I Had An Affair
Here is my story of the selfish, terrible person that I am. This is a long story, but I feel the need to spill as I have been unable to share any of this with anyone. I am married. I have been married for about 2 and a half years and have been with him for over 8 years. We are both young, still in our mid 20s. My husband treats me great. He works hard, he treats me well, and I am basically absolutely sure that he would never even consider cheating on me. This is what makes this whole situation even harder. Shortly after we were married, I got a new job that involved a change of pace for me. I was involved in a night life type of employment, which I had never been around before. There were nights of drinking, partying, meeting new friends, etc. One of the guys I worked with kissed me a couple times on these drunken nights, and I felt bad, but knew that I would never take it to the next level. I loved my husband and would never consider ruining that for anything more. I was surprised that I could kiss another man and not feel guilty about it though. Easily, I stayed away from him, and kept it together for the next year or so. Later on, I got a new job. This job involved a semi-night life and a lot of new young people to hang around with. I didn't want to get involved in all of the drama and the partying like I had at my last job. I pretty much kept to myself for a good 6 months of working there. I was polite, cordial, but respectfully turned down offers from co-workers. I was focused on my job, my education, and my husband. One night I was asked by one of the managers if I would consider picking up extra work. I asked him what the extra work was, needing the money. He said that one of the owners of our work was planning a big night out and that he needed someone to be a DD for him and his friends. He was paying a decent amount for this. I discussed it with my husband, and he agreed to it. We even had a plan in case anything got too weird, that he knew where I was, and he would be nearby in case I needed help. However, I didn't believe this, as the owner seemed very mature and responsible everytime I had met him.
That night nothing weird happened. I drove them around, drove them home, and everything was fine. The guys all got a little drunk, but nothing that I wasn't used to being around male drunk people quite a bit. Nothing inappropriate happened.
The next morning I received a text from the owner apoligizing for the drunken behavior of him and his friends. I told him it was fine, that nothing inappropriate happened, and that I was perfectly okay. He continued to message me telling me that he didn't know why but it bothered him that I would think of him as some crazy drunk person. I shared all of these texts with my husband, all the while continuing to tell him that everything was okay.
That next week, he continued to message me throughout the week. He would ask me about my life, tell me about his, etc. I was unsure why he was continuing to message me, but I remained friendly. I kept these texts a secret from my husband. This continued for a couple of weeks. He came into my work again, and while we were slow that night, asked if I could do him a favor and drive him to meet up with the other owner, and some of the managers. I did this, again, or so I thought, for the money. I spent the night talking with the other owner and the other managers, and everything was still appropriate. However, when I took him back that night, he kissed me. He was drunk, I was not. I was surprised. I had not expected it at all. He is married also, and at the time, had a pregnant wife. The kiss was cut short as the other owner showed up, and we quickly not wanting to be seen, I left. He immediately called me, telling me how great the night was. That weekend, I was leaving out of town with my husband. I told him he couldn't text me then. We made the rule to not text on the weekends or at nights to not risk getting caught by our spouses.
He continued to text me, and I continued to be distant and unsure of the entire situation. However, I did keep texting back. He would come into my work to see me, and we would have a couple drinks and talk, or we would just sit in his car for an hour or two and just talk and kiss. Nothing more every happened during this time.
We realized that rumours were starting in the workplace as he was seeing me every week, and decided to meet on a different night. We would meet at different places, usually smaller bars away from both of our homes to not risk getting caught. We would drink, flirt, and then we would talk for a while and kiss. He would say how weird it was for him to meet up and 'date' another woman, as he hadn't done this since his wife many years ago.
He would tell me that he liked me, and I would never say it back. He continued to ask me why I was so reserved and wouldn't ever express my feelings. I knew it was because I was developing feelings for this man, dangerous feelings and I didn't want to admit it to myself, let along to him. We continued to meet up for weeks like this. One night he was staying in a hotel in the area because his house was being worked on, and his family had gone out of town until it was finished. He asked me if I wanted to meet at the hotel bar, or if that was too weird for me. With some thought, I said it would be fine. For some stupid reason, sex had never even crossed my mind, it had never been sexual with us. That night started out the same, and the bar closed earlier than we had expected, and so we decided to go to a local bar to get some more drinks. He had his work stuff with him, so asked if it would be okay if we dropped it off in the room first.
