I am finally seeing the fog lift. I am still consumed by thoughts of this, but life and me are slowly emerging. I have found this has taken my precious time away from MY life. Now it is time to refocus and yet I know my heart is having a hard time letting go. When do you, if ever, have a day go by without thinking about it? How long does that take?
pencruz pencruz
51-55, F
2 Responses Aug 21, 2014

Dear pencruz, just when I find that I am able to get through the day with plenty of activity and no voids, my demons get me at night when I sleep. It is as if the yearning has gone underground. It has been six days of NC. I am just hanging on. Crying gets some things out of the system. Take heart. Let's press on.

Personally, letting go started when I forced myself to put my professional passion back at the top of my list again. The affair was so intensely rewarding emotionally speaking, that it overpowered (dare I say obscured?) every other passion in my life... I couldn't replace what I'd lost with the love for my kids, as that had never wavered. They had always come first.
**
Learning to feel ok in your life again has to come through your own positive triggers, something you consistently love doing, comes naturally to you and gives you immense pleasure and comfort. It's like your own private portal into your own life. Sharing that with your family again can help you reintegrate into the "fold" if you are ready. To be honest? It took me over a year. I try to think of it as intense higher learning ;/

Marmelade,
I have come to admire your strength and journey through ep. My heart ached reading your story, for I know too well the journey you were/are on.
I have many personal passions and am eternally grateful I hung onto them; career, friends and my "hobbies". But a large part of me was soo consumed that I let the affair take over while still tending to my "other" life. I realize now that part was all too consuming, in good ways and bad and now, as much as I want to hang onto my fantasy, I am refocusing. I just want to wake up and not think about that part of my life anymore.
One year eh? I have a ways to go then.
Hugs marmelade!