle lovegentle
36-40, M
13 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Wow.....i can use what you are giving... lol..wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

I'm always ashamed by this story. I put it here to crucify myself, never ever to do it again.
That's why I have to leave my marriage.
Sure, I'm willing to give. Just looking for someone willing to receive and play. LOL.

i'm touched by your story

Glad you did not wait until your 60s...

I read your story with interest and sadness. Your wife could be me. I have nearly zero interest in sex. For many reasons, probably mostly depression and medication I take for it. Ive tried to stop the medication but my depression takes over and I want to die. My husband puts up with my lack of interest in sex pretty well. We've been married 16 years and have 3 kids. It's too embarrassing to admit how long it has been since we've had sex. He figured out long ago that being married doesn't equal sex all the time. It took a long time for him to accept that.

The truth is I'm no longer attracted to him. Sex has become an obligation. I have thoughts and dreams about sex occasionally, but they don't involve him. I've told him several times to find a mistress, a new wife, for many years. He thinks I was kidding. I keep hoping he will find someone and have an affair. It would give me an out.

I'm afraid to leave the marriage. I'm afraid to hurt him. I feel like a horrible person. I've read so much about how divorce negatively affects children. My parents divorced and my dad's absence did hurt me, even though he was psychotic and violent and I was afraid of him. Yep, I have daddy issues. Maybe that's where this is coming from.

I am afraid that after having 3 kids and bring nearly 40 and having depression that no one would ever want to be with me anyway. I think I'd be better off alone sometimes. I'm not super fat, though I am overweight and working on being more healthy. I think if I were to separate or divorce him, I might date and have a few one nighters and maybe some repeats, but I feel afraid of true intimacy with anyone. Lately though I've been wondering if I am missing out on something. I'm attracted to someone. But I'm afraid to act on it for fear of rejection. And I don't want to have an affair. I want to separate at a minimum, so I have "permission" to see other people. Then again, I'm afraid of the whole dating scene and STDs and rejection. That's why I got married. A little too soon. And so here I am. I'm reminded of a line in Two and a Half Men when Jon Cryer's character's wife tells him "you stole my youth!" I guess I stole his too.

Thanks for reading my story and sharing your story. You sound to be in the same situation as I am in, only difference being that I have not had to deal with depression.
I fully understand when you say you are no longer attracted to your husband. However, I would like to know if the lack of attraction is due to his looks or his attitude towards you.
Similarly, I have lost the emotional connection I cherished with my wife, to the point that I feel violated when she tries to advance me to anything. The disconnection came when I saw the clear picture of our relationship, where I have lived pumping my entire life, heart and emotion into the relationship for the 10yrs, while she has lived with the notion that she should not give her all to the relationship since she will have to keep up with the giving. It's a stealthful way of being selfish but not looking like you are. When I realized what she had been doing, that she was capable of much but had decided to withhold, it completely broke my heart, which further broke my desire for her and further the emotional connection to her. I feel bad about it because I know where this is leading us, but I cannot live in a relationship where one person plays mental and emotional tricks while the other gives all from a sincere heart. It feels emotionally cheated.
Like you, I worried about our kids and wondered if our separation would affect them. After spending much thought on it, it dawned to me that kids really don't need parents, kids need a loving and caring environment. And that if my wife and I could continue our commitment to love and care for them wherever we may be, they would turn out just fine, so long as we do not foster a hostile environment that disrespects the other parent. Further, it also dawned to me that being in an unhealthy relationship may stunt my ability to offer the love and care I would wish to offer my kids. Reason being, unhealthy relationships harbor strife and hostile environments, while the kids are around, which would be quite unhealthy for them.
I wish you all the best as you deliberate in your mind on what to do. However, I am a strongly believe that before you give up, you need to try anything and everything possible, just in case there may be some life you have not unearthed and may end up regretting later.
For me, I have spent the last 10 yrs searching and I believe I found what I needed to find to understand my relationship.
Wishing you well.

Reading your comment/story gives me complete contrasting feelings. A defeating feeling of empathy despite my lack of knowledge of any efforts you may have made to change your situation or improve his situation. Also, an encouragement to try anything if you have not yet.
I'm a firm believer of not just giving up but trying anything and everything possible. Though one paralyzing influence to any effort is lack of momentum, which as you have mentioned you are no longer attracted to your husband. You may be very sexual, but this can cap your sexual momentum.

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question I am not attracted to him anymore for several reasons. The clencher is probably that I have lost respect for him. We have been through several years of marriage counseling. We have discussed getting divorced in the past. We have had multiple conversations over the years about what I have been upset about and he always cries and says he will change and then nothing happens. He likes different things than I do. Before we were married and for a short time after, we had an active outdoor life. Biking, running, hiking, tennis, camping, etc. But over time it became clear that he prefers to watch tv or play computer games for hours. He has become overweight and sometimes exercises and tries to work on it but inconsistenly. His dad died young due to diabetes and multiple heart attacks and strokes and I told him a long time ago that if he doesn't take care of himself that's telling me he doesn't care about me and our children. That probably sounds mean but it's true. And I'm sorry but a big pregnant looking gut is not attractive. I enjoy getting out and doing things. I've been held back by him and my health has suffered too. I'm working very hard to regain control of my weight so I can do things I enjoy without pain.

You mention love languages. We talked about that in counseling. He still doesn't understand mine. I'd say his is physical touch which unfortunately I'm having difficulty providing when I find him unattractive and feel like he doesn't try to understand my love languages. Which are gift giving and acts of service. I have to tell him exactly what to get me for a gift and even then he usually doesn't do it or gets it wrong. If I ask him to do something he "forgets" for months. So I have to nag. I feel like a supervisor not a wife. Our kids are following in his footsteps, spending all their time on the computer and not listening when asked to do something.

We disagree on most parenting issues. As an example, I lost the battle a long time ago about what they are allowed to watch on tv. He thinks its fine for them to watch R rated movies. Nearly regardless of age. Our 4 yr old doesn't watch everything the older kids do but he has seen some of if until I walk in and ask what they are watching in front of him.

I have thought that maybe my husband has such low intelligence that he can't help it. Either that or he forgets on purpose what is important to me. Either way its not something i can live with. I am an intellectual person and have difficulty connecting with those who are not.