We got in the room, and dropped off the computer, and sort of stood there looking at each other for a minute or two. He started kissing me, and suddenly all of my willpower, my plan to never have sex with another man was gone. I wanted to stop it, but then I didn't want to. After we had sex, we layed there for a while, talking. He revealed that he had not been with another woman since before he started dating his wife. He also revealed to me that he had had a similar relationship with another girl before, only that she had pursued him. She had contacted him and they talked for a while. They would drink and kiss at work, but never took it outside anywhere, and never took it to sexual level. That night, I went home to my husband, and I was susprised at the lack of guilt I felt.
The next day I woke up wondering if he had used me for sex, and if I would even hear from him again. He continued to text me. The next night he said he would come see me at work again, and he did, and I left early and this time we went to his house. I only had a few minutes before I was expected to be home from work. We attempted to have sex this time, but he was unable to keep it up, and was unable to finish, which he later attributed to him being nervous about being in his own house with another woman. That night we also discussed what this 'thing' we were doing was. He asked what I wanted out of it, and told me that things in his home life were good, but so were things with us. He wanted both. This was okay with me, as I was married too.
He continued to message me every day but the weekends, and continued to see me. After his family came back, we didn't have as much opportunity for sexual contact, but would still go out and drink. Then, his wife had the baby. I was sure that he was just stressed over having another child, and that he would end contact after the baby was born. This didn't happen. We didn't see each other as much, but he continued to message me on a regular basis.
This went on for a few months, and we went through a period where he seemed busier and I was sure he was done now. He ignored my text in the morning one day, and didn't answer me all day, something that he had never done before. Later that night, he showed up at my work. By the time I got a chance to talk to him, he was drunk, and was hitting on me. I was angry, and avoided him for a while. He asked if we could talk, and then apoligized for not being around as much, that his life was busier with the new baby. We ended up having sex that night in his car.
The next week was our work party, and I drove with him to and back from the party. We were very close and together, and obviously gave all of the other employees some idea of what was going on.
A few days later, he mentioned that he wanted to see me, but he only had a little while. We were going to go for a drink, but somehow never made it for the drink, and again, had sex in his car. This time he forgot to pull out during sex. This is something that I have never even done with my husband, and I am not on any type of birth control. However, it occured the day after my period, so I was worried, but knew that the chances were low. The next month was stressful for both of us, waiting to see. I debated the morning after pill, but it occured right before Christmas, and was with my husband the entire time. Now I began to feel guilty.
A few weeks later, after not seeing him this entire time, but continuing to talk on messaging, he finally showed up at work to see me. I received a text message back from a friend who I had wished a Happy Birthday to earlier in the day, joking about coming to kidnap me so I could come out for his brithday with them. He saw the text, and suddenly got very distant and angry. I had also been having problems with a girl at work, who had showed up that night to start problems. (long story, short), the manager on duty took her side, and I told them I couldn't deal with it anymore, and that I was going home. That night I put in my two week notice with the other owner. While all of this was going on, he was in the building, and I left, and called him time after time. He would not answer me, and when I finally talked to him, told me to go talk to 'person who texted'. He was also angry at me for quitting and not talking to him. He would not come out and talk to me, and so I left. I was so upset that night, and was sure that he was using this as an 'out' because of the possible pregnancy scare. I told him that he could get out, that I realized it was too much for both of us, and that I would take a test the next day, and hopefully we would be in the clear. I had to mask my upset over this as being upset over quitting my job with my husband that night.
He texted me the next day, where I attempted to cut things off. I took a text, which came out negative. I told him that he was free. He begged for me not to do that, and apologized. I told him I needed him to apologize in person. The next week, we met at a local bar, where he apologized, and everything was back to normal. We didn't even sleep together this day.
We met again one more time, this time having sex. He called me after, telling me how he enjoyed seeing me again, and didn't want to wait another week to see me.
His birthday was that week, so we planned on getting a room and spending the day together a few days after his birthday. The day before, he messaged me all day, but when I tried to confirm plans, he wouldnt say anything. I joked that he was trying to bail on me. The next day, I hadn't heard anything all day, and asked him if everything was okay. He responded later, saying it was, but that he had a bad day, and would have to, afterall, cancel our plans. I was upset, and told him that I couldn't continue to meet up for just sex. I told him I was not that type of girl . He asked me to be completely honest with him again, about what I wanted out of this relationship, and we decided to wait and discuss it in person.
