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Married to the Perfect Man But It Wasn't Enough

I'm a  37 year old married women with 2 kids and two years ago I had an affair.  If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I would ever think about cheating, I would have told you absolutely not!  But here I am.

I've been married for almost 9 years, with my husband for 11.  I can't say exactly when my feelings started to "change" but it seems it was pretty early on.  I started noticing that I would get irritated when he could come home early from school or work.  Why?  ....because I didn't want to share my time with him, that's why.  I'm married to my best friend and that's it.  Sex with my husband is unfulfilling, in fact the thought of it makes me twinge a little.  Out of all the years we've been together I think I've been "satisfied" maybe 4 times...not a great track record.

The affair....It was April of 07 and I went out with some girlfriends and met this guy, a friend of a friend.  We chit-chatted for a while. I even told him I was married with two kids.  I'm not really sure what happened (honest!) I might have had the wrong mixture of alcohol, but by the end of the night I was rubbing on his leg and dancing very, very close on the dance floor.  Close enough to feel how much he like me!  This was completely out of character for me.  I had never, ever been like this to another man in the years I've been with my husband.

Eventually I made it home and when I woke in the morning, I remember my first thoughts were " I have to see him again ", but then reality hit and I remembered that I was married with kids, what was I thinking!  What was I doing!  I knew where my "new friend" lived so I would completely avoid his street, because I felt so guilty and dirty about what I had done.  That lasted for a couple of weeks, I couldn't keep my mind off of him.  I fought the urge to call, but eventually caved in.

It started with secret meetings, even if it was for only a few minutes on my way home from the grocery store.  My husband had moved out of the area to take a new job.  I had actually convinced him to go ahead and leave us behind so we could spend the summer where we were and so I could spend as much time with my new friend as possible. 

We became intimate a few months after we met, at first it was hard for me, because in my mind I new it was wrong.  But I fell in love with him and he made me feel so good. He satisfied me like no one my entire life had. He was always respectful to my situation, always.  I never felt once that he would do something that would result in my being hurt.  We didn't discuss our affair with anyone, it was ours.

Eventually I moved to be with my husband.  My friend and I continued to text and talk on the phone and even came to visit a few months later.  In retrospect it was bitter sweet, because it's the last time I've seen him.  Although we don't communicate, I think about him and fantasize about him almost daily.  I've tried to get in contact with him recently because it's still so hard to be without him, but either he's moved on or trying to protect me.  I'm not sure which.

I'm trying to do the right thing by my friend, my husband and myself, but I feel tortured everyday.  I miss him.

underthesamebluesky underthesamebluesky 36-40, F 21 Responses Feb 19, 2009

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You are such a *****...you come across like a victim here, you should be ashamed. Why are you still with your husband now? you like his money and you like your friends ****....*****! face your husband!!!

I had it done to me, its 18 month ago now and i am deeply depressed and feel so worthless as a result of his affair that. He tried to say meant nothing. Its me who actually meant nothing as within 35 minutes of me. Going into hospital for major surgery he was at it with mistress.

This is awful. You've cheated on your husband and all you're concerned about is that you "feel tortured everyday". You are completely selfish and unworthy of a decent man. I hope your husband ditches you for a woman who appreciates him.

Wow, what a compassionate response.

Find a compatible mate and go with him.

YOU ARE A ******* ****, I HOPE YOU ******* DIE. YOUR WONDERFUL HUSBAND MADE A HUGE MISTAKE AND I HOPE HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH AND LEAVES YOUR **** *** SOON.

Wow! Forgiveness isn't in your heart is it?
If it were up to you I'll bet you would put a bullet in her head. GOD help you if you ever sin.

Are you a robot? And God said that a woman who behaves like this deserves a bullet in her head -- read Leviticus 20:10.

You pious prig.

I couldnt agree more

I'm sure you are perfect, so we should all listen tou you. What a young dumb ***!!!

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i have a similar situation, my husband, whom i adore, is terrible in bed. he has a small penis, and premature ejackulation. I really cant even feel him penatrate me. Sex is awful and he wants me all the time. Most of the time i just lay there until he's done. fortunately it only takes a few seconds, and i immediately go and clean up. recently i, had an affair with a friend i met through my kids school. he is also married, but we seem to find a way to see each other. he is much bigger and has great stamina. I am totally satisfied we get together. the great this is that he is happily married and i can stay with my husband. i just have to put up with his inadequate and sickening love making. but it important that we stay together.

