I Had An Affair
Update at the bottom.
Here is my story written for the first time.
It’s long. If you get through it, I thank you.
I met my husband freshman year of college and we were married 7 years later. He used to be my best friend… until we got married. We married in 2006 and had our first child in 2007 unexpectedly. This was the first strain on our marriage. The baby was not planned and he wanted me to have an abortion right off the bat. We worked through it and had another child in 2009… again not planned. After the 2nd was born, our marriage really took a hit. He was raised to devote his ENTIRE being to his children while I was raised to be very independent and to instill that onto my children. Blah blah blah. I know… kids change things.
Well we started only having sex about once/month in a good month. Our lives were becoming more and more about the children and less and less about our marriage. Eventually both kids starting sleeping with us in bed and instead of doing the smart thing, we just bought a bigger bed instead of making them go to their rooms. Our entire being was about making sure the kids were happy and we completely lost each other.
When we tried to go on a date, we had nothing to talk about. He didn’t care about my job, I didn’t care about his. If there was nothing to talk about with the kids, we didn’t talk. If we had sex, it usually involved one of us having to have a few drinks. We have friends and we hosted parties, went to parties and basically put on a face to the rest of the world that we were happy. No one suspected anything. Not family or friends.
Deep down inside I was dying. I tried talking to him about it many times but he would just say “This is life. This is what happens when you have kids”. I couldn’t buy that excuse anymore. I wanted more for myself, my husband and my kids. Something had to change but I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing. As long as I didn’t bring up the issues, the husband was fine.
Fast forward to January 2011. I was on a business trip with a bunch of colleges. I started talking to one of the guys on the trip with me and we ended up staying up until about 5 am talking. This began a one year emotional affair. That is all it was. He was actually able to better his marriage by talking with me while I felt mine was crumbling to the ground. My life was spiraling out of control and I didn’t know what to do.
January 2012, we bought a new house in a better school district as the oldest was getting ready to start school in the fall. I was ready to move on to a better job at this point too so I began working as a consultant that included about 100% travel most weeks. I also started making about 3.5 times as much as I had made in my 9-5 job. It was liberating. I actually felt alive. People needed me in my job. On Thursdays, I could come home for 4 nights and be with the family. On Monday, I left and my life made sense. I actually started to think that my life could work this way. Who needs love, affection, respect and sex when I can busy myself with other things such as work?
I want to be clear that my husband 100% supported me in this new job for a few months and then the emotional abuse started. He would constantly throw in my face that I was never home, he had to take care of everything, he was the good parent (in his words), I was an absent mother, etc. I began to once again feel bad about everything in my life.
In June 2012, I was able to acquire a new contract that only required 5o% travel so I thought this would help with the stress at home. Again, husband supported but in reality the emotional/verbal abuse from him got worse. He constantly made me feel bad about my job and leaving. I started to feel bad. I was already suffering “mommy guilt” and he made it worse.
In August 2021, I announced I wanted a divorce. It wasn’t a threat, it wasn’t a scare tactic. I had made the decision to choose happiness. I knew it would suck for my kids and that it would take a lot of work on both of our parts but it was the end of the line. He said “no”. So we tried counseling. It was horrible. I hated the counselor and I hated the way she talked to us like we were 4 years old. I told my husband that I did not love him and that it was time to move on before we lost complete respect for each other. He couldn’t accept that. He kept saying that we have to stay together for the kids. I think that is a load of crap. Just because his parents are miserable and stayed together for the kids doesn’t mean it is right. I wanted to out and I wanted him to want out too.
I should mention that I suffer from a co-dependency disorder. If he didn’t want out, I couldn’t force him out. Looking back that was the biggest mistake of my life. I did meet with a lawyer. I have had my portion of dissolution paperwork filled out for 4 months now but have never had the guts to move forward with it. My parents kept saying “things will get better, you just need to work on it”, “you will be fine soon”. I also have a fear of disappointing my parents and family and friends.
Anyway. I guess I decided to stay. And then I began an affair in September. He is 10 years older than me and never been married. This affair is more than just sex. It is about 95% emotional. We connect on so many different levels. He knows I am married. He knows about my kids and he doesn’t care. He lives in the city I travel to every other week for work. He stays with me in my hotel when I am traveling and I have stayed at his place a few times as well. We have said “I love you” and I truly believe that he and I are meant to be together. He said he will wait for me. Again, I just couldn’t bring myself to file my divorce paperwork. I feel like I am failing and disappointing so many other people so instead of just ending it appropriately, I stayed married and kept going with my affair.
