Married to the Perfect Man But It Wasn't Enough
I'm a 37 year old married women with 2 kids and two years ago I had an affair. If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I would ever think about cheating, I would have told you absolutely not! But here I am.
I've been married for almost 9 years, with my husband for 11. I can't say exactly when my feelings started to "change" but it seems it was pretty early on. I started noticing that I would get irritated when he could come home early from school or work. Why? ....because I didn't want to share my time with him, that's why. I'm married to my best friend and that's it. Sex with my husband is unfulfilling, in fact the thought of it makes me twinge a little. Out of all the years we've been together I think I've been "satisfied" maybe 4 times...not a great track record.
The affair....It was April of 07 and I went out with some girlfriends and met this guy, a friend of a friend. We chit-chatted for a while. I even told him I was married with two kids. I'm not really sure what happened (honest!) I might have had the wrong mixture of alcohol, but by the end of the night I was rubbing on his leg and dancing very, very close on the dance floor. Close enough to feel how much he like me! This was completely out of character for me. I had never, ever been like this to another man in the years I've been with my husband.
Eventually I made it home and when I woke in the morning, I remember my first thoughts were " I have to see him again ", but then reality hit and I remembered that I was married with kids, what was I thinking! What was I doing! I knew where my "new friend" lived so I would completely avoid his street, because I felt so guilty and dirty about what I had done. That lasted for a couple of weeks, I couldn't keep my mind off of him. I fought the urge to call, but eventually caved in.
It started with secret meetings, even if it was for only a few minutes on my way home from the grocery store. My husband had moved out of the area to take a new job. I had actually convinced him to go ahead and leave us behind so we could spend the summer where we were and so I could spend as much time with my new friend as possible.
We became intimate a few months after we met, at first it was hard for me, because in my mind I new it was wrong. But I fell in love with him and he made me feel so good. He satisfied me like no one my entire life had. He was always respectful to my situation, always. I never felt once that he would do something that would result in my being hurt. We didn't discuss our affair with anyone, it was ours.
Eventually I moved to be with my husband. My friend and I continued to text and talk on the phone and even came to visit a few months later. In retrospect it was bitter sweet, because it's the last time I've seen him. Although we don't communicate, I think about him and fantasize about him almost daily. I've tried to get in contact with him recently because it's still so hard to be without him, but either he's moved on or trying to protect me. I'm not sure which.
I'm trying to do the right thing by my friend, my husband and myself, but I feel tortured everyday. I miss him.