I wondered whether you were a troll after reading this, but seeing your other comments, I don't think you are, sadly: it seems that you really are such a selfish, shameless whorish piece of trash. You will burn in Hell if you continue doing this -- yet you seem quite happy about it. It's sad that there are men married to women like you, rather than being married to a real woman who would love them for what they are, rather than abusing them as you do.

Because WTFJ women are just as guilty as the men they accuse of wanting their cake and eat it to. They want the security they know they have with their husbands and family but they also want the excitement and the lust they get from their lover to. Most women wether they admit it or not convice themselves that their in love with this other guy because in their mind it makes the guilt a little less(jsut a little though). And I know a little of what I speak because I used to provide therapy for couples and solo counseling for a living.

Your husband deserves a better partner than a lying,cheating whoreSlut like You.I dont understand U women...If U really loved this new Boyfriend why din U leave ur husband and settle down wid him?? aahh wait.. U needed ur husbands money right?? Have one guy on the side for sex and use ur husband for his money!! U dont really Love anyone...U just know how to use people for ur own selfish needs!! I hope ur children grow up 2 see their mother for wat she really is....Human Trash who plays wid people's feelings!! Go Rot in Hell!!

Wow! Forgiveness isn't in your heart is it?
If it were up to you I'll bet you would put a bullet in her head. GOD help you if you ever sin.

You are a robot, aren't you?

I knew it...

You also!!!

Please read the book "Women Infidelity" What you are feeling is passion not love, love takes a long time. You are probably in 1 of this 4 stages. I not selling this book you can download online in pdf and then you will understand.<br />
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<br />
Stage 1<br />
<br />
Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.<br />
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<br />
Stage 2<br />
<br />
Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.<br />
Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Stage 3<br />
<br />
Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.<br />
These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.<br />
Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.<br />
The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”<br />
Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.<br />
Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Stage 4<br />
The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.<br />
The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

Hi underthesamebluesky,<br />
<br />
Great post and very honest. I won't disclose my profession, but let's just say I'm in a position to pick and choose from a bevy of beautiful women every year. In eighteen years I never touched one of them. Six months ago, however, a woman who came under my tutelage quite simply blew the doors off my marriage. She was older than most, about your age, and also married with children. I'd been married for twelve years and up to the day I met this woman, I was perfectly cool with my sexless marriage. It's simple biochemistry - pheromones flash when you first meet and then they die out like the cooling coals of what once was a roaring fire.<br />
<br />
I never wanted to be one of those guys who fools around on their wives. My Dad did it, most of my friends have done it, and athletes, actors, and musicians, well, you know the story.<br />
<br />
The first time our eyes met we knew instantly that something would happen. Over the next few months we flirted deliciously without ever touching or even intimating a sexual advance. All the while, though, the attraction was so palpable we could feel the connection between us drawing us closer.<br />
<br />
On the last night of our professional association we accompanied a larger group to a bar for drinks and dancing. We got smashed, danced, grinded, and when most of the others had left we went to a hotel and fell into each other's arms. We couldn't get our clothes off fast enough. She was sexy, alluring, and without fail the most passionate lover I've ever encountered. After hours of exploring each other's most intimate fantasies, we parted in the morning. She went back to her husband and I returned to my wife. We haven't seen each other since that night, but we have traded emails periodically. Will I see her again? Doubtful. We fell in love that night because we found in each other what we'd desperately been seeking, a renewed sense of romance, something that had left our respective marriages long ago.<br />
<br />
As others have said, my wife is my best friend, but we drifted apart sexually, as most couples do. My heart belongs to this other woman now, and most likely will for the rest of my life. I love her with all my heart and miss her terribly.

