My Ex Has Moved On And I Am Sad
So, it has been a long time already, I guess. I am supposed to be happy in my fantastic life. I have a sweet son who has a beautiful smile and a husband who is helping me to slowly, slowly work on making our marriage better. I had an affair with a man I considered my soulmate, but decided (bravely, I thought at the time) to work on my marriage instead of throwing it away for true love. My husband - a man I had dated for seven years, who had finally agreed to marry me - wanted to stay with me in spite of the affair. That he forgave me that deep offense warmed my heart toward him and I felt I just couldn't leave him for another man, even one that I wanted with all my heart. It was just too cruel. I thought, if I tried everything to make the marriage good and we still weren't compatible, then I could leave with a clean conscience. If we somehow fell in love along the way, well, so be it! But I wanted that clear-cut answer, and I wanted us to finally be honest. So I left my lover. But he still needed me, loved me, and I talked with him. I couldn't really let him go, even though we were now a long distance from each other, since I had moved right away with my husband way up north. I heard the pain in his voice every day. I ached for how I hurt him. I loved him with everything I had and I still do. Of course, this made working on my marriage difficult, since my heart could not be in two places at once. I repeatedly told my ex-lover that we had to stop talking. But I couldn't cut him off. One day I told him that our contact would only hurt him worse one day, because at some point I would have a child and it would not be with him. It felt like I was stabbing myself in the heart when I said this, and I think he felt the same way. He was hurt, we didn't talk for awhile, but he just needed to hear my voice and I needed him as much as ever. So I went ahead with my husband, as I had promised I would. We got a house. We got pregnant. When he found out about the baby coming soon, my Ex was heartbroken again. I was heartbroken continuously all this time. I was so sad for my innocent baby, whom I just wanted to be happy about, who never did anything wrong to anybody. I ruined everyone's life, I felt. My poor, sweet husband, who tried in his way, but could never make me feel loved, my lover, who meant everything to me, but went to sleep lonely every night, kissing my empty pillow by his head, my baby, who needed love and happiness, not despair, and myself - lonely, trapped, desperate for love and understanding, exhausted, not having a friend to confide in. The baby came. My Ex-lover said he still loved me, no matter what. He wrote me a Valentine's Day card. He said he really, truly believed that he was made to be with me. Then two weeks after Valentine's Day (2012), he said we couldn't talk or text anymore because he was seeing someone. They had been chatting on the phone for a couple of weeks, then she spent the weekend over at his place. So he wanted me to respect his new relationship and not contact him. They were suddenly a happy, loving couple on facebook, sending heart pictures to each other on public profile (I am not friends with either person on facebook - I only see public stuff). Four months into the relationship, she apparently got pregnant, because their daughter is due in two months now. So it has been ten months or so since we talked last. And he is about to be a dad. And he fell in love with her right after saying those amazing things to me. And they are naming the baby after his mother. And they are getting married, I hear, or else they have just gotten married, I don't even know. I am glad that he is happy. I am so happy that I am not making him sad anymore. I am happy that we are not in contact so that I can be honest with my husband and give more attention to my sweet child. But the hole in my heart isn't going away. I wanted that baby with my lover. I wanted to be married to him. I wanted to name a child after his mother. How can he be "made to be with me" and suddenly made to be with her and be done with me? It hurts so much. Yes, I know it's my fault. I know I let him go and he had to move on with his life. I know he made a great life choice and he will be a terrific father and husband and that he has found an excellent partner for himself. I can tell they are the real deal and they will be good for each other. I made him go away, but I guess I didn't think he would be this happy, this soon. It seemed pretty quick to me. Talk about moving on! I haven't moved on. He is still the love of my whole life. I am working hard on making my marriage work, and it is going slowly. The decision I made - maybe it was foolish to try to work on a relationship I didn't really want, just for the sake of fairness to my long-term man and for the sake of clarity. Maybe I should have just stopped the wedding and run away with my Love. I just want to be happy for them and be fulfilled in my life. I try so hard to be happy for them, and sometimes I am, but it hurts so, so much. I am still trying in my marriage. My husband is trying, too, now that I have an official diagnosis of depression with feelings of suicide. Now he understands I've been unhappy with the way things are. I'm still not sure he gets it, though. When I'm happy again, he says, he won't have to do nice things for me, or spend as much time with me. I'm just afraid it's too late. My one chance at love is gone forever. Will I ever feel confident and happy again?