You said try everything. I don't know what else to try. I've tried talking to him multiple times and it always ends up the same way. He forgets and I am frustrated. I can be super mad at him and he knows it and we get up the next day and he acts like nothing ever happened.

I love my kids and I made the choice to have them. I understand my life is more about giving them what they need than fulfilling my own needs. You are right though that if I am unhappy I can't give them my best, and someone recently asked me if I would wish my marriage on them. Absolutely not. I think we can have an amicable divorce but I'm afraid he will be hurt immensely by it. He is seriously still clueless after all our conversations.

Now I'm like the ***** people joke about. The irritated wife who expects too much. Yes I get irritated over little things now. And it's not just the little thing at hand I'm irritated about. It's everything from the past too. I wrote him a letter last December asking for an "open marriage" or a divorce if he can't live with that. I can't bring myself to give it to him. I'm afraid to hurt him like that. I've tried to give him his freedom to find someone who can love and respect him. But I've decided that I need my freedom to find that also. I'm also afraid I'll never find that. And I guess being alone is ok too. I feel alone as it is.

I can support myself and my kids without him. The reason I said I asked for an open marriage is because divorce is so expensive. And he may not be able to support himself living separately. We are like roommates as it is. Living together just makes the everyday tasks of getting the kids to school and such easier. Though I am sure that if I do pursue another relationship he will be hurt by it.

I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I guess that's all I can say right now.

Its getting interesting reading your story because it is a perfect reflection of my story, only that we have never hit the ground from the start.
It is very defeating dealing with a selfish person. Sounds like the reason for your low libido is because it has not been fueled up, not because you are selfish or have a physiological problem. And sounds like you have tried to position yourself to give your husband an opportunity to fuel you, which he has viewed as a waste of time by focusing on tv and video games. This is outright neglect because he knew what you needed but has not given it to you, even after using a third party. Neglect makes the neglected heart cold, and after repeated neglect, the human soul has a way of protecting itself from extinction by first, numbing the need, then second, regarding the hoped-for source of nourishment with resentment. You will realize that you would get depressed more whenever you expected him to act. But when you stopped expecting him to act, you first resented him, then your depression eased. The fact that you have feelings for someone else further confirm that you have an unattended need (I refer to it as loose ends), and, please don't wait to snap from the pressure of the need.
I also have loose ends. I have noticed it.
My wife, not different from your husband has had similar passes. As soon as we got married, I knew I had to catch on her interests, preferences and aspirations so that we would sail towards the same direction, all in an effort to avoid future strife. I learnt from her she wanted to pursue a major in college, which demanded her not to work. I put my education aside, started a side business, just to push her through, which I'm glad to say she graduated and is now a licensed RN. Her focus on this goal made me know she is determined to do what she puts her heart into. Then came kids and part-time work. All this time we never hit on our sex. The first time I bought her a dress, she complained so I started following her to the store so that I could learn how to pick her clothes. We would stay in the store for 4hrs trying clothes, then we would walk out with nothing. At least I learnt her styles. Further, I learnt her love languages, which are like yours, acts of service, gifts and public positive attention. Sometimes I adorned her with several weeks-planned gifts, which some required designing on computer, sending for production, then shipping to a neighbor, then asking restaurant owner to hide it for me where we and other couples were to have valentines dinner. She would receive the biggest and most sentimental gift, which I knew put my men friends in trouble with their wives. All this I did because I loved her and I put my heart to satisfy her love needs. She received them all. All this time I hoped she would learn from my actions how to show love, which she did not. I even told her my love languages and directed her exactly how she would serve me. I then felt weird because she did nothing, yet I was teaching her how to show me love because I needed love. I felt weak and needy. I felt awkward.
I researched about sex on the internet and asked her to read my findings, which she did not even after several months. I asked her if she did any research on sex or romance, she said no. Her non-verbal response also indicated to me that she was meant she did not care.
After much thought, I started realizing that I had needs, but she was least concerned. She never even asked if I wanted to resume school after she got done. I had to tell her and even justify it before her interest to do her masters degree.
On our 8th yr., after 2 kids, it became clear that she only focused on her needs. At the same time, I started feeling vulnerable to snap. I really feared I would cheat, something I had never thought I would do in a million years, especially because of my religious background. In our ninth year, my fears came true. I snapped and started an affair with another woman. Sad to say, this woman made me feel I was a man in bed. And for the 1st time, I enjoyed sex, and I made a woman enjoy sex. Sad because it was my wife. My wife discovered after 3 months of a very hot affair. I stopped. My snap became the point of reference to the problems in the relationship. It overshadowed her problems. I felt bad, for cheating, but worse because I knew I did not have the problem in the relationship, but it had been shifted to me. It was at this time that I made it clear that the affair was just an interruption and that I still wanted out of the relationship. It was at this point that she became a she-tiger and started sexually pursuing me. That was new and too awkward. She however continued to use my affair as a point of reference.
My questions:
-how come she could do thing for 9yrs, then now, after learning about my affair, then learning I'm still leaving, she now can do so much?
-is she trying to put me back into the cage then lock me there?
-is there anything real with her moves?

My lessons:
-when I snap, which I will if my needs are not met, I will be the one to be blamed.
-snapping sexually especially can be determental to one's life, e.g. jail due to rape, kids feel betrayed etc. yet it's not their fault. One time she told me it would be easier to part ways if I died than if I left her.
-I've got to remove myself from an environment where I'm vulnerable to snap sexually by finding a sexual female who I can share my love with and she can share her love with me.
-I will not believe my wife's efforts until she admits her selfishness.

I also learnt my wife's posture: she often presents herself as a victim, which always made me thing she would be twice a victim if I left her. I had to conclude that I did not marry a kid, and that she is less needy of a relationship than I am, so she will settle without a problem.

I'm close to getting out and have made it clear that I'm not turning back.

Sounds like you have also done all that you can do.
Please update with your progress.

Wishing you well.

I'm curious what you mean by you are close to getting out? Why don't you just leave and file for divorce? I'm probably naive about things. I don't know how it works.