After I read your story, Halfofmeleft, I felt like you are very similar to my husband and I wanted to get your opinion. My husband and I have barely had sex for the thirteen years we've been married. He always had some excuse and when we did have sex, it was mainly about him. Of course, it was not like that in the beginning. I have to say, though, that I did not mind because he was a drunk and gained a ton of weight and had a big, fat belly. But I stilled loved him and we got along well. I had many opportunities to have sex with other men but did not because he always told me he would never cheat, that his vows were the most important thing to him because it was so hard for a man to keep. His father cheated on his mother and it caused a great deal of pain for him as a young man and still to this day, it sometimes bothers him. But like you, he eventually ended up having an affair. He lied about it and is still lying about it. He told me he was "attracted" to a couple of women. But it didn't sit right with me. He told me just enough to get me thinking. Then said he could not tell me who she was because she had three small children and he did not want what happened to him to happen to them. Anyway, I was able to piece things together and after having a conversation with his brother, I was convinced I was right. I was able to confirm what I knew. After that, it was easy to find her name and so I googled her. I saw her with her three darling angels. You know the children he was trying to protect? Anyway, I confronted him with this and he asks for proof of what I know. Even after all of that, he still wanted to lie about the relationship. He said he did not have sex with her but after thinking about this some more, I realize he was lying. He would not have fallen so deeply for this woman had he not had sex with her. Anyway, he has had sex with me a few times since that time but now I am upset because he told me he didn't have sex with her. Now I will have to see a doctor to make sure I don't have anything. He had to get some ***** pills in order to have sex with me, so I am guessing he's not really attracted to me anymore. I noticed on his computer he had all these website with large breasted blond women and the woman he cheated on me with had blond hair too. I am, by the way, a very attractive woman with long dark brown hair who has always kept in shape and continue to have opportunities to have sex with men. I did not act on them because I am married. I just believed him when he said he would be keeping his marriage vows. Now he wants to go to marriage counseling. I don't even know why he wants to go to marriage counseling. He sounds just like you, Halfofmeleft. Why would you want to stay with your wife after all that? After the best sex and the greatest love of your life, why don't you leave her? It would be helpful because he tells me I should talk to other men about this. I did talk to one guy and his response was this: "Well, hell, I'll have sex with you!" So that didn't really help me understand. Can you explain this to me? I really need some guidance.

I had an afair that lasted two years and it was great the sex part. That was the only thing that was outof site. She just squirted and moaned and just left the sheets all wet so she was not faking it. I just loved it because she was flexible and i could bend her sexy legs all the way to her ears and **** her hard, which I had never done before. I do not know how i could last long long time to ***, that she would get upset that i took to longt to ***. I just kept making her ***. She told me that i new all her buttons, becuase she would always get satisfied which i never did with my wife. I have a great marriage EXCEPT FOR THE sex part. I still fantizied about her because i have not had sex in more than threee years. So what I so is ********** a lot when I shower. I want to have the same sex with my wife but it does not work. So I understand your situation. I STILL MISS HER BECAUSE WE HAD SEX OUT OF THIS WORLD.

If your wife refuses to have sex with you, then that is a serious problem --- but the answer is not to go out and have an affair. What's wrong with people these days?

I am no judge, but you guys make me very upset...just divorce your spouse if you want to continue to have to have an affair..wife has had an affair, not because she wasnt pleased sexually, but because she wanted something different, she no longer sees this man....only because he is overseas but....but dont stay for the sake of your children, it makes me so upset to hear that because of sex people take a chance at destroying the other persons life...I am in constant pain at this point and I really don't know if I can/will stay in this marriage...but looking at it from my point of view just leave...if you guys get caught, it will cause the one you say you love pain beyond anything you can think of.

I think that WE ALL take our current spouses and marraiges for granted. I just recently ended an affair, and I constantly have to remind myself what I have to lose. You stand to lose your Children's respect, home, and "best friend" and more! <br />
<br />
Lovers are like hotel rooms. It is so great when you check into that hotel and everything is taken care of for you. Room service, clean sheets everyday, everything taken care of for you. But about after 3 or 4 days, your ready to get back home. <br />
<br />
Just think about if that home was not there for you!<br />
<br />
When you are ending the affair, just try to visualize losing your spouse. I guarantee that losing a spouse would be far far more heartful. <br />
<br />
If you are unsure of this, go visit some divorce forums. These guys are far far worse off then we are people!

underthesamebluesky, i totally get it. my husband is my best friend, but he is a roommate to me at best. we've tried therapy, medication...and 15 months later, still no sex. i can't believe i went there and cheated on him; i never dreamed it would happen.

I completely understand. I'm having an affair with my married ex-boyfriend, simply because my current relationship is sexually stagnant. I love my current boyfriend deeply - he is the best friend I've ever had. But the sexual attraction isn't there. My ex, on the other hand, arouses me in ways I'd completely forgotten about all of these years. I still love with my ex, too - but realize that he'll never be the right "person of a lifetime" for me. <br />
<br />
I know that something will break eventually, and I'll have to say goodbye to one, or both. In my mind, it will probably be my ex - and I know it will hurt to let go of someone who has reawakened a part of myself I'd lost long ago. I know life isn't about getting everything you want...but I never thought I'd be torn between two men in this way, with no chance of complete fulfillment in either case.