The next day he messaged me that he was near my house, and that he wanted to say hi. I asked him to come and pick me up. It was the first time we had been together during the early day, and not really drinking. We discussed going to have lunch, but since we were in my area, we were both nervous about choosing a place to go. We ended up having sex, in plain daylight, in his car. Following sex, I realized that I had done just what I said I didn't want to do anymore. He could tell that something was bothering me, and iniated the conversation. I again, told him the same thing that I had the day before, I didn't want to be just some '*****' that he called to sleep with when he was horny. He said it wasn't about that. He said that I was therapeutic when he saw me, and destressed him. He also said that even if we didn't have sex, that our relationship would stay the same, we would still talk, and hang out.
He then told me how the girl he had told me about previously had texted him on his brithday. I asked him how it went, and he said he ignored her. We got into a discussion about how that had ended, and he told me that he had just stopped talking to her. I told him that was mean, and he said that was how he handled things. This really bothered me, to know that after all of this, that he would just stop talking to me one day, and I wouldn't know when or why when he decided to doit.
I messaged him later in a joking way about this, as it continued to bother me. He said I was twisting his words, and that he never said that he would do this to me.
That weekend, I messaged him once, (although we don't talk on the weekends, we would both occasioally sneak in a few texts to one another). He never answered it. That Monday, he messaged me, but only a few times during the day. By Tuesday, I chose to ignore him, a little hurt and angry, and he messaged me a few texts prying about how my day was going. He then apologized that he had been so busy getting ready to leave for out of town, and that things were stressful as he was so busy. Wednesday, I had some problems with my phone carrier, and hadn't gotten any messages from him all day, so sent him a message that I was switching carriers, and that I would let him know what my phone was back on. I messaged him when it was back on, and got a message later that night saying wtf was all that. I messaged back, bad day, and never heard anything else. The next morning, I got a message asking what had happened the day before. I responded that I was having problems with my carrier, and then asked him how his day was. I never got another response. By night time, I still got nothing, so it is pretty obvious now that he has just stopped texting me and is done. Here we are over 24 hours later, with nothing.
I apologize for the exremely long story, but am mostly posting this for catarsis, as I have kept all of this a secret for so long. I am not even sure I will post it, as I worry that someone will read it that will be able to pick up on some of the small details. But, I am extremely hurt.
I am hurt that I tried to remain guarded, and when he pried and pried for me to open up, and I finally did, that he leaves. I feel as if I was used. I wonder if I can continue to work for him. I wonder how I can get through these 'affair withdrawal' while pretending as if everything is okay with my husband. I wonder if I should tell him. I wonder what is wrong with me, to do this and to not feel guilt, only to feel guilt that he ended it, and to wonder how long and how much furhter I would have let this relationship go had he let it. I wonder if this means that I don't love my husband. I wonder if it means that I love him, or if I love the idea of him..
That night nothing weird happened. I drove them around, drove them home, and everything was fine. The guys all got a little drunk, but nothing that I wasn't used to being around male drunk people quite a bit. Nothing inappropriate happened.
The next morning I received a text from the owner apoligizing for the drunken behavior of him and his friends. I told him it was fine, that nothing inappropriate happened, and that I was perfectly okay. He continued to message me telling me that he didn't know why but it bothered him that I would think of him as some crazy drunk person. I shared all of these texts with my husband, all the while continuing to tell him that everything was okay.
That next week, he continued to message me throughout the week. He would ask me about my life, tell me about his, etc. I was unsure why he was continuing to message me, but I remained friendly. I kept these texts a secret from my husband. This continued for a couple of weeks. He came into my work again, and while we were slow that night, asked if I could do him a favor and drive him to meet up with the other owner, and some of the managers. I did this, again, or so I thought, for the money. I spent the night talking with the other owner and the other managers, and everything was still appropriate. However, when I took him back that night, he kissed me. He was drunk, I was not. I was surprised. I had not expected it at all. He is married also, and at the time, had a pregnant wife. The kiss was cut short as the other owner showed up, and we quickly not wanting to be seen, I left. He immediately called me, telling me how great the night was. That weekend, I was leaving out of town with my husband. I told him he couldn't text me then. We made the rule to not text on the weekends or at nights to not risk getting caught by our spouses.
