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I Had An Affair

I am in a similar position.  I am young and so is my husband.  We both are EXCELLENT companions.  However, sex and passion on my end has always been lacking.  He has never complained, but I have always expressed my need for more sex.  I love him very much, but since we have not been very intimate, I now don't think I see him as romantically anymore.  It makes me sad, because I had such hopes for our marriage.  I had an affair and now am  in love with him.  He is evrything I have been looking for, but feel immense guilt and have not left my husband and ended the affair.  My lover and I have reconnected after six months and want to get together, but am not sure if I should.  I dont know what to do.  In one year, I have had sex twice and previous to that maybe like 6 times.  I want to feel loved and desired, but dont.  My husband loves me, but is not passionate.  He travels a lot and financial security is very important to him.  I really just want intimacy and would give a very modest life for that.  I dont need the material gains.  What should I do.  I have recently been offered a position out of the country where I can reunite with my lover, but am getting cold feet. I dont want a marriage where I feel I have to have affairs to feel fulfilled.  I am afraid that is what will happen.  I feel fulfilled with my lover, but guilt for feeling so good.  PLEASE HELP.  A decision must be made.  I can choose to stay with my husband and hope we can gain some passion. Or leave the country and start fresh with someone I love and share values and passion with.

queenofcups queenofcups 26-30 5 Responses Feb 5, 2009

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It sounds to me like you still REALLY love your husband but your just getting fustrated with the lack of intimacy and sex in your marriage. Before you move ahead with this job and this lover I would have a serious talk with your husband and lay all the cards on the table and tell him how much you love him but you don't feel the same thing coming from him. Let him know that you want to keep the marriage going but if things don't change from the way they are now you don't see how that can be. Don't let your judgement get clouded from the emotions and lust your experiencing right now or else your always going to regret it.

I think you are right in that I loved my husband. However, much time has passed and many lessons learned since I wrote this (3 years ago). My lover came to my house one day and tolld my husband everything. He even showed pictures. We were trying to work it out, but my husband was also getting involved with someone else. We wound up divorcing. We still love eachother very much, but it has become platonic. We share a house. He moved to another country. I dumped the lover and moved on. I am now recently remarried to someone else and my ex-husband is in a serious relationship with someone else. There were aspects of that relationship that I miss, but my new relationship is one of more intimacy and he is really a great guy. Tis is life. I am greatful we still are in contact and remain friends.

I hope you learned something from your first marriage in that communication is the only thing that keeps marriages healthy PERIOD. Back when I used to talk to couples as a therapist the #1 reason that affairs began in the first place was because of the lack of communication. I hope you have alot better luck with this the 2nd time around.

What has been the outcome? Are you still with your husband? What about the lover?

I think you are right in that I loved my husband. However, much time has passed and many lessons learned since I wrote this (3 years ago). My lover came to my house one day and tolld my husband everything. He even showed pictures. We were trying to work it out, but my husband was also getting involved with someone else. We wound up divorcing. We still love eachother very much, but it has become platonic. We share a house. He moved to another country. I dumped the lover and moved on. I am now recently remarried to someone else and my ex-husband is in a serious relationship with someone else. There were aspects of that relationship that I miss, but my new relationship is one of more intimacy and he is really a great guy. Tis is life. I am greatful we still are in contact and remain friends.

Thanks for your reply! I know the stamp said 3years ago and I was curious about the current outcome. I can totally relate about the lack of intimacy, but it does seem that both were similar pages but lack of communication. That's the problem in most marriages, it's pretty common. Congrats on your remarriage!

One word....<br />
VIAGRA!

If you decide to leave ur husband my advice is not to move in with ur lover immediately. There is a huge emotional rush being with a lover when ur already in a relatinship and that can cloud ur judgement. If it's possible u need time on ur own to fgiure out what it is u want. whatever u need to discuss this with ur husband. Maybe he doesn't realise he is not being passionate.

If I were in your situation I would make two lists. On one list, write your husbands name at the top of the page, underneath that make two columns-one being the positives you recieve from the relationship and the other column being the negatives. Make the other list for your lover and compare the two. Forget about being guilty because thats just going to get in the way of making your decision. I also think that you should definitely talk about ALL of this with your husband because in the end, your going to have to tell him your decision if you decide to leave him AND if you decide to stay and continue the relationship in a healthy, trusting manner you're going to have to tell him about your infidelity. You definitely need to speak with your husband and just lay all the cards out on the table because otherwise it'll be too late and you wont be able to salvage anything.