My affair began due to a long distance relationship. I had been dating my boyfriend for 2 years prior to moving 6,000 miles away for a job. The job was only supposed to be for one year, but ended up getting extended to 2 years. At the end of the first year, I felt like things were deteriorating in my relationship. With a 6 hour time difference and busy schedules I felt very disconnected. I had a friend who had always had feelings for me and one night we ended up going out and having a bit too much to drink and he came home with me. We never had sex, but we did make out. This happened 2 more times and I went home for the summer right after. I never told my boyfriend. I felt terrible last summer to the point where I went on anti-depressants. I couldn't believe that I had done something like this to my boyfriend and vowed never to do it again. However, around the same period this past year, the same thing happened with the same friend. This time, I told my boyfriend because I just couldn't feel like I was living a lie anymore. He forgave me and we decided that we would start fresh when I moved back. My suspicion is that he had partaken in some "extracurricular activities" while I was away as well, which is why he forgave me so easily (he had once before, and I had forgiven him). Anyways, everything is great with us and we're looking at our relationship as a brand new one that began when I moved back. I just feel like our past is so tainted and I can't get over it. I feel guilty daily to the point where it almost consumes my every thought because I can't believe I turned into the type of person who not only cheated, but basically carried on two separate affairs with the same person. I know a great factor in what happened was the distance between us and now that we're together we will make it work. I just don't know how to live my life with this guilt constantly consuming me. Part of me doesn't know if I can ever accept what I did and move on, but I cannot picture my life without my boyfriend in it now that I'm back home. It feels really good to write all of this down as I have not told any of my friends about what happened. My boyfriend knows I've been in a funk lately so maybe I should just tell him how I feel.
Sabrina89 Sabrina89
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 17, 2014

If your guilt is eating away at you. Then leave your boyfriend. be wild and free and not tied down. I think you need the distances from your boyfriend. Would you go back to the guy you had the affair with or not.

We all make mistakes and whether we run or face them it is still a mistake. You say you can't live without your boyfriend yet you did for 3 years...
Because you are consumed by guilt I believe that it may time to move on. Yes change is hard but sweetheart you can't grow with out change!