He continued to text me, and I continued to be distant and unsure of the entire situation. However, I did keep texting back. He would come into my work to see me, and we would have a couple drinks and talk, or we would just sit in his car for an hour or two and just talk and kiss. Nothing more every happened during this time.
We realized that rumours were starting in the workplace as he was seeing me every week, and decided to meet on a different night. We would meet at different places, usually smaller bars away from both of our homes to not risk getting caught. We would drink, flirt, and then we would talk for a while and kiss. He would say how weird it was for him to meet up and 'date' another woman, as he hadn't done this since his wife many years ago.
He would tell me that he liked me, and I would never say it back. He continued to ask me why I was so reserved and wouldn't ever express my feelings. I knew it was because I was developing feelings for this man, dangerous feelings and I didn't want to admit it to myself, let along to him. We continued to meet up for weeks like this. One night he was staying in a hotel in the area because his house was being worked on, and his family had gone out of town until it was finished. He asked me if I wanted to meet at the hotel bar, or if that was too weird for me. With some thought, I said it would be fine. For some stupid reason, sex had never even crossed my mind, it had never been sexual with us. That night started out the same, and the bar closed earlier than we had expected, and so we decided to go to a local bar to get some more drinks. He had his work stuff with him, so asked if it would be okay if we dropped it off in the room first.
We got in the room, and dropped off the computer, and sort of stood there looking at each other for a minute or two. He started kissing me, and suddenly all of my willpower, my plan to never have sex with another man was gone. I wanted to stop it, but then I didn't want to. After we had sex, we layed there for a while, talking. He revealed that he had not been with another woman since before he started dating his wife. He also revealed to me that he had had a similar relationship with another girl before, only that she had pursued him. She had contacted him and they talked for a while. They would drink and kiss at work, but never took it outside anywhere, and never took it to sexual level. That night, I went home to my husband, and I was susprised at the lack of guilt I felt.
The next day I woke up wondering if he had used me for sex, and if I would even hear from him again. He continued to text me. The next night he said he would come see me at work again, and he did, and I left early and this time we went to his house. I only had a few minutes before I was expected to be home from work. We attempted to have sex this time, but he was unable to keep it up, and was unable to finish, which he later attributed to him being nervous about being in his own house with another woman. That night we also discussed what this 'thing' we were doing was. He asked what I wanted out of it, and told me that things in his home life were good, but so were things with us. He wanted both. This was okay with me, as I was married too.
He continued to message me every day but the weekends, and continued to see me. After his family came back, we didn't have as much opportunity for sexual contact, but would still go out and drink. Then, his wife had the baby. I was sure that he was just stressed over having another child, and that he would end contact after the baby was born. This didn't happen. We didn't see each other as much, but he continued to message me on a regular basis.
This went on for a few months, and we went through a period where he seemed busier and I was sure he was done now. He ignored my text in the morning one day, and didn't answer me all day, something that he had never done before. Later that night, he showed up at my work. By the time I got a chance to talk to him, he was drunk, and was hitting on me. I was angry, and avoided him for a while. He asked if we could talk, and then apoligized for not being around as much, that his life was busier with the new baby. We ended up having sex that night in his car.
The next week was our work party, and I drove with him to and back from the party. We were very close and together, and obviously gave all of the other employees some idea of what was going on.
A few days later, he mentioned that he wanted to see me, but he only had a little while. We were going to go for a drink, but somehow never made it for the drink, and again, had sex in his car. This time he forgot to pull out during sex. This is something that I have never even done with my husband, and I am not on any type of birth control. However, it occured the day after my period, so I was worried, but knew that the chances were low. The next month was stressful for both of us, waiting to see. I debated the morning after pill, but it occured right before Christmas, and was with my husband the entire time. Now I began to feel guilty.