It's interesting how you describe the neglect and the result that I have numbed the need. Sounds about right. But yes I am attracted to another man who is single. I have had various crushes in the past, all men who were inaccessible. This is different. I want to "test the waters" and tell this man I'm interested in him. I'm so afraid of rejection though. Every guy I ever liked didnt like me. The only ones who liked me were dorks. I feel like I'm nit good enough for this man. I'm not looking for another long term relationship. I don't want to be disappointed and trapped again. Just want to have fun and love him for who he is and not develop any expectations of him. I know, easier said than done.

It's interesting how you describe "snapping" sexually. Do you really feel like you'd end up raping someone? Why aren't you still with the other woman?

Your wife sounds like a truly selfish person. It sounds like she's afraid to lose you, she needs someone to worship her. She sounds like my narcissistic sister. I don't know that my husband is totally selfish though he gets more and more selfish as time goes on. I think he would see himself as always willing to give he whatever I want but maybe that's just to make himself feel better. Because when push comes to shove he doesn't do what I want or need from him. And it may be my fault - I may not be communicating clearly enough. I know he thinks that. But again I don't want to be his supervisor and micromanager - telling him exactly what to do all the time. We have a to do list a mile long. If he could just do one thing once a week I would be ecstatic. He does do regular weekly household chores - laundry, grocery shopping, cooking. So next to one if my friends' husbands he is a saint. But anything outside of his "regular duties" doesn't get done. Like changing light bulbs. Organizing repair/remodel work that he said he'd do (he's an architect do has the connections). Hanging pictures that have been sitting around for over a year. But every night he's up for at least 2 hours after we all go to bed playing computer games. I can do many of these things myself now, though for a while I couldn't. I have had a couple of serious injuries that if he weren't so lazy probably would have been prevented. And I'm kinda resentful about that too. The first was that all i wanted was for him to go for a walk with me and 2 of our kids and 3 dogs on a Saturday morning (we had been doing this every weekend for a while). Instead i went alone pulling the toddler in a wagon with 2 dogs on a leash and i tripped and fell. Sounds stupid but I got a herniated disk in my neck. The next one was when i was out doing yardwork while he was still in bed and my dogs got in a fight and since he couldnt hear me screaming for help i had to try to pull them apart so they wouldnt kill each other. I hurt my back and had sciatic pain for months. I havent been the same physically since these injuries. The last 2 years have been about recovery, pain control, and regaining function. I'm much better now and have been skiing again which has made life more tolerable this winter. I spent last winter laying around in pain. I didn't even want to go anywhere on weekends. So much of his chore- doing was out of necessity because it was too painful for me. I'm sure I sound like a whiny selfish brat that I partially blame him for my injuries. But if he had been with me I don't think either would have happened.

We fight over stupid crap like why he won't teach our kids to ride a bike. He asked me why can't I do that? Um because it's traditionally a dad's role to do that with his sons. I guess I'm just too traditional. He's more available that his dad was but that's not saying much.

I know he'd do more for me if I gave him more sex. It's a vicious circle. He irritates me and I don't feel anything for him. So he doesn't do anything for me. Neither of us will bend.

I feel like divorce is a failure. My mom will never understand. My sister will be happy I failed (like her). I'll lose some friends in the process that we are both friends with. My kids might grow up resenting me. They probably will either way.

1 More Response

I'm sorry to hear about your story, but I'm very glad that you can still stand what ever is happening trough your marriage. And I think you must try to have a talk with your wife about this and maybe your marriage will getting better after that.

Thank you for your story, by the way. You've put a great deal of thought into this and written very clearly. Just one point worried me, because it sounded like it worried you - while having an affair and getting a divorce are both things you never thought would happen to you, they are not the same as being a sexual predator. Remember, it took a willing partner, an emotional connection, a statement of sexual desire, to get you into an affair. Just because you think about sex often and may even feel desire for random people doesn't mean you will accidentally act on that desire. You are, as you said, a one-woman man. Preying on someone who doesn't want it involves coersion, causing physical and emotional pain. It takes a sadist to do something like that, and from your writing, you are very much the opposite. There is always a willing partner, ready to be found, and much more easily than an unwilling one. It won't happen by accident. But I'm glad you have found a happy outlet for so many years of frustration. All the best to you.

Thanks ironmarshmellow for your comment. It really helps affirm my sanity concerning this entire issue, which as I have insisted, I never thought I would ever get here with my wife. Also, thanks to EP for facilitating this forums for people like us to meet, share life stories and encourage each other with positive perspectives in the midst of many negatives that may be surrounding us.

What you said about EP being here for us is so true! It has been so helpful to be able to share thoughts and feelings with people here, especially when one feels so alone. Keep writing and reading, and I will, too. Hugs!

Thanks Ironmarshmellow, because in a long time, I'm feeling not lost in no-man's land, but making progress amongst people who have given their relational lives priority by trying to look outside the box. The interesting thing with us, or most of us is that we are coupled with people who are either so settled with the relationship, or do not care about the relationship.
I've thus decided to set myself up for a riddle: trying to find out if there can be two people who are satisfied with each other and are settled in their relationship. Satisfied does not mean that all the money, sex, friends and family are good, just that their vital relationship needs are met. These relationship needs differ with each individual, but there can be two people out there with the same vital relationship needs. E.g. For me, I'll not her into a fight to get my money back, you can smear my name with lies, you can fire me from a job, but don't mess up with my sexual need. The problem is that I'm a one woman guy. Because I know the value of specializing, you get quality, then quantity. Don't confuse me with a sex maniac. I can only perform on a romantic setting also, not casual. I believe sex is the explosion after much romantic pressure. Though I believe in quickies too. That's me. For long I thought I was not sober, and feared being a sex predator. When I came to EP, I found out I had plenty of company, and surprising to me, ladies too. I'm a male nympho. I've come across some female nymphos here. I know some people's vital relational needs are money, others, property, others class. When I walk into some place, I don't necessarily want to walk in with the most educated woman, but I don't mind if she is, I want to walk in with a woman who was thirsty and I just satisfied her in bed. I'll be smiling all along, as I playfully interact with her, my friend. We may be in debt, but my smile will be sincere. Don't get me wrong, I make good money. And I've invested plenty of it, but it doesn't earn me a smile.
Just thinking.