My affair partner is “broken” too. His dad passed away when he was young and he found him and according to him has never been the same. He moved to the US to start over He has trust issues but has never questioned me about anything. He is a good man. I have met his friends and sister and they all know my story. I also met his mother a couple weeks ago and she is wonderful. She knows I have kids but does not know I am married still. I actually get along with his family… which is a far cry from the family my husband belongs to. We have never gotten along. I think they believe that he married the wrong person. Which he did.
My life was crumbling. I felt guilty no matter what I was doing. Now granted I haven’t had any physical contact with my husband since August so I wasn’t pretending like everything was perfect. I just kept thinking that eventually he is going to come to his senses and realize he wants a divorce too. He didn’t.
This past Sunday he confronted me and told me he knew what was going on. I denied it until he started telling me details. I have no idea how he found out but he did. He demanded I end the affair and leave the house. He demanded I quit my job and never travel back there again. I told him I would end it (which I tried… I did) but I couldn’t just abandon my job. It was not professionally responsible. I ended up traveling there on Tuesday and got home yesterday. I tried to stay away from my affair partner but couldn’t. I tried taking a step back to make sure I am not leaving my husband for the wrong reasons but I have known well before all of this started. I just didn’t have the backbone to end it and then I just went ahead and fell in love with someone else.
I am sorry I hurt my husband. Sorry I didn’t end it before I started a relationship with someone else but at least I now have the courage to stand up for myself and leave. I am tired of hearing what a bad person I am, bad mother, bad this, bad that. I may be a bad wife, but I am not a bad mother.
My brother knows, one friend knows and my mother knows. It’s the fear of disappointing my dad, I am the most scared of.
I am glad it is out. I just hope that he can find peace with this and that we can both move on. Do I know whether my new relationship will work? No. Statistics say they won’t either but at least I have the courage to do what I should have done a long time ago and for that I am thankful.
2/3- My parents, brother and sister in law know from my side. They are disappointed but are supportive. Husband has been extra verbally and emotionally abusive the past couple of days. Threatened to pick up the kids and run saying I would never see them again. Said I have no right to take them on vacation on Saturday with my parents. Lots of really harsh words. It has been a roller coaster weekend for everyone but I truly believe in my heart this will all work out.
I am going to call a lawyer tomorrow that a friend recommended to me. I have a lawyer but I think she is kind of a flake. I think I am going to go ahead and file for divorce and if the husband comes to his senses, I can flip it to a dissolution. I just can't live like this anymore and I want my life back. I also want to give him his back as well.
This will all work out... I pray.
Here is my story written for the first time.
It’s long. If you get through it, I thank you.
I met my husband freshman year of college and we were married 7 years later. He used to be my best friend… until we got married. We married in 2006 and had our first child in 2007 unexpectedly. This was the first strain on our marriage. The baby was not planned and he wanted me to have an abortion right off the bat. We worked through it and had another child in 2009… again not planned. After the 2nd was born, our marriage really took a hit. He was raised to devote his ENTIRE being to his children while I was raised to be very independent and to instill that onto my children. Blah blah blah. I know… kids change things.
Well we started only having sex about once/month in a good month. Our lives were becoming more and more about the children and less and less about our marriage. Eventually both kids starting sleeping with us in bed and instead of doing the smart thing, we just bought a bigger bed instead of making them go to their rooms. Our entire being was about making sure the kids were happy and we completely lost each other.
When we tried to go on a date, we had nothing to talk about. He didn’t care about my job, I didn’t care about his. If there was nothing to talk about with the kids, we didn’t talk. If we had sex, it usually involved one of us having to have a few drinks. We have friends and we hosted parties, went to parties and basically put on a face to the rest of the world that we were happy. No one suspected anything. Not family or friends.
Deep down inside I was dying. I tried talking to him about it many times but he would just say “This is life. This is what happens when you have kids”. I couldn’t buy that excuse anymore. I wanted more for myself, my husband and my kids. Something had to change but I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing. As long as I didn’t bring up the issues, the husband was fine.
Fast forward to January 2011. I was on a business trip with a bunch of colleges. I started talking to one of the guys on the trip with me and we ended up staying up until about 5 am talking. This began a one year emotional affair. That is all it was. He was actually able to better his marriage by talking with me while I felt mine was crumbling to the ground. My life was spiraling out of control and I didn’t know what to do.
January 2012, we bought a new house in a better school district as the oldest was getting ready to start school in the fall. I was ready to move on to a better job at this point too so I began working as a consultant that included about 100% travel most weeks. I also started making about 3.5 times as much as I had made in my 9-5 job. It was liberating. I actually felt alive. People needed me in my job. On Thursdays, I could come home for 4 nights and be with the family. On Monday, I left and my life made sense. I actually started to think that my life could work this way. Who needs love, affection, respect and sex when I can busy myself with other things such as work?