A few weeks later, after not seeing him this entire time, but continuing to talk on messaging, he finally showed up at work to see me. I received a text message back from a friend who I had wished a Happy Birthday to earlier in the day, joking about coming to kidnap me so I could come out for his brithday with them. He saw the text, and suddenly got very distant and angry. I had also been having problems with a girl at work, who had showed up that night to start problems. (long story, short), the manager on duty took her side, and I told them I couldn't deal with it anymore, and that I was going home. That night I put in my two week notice with the other owner. While all of this was going on, he was in the building, and I left, and called him time after time. He would not answer me, and when I finally talked to him, told me to go talk to 'person who texted'. He was also angry at me for quitting and not talking to him. He would not come out and talk to me, and so I left. I was so upset that night, and was sure that he was using this as an 'out' because of the possible pregnancy scare. I told him that he could get out, that I realized it was too much for both of us, and that I would take a test the next day, and hopefully we would be in the clear. I had to mask my upset over this as being upset over quitting my job with my husband that night.
He texted me the next day, where I attempted to cut things off. I took a text, which came out negative. I told him that he was free. He begged for me not to do that, and apologized. I told him I needed him to apologize in person. The next week, we met at a local bar, where he apologized, and everything was back to normal. We didn't even sleep together this day.
We met again one more time, this time having sex. He called me after, telling me how he enjoyed seeing me again, and didn't want to wait another week to see me.
His birthday was that week, so we planned on getting a room and spending the day together a few days after his birthday. The day before, he messaged me all day, but when I tried to confirm plans, he wouldnt say anything. I joked that he was trying to bail on me. The next day, I hadn't heard anything all day, and asked him if everything was okay. He responded later, saying it was, but that he had a bad day, and would have to, afterall, cancel our plans. I was upset, and told him that I couldn't continue to meet up for just sex. I told him I was not that type of girl . He asked me to be completely honest with him again, about what I wanted out of this relationship, and we decided to wait and discuss it in person.
The next day he messaged me that he was near my house, and that he wanted to say hi. I asked him to come and pick me up. It was the first time we had been together during the early day, and not really drinking. We discussed going to have lunch, but since we were in my area, we were both nervous about choosing a place to go. We ended up having sex, in plain daylight, in his car. Following sex, I realized that I had done just what I said I didn't want to do anymore. He could tell that something was bothering me, and iniated the conversation. I again, told him the same thing that I had the day before, I didn't want to be just some '*****' that he called to sleep with when he was horny. He said it wasn't about that. He said that I was therapeutic when he saw me, and destressed him. He also said that even if we didn't have sex, that our relationship would stay the same, we would still talk, and hang out.
He then told me how the girl he had told me about previously had texted him on his brithday. I asked him how it went, and he said he ignored her. We got into a discussion about how that had ended, and he told me that he had just stopped talking to her. I told him that was mean, and he said that was how he handled things. This really bothered me, to know that after all of this, that he would just stop talking to me one day, and I wouldn't know when or why when he decided to doit.
I messaged him later in a joking way about this, as it continued to bother me. He said I was twisting his words, and that he never said that he would do this to me.
That weekend, I messaged him once, (although we don't talk on the weekends, we would both occasioally sneak in a few texts to one another). He never answered it. That Monday, he messaged me, but only a few times during the day. By Tuesday, I chose to ignore him, a little hurt and angry, and he messaged me a few texts prying about how my day was going. He then apologized that he had been so busy getting ready to leave for out of town, and that things were stressful as he was so busy. Wednesday, I had some problems with my phone carrier, and hadn't gotten any messages from him all day, so sent him a message that I was switching carriers, and that I would let him know what my phone was back on. I messaged him when it was back on, and got a message later that night saying wtf was all that. I messaged back, bad day, and never heard anything else. The next morning, I got a message asking what had happened the day before. I responded that I was having problems with my carrier, and then asked him how his day was. I never got another response. By night time, I still got nothing, so it is pretty obvious now that he has just stopped texting me and is done. Here we are over 24 hours later, with nothing.
I apologize for the exremely long story, but am mostly posting this for catarsis, as I have kept all of this a secret for so long. I am not even sure I will post it, as I worry that someone will read it that will be able to pick up on some of the small details. But, I am extremely hurt.
I am hurt that I tried to remain guarded, and when he pried and pried for me to open up, and I finally did, that he leaves. I feel as if I was used. I wonder if I can continue to work for him. I wonder how I can get through these 'affair withdrawal' while pretending as if everything is okay with my husband. I wonder if I should tell him. I wonder what is wrong with me, to do this and to not feel guilt, only to feel guilt that he ended it, and to wonder how long and how much furhter I would have let this relationship go had he let it. I wonder if this means that I don't love my husband. I wonder if it means that I love him, or if I love the idea of him..
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