Seems you've done quite a lot (more than some husbands/spouses) would to get your wife to be interested in intimacy. I know an affair is not ideal, but sometimes people have needs that their spouse cannot fulfil. It is a hard thing to deal with. Please don't beat yourself for wanting relations, intimacy a full life with your wife. You deserve that. Sometimes it just doesn't work out no matter what you do if both ae not on the same page or path. You are not alone.

It's very confusing. Since day 1 of our marriage I have been trying to make our romance take off the ground. I gave up after 9 1/2 yrs, and this time, I clearly indicated to her. Soon after, I come across a lady who matches me, I hit the ball, and she hit it back. Our romance took of from our 1st encounter and went on for 3 months. My wife then found out and it ended. Instead of calling it quits with me, she now is pursuing me like a mad dog. She wants everything I had asked her to do all the 9 yrs I kept trying. I keep insisting I want out. Is she tricking me? I don't know.

She doesn't want to risk losing what she has with you (familiarity, comfort) but it is because you are already gone that she is now willing or starting to work with you. Sad isn't it? Hang in there C and work on what it is you want. In my opinion, from what you've stated you've tried to make things work with your wife and she does not seem to have the same physical needs as you or want to meet you half way to meet them. just my 2 cents.

I'm glad to see your comments because they give me a lady's perception of the situation.
In the 9 1/2 yrs., many times she has engaged in rescue missions for my intimacy misery i.e. I beg for intimacy or even romantic touch, she says no with disparate reasons. I then withdraw by not asking for it again. I never used it against her e.g. failing to do what I knew she needed or wanted me to do such as house work. After a week or two, she comes and poses to offer me some sex. I would jump and get excited like a little puppy. I would think the doors have opened and would ask for more later, then she would again start her reasons for not doing it.
This went on for the entire time.
That's the main reason why this time I'm not giving in to this big rescue mission. She's however trying, even involving the kids, my family and church. These are forces that are becoming very hard to resist. But deep inside I'm done done done. Everything she's doing is tasteless to my romance taste buds, and sometimes getting repulsive. Again, I'm feeling guilty because she has tried very hard for three months out of 9 1/2 yrs. Sorry for pouring out.

You are right it takes an emotional connection, me being a willing participant in it and the desire, When I had my first affair all these came into play plus one other part.
Lonliness. My husband went to work on a normal work day at 2;30 pm every after noon and I did not see or here from him until 4;00 am the next morning when he would come home after enduring heats over 125 degrees for that time. and on weekends and holidays he would not get home until 8 am, then when he went to his new job in the new plant it was 12 pm to 12;30 am except on weekends and holidays when he went in 8 in the morning to 12 midnight. he did this every day from 1985 to 2009 and before 1985 he was under water schools or refit from our wedding in early 1981, to mid 1985 in the submarine service or silent service as they called it.
It took me the third time seeing my husband turn around when the rest of the crew was getting leave and R and R and his CO coming to me looking like he was saying something he really did not want to say that due to some kind of emergency my husband was needed to go straight back to sea. then a friend on the crew introducing me to her brother who was an air force officer I started getting lost at that point. When my husband returned home he was not the same man. He was tired, seasick. hard as the steel in the hulls of the boats and really did not want to give any one an inch, he wanted everting his way from sex. to the shift he was wanting to go to; to the job he did not want to take back. which I will aknowledge was known to be the worst one in the plant. He felt everything was said in the contract, his father and others felt the contract was just a piece of paper and my husband had to bow to their wants and needs so things just got worse with my husband I would keep a promise of a future he wanted over his head if he would just hold out a little while longer on forcing his way on vacations, holidays weekends, shifts and jobs, so he worked the hours they wanted from him replacing those that were absent on vacation, or on sick leave, he hated the time everyone wanted him top take a vacation for instance , and I know it was specially elected for the idea he would not take a vacation at that time in the worst parts of the winter.
Since 2001 we have lost every battle to maintain control with somebody getting badly hurt in every instance primarily because my husband treats it as a real battle, he suckers them into laying there hands on him or using real weapons to intimidate him into his battle plan. Even his father was goaded into trying to teach him a lesson with a ball bat and got his fathers neck broken for that attempt.
I have watched my husband just about kill two affair partners over me letting them have what I had to withhold from him and the last time set up the evening he no longer let me say no he had to wait until he was agreeable with people about what he was going to be allowed now. First allowed is not something I can ever say to him again In February 2013 he made sure I knew I was never to try and use it in context to him again when he raped me, after being patient for 31 years, he no longer was going to be patient with anything.
I truly don't know the extent my husband suffers PTSD from the two life dealing surgeries he had, the first was in 2001. when he was suffering adult onset hydrocephalus from a tumor on the top of his brain stem. The surgery that had to be done was very low chance of survival at that time, the doctor after the surgery said he nearly lost him to an annurism from the tumor choking off the main artery in his brain, his father said well that's over he can keep working, lightning does not strike twice . His youngest brother got sick in the army then. my husband maintained his hours at work, then went to help his brother as much as possible not getting more than an hours sleep on many days, when his brother wanted a shower one day my husband took him in my husband fully clothed. And he held his brother under the shower to help him feel better, His father tried to say his brother dyeing three days latter was my husbands fault, but the hospice nurse said that was the most beautiful act of kindness she had ever seen was a man going to work soaking wet because his youngest brother was in need That was a year after the surgery, My husband continued and even started planing his retirement by starting at an air freight company part time. loading and unloading aircraft in the early morning hours, he would go straight from his main job to the other and one morning after a rain storm he stepped out onto slick loader and feel 32 feet on his back. He was ok just bruising his back but four months later he could not move at work one night His temp was 102 and he was begging to die when they got him to the ER, He had developed a MRSA abcess in his spine, he lost the feeling from the top of his legs down and for three years he went through hell to get too his feet again, three strokes and one heart surgery were also in that three year time, this is the reason behind PTSD. as well as the years and decades of family abuse and scapegoating.
I tried many times to tell his father what we were doing to my husband was not right and he would just say that there are winners and losers in life we just had to consider my husband the loser. then he went to war with us and now we all walk in fear we will cross him.

