I Had An Affair And Fell In Love..

When I was younger I imagined love as something you shared with someone and the whole world was allowed to see your happiness, your joy. I never imagined I would be in love someone and would have to hide it from the world, from my friends and from my family.
We were first introduced by my now ex fiance of 5 yrs. He was sitting at the bar with his girlfriend of 10+ yrs. I didn't think much of him, just that he was fiancé's friend. A year or so passed since that night that I met him. My fiance and I went through a really rough year and we ended up separating. We went our separate ways and I'll admit that was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. I really thought I love my fiance, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, thought we'd have a family and grow old together. When we separated i felt like my world had be turned upside down and I really thought I would never be able to feel "love" again. After about 5 months after my separation I crossed paths with the man I had be introduced to at the bar. We started talking and we exchanged numbers and we would talk everyday. We started going out to lunch, then dinner then it turned to us just sitting there in total silence having the best times of our lives. We started telling each other our most private secrets, things we wouldn't tell anyone else. He would tell me how he was in a relationship with someone who he had lost all the love for, there wasn't any affection, sex, happiness that they were just together to be together because they had promised each other they'd be together no matter what happened. After 4 months of seeing each other almost everyday and having conversations for hours on the phone about nothing we had sex. and let me tell you that was the most amazing sex i had ever had. He triggered something in me that had never been triggered before. The next day he called me to tell me how amazing I was and we continued on talking like usual. Its now been a year since this all started and he is still with his girlfriend of 10+yrs. He still tells me he is unhappy with her, he tells me that I made him feel something that he never thought he would ever feel again that I make him happy, something she hasn't done in years. . I feel this love for him that I cant explain. The way I feel about him, I never once felt for my ex fiance. He makes me happy in such a way that I feel invincible, like nothing can destroy me. What we have is beautiful and I've never been more scared in my life to lose something. He tells me he wants to be with me, he wants to leave her and start a life with me. He says he wants to be happy and yet he still stays with her. I know deep down he loves her and wants to work things out with her but I also know that part of him knows things between them will never work out. If it hasn't worked out for years it wont magically fix itself. I don't know how to leave someone who wasn't even mine in he first place. I don't know how to end something that means so much to me, something so beautiful. How can I just walk away from someone who shows me nothing but love, protection affection, most of all happiness. I know I don't deserve a half asked affair with someone. Its really hard because for a split second that something in my soul was missing, he made me feel like it was full like I wasn't empty anymore and it hurts to know that this isn't real and that he wont leave her, that at the end of the day I'll still have a hole in my heart and he'll still be with her. i told him I needed to hear him choose that I needed to place things into perspective so that I could finally move on and realize that life goes on and that this isn't a fairy tale. His response to me was "I've always told you that when you can't do this anymore I wouldn't say anything at all. If this means you cant talk to me anymore okay I understand, life goes on. You know I care so much about you, If i could turn time back i would do a lot of things differently but in life there are some things that cant be changed" When i read that, I swear it felt like my heart skipped a few beats. I can sincerely say that the way my heart feels I didn't once feel with my ex fiance, someone whom I thought I loved, someone whom I was ready to devote my life to. My heart now hurts in such a way that I feel nauseous, I want to cry, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I just want to rip my heart out of my chest so I don't have to feel this heartache. I opened up my heart and shared a huge part of my life with this man who wasn't even mine and now I'm lost. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to lose him but I can't have him be with someone else and be with me at the same time. Its not fair that she gets everything and I get nothing. I don't want to keep this a secret from the world. I'm tired of seeing them out together I'm tired of him answering her phone calls/texts when we're together. I want him for myself but I can't tell him to leave her for me I don't want to sound desperate or needy. I never thought I'd ever be in an affair I never saw myself falling for someone who wasn't mine. I never thought I would ever do it. I feel so guilty for allowing myself to love a man who has another person in his life. The only way I can place anything into perspective is to realize that we can't have anything else.
Lan23 Lan23
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013