About a 1.5 years ago, shortly after my affair ended I had posted a story regarding my status on EP. I deleted it because I was trying to be strong and erase all things about her from my memory; along with pictures, emails, gifts, anything that reminded me of her. I’m in mid-30’s, been married for 14 years, children, beautiful home, great career, still have my health and so-on, but apparently it wasn’t enough. I was vulnerable and got involved with a beautiful married woman who was also married with a child. We were co-workers who got to close and over the next four months our relationship intensified to the highest levels of physical and emotional attraction. During that time, I made a major mistake…I took my heart away from my wife and gave it to my other woman. I was led to believe this is what she wanted and I was so caught up in everything, I didn’t even realize what was happening to me. She told me multiple times how amazing I was, her heart hurt when we weren’t together, I was the man of her dreams, that she was in love, and we even discussed a future together.

I guess she came to her senses before I did or found some other interest, because before I knew it, she started pulling away and it was over. She told me she loved me but she didn’t want her son to not have memories of his mom and dad being together. She made perfect sense and I wasn’t going to push anymore…I had my own level of shame and I knew this was the right thing to do. There were hurt feeling, few ugly words exchanged and we said goodbye in the early summer of 2013 and we haven’t spoken since….cold turkey by both of us. Basically, my heart was broken and I was in the worst kind of turmoil. The kind where you suffer in silence without anyone knowing, anyone to talk to, slipping into depression while trying to put back the pieces of your life. We did have one moment of communication where she agreed to have lunch but then cancelled a week later after I happened to see her outside of my building. She emailed me later that day and said she didn’t feel comfortable meeting up. So I let it go and went back to no contact and have stayed that way.

So here I sit almost a year-and-a-half after my D-Day. I’ve worked hard to improve myself. I’ve used the heartache as fuel to improve my life; I’ve gotten a promotion in my career, I’ve been going to the gym and I’m in the best shape of my life, I spend quality time with my children and wife and I’ve been able to water-down these emotions and slowly adapt to what I was before. But I wear a smile to the world that is only expression, it never shows in my eyes. It’s because I still think of her everyday….everyday! I’ve accomplished so much in my life and just by reaction, I want to share it with her. My head knows it over and I’ll never hear from her again but my heart is stuck and that’s the worst of it all. It ridicules for me to feel this way, but somewhere inside me I have hope she’ll email, text, call, anything even though I know more pain is ahead if she does.

I guess it never really was love (even though she said it many times and that her heart hurt without me). Maybe she loved the way I made her feel at that moment… because she dumped me and I haven’t heard a peep in 1.5 years. I wonder if she ever thinks of me and when/if she does, how am I remembered?
TwentyX TwentyX
36-40
6 Responses Aug 18, 2014

My situation is a little different than yours...but still an affair....I was single he was married....ours went for a year and a half....I ended it....this was Nov 2013....we saw each other in feb 2014 and then June 2014....started no contact 2 weeks after that....I still think about him nearly every day.....but I know that it's best for me for it to stay that way....but he will be forever in my heart....hope that helps to know that she might feel the same and I know that I will never ever contact him again! :-)

You express yourself well through your writing. I can feel your pain and what your going through. "Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over"....

You gave your heart to your other woman because you thought it's what she wanted ? Did you not think that your wife wanted it ?

We all want to feel safe and secure in our relationships , but as humans , the moment we have that we want fun and excitement .
The idea is to make that happen in the relationship you already have , instead of looking for it somewhere else .

WTF ?
Where did he say that his wife wasn't capable of working with him to make their relationship stronger ?
Your situation is an entirely different thing !

TwentyX,
Thank you for sharing. Often times the stories on here are from women, as I suppose men do not easily share these stories, even in a place like ep.
If she is anything like me, she will always cherish the love you shared, the sweet memories, how you made her feel and in a bittersweet way, why the timing was not or could not be right.
Letting go, leaving this love behind as someone recently posted, is so very very difficult. We will never know what could have been for we were never afforded the luxury to truly allow this love to grow.

Well stated. I know the future is unwritten, but I feel I'll never know the truth.

TwentyX, my romantic heart holds onto a fantasy that "someday" our paths will cross and the timing may just be ours. I realize that is a fantasy, but we can hope and dream.

I haven't thought about her in a while it seems. However, I came across an updated picture of her on social media the other night (by accident). She is amazingly beautiful and looked incredibly happy in her picture.

To put it bluntly, it crushed me. Real heart-ache, real pain. I felt a little light headed and almost as if my heart was going to explode. In one sense I felt connection, caring, attention, and the excitement of a new found love. Then right behind it I felt rejected, diminished, unworthy, and undeserving.

When she wanted it to end, it was over. I ran from the pain. We haven't spoken since and believe we never will again.

In those quiet moments when she's alone, I wonder if she thinks of me and how I'm remembered.

Why did I allow this to happen to me? I was so foolish and this will be the greatest mistake of my life.

I am not as far out from my affair, but I wonder the same things about my AP. I guess it will never go away. It's a rough thing to go through. Hugs

Wow I can only imagine the pain you have been through.if I'm honest it's the one thing that scares me shitless.My OM has been in my life so long now I can't imagine life without him.
I also took my heart away from my husband.
Hope you find some peace