5 More Responses

Sad to say the only thing we have is common is we both have the same religious convictions. I grew up in the city, she grew up in the country.
Our dating was long distance and only lasted for 1 1/2 yrs before we married, meeting two weekends a month. As soon as we got married I started noticing the many relational and preferential differences we had. Not having divorce as an option, I mentioned this to her and asked we focus on activities that would bring us together. I gave my suggestions: watch movies, play board games, do chores together etc. Asked for her's, she said my suggestions were good enough. However, over time, I learnt her love languages: gave her gifts, publicly showed how much I loved her, several times went with her to her clothes store, stayed there 3 hrs as she tried dresses then left with nothing, helped her with school work, did chores around the house, affirmed her verbally. Though I wanted kids sooner, I let her choose to have or not and when, which happened on 6th yr of marriage, which was after she graduated. Sincerely, I've not enjoyed any outing I've had with her since she has much reservations while I'm outgoing. I made sure I never disrespected her and apologized when wrong, trying to avoid the kind of strife my dad and mom lived in as I grew up. I knew I had to do things different.
My main problem is that I though I have been willing to bend, she has not, then now she is willing to go under when I've given up.
My interpretation is that my romantic style is different from hers. She just trying to keep me in for now but will not be able to maintain since this is not her natural self.

It sounds like you gave yourself and your wife many chances to rekindle the fire in your marriage. And at every turn, she extinguished the fire by rolling over and going to sleep. You did what you can to save your marriage, but it's time to move on! Now, she's just trying to "band aid" the situation so that she can keep her familiar realm intact! Someone here commented that your wife is selfish. I have to agree! You are a good person--a one woman kind of guy. You came out and admitted to your affair and ready to face the consequence no matter what. That's something many of us can't do and that means a lot! My only thing is--do you have a lot in common other than sex with this lady? If so, you're in good hands. It's deliciously fun to enjoy what goes on behind your bedroom door, but do you have other things the two of you enjoy under the sun as well?

Interestingly, we have very few things in common. I realized that as soon as we got married. I tried to narrow our differences by engaging in things she considered important such as supporting her in her school, school work, cooking, cleaning, she enjoyed gifts and public affirmation, which I did in a grand way until I put my friends in trouble since they did not do the same for their wives. Also helped with the kids. All trying to build bridges and diffuse our differences. Now, I realize how it's only me who was interested in building bridges, because she did not engage in anything that was important to me such as playing board games, watching movies together, being romantically playful in and outside the house, oh I love touch, which she hates.
I just thought we'd grow towards each other, instead, I think I just grew towards her.

Sex is a vital part of a good relationship, and it is surprising your wife didn't know it. And she only started making the effort to find out what was wrong with her once you mentioned separation. You have been extremely kind and patient, more than most men would in the same circumstances. Go ahead, we only have this one life.

Thanks Coolsmith2009. It's the last thing I thought I'd ever do, but now I realize I've got to address it before it defines me. Thanks for your comments.

REST OF THE STORY: The affair started five months ago. I told my wife of my intention to separate then divorce three months ago (which she NEVER EVER expected. I think she thought I was locked in for life, which I thought too.), then she learnt of my affair 1 1/2 months ago. I apologized, told her it was wrong, my poor judgment, but that her knowledge of it did not change my stand to leave the marriage. I did not have to explain my reasons, since in the past we already have had arguments about me needing sex and romance, and her not wanting. I've made it clear that I don't want us to be enemies, just to be non romantic friends. I still show my care and support by doing house chores, kids stuff, and I don't withhold any money. She still has 100% access to my accounts. Since her learning of the affair, she has CHANGED. She first started forcing me into sex (which is tough because I do not have any emotional attachment to her and seriously, I'm a one woman guy). I could tell her body did not need/want it. Just her head. She then has checked a gynecologist, got seriously tested for hormones, she told me tests now show her testosterone is very low and she just bought some testosterone hormone pills and started taking. She actually sent me to pick up them up. I have clearly indicated to her that my decision is 95% final. In my mind, I'm just finalizing how I will make all the payments and support her. She is a good girl and a wonderful mother. I don't mind supporting her fully, even buying her a house as soon as I’m able to, especially since I am the one intending to end the relationship, which was not the plan. Just that she is not romantic - deal breaker. And I cannot survive without it, seriously. All these things she has done in the 1 1/2 months after she learnt about my affair. I'm wondering if she is trying to cage me into her life by interfering with the direction of my thoughts using some quickie actions.

So glad you were able to tell your wife you wanted the divorce. Otherwise, the agony can drag on for years with the "do I? don't I?" questions making you crazy. The changes she is trying to make sound like the normal thing many people do when faced with a relationship break-up: they try to get it back. She doesn't want to lose you. That does not mean you have to stay with her - that is your call. Hopefully, she will in fact be able to "fix" her hormone levels, so she can better herself and her life and you will be the one to have pushed her to do this, but unfortunately for her, it has taken the imminent loss of your relationship for her to get to the point that she is making these changes. Probably, she isn't trying to control you on purpose, but she is trying to get you to stay, and it sounds like she is getting desperate. You have given her so many opportunities in the past, though. You have tried so hard. You deserve the romance and appreciation you crave. I wish you happiness, no matter which path you take.