I want to be clear that my husband 100% supported me in this new job for a few months and then the emotional abuse started. He would constantly throw in my face that I was never home, he had to take care of everything, he was the good parent (in his words), I was an absent mother, etc. I began to once again feel bad about everything in my life.
In June 2012, I was able to acquire a new contract that only required 5o% travel so I thought this would help with the stress at home. Again, husband supported but in reality the emotional/verbal abuse from him got worse. He constantly made me feel bad about my job and leaving. I started to feel bad. I was already suffering “mommy guilt” and he made it worse.
In August 2021, I announced I wanted a divorce. It wasn’t a threat, it wasn’t a scare tactic. I had made the decision to choose happiness. I knew it would suck for my kids and that it would take a lot of work on both of our parts but it was the end of the line. He said “no”. So we tried counseling. It was horrible. I hated the counselor and I hated the way she talked to us like we were 4 years old. I told my husband that I did not love him and that it was time to move on before we lost complete respect for each other. He couldn’t accept that. He kept saying that we have to stay together for the kids. I think that is a load of crap. Just because his parents are miserable and stayed together for the kids doesn’t mean it is right. I wanted to out and I wanted him to want out too.
I should mention that I suffer from a co-dependency disorder. If he didn’t want out, I couldn’t force him out. Looking back that was the biggest mistake of my life. I did meet with a lawyer. I have had my portion of dissolution paperwork filled out for 4 months now but have never had the guts to move forward with it. My parents kept saying “things will get better, you just need to work on it”, “you will be fine soon”. I also have a fear of disappointing my parents and family and friends.
Anyway. I guess I decided to stay. And then I began an affair in September. He is 10 years older than me and never been married. This affair is more than just sex. It is about 95% emotional. We connect on so many different levels. He knows I am married. He knows about my kids and he doesn’t care. He lives in the city I travel to every other week for work. He stays with me in my hotel when I am traveling and I have stayed at his place a few times as well. We have said “I love you” and I truly believe that he and I are meant to be together. He said he will wait for me. Again, I just couldn’t bring myself to file my divorce paperwork. I feel like I am failing and disappointing so many other people so instead of just ending it appropriately, I stayed married and kept going with my affair.
My affair partner is “broken” too. His dad passed away when he was young and he found him and according to him has never been the same. He moved to the US to start over He has trust issues but has never questioned me about anything. He is a good man. I have met his friends and sister and they all know my story. I also met his mother a couple weeks ago and she is wonderful. She knows I have kids but does not know I am married still. I actually get along with his family… which is a far cry from the family my husband belongs to. We have never gotten along. I think they believe that he married the wrong person. Which he did.
My life was crumbling. I felt guilty no matter what I was doing. Now granted I haven’t had any physical contact with my husband since August so I wasn’t pretending like everything was perfect. I just kept thinking that eventually he is going to come to his senses and realize he wants a divorce too. He didn’t.
This past Sunday he confronted me and told me he knew what was going on. I denied it until he started telling me details. I have no idea how he found out but he did. He demanded I end the affair and leave the house. He demanded I quit my job and never travel back there again. I told him I would end it (which I tried… I did) but I couldn’t just abandon my job. It was not professionally responsible. I ended up traveling there on Tuesday and got home yesterday. I tried to stay away from my affair partner but couldn’t. I tried taking a step back to make sure I am not leaving my husband for the wrong reasons but I have known well before all of this started. I just didn’t have the backbone to end it and then I just went ahead and fell in love with someone else.
I am sorry I hurt my husband. Sorry I didn’t end it before I started a relationship with someone else but at least I now have the courage to stand up for myself and leave. I am tired of hearing what a bad person I am, bad mother, bad this, bad that. I may be a bad wife, but I am not a bad mother.
My brother knows, one friend knows and my mother knows. It’s the fear of disappointing my dad, I am the most scared of.
I am glad it is out. I just hope that he can find peace with this and that we can both move on. Do I know whether my new relationship will work? No. Statistics say they won’t either but at least I have the courage to do what I should have done a long time ago and for that I am thankful.
2/3- My parents, brother and sister in law know from my side. They are disappointed but are supportive. Husband has been extra verbally and emotionally abusive the past couple of days. Threatened to pick up the kids and run saying I would never see them again. Said I have no right to take them on vacation on Saturday with my parents. Lots of really harsh words. It has been a roller coaster weekend for everyone but I truly believe in my heart this will all work out.
I am going to call a lawyer tomorrow that a friend recommended to me. I have a lawyer but I think she is kind of a flake. I think I am going to go ahead and file for divorce and if the husband comes to his senses, I can flip it to a dissolution. I just can't live like this anymore and I want my life back. I also want to give him his back as well.
This will all work out... I pray.
By:
mycrazylife80
Age:
31-35
,
Female
