A Child Born From Sin

This is not a complete story of me having an affair but what affair caused.
I am the by-product of an affair and this is my story

From the perspective of the average person, I look like a regular guy attending his first year of college.; I have a lot of friends, I have a family and I have my music (I'm a music performance major in college.) Behind the image of the regular guy is a history of abuse, neglect, abandonment and sin. At the moment I am 18 years old attending a local university as a freshman undergrad, the past month has dramatically changed my life and it all started with the truth about my birth. My childhood can best be described as a cycle of abuse and neglect; I grew with my mother and my half-sister, my mother was a major alcoholic who spent every night drinking infront of me since I was a young child, whenever something went wrong in her life she had to take it out on me and make me suffer with her. When I was 10 years old my mother lost her job and started taking me to bars with her, I stood there watching her drink and drink till she couldn't anymore, there were many times where I would leave the bar and just sit outside crying my eyes out for hours; unfortunately this wasn't my first exposure to her abuse with alcohol, when I was 6 years old my mother called a few of my family members who were drinking and asked them to "beat" the retard out of me because I had trouble talking and reading, that night I was beaten with beer bottles and burned with cigarettes while my mother watched and tell my family members to beat me harder. No matter what I will always see my mother as a worthless drunk, her way of dealing with stress was drinking and beating me while in a drunken stature; aside of that, there is also my sister who I without a doubt believe suffers from a mental illness. My sister suffered a horrific childhood like I did but instead of helping me escape that she made it her mission to make sure that I suffer a worse childhood than hers; my sister would come home everyday and verbally abuse from night to day, my sister spent my childhood trying to make me "understand" that i was a slow, retarded, worthless piece of s**t, she even went as far as to threaten to stab me not too long ago. I apologize for this volumous rant of my childhood and running away from the unanswered question of "the truth of my birth," a month ago (right before christmas) my father (who I met when I was 8 and was barely in my childhood) told me the truth of how I was conceived; when I was conceived my father was married to another woman and my mother was my father's mistress. I was a child born from an affair...
My whole I had these questions about why my father was never there and why my father's family always acted strange to me, and now I knew why...
To this day I do not believe that my father considers me his son, I believe that he see's me as his bastard child and nothing more...
The worse part of this was a wanting I've had ever since I was young boy, to want to develop a strong relationship with my paternal side of the family. Even though I always got the sense that I was different when I was around my half-siblings ( from my dad's side, of course,) it was with them that I actually felt like I was part of a family...
it was with them that I felt like I was cared about...
it was with them that I felt like I mattered for the first time in my life....
it was with my older brother that I finally felt like a family member truly cared about me and felt concern over me...
In my 18 years of life I have never felt any love or warmth from anyone in my family until a month ago with one of my older brothers, but with the knowledge that my father has given me after the fact, I feel like its all been a big lie and so, I have chosen to abandon them all and turn my back on them and my past

My last words to them (except my older brother) will be, " You will never see my face again, I am leaving all the lies and the nonsense that has been on my shoulders since birth. Just because I was born from sin(adultery) doesn't mean that I'm worthless or meant to fail, goodbye to all of you. Love, the bastard child

My last words to my brother will be, " Thank you brother, for finally bringing me a smile to my face when no one else could. You showed me care and warmth where no one else would and for that I thank you. I love you big brother - Junior Junior
Cerorizo Cerorizo
18-21, M
4 Responses Feb 18, 2013

You are a very strong young man. You will make something out of yourself because you are smart and I hope that from your experiences you learn from them and do not let history repeat itself because nobody deserves to go what you went through. I hope your future is bright and full of everything you did not have before.

Wow! I'm sorry you had such a hard childhood! It must have been hard to learn the truth. At least you have friends now and you had that amazing brother! You're really turning your life around and making a future for yourself! I wish you the best and I'm sure that a great life is just ahead!

Your strong, I'm 17 and no where near. I had a brake down 3 years ago and for some reasons because of it I've forgotten how I've felt, the hatred and everything my family had put me through from as long as I could remember. I've always questioned whether forgetting the past was a good thing, and came up with the conclusion that, life's not worth forgetting because it makes up of who you really are. I'm glad for you to be able to move on in the future with all those. I won't be able to. I always ended up emotionally drained.. But I'm a lot better now since all my family members on both sides left us including my father....

When you possibly can, message me, I like to talk to you one-on-one

Success is the best revenge.
Hang in there, graduate college and make something of your life.
Your mother is mentally ill and your sister is too as a result of her environment.
You don't have to socialize them, but please forgive them in your prayers.
You will feel better for it. And you will know you have done the right thing.
Good luck.

Forgiveness is not something I wish to do at the moment, perhaps in the future I may forgive but for now I want nothing to do with them