My husband tried for a divorce in our early marriage. Two years after he came home from the navy, Because the state at that time had assigned a guardianship that was considered permeant, my husband was given the ultimatum by the state at that time to come up with over 3000000.00 for my care in a private facility for my bi polar condition and the state would have required him to also pay for any other costs latter.
I understand the laws have changed since but my husband says now he is crippled due to MRSA 5 years ago causing his spinal cord to be crushed his life had been long stolen from him for 28 years in his opinion by this time.
I felt bad when he returned home and his father and other people in the community wanted me to control what my husband did on the job he came back to with over sixty percent seniority over the 7200 person work force in the transmission plant he worked in When he came home he was returning from a six year Military leave of absence and people that had parents in political positions or social positions as well as managerial positions in the community did not want him coming home and using his seniority rights under the UAW contract. To bump their sons, daughters, wives, and girlfriends, off jobs and shifts they liked, they said when one man bumps it starts a chain reaction of everyone bumping. causing people to be in places they really do not like, it would hurt families. and create chaos as I was told. I was asked for a short time after my husbands return if I could help control my husband and keep him from taking rights he had under the contract. At the time I had never had dealing with a group that had anything like this, if your supervisor said you are on a shift that's where they could keep you.
I said that what if my husband just would not listen to me about this, and his father and others told me there was one thing a man would want more than anything after being underwater 956 days out of the last three years and the rest of the time in schools or refit, That was sex. I agreed to hold off letting our marriage proceed for two years. I was just 24 at the time. and thought things would normalize by my husbands 30th Birthday, Things got worse, He started getting mad every time I went to bat for someone else, and the time just kept getting extended for the needs of others and in 2001 He had to have a brain Tumor removed, He had tried a divorce once in 1987 that's when the state told him what he had to come up with. And there were incidents that even bought the sheriffs department to our house4 on more than one holiday, once he chase his father and the county commissioner out of our back yard with an axe when they showed up and told him he was going to work on that holiday weather or not he had the seniority to refuse the Christmas week. Each time the deputy would look at his fathers friend and give my husband an ultimatum. go to work or wait in jail for causing a public disturbance. In 31 years from the day we married in 1981 to 2013 my husband had seven days where he was not in a medical facility or working Four for moving the things from South Carolina home. and three for recovery from a brain tumor removal. He was supposed to get another 57 days for that recovery. But his coworkers went to his father telling him how it was ruining their vacation times, so they forced him in telling him he did not work standing on his head. By this time I was getting slapped around when I tried refusing controlling my husband any farther.
Then that terrible year of 2001, the trade centers. My husband telling me I could drop dead and let him have his freedom, and him taking a job that his father and his commissioner best friend wanted to go to the commissioners son who had 15 years less seniority than my husband My husband turned four men after refusing to entertain a promise of normalizing our marriage into bleeding broken men, And that's what its been until 2009 when MRSA set into his spine force and counter force form everyone trying to keep my husband towing their line. Then When my husband went Ito surgery on his spine. MRSA had eaten everything up causing the cord to crush. an\d he nearly lost his life in the surgery, his return to home three years latter and I was not exactly faithful in this time, Things became blured in what was needed now, I still used terms like what he could be allowed one day, he did not care if he was allowed anything at this point he was taking it, including raping me, Stealing my journals and copying them to get everyone in trouble, he even dared me to file charges knowing he had worse on me out of my own journals ..
He made a rule that if I am invited he is to, Uses that cane of his to devastate any opposition to what he wants. I saw him take pleasure in breaking his fathers neck In march when he attempted to tell my husband he was not invited with me on this years vacation trip. He says we interfered in his rights for 33 years, now he is going to interfere in ours even if we die in the process. He had been left out of any real social interaction so long he really hates the society we lived in. He especially has no love for the way his father and myself used him for society's sake.. If he says sex now I just go ahead and allow it, I am losing my friends now in droves because they don't know when he will go off on them telling them they have nothing to say in our life.

Please complete your story by commenting under it. The rest might have been cut off due to the comment size.
I'm eager to continue reading. ;)

From the rape two years ago and the subsequent fight with his father and his best friend. His fathers best friend tried to say since he worked in the mayors office there for he had the right to enter any home in the community. My husband stood in the door and first demanded a warrant, and a badge, when my father in laws friend said get your crippled rear out of my way, my husband had set himself solid in the door and when he tried pushing my husband out of the way. I was standing trying not to watch at the edge of the kitchen corner crying, as my husband watching behind his fathers friend saw his father getting ready to park, my husband told his fathers friend he was leaving because I was no going after all. And he was to leave now. I was dressed in a dressing gown because the outfit I was going to wear was turned into confetie by my husband a little before when he called a halt to living like a monk, I saw his fathers friend push on my husbands chest trying to push past my husband the next thing I heard was a scream from his fathers friend as he was thrown over the rail at his arriving father. He hit face fi5rst in the driveway. His father had to get out in 20 below temps and get his badly hurt friend into his car to take to the Emergency room, and my husbands mother came into the house. She saw my ripped up clothing, the underwear in shreds, and I was sitting on the bed crying, She came in and said so my son really blew his top today, Why? I told her the reason was for hundreds of promises broken by me over the last 31 years. Resentment for thousands of hours her son did not want to work on holidays and vacations no matter what she had been told was the reason my husband never came on them..
I was really sobbing by that time and asked her why somebody that once loved me could do something like rape me that evening when all I wanted him to do was talk things through with everyone after the Fund raising dinner. I told her of my proposal To meet after the event with everyone and we would get everything on the table and at least some of my husbands resentment resolved somehow, try and get everyone off his back and maybe have some of the life he w, Including sex, vacations, holidays. We could have figured some way to get him these things over time, I told her that he was not going to wait for any thing now. She asked when was the last time we had been in bed at the same time before MRSA set in and I told her two days before our wedding 31 years before, She just about tore my face off.
She was saying why would her son do that, I had to admit it was not him. It was something I had agreed to before he came home in 1985, with her husband and others. I told her how many times I had used sex as a promise4 to blackmail my husband into working holidays, weekends and vacation times. How many times I had been asked to do it to stop him taking the shift or job he wanted. She said and who's idea was all this. I told her it seemed to start with her husband.
She said that it was also at the request of his friends. Because they had power in the county and he did not want to run afowl of them did he. Or have his son get in their face. She said I am totally tired of this game everyone is playing with my son. They think he's the only key to their needs in everything, and now they thought they had him cowed. She asked me how often has this come up. between me and my husband. I said before the MRSA set in almost every hour he was in our house. then when he came home it was a constant thing, she asked me why he had been placed in the stress center. I told her the truth it was because The man I had been in an affair with until two weeks before was almost killed by my husband when he tried to humiliate him because of being crippled now.
I think that I was lucky his father came back screaming at my husband about how he did not have any rights earned or other wise other than those that he was told by his father and others he had. My husband was just sitting in front of the screened fire pit on the porch keeping warm, and he looked up at him and said I told you; you don't have any business in my life you have interfered in my marriage4 for 31 years and he told his father if he opened his mouth one more time he was going to eat the driveway like his friend did. He did not scream it, did not yell this. just stated as fact. My mother in law stepped out and told his father they were leaving now and my father in law turned furious that his son was in total defiance. Told His mother they had to nip this idea he had any rights in the bud or else they would never get my husband to cooperate with any thing. She just about knocked him into the drive.
She came back the next day and said,' We had to move out of state," She had talked to my mother and my husbands cousins who were trying to sell their fathers Remote home In NE WY. They had worked out a way we could trade properties. Ours was worth just a little more than theirs. and my mother listened to my husbands mother about what I had done over three decades. And how my father in law suggested it.
My mother covered the move West and her and my sister came out to help since my husband wore out so fast when he had to drive. We had fun on the drive stopping at every tourist trap until we met with the moving van to lead them into the property.
When we arrived much went into the pole barn, and a lot into the 16x80 redman. I was surprised at how nice this place was and had known when his uncle did two years before it was brand new. It was set on a cinder block foundation. My sister stayed two weeks before going back to the east coast, she borrowed the pickup daily to explorer the area and she did nothing but talk about how inexpensive the area was. she took tons of pictures, and said when she got back to the coast she was going to talk to her new husband about moving here when they retired last year.
My mother stayed on for almost two months that time, It was just over three months since my husband forced me into sex, I was just settling into life there when I was getting sick in the afternoon. I felt like everything hurt and my mother found me a GP in Cheyan, they put me in the hospital to find out what was wrong and they finally did a pregnancy test. I was well over the first three months. When my mother took me back home My husband had finished getting everything arranged, had several pieces of chicken to cook over the fire pit in the yard. I found that the area ranchers as a we4lcome wagon gift filled several of his uncles freezers in the barn and had pretty much left us with enough groceries for a year. Me and my mother sat down across from my husband that evening, And he asked if I was suffering from altitude sickness. My mother said no that's not what is going on, She said this time she can't get an abortion. I said I would be ready about the end of November early December for the child I was carrying to be born.
My husband went and had a sample for DNA testing taken, and when my mother asked why parentage was in question I had to tell her Who the other man that could be the father was.
She told me to get my things together, and we were going back to the east coast to have this child, my husband s family had a range cabin 2 and a half days horse ride away, he decided to go up to high range as they call it through the winter he went up and ordered new batteries and even had a guy search for steam generation parts and repaired his uncles wind turbans . By the time winter set in he had the cats and dog up there enough food to do him for months. enough power, and wood in to last a year at least under the worst weather and enough horse feed to keep the Apalusa another cousin loaned him, and I took my husbands blood sample and DNA panel back east with me, and even though my mo0ther was angry with me about how things happened in my life I went through the pregnancy until DEC 8th 2013 at 2;34 am est. My husband was notified BY 2 Metter FM he now had a son and the panel showed 97 percent probable he is the father, which was a relief to my mother, we flew back the day before my husbands birthday and he came down looking like a mountain man in buckskin with long hair and a red beard. My mother said that if he was on a sailing ship she would think he was a pirate released our three cats back into the house and I found a basonet and crib set up Already, The three cats were I think aghast at this squalling thing in the crib the dog just laid right beside the crib, My mother was fearful of my husband handling the baby but he said he handled his twin brother and sister from the day they were bought home in England the baby did not even cry at his father just smiled, 18 months later now we know for a fact they are father and son, same hair color, same hazel eyes, same expressions, and I think same attitude.
When we went back we left him with my mother last may after her and my sister moved out here to their new home. Her husband I found out is an avid fly fisherman and the streams here are made for it, he catches trout in the stream right on the edge of the property.
We started in on getting the house ready to sell, and give the cash to his cousins on the west coast, and within two days my husband and his father were into it. over his including himself in the Memorial day holiday traditions. His father slapped his son for embarrassing him by not letting his best friend accompany me to after dinner drinks instead of my husband. In fact my husband threatened a return to the hospital. if he did not scram. My husband used a full fist to backhand his father across the kitchen. The door man that had been told not to admit my husband fared even worse. then two other friends for using pistols later in the summer to back my husband down have several years of reconstructive surgery to go through after my husband ambushed them, with his cane cutting their faces down to the jawbone.
Then this year his father thinking still he had to try and keep his son under his thumb. Showed up at our hotel before boarding a cruise with a ball bat to send my husband home after I had even tried a compromise just to wait 3 more years, which was flatly rejected. We had to go home any way because my husband broke his fathers neck in the confrontation.
I really have only one more question to ask the women on this site!
If you had a husband that everyone thought was going to disrupt any thing everyone around wanted, and even your father in law asked for help controlling him, What other means could have been used to get your husband to be agreeable than the promise one day he would have the sex life and home life he wanted, just not the day he came home from being under water the last three and a half years? I was the carrot on the stick. the attempt to get one man to be agreeable even over what he had earned. What would you have done if you were caught in my position?

Wow! I've really tried to follow this twisty story. So, how are you all now?

We Live in a very remote area In Wyoming now. My husband was from this area as well as his mother until his father retired from the military. In the Mid west. When I met my husband I lived I Norfolk VA with my mother and went to school in New York and had just two semesters to go through there. I was new to the area And the first time I saw my husband he was a Shore patrol escorting Prisoners waiting for Captains mast and Courts martial. To what Navy called a mess deck. He was tall, walked straight and my mothers friend said that he was the straightest lace person on the base and no nonsense kind of military because he had already been in the army and he was 26.
We married a year and four months latter. I expected a wonderful life with him until the evening of our wedding when the needs of the Navy. When a shore patrol Chief was waiting where we were going to spend our wedding night until we left for his next duty station on Monday. They loaded him on A COD aircraft for Jaxsonville NAS He was at sea the next morning. He remaining at sea, in refit and schools the next three and a half years.
I always hoped he was going to get the same consideration as other members of the crew but He never seemed to get an off crew time. I ended up going to live with my mother for a year and when my husband got angry about how he was being constantly ordered out on the needs of the navy. So he got out and was going back to the civilian job he had between the army and Navy. By this time I was living at his fathers for six months.
His father was screaming his son should never had married. He said but their was a way I could help when he returned. He introduced me to many of his friends, my husbands coworkers and people that could be hurt if my husband came home and decided to take what was due under the UAW contract.
His father said that my husband could not even be allowed the sex, family, and home life he wanted, because he would take it from people with less seniority than him but needed the time off, the home life with the families they had. He said I needed to control my husband and what he wanted. He also said that a woman as pretty as I was would not have a problem about men since most had various part5ners in the area. He said I could have a very good time even while my husband would not. He also said if I could wait just a couple of years then it would not matter since by that time everyone would be used to my husband being back. Sixteen years later my husband was still without time off or weekends or holidays, I would promise if he did not cause trouble just one more time I would be the wife he wanted. If he did not take that shift or job he was bumping to I would allow sex Then that morning after a brain surgery earlier that summer and 9/11 two months before. My husband decided he had waited long enough after being married 20 years. and being home sixteen. It was over a job bid he was taking. the other one that wanted the job was a county commissioners son and I think it was a decision my husband knew would just about cause his father to have a heart attack, Because his father first tried screaming my husband into taking his name of the bid for the sake of his friendship with the county commissioner who was his fathers best friend, My husband said he has never been my friend so why should I, I think he is a horses rear. And His son has 15 years less seniority than me. I told my husband right there their has been something he had wanted from me for more than twenty years. I told him he could have the greatest sex he would ever know if he just stayed put just one more time, we could try and start the family he wanted. and I would even go to bat to get him the next two holiday periods and the vacation he wanted without interference, in front of his father and the commissioner my husband told me he wanted me to step in front of a semi. my word meant less than nothing, and he knew I was a tramp, Actually he used a much more derogatory word for me. and he told me he owed none of use anything, he told his father and this friend to get out of his house and never return. He was taking the new job. He told me that I was going to start being a wife to him or I could go with them. He grabbed them by their belts and tossed them into the yard. Then he said I expect you wont be here when I return at 4 am, take my junk with me. He left for work and his father came back with instructions on what was going to happen that next morning. His father said I was to use the bolt to keep my husband out. There were going to be four men coming to tell my husband he was removing his name. and if things got to rough when his son refused to cooperate then I could call the police. his father said that this apparently was the only thing his son would understand concerning what he thought he was due at work, that piece of paper called the contract was not going to rule every body's life.
That night I did as instructed because I was angry at the foul names my husband used against me that day. I knew they were deserved but he did not have to say it like that. I was angry he refused ever to try and take a promise I made at face value. I think I was most hurt he was right. When he walked up on the porch he heard the bolt slide closed to and bottom of door he turned to leave when the four men including the commissioners son came on the porch, The gave him two options, remove his name in peace or in pieces. My husbands reply was basically they could kiss his rear.
One minute latter blood covered our porch four men were down and desperately hurt none of them my husband and the door and door frame was laying on top of me with him standing on it telling me if I ever tried getting him hurt again I was going to die. or at least go where the four laying bleeding and broken on our porch and in the street where going. Emergency services was pulling up at our house and the city police, somebody else called them and my husband is using the hose to spray everything including the injured.
The police stopped him at that point and He said am I under arrest, they took statements from witnesses about how the other four had attacked him first and let him go. He walked upstairs and grabbed a bag of cloths and was on his way out when his crying father arrived. He looked at the carnage and looked at his son and asked if a dam job was worth this, my husband said apparently so since he had sent them. his father called his friends and had the door back in and They called his foreman and asked who she was having to force to work that weekend since my husband was not going to work it, she sa that she had heard what happe4ned and two out of the seven that were qualified to run my husbands job were badly hurt the night before that she was wondering who she could get hold of since my husband refused in the canvas. His father made her a promise not to worry my husband was going to be there. He was five hours late and escorted in because they said it was an emergency by the state police, they had located him seventy miles away and said he was very hard to get there. when they found out the Emergency they said if the company or us ever called again they would disregard the APB he did not even start his machines and told his foreman she had better get someone else to run them because he was not, my husbands commitiman said he was the most obstinate man he ever had to deal with that night, even the union president had to be called to beg my husband to even run one part.
He ran ten then shut the machines down and said that was all he was running Lets go to the national union. for ten parts the company ended up paying for fifty six hours of overtime because everyone broke seniority rules. Hs father and others over that night felt my husband was never getting any consideration in life. He worked every day but six from 1985 to 2009 when MRSA invaded his spine. When he came home even armed intimidation did not work,
The man I had been seeing the last year and a half of my husbands rehab is ow frightend to even sleep because of the beating my husband gave him, Two weeks latter he told me if I could tramp for other men I could certainly do it for him as he raped me. I had begged and pleaded for 45 minutes that he had to understand that I had needs and everyone else did to.
I was sorry he was treated as he was and couldn't we get together to talk after and event I was going to as the escort to his fathers best friend. as well as his mother and father. He hated hearing about other peoples needs by then, He was not standing for me staying in his house and not doing as I had promised 31 years before, and he really has started despising his father and his friends and especially any time they talk about them having needs greater than my husbands. He ripped the dress I had just purchased that weekend off me and said I was not wearing it for another man since he paid for it, He told me I could wait in what I was in by the curb in 20 below temps He could care less. I was crying and begging for some understanding about the last 25 years since he came home from the Navy. And he would not negotiate any thing about me having sex with him. he took me on the living room floor in rage and anger, and the last two years my husband considers his needs before all now.
As evidenced by my husband breaking his fathers neck in March. He decided my last vacation trip in 2012 that I took was the last one I was taking without him. This one he was coming weather or not he was invited.
I tried to make a compromise with him telling him that this one was just the 11th in the last 33 years. That I could go this time one more time without him and keep his father happy. I said I would talk myself blue in the face if I had to to get him included on the Hawiian trip in 2018. A answer was short. I was not going this time because he was pulling my funding or he was going. My husbands mother invited him and his father was furious and showed up at our room the Night before boarding with a ball bat. He broke his fathers neck and was pleased when he did. I am never going to ask my husband to back down again. Just gets people hurt.
I am tired of trying to control someone who wont accept controls. I think that now we live out west we might have a chance at something left even if its just being in peace. I told my husbands father never to ask me for help with his son again . I was just going to do it my husbands way. and with everyone that is in terror my husband will come after them next. its leaving his father far out in the cold, My husbands mother says its well deserved.

3 More Responses

live your life the way you want to . If the marriage has lost its love then you need to move along.

I agree

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. And I have to say I'm really very sorry if your wife is like that. Shes so selfish!