"I never thought I'd be torn between two men in this way, with no chance of complete fulfillment in either case"

...The voice of selfishness once again. Don't men and women *care* about their spouses anymore?

ur story is exactly how i feel!! oh my gosh!! i havent had an affair, but im also stuck, for my kids sake, and beacuase im a coward, im only 26 and attractive, eduucated etc (if i do say so myself! :P) but im wasting my happiness....

Another selfish would-be cheat. Think about your husband, dearie...

Tinker Dill... in your post you said....'Right now, my MM's wife knows about us. I was not his first affair, but I will be his last.' I am not here to dispute that one. I am beginning to think that people are capable of doing what they feel they need to do. I guess what I am saying is do not set yourself up for heartach and disappointment. He is human. He has before. Will he again?

Wow. Interesting post and comments. Let me introduce myself. I am the Other Woman in an affair similar to what MyOtherLife describes, whose lover is in the process of leaving his wife for me. Let me be a 'voice from the other side' if you will.<br />
<br />
Those of you who are married to your 'best friend' but have unfulfilling sex lives need to address that with each other and with counseling for yourselves if your spouses don't agee to couples counseling. There are ways to bring the magic back into a relationship if your spouse is truly still your best friend.<br />
<br />
Right now, my MM's wife knows about us. I was not his first affair, but I will be his last. The interesting/ironic thing is that if he didn't love me as much as he does, if we weren't so right for each other, his affair and subsequent declaration of intent to leave would've have corrected this marriage to a point where he maybe could've been happy enough to stay. He and his wife have been talking more honestly in the last 6 weeks than for the last 30 years of their marriage. It's been amazing to hear him say what her interpretation of the marriage has been. NOT the way he saw it at all. But they are talking (yes, and screaming and yelling) and if he wasn't in love with me, he would be in couples therapy right now trying to learn how to get back in tune with his wife who kept him in a sexless marriage for most of their 39 year marriage.<br />
<br />
MyOtherLife, you use a phrase that my lover uses frequently to and about me, "I can't imagine her not being there for me." So I ask you. What are you doing to keep her there? Are you going to divorce your wife and marry your lover? Or are you somehow imagining she will stay there for you. You don't mention whether she's single or married, but if she's single do you think it's fair to only give her half of you? If she's married, are you prepared to have two families implode?<br />
<br />
I, obviously, will not judge those who have affairs. But if you're regretting your affairs, there is a book you might find helpful, "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. In it you will receive permission not to reveal your affair to your partner but how to rebuild your relationships. Perhaps some of you may find it appropriate to your situations.<br />
<br />
Good luck to all of us!

:) Posting info about your husband like that will send some women into overdrive and you wont have him around to worry about. :) Just teasing with you. I do not think you are crazy. I married my best friend too. I always wanted to have an affair but never did. But a couple of years ago our life hit a really hard point and husband and I lost some of what we had in our relationship. I found comfort in another man. I fell in love with this man. This was about a year ago. I never had sex with this man but wanted to and sometimes still do. He lives in anohter city. I do not speak to him anymore. But I miss him dearly. I still love him. I felt my husband deserved what I did. But now I feel like I still want to have other "friends" I met someone new. We have not met in person. I am not in love with this man but I enjoy him. It is different with my husband. My husband is my best friend. We have a family and a job to do in raising them. But as far as a lover's relationship, we do not have that.

It does feel better to get it off my chest! And I do keep my kids in the forefront, that's why I'm still married. They deserve to grow up with both parents, but at the same time is it fair to let them see how unhappy their mother is. Although I try hard not to, I show my dissatisfaction with my life frequently. <br />
<br />
I must be crazy, but I think about having that closeness with someone else. Another affair? It would be stupid, but I would be lying if I said I don't think about it. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy or that I'm broken somehow. I'm married to a man who is a loving husband, a great dad, sensitive to my needs and wants, cleans, does laundry, works out and has a great body and makes over 6 figures...uh, what's my problem?!?!

" I'm married to a man who is a loving husband, a great dad, sensitive to my needs and wants, cleans, does laundry, works out and has a great body and makes over 6 figures...uh, what's my problem?!?!"

In a word, *you*.

What on earth happened to love? Faithfulness? ...Even shame?

What a world.

In my opinion, it took a lot of balls to be able to finally get it off your chest, however, just always keep your interest in mind